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Yours, Unconditionally. Monday April 11, 2016

People speak of 'Unconditional Love' – an attractive concept that seems far from my grasp.
Or is it?

The ideal is for Mum and Dad to love us unconditionally in those first few months. We don't all get that, but that's the plan!

Eventually, however, conditions begin to be applied. Rules are laid down. Rules are broken. Consequences emerge!

"Be quiet in the restaurant!" "Don't run!" "Hold Mummy's hand!" "Stop showing off!" "Be brave!"

Little by little the vital 'Rules of the Game' are taught to us so that we can become valuable members of Society. I get that. It's good. It's important. And yet it's very harmful. Life can become too conditional.

I am a human being, not a human doing.

One day, I will reach a point where I can no longer contribute 'value' to Society. My 'doing' will cease to be useful. But my being will endure – and hold enduring value. That's unconditional – it has to be.

Whilst I may feel Unconditional Love is an experience far away, Unconditional Living is within my grasp.

I can choose to tip the waitress or the waiter in the restaurant - not in line with the service they've given, nor even in line with the service I'd like to get. That's way too conditional. I can choose to tip them as a fellow human being – someone I value unconditionally.

I can choose to let people out in traffic whether or not they thank me. My gift of an opportunity to them doesn't have to be conditional on any reciprocal action whatsoever.

In fact, I can choose to thank people in general – unconditionally.
I can choose to hold open doors for people – regardless of age, gender or gratitude!
I can choose to phone those friends who forget to phone me.
I can choose to work without seeking financial reward – it's my choice. It's my art.
I can choose peace when others choose conflict.
I can choose hope when others opt for despair... and I can do this unconditionally – based on no evidence for hope whatsoever.
I can choose faith – to believe the best of others – even in spite of the evidence to the contrary.
I can choose love, even where others have decided to pull away, pull back, or put up barriers.

I am.
I am free.
I am, unconditionally yours.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Andrea Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 7:18am

Thank you Lex for all your unconditional support. This week is an extremely anxious week for me but I am choosing hope, regardless of the outcome of my grievance on Friday. I choose hope unconditionally because I believe in humanity kindness and good. I wish you and everyone else a fab week and may you all find peace, including myself. Kindest regards Andrea

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 7:35am

That's a beautiful 'share' Andrea. Thank you. You certainly have our support, even if at a distance. You are in our thoughts and prayers. Peace be your portion, hope be your anchor, and love guide the outcome. L'xx

Hopeful One Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 7:55am

Hi Andrea- Best of luck in resolving whatever it is that is making you extremely anxious. You have chosen Hope which ,I can tell you my friend ,would be my top choice. No matter what happens don't lose it.

Lou Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 8:36am

Best of luck Andrea - good thoughts coming your way for Friday. Lou

Zareen Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 8:02am

Thanks for the reminder about unconditional love which goes with trust/confidence, acceptance and respect for others and also for ourselves Lex. All the best for this week Andrea

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 5:37pm

Thanks, Zareen. It all begins with us, doesn't it? I hope you grow in unconditional love for yourself as well as for others. L'xx

Anonymous Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 8:08am

Hello Lex. This is a tricky thing to follow through, unconditional love and I don't have it for everyone. I have that love for my children however difficult they might be at times. I do find your examples interesting and will try to be kinder to tailgaters and drivers who speed up to the front of a queue when the road narrows to one lane. In fact I applied this in the queue the other day to get through passport control at Calais. Two cars sped up to the front of a very long queue and indicated they wanted to join the queue at the front. Normally I would have got out of the car and fetched a person in a fluorescent jacket to sort out this injustice. Instead I heard myself saying to my "cross after a long drive husband" that maybe they were medical emergencies. Is this the sort of thing you mean? Anyway possibly not but I will unconditionally love you Lex! Jul xx

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 11:51am

Hi Ya Jules! To be loved unconditionally by you... and so publically is all a hungry soul could ever ask for! I am now 9 foot tall and keep banging my head in the Radio Studio! L'xx

Hopeful One Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 8:12am

Hi Lex- you have , by design or accident, highlighted some of the 'six core conditions' Carl Rogers identified in his person centred therapy model!The first half of your great blog identifies 'incongruence' the difference between our 'self concept' and the societal 'ideal self' which is conditional. What is required is unconditional positive regard from both . It helps if we can create unconditional positive regard for ourselves even if society refuses. It is imperative for a therapist who must show unconditional positive regard for his/her client. He must also himself be congruent and have empathy for his therapy to succeed.

Today's offering will raise a laugh from those Moodscopers who play bridge. So apologies to those who do not.

A lady applied to be a house maid.

Asked why she left her last employment, she said: ‘Sir, the wages were good, the living conditions were quite comfortable but it was the most ridiculous place to work. They played this game they called Bridge. Last night a lot of folks were there.

As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man tell a lady: "Lay down and let's see what you've got."

Another man said: "I have strength, but not much length."

Yet another man told a lady: "Take your hand off my trick!"

I dropped dead when a lady said: "You forced me. You jumped me twice but you didn't have the strength for even one good raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honour.

One lady told another: "Now it's my turn to play with your husband; you play with mine."

Stunned, I packed my bags, took my hat and coat and was leaving, when I heard a young man say: "I guess we can go home now. This is the last rubber.

Thanks to those who commented on yesterday's offering.

Sally Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 8:54am

Very good! I am going to send to my sister. She'll love it! Thanks, Hopeful One. I look forward to your jokes.

Another Sally Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 9:48am

Thankfully, though I don't play bridge, I know enough about the game to get the joke. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face. Another Sally.

Mary Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 10:52am

I once joined a bridge club... I think I should have joined the BDSM club instead!

Skyblue Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 11:11am

heheheheh Ho, just wanted to say that we've gotten great mileage out of two of your jokes last week: the-pizza-under-the-door and the queue to Aberdeen. Thanks again. xx

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 11:48am

Hi Hopeful One, any congruence with Carl Rogers is accidental BUT I have to say I'm well chuffed that I'm thinking in similar ways to someone who has been a help to so many. Love you (unconditionally) but if I needed a reason, your jokes are wonderful. Thank you xx

Anonymous Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 8:45am

I have sent your joke to my bridge playing friend, Hopeful and told my other half your and Normans' joke from yesterday. Keep them coming. They do raise spirits. Julx

Sally Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 8:53am

Oh Lex, that is a wonderful piece of writing. Right down my street. I cannot write as well as you, but if I could, that's the way I would have liked to have expressed it too. I shall file this away somewhere special ready to reread when and if necessary. Because whilst I believe in everything you say in this piece, sometimes, I forget that I have a choice in how I respond, and/ or am made to feel guilty by e.g. An act of generosity. Others judge that their standards should apply to all, that one is being spendthrift, wasteful, etc, whereas you say it is a choice we all have. And that, within parameters of law, naturally, that choice is mine to make unconditionally. I am happy this morning because you have written about things that matter a lot to me, and validated my belief system.
Thank you, thank, Lex. Go well.

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 11:45am

Dear Sally, I think you may have written the most beautiful compliment I've ever received, "...that's the way I would have expressed it too." You have had a very positive impact on my heart today, and, for that, I whole-heartedly thank you. xx

Suzy Fri, Apr 15th 2016 @ 3:54am

This is fantastic. Love it.

Suzy Fri, Apr 15th 2016 @ 3:56am

Oh I meant the whole blog not just this comment. :o/ oops! Didn't scroll down enough.

Mary Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 10:54am

Tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, you darling man! Just what I needed this morning. You are nearly always just what I need on a Monday morning! (But let's not interpret that the way HO's maid would, eh?)

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 11:43am

My Dear Mary, I wouldn't dream of misinterpreting! However, Euphemism is simply gorgeous, Innuendo - a delight, and Suggestion - the only biscuit I long for! Hugs and love xx

Skyblue Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 11:08am

Oh Lex, this is gorgeous. I'm with you completely. When I can sustain that kind of unconditional love, the benefits of being free from judgement is profound. The love in the universe is then allowed to just flow through. Perhaps this is the greatest goal? Thanks so much for the inspiration. Big hug. xx

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 11:38am

Hello Gorgeous Skyblue! Receiving and enjoying the big hug (and reciprocating unconditionally!) wrapped in rich encouragement - thank you! This really feels like freedom to me - to give expecting (and not needing anything in return). Have an unconditionally wonderful day! L'xx

Sue Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 11:52am

Hi my first post, having a bit of a meltdown today and was looking for advice, if I unconditionally love myself would I put myself through a lot of anxiety to spend 4 days away with friends or stay at home and accept I'm not well at the moment?

Sue xx

Wyvern Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 4:16pm

Hello Sue. That's a difficult one to answer looking in from the outside. Ultimately only you will know what's right for you... Does the time away with friends outweigh to anxiety? Looking back, will you be glad you went despite the anxiety? Or is staying at home the most valuable thing you can do right now? Or are you depriving yourself of an opportunity to recharge and revive in the company of people who (presumably) love you? Only you will know. xxx Wyvern.

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 5:41pm

Hi Sue, I agree with Wyvern. We did a radio show on "Kindness" today, and one of the points we explored was the need to 'fuel' our unconditional love from somewhere - even if it is not reciprocated from those we show love to. If your batteries are flat, or you aren't well, as you mention, recharging is the top priority. Will being with friends recharge or drain you? Anxiety and fear accompany every worthwhile change in our lives. Anxiety and fear can remiind us of our choice to be courageous. However, they are there to protect us too. So I return to my main thought: will these friends energise you, or drain you? Hope that helps, and thank you for posting. Welcome. L'xx

Eva Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 10:43pm

I empathise with you, the push and pull of social interaction over a quiet recharge. Sometimes getting away and being with folks can energise me, as long as I can get some quiet time while I am away too. Sometimes I just need to stay at home. I tend to go with my gut when my brain can't decide. One thing my husband says to me is that the symptoms of excitement can be very close to those of anxiety, so sometimes I try to reframe my anxiety as excitement, it doesn't always work but can on occasion.

Sue Tue, Apr 12th 2016 @ 8:28am

Thank you for replying, I have calmed a little this morning and feel that I need to go, my friends do support me a lot, if I stay at home I'll maybe feel worst.

The Gardener Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 12:27pm

Lex, I don't believe it! My neighbours, only just not kids, are giving the same admonitions to their kids my Ma gave to me over 70 years ago. Mind how you go, be careful you'll fall, don't do that (Joyce Grenfell, you should be here now). I remember turning a deaf ear to my Mum very quickly - and all my kids scars result from their daft antics that the most far-sighted Mum could not have foreseen.

The Gardener Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 12:31pm

In a potential blog on courage I mentioned fear of snakes - I am being strangled by paper-work - and there's no way out. Had heard of French burocracy, after 23 years am meeting it at it's worst.Lex mentioned conflict, got to be that - EDF charge you ahead on power you might use - I now have to battle to get back money paid for power I have NOT uaws. Geddit? Large Muscat, then priorities - plus 10 minutes to get Mr G across the road. I take bets on a Belgian car to run us over.

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 5:45pm

Dear Gardener, it might just be more blessed to give random acts of kindness than to receive them, but I believe you are well overdue for some random acts of kindness towards you. Mind that Belgian Car (!) and rejoice that you didn't dump too many constraints on your own kids. We can give them wings, but they must be free to fly. Big hug. L'xx

Belgian Car Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 3:59pm

Lex, thank you so much for this piece! I feel liberated - free to give out random acts of kindness that might not be permitted by the Conditional Love code of practice.

Gardener - I changed my name in your honour (my car has Belgian plates, but I swear I have a drivers licence).

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 5:46pm

It is liberating, isn't it? I've had a long and tiring day, and now I'm feeling free not to do any more random acts tonight! This also is good! L'xx

Wyvern Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 4:21pm

"One day, I will reach a point where I can no longer contribute 'value' to Society. My 'doing' will cease to be useful. But my being will endure – and hold enduring value. That's unconditional – it has to be."

That's brilliant. My Dad who is 91 and severely disabled, thinks his life is pointless. I haven't yet been able to persuade him otherwise. We all love him - yes it is hard work looking after him, but we do it because we love him and he is our Dad. Without him, we would not have come into being - so we owe him our lives and doing what we do for him at the end of his life seems to me such a small thing in repayment. He can't see that and feels 'a burden.' Such a shame.

Lex Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 5:48pm

Dearest Wyvern, love is irresistible. Your consistent love to your Dad still has an impact. He may have bought into a belief system that his life is pointless but beliefs change with unconditional love. And even if he doesn't ever show a shift in belief, know that you are doing the best and right thing. I salute your love. L'xx

The Gardener Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 6:35pm

Hello Belgian Car - not racist - terrified of driving in Belgium. A few years ago a Belgian couple arrived at a gite in Brittany hours before they were expected. Host, surprised, said how fast did they go? Our, our usual speed, 180/200 km per hour - luckily they weren't hounded off the road by the gendarmes.

LillyPet Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 6:40pm

Hi Lex,
What a beautifully written blog on a beautiful concept :)
I really like the idea of unconditional living.
There are times when I give from the heart unconditionally, not to receive, for recognition or to make me feel good about myself ( maybe I'm kidding myself about that one!), I am just driven to give or help if it seems like a good thing to do at the time. My dad is a very kind, considerate and giving person and is my inspiration.
There are times when I choose not to, simply because I have a choice and feel that balance is a good thing. Sometimes I take my rightful place in the world and not always put myself last, it feels more grown up! I used to overly thank people who let me out on the road, or let me cross the road, incase they hadn't seen me thank them. That person who automatically apologises when a "bumping into" has happened! It didn't seem to be doing my self esteem/ respect any good, hense a more balanced way of living.
Often though, I am surprised/gobsmacked at how inconsiderate people can be. That's something I can work on. Not up to me to decide how they should behave.
To be able to live and treat everyone with love unconditionally, regardless of what choices they make and in all situations would be, it seems, to have reached a higher self. A lovely place to move towards at least!

Thanks Lex! LP xx

Lex Tue, Apr 12th 2016 @ 10:10am

Hi LillyPet... you are an evolved, higher being! But then I knew that already! Lovely to hear from you, Unconditionally Kind One! L'xx

The Gardener Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 6:42pm

Wyvern, how right you are about the parents giving us our lives. The horrible truth is, over 70 we ARE a burden, unless we are WANTED grand-parents. My mother, died in 2001 aged 99.10 months, had a litany 'I don't want to be a burden to anyone. My ma-in-law, in her 80/s, said she'd lived too long - in her 90's she really clung to life - though, for both of them, there was no 'quality' - this is .what I hope for, that through the current real hell I can get sparks of communication and joy in living.

Eva Mon, Apr 11th 2016 @ 10:54pm

Lex a lovely blog, thank you. I don't always manage it but do try to treat people unconditionally, as I would like to be treated. I learned this from my husband and also my brother whom both seemed to have a natural understanding that you can't know why another person reacts in a particular way and as such to judge them isn't worth the time. Since I started doing it I find that I am less irritated and hostile towards other folk, life is generally easier in that respect and so positive things satellite out. I do worry about the age thing... No kids so that'll be interesting when I can no longer contribute... Maybe I'll be a famous painter by then and die happily at my easel. ;)

Lex Tue, Apr 12th 2016 @ 10:11am

At ease, by your easel... that's a beautiful picture in and of itself. Thank you Eva for dropping by and leaving a lovely message. L'xx

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