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You're Just My (Arche)Type. Monday October 24, 2016

I had a very strange experience a couple of weeks ago. I popped into one of our favourite Wool shops with Lady Penelope, and settled down on the comforting sofa to review the excellent photography in the Rowan catalogues. Their photos are my gold standard – the look and feel that I'd aspire to on a model shoot.

The owner of the business is one of the loveliest people on the Planet. Gentle, caring, feminine – soft – in the strongest possible way. Does that make any sense?

Around her I feel safe, I feel cherished, I feel wanted, I always feel welcome.

And so I started to cry.

This was very embarrassing.

I wept – the tears flowed.

They are flowing now just remembering that precious 'moment'.

I couldn't explain myself.

We left.

But I'm a reflector.

On reflection, I think I know now what was happening.

I was experiencing grief – an overwhelming sense of 'loss' – for a life I longed for but had never achieved.

She was the 'Mother' who I never had – caring, protective, demonstrative, appreciative.

She was the 'Lover' I'd always wanted: feminine, graceful, gentle, and more than a little 'out there'.

She was the 'Life Partner' I desired above all others: in tune with my values and allowing me to be me as I celebrated the 'She' that she was in all her glorious fullness and freedom.

And here she was, at last, after waiting oh so l-o-n-----------g.

All my longings came to the surface in that moment, and I was lost to the emotions.

Except she wasn't.

I don't know her that well.

What I do know is that I know the Archetype that she mirrored for me in that instant.
And I know that I am in love with those Archetypes – the ideal Mother and the ideal Lover, and the Life Partner that affirms and empowers.

I know that I am actually 'in love' with 'Love' itself.

And so, having made a fool of myself, I have recovered... I think.

There's no key message today.

I don't know what to say.

I just wanted to share.

But I do know, that in that moment, that brief moment, I touched something that was right at the core of my being. A longing. A passion. A grief. And a hope.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Linda Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:23am

Hi, this was so powerful to me because I have felt this way before, I felt emotional reading it, thank you so much for sharing, it made me feel that I am not alone in my dark days xx

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 7:31am

Hi Linda, I'm so glad you found value in it. I was uncomfortable having no clear purpose - just a share. But since you resonated, I'm more than content. Thanks for being with me in this xx

Orangeblossom Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:55am

Thanks Lex for sharing so clearly and honestly. I had the strong impression that when you visited the wool shop you were entirely overcome with emotion. I am sure that it is an experience that can take each of us by surprise. I sometimes feell extremely flat as though all the air has gone out of my tiyres. Last Monday I had an inexplicable darkness like a heavy shroud surrounding me. Yet I was doing what I generally love doing.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 7:33am

Yes, Dear Orangeblossom, this one got me by surprise! It would be lovely to be in love again! We need strategies, don't we, for these emotional or blank moments... ho hum.... xx

Lou Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 7:29am

I don't know what to say today Lex, but had to send a hug.


Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 7:34am

Thanks Lou... I'm a bit speechless myself... but always appreciate a hug xx

DAVE Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 7:38am

Hi Lex my friend,

I Completely comprehend that 'moment, that was captured in those few minutes.

It know doubt brought to your mind the reflections in the 'rearview mirror' which my previous blogs say DON'T.....Remember Yesterday was history, Tomorrow a mystery, BUT today is a GIFT....

I was in your exact situation 52. 1/2. Years ago. A life of nothingness, parents had just divorced, I was lost, no job and in a bad way.

In February 1964, I lived at the YMCA in Bournemouth, alone, lonely......

The YMCA opened up a cafe' within the building.

Then one day this beautiful Redhead served me, literally within minutes, I had 'tuned in' ....I had 20 cups of tea, I felt that I was in Heaven, she was very slim and beautiful, humble in attitude, caring in nature, and a beautiful disposition. I just melted, she was unlike our generation, she was trendy but not 'Cloned' in fashionable clothes.
We just enjoyed those few moments....

I went to have 'Tea' with her every time she came.

After three weeks I said to her , "I'm going to marry you !

She laughed, and couldn't believe what I had said.....

Last week away in Jersey in a beautiful Hotel with the balcony overlooking the sea, beneath the building, the tide came in and out splashing against the rocks below, throughout the night, the sun went down and the moon came out in all colours of the rainbow, as sunset and sunrises where so beautiful.

I had ordered 51 Stems of Freesia's, a gold pendant with various swartski sones glisening in the lamplight, a non precious ring
Stone had been set and mounted upon a gold ring which had just come back, having been officially hallmarked.

The setting was very romantic......But opposite me was the redhead, I first set eyes upon...

It was our 50 th Wedding Anniversary, I have grown to love this girl I met in the YMCA.
Through highs and lows of my Bipolar, she has been as solid, unmovable as a rock.

My soulmate.

Lex, if I have got the right end of the stick, and the situation is right, then if you have the determination, then pursue this lady, and determine whether or NOT there is a chance of a date !

Life is full of regrets, procrastination, full of people reflecting in the 'rear view mirror' of what COULD have been, bringing tears to your eyes as you contemplate, that which you desire.

Opotunities of this calibrate are few and far between, nothing will occur unless, we put motion behind thought....we have to make it happen, and do not fear rejection, it's better than no approach at all.

Go for it, and be prepared for failure, in fact expect failure....But please don't so trying to peruse....This precious Gift of the 'NOW'.
Do it, DO IT NOW.

Good Luck.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 8:14am

Wow, Dave... I am at this moment, siting in the Radio Studio, broadcasting from that very same YMCA! I have taken your wonderful words to heart... watch this space!

Sheena Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 9:52pm

Lex! I didn't know what to say but having read Dave's comments it's this "You only have one life and it's yours' Hugs Sheena x

Lex Wed, Oct 26th 2016 @ 12:40pm

Let's live it, thanks Sheena x

Richard Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 7:40am

Lex. You are the man.
Peace & Love, Richard.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 8:25am

I have to say that in front of the mirror, Richard!!! Peace & Love, Bro!

Deborah Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 7:46am

Lovely. Tell her.. (: We only live once.
Everyone loves to be loved.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 8:26am

I think I will, Deborah!

Hopeful One Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 7:56am

Hi Lex- a touching blog. Psychologists would think of your experience as a 'emotional ambush'. This is thought to occur when an emotional trauma lies buried deep in one's psyche just waiting to emerge if the circumstances are right. I have claimed often( admittedly much to the annoyance of some) that a 'loss'in the past is often the root cause of depression (and grief with which it shares many features). "I was experiencing grief – an overwhelming sense of 'loss' – for a life I longed for but had never achieved." I rest my case.

Lawyers ,I am afraid,are still keep cropping up in the Squadron's cross wires ( Gardner - I am looking out for estate agents on your behalf)

A lawyer's dog, runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a joint. An angry butcher goes to the lawyer's office and politely asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer smiles and answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me £8.50. Your dog was unleashed and stole a joint from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for £8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves. Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: £100 due for a consultation.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 8:43am

Aye, Hopeful One, Aye... I hear the truth...

Sally Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 10:19am

I tend to agree with the emotional ambush idea, Hopeful One. It has happened to me on several occasions! Thanks also for your jokes of a morning. Always look forward to them. :-)

Karin Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 8:43am

Hi Lex,
Wonderful blog today, very moved I am and happy for you. It is big to just feel emotions and be with them, let the tears out and the sadness flow away. Find the joy in it, find life. Underneath sadness there is joy.

I used to be so afraid of my emotions. Even, or perhaps most so, of my joy. I was so afraid of having a manic depression I always carefully balanced my joy even more than my sadness, so as not to scare myself and of course my parents whom I really didn't want to scare. My uncle's death from manic-depression being quite enough for my family to cope with, I thought.

Yes at the age of 6, just after my uncle had killed himself, I decided I would look after them and not let them now how sad I was. I succeeded. In the 70s children were not thought to actually feel a lot. Know we know better. And here I am so many years later and crying now. And it feels good. It was a long time since I last did.

I think tears are healing and a glass of water afterwards and I'll be able to take on my day today. And Lex. I love your favourite archetypes too. I think the theory is that since you they are your favourite ones they are very much with you too. And that is part of why you could see them so strongly in the lade of the wool.

Lots of love,

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 8:54am

Thank you, Karin, thank you... I'll share more later, but you've reached me and I'm looking for that joy beneath. xx

Melanie Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 9:08am

Dear Lex, I loved your blog/share this morning. This happens to me too - where I am overcome by tears in a situation - I have been so embarrassed so many times. In a workshop this last Saturday the leader said that others are embarrassed or uncomfortable because when we are sad we wake up the same feeling in them - I now understand a bit more why I feel so bad when I do this - because I also have an overstrong feeling of would not want to feel responsible for others feeling uncomfortable. He said this just after someone else was holding back being emotional and it woke it up in me so that I wasn't able not to shed tears myself when it was my time to speak just afterwards. I did not intend to write all this! What I wanted to say is I loved the truth in your blog, your being in touch with your true longing and I really loved what Dave said in response - what a beautiful story and what great advice! I definitely agree that it is good to act on any true and deep feeling - first really work through it all and get yourself into an adult place, then act! Lots of love and let us know when you are ready to! Melanie xo

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:58pm

Yes, Melanie... there's a lot to work through. So much wisdom shared today. xo

Melanie Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 9:09am

Please remind me who is Lady Penelope?

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:55pm

Ah, there, Melanie is the most unkind cut of all. To pursue my happiness may cause much unhappiness.

Jul Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 9:31am

Good morning Lex. I have been thinking ever since Leah's blog about people urging us to feel positive when we feel so down, that I wanted to add in my comment that I didn't mind Lex's blogs which although positive affirmations often, you allow us to see our situations differently and give us another angle or tool to help us a long the way. This kind of positiveness I like and want. Your blog today is different but I understand where you are coming from. Wool and knitting conjure up homeliness, domesticity, love and caring. I would love to be smothered in love and understanding in a very fundamental way. This is a bit rushed. Sorry Lex. I just wanted to let you know that I do understand and actually I think you do feel comfortable in your own skin to allow your feelings at that moment to be shared with us.A big hug. Jules xx

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:57pm

Hi Jules, yes, I felt free to share this blog because of a long history of openness between our members... and I checked it with Caroline too. That gave me permission to open up at a deeper level than I've shared before. I hope that I am a 'hopeful romantic' - and that hope will not disappoint in the end xx

Mary Wednesday Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 9:50am

Just a hug, my darling Led, to add to the others you have received. That honest sharing is so touching.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:53pm

Yes, Mary Wednesday, a rather special day for me on my Moodscope journey. Thanks for the hug too.

Sally Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 10:31am

Lex, good morning.Your writing is a breath of honest, fresh air as usual. I loved it.
Yes, I have been in that situation, and at my age, sixties, I no longer feel embarrassed with how I react. It is for others to interpret and react to as they see fit... mostly, they react well. If they don't, never mind... they will one day perhaps understand. Emotions can be buried so deep that the " emotional ambush" referred to by Hopeful One takes one totally by surprise. A reflection on the "why " is right, I think, and often useful in that it makes us acknowledge previously undealt with stuff. It is also a wonderful acknowledgement of what sentient beings we are, and of the deep connections we can make, which, if used correctly, can be so very beneficial to all mankind. If you get what I mean.

Sally Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 10:31am

Lex, good morning.Your writing is a breath of honest, fresh air as usual. I loved it.
Yes, I have been in that situation, and at my age, sixties, I no longer feel embarrassed with how I react. It is for others to interpret and react to as they see fit... mostly, they react well. If they don't, never mind... they will one day perhaps understand. Emotions can be buried so deep that the " emotional ambush" referred to by Hopeful One takes one totally by surprise. A reflection on the "why " is right, I think, and often useful in that it makes us acknowledge previously undealt with stuff. It is also a wonderful acknowledgement of what sentient beings we are, and of the deep connections we can make, which, if used correctly, can be so very beneficial to all mankind. If you get what I mean.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:52pm

Yes, Sally. We are not served by keeping these precious emotions bottled-up, are we? Sentience is such a precious gift - and one I have appreciated all the more in the many lights of today's kind words. Thank you.

Vintagecool Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 10:50am

Thank you for this blog and comments. I like the concept of 'emotional ambush' and helps put in context my tears. I had hit a stumbling block as to the cause. But now I feel I have a route forward

Thank you Lex and Hopeful.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:50pm

Lex and Hopeful, a new double-act in humour and psychology - I do hope so! I found the concept of the "Emotional Ambush" very helpful. So many kind and insightful comments today. Thank you.

Sophie Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 11:01am

This reminded me of when I always cry at weddings. I think most people assume its the usual 'oh so happy for the happy couple, don't they look beautiful etc' but actually what I don't share with anybody is the truth: yes although i may wish them all the happiness in the world, actually at that moment I am overcome with emotion and unable to control it because I am in the middle of a situation that is completely alien to me and something I crave, but at the same time, run from in fear. The 'traditional family unit'. Something I have never had. For a long time i was certain I never wanted it (after all, why would I when i've seen how wrong it can go?). This last 2 years or so, I have started to question myself - *could* i want it? Deep down? It is both encouraging that I'm not emotionally void when it comes to being surrounded by family, and also terrifying at what I may one day open myself up to.

For now, I keep the real reasons for any emotional outbursts to myself and pass them off as what people assume it to be...far less hassle that way!

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:48pm

Ah, but Sophie, now I know, and that's a precious share. Perhaps we should both 'dare to hope'???

The Gardener Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 11:32am

Hello Lex, for somebody who had 'nothing to say' you've elicited a huge response. One of my few memories of feeling 'cosy' is odd. My father was addicted to 'Old Time Dancing' (now sequence dancing I think). We went up to London to dance at Hammersmith Palais? I think, to Sydney Thompson - all the rage then and broadcast. My Pa had no car, but he happened to have money - and we travelled with 'George' who drove a huge Packard, and wore a peaked cap. Coming back from London I remember the cosiness of the back of the car - lashing rain outside, and the lights of London. I don't know if any of you watched the memorial for Aberfan on BBC 4 last night - that was moving. I have an awful job being moved to tears now (except of rage and frustration) because with Mr G at my side feeling for others is kept to myself - his illness has made him totally self absorbed and self-pitying - so no hope of sharing the awful suffering of others.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:47pm

Hello Dear Gardener, yes, there's some resonance today between us - I feel closer to everyone, and I cherish that.

Milliecat Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 11:49am

THank you Lex for such a lovely blog. Your moment of emotion sounded just right for what you needed at that point of time and in that particular place. It sounded beautiful from how you have written about it, and also that there was no other option that to let those emotions out. Thank you for sharing x

Milliecat Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 11:49am

THank you Lex for such a lovely blog. Your moment of emotion sounded just right for what you needed at that point of time and in that particular place. It sounded beautiful from how you have written about it, and also that there was no other option that to let those emotions out. Thank you for sharing x

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:45pm

Hi Milliecat... yes, I think it was the right place - the safe place, even though I couldn't explain myself there and then, only apologise. Those feelings are now out in the open and I believe I can move forward. Thank you for your loving words x

the room above the garage Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 2:09pm

Hello Lex, wow, an unexpected moment which hit you right between the eyes. The tears must have needed to come out. I'm glad they did and I'm glad you trusted us with it. I'm watching this space. Love ratg x.

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:43pm

Yes, Dear RATG, I'm feeling rather 'accountable' to the community now to be bold and not shrink back! We shall see... x

the room above the garage Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 8:09pm

Let time do its own thing, don't feel pressured :-) xx.

LP Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 3:15pm

Hi Lex,
Your blog reminds me of why I couldn't watch romcoms without crying, not just the happy emotional tears like at a wedding, but deeply sad tears for something that it seemed would not happen to me. I too am in love with the idea of being mutually in lasting love. I'm sure we are not alone in this.

I identified too with the feeling of loss and grief. It seems to have come from when I was very young, but baffled me because I hadn't experience actual bereavement. I also thought that relationship loss brought up past feelings of grieving for the kind of warm and gentle motherly love that I yearned for as a child.... maybe. Who knows. There's also the thing about the stories we tell ourselves.

Thanks for sharing something that resonates deeply Lex. Big hugs and good wishes for you. LPxx

Lex Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 6:39pm

Hi LP, I've been so touched by the love shared today. Clearly, I am most definitely not alone. Hugs received and so happily reciprocated. Lxx

S Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 9:41pm

Thank you so much Lex for sharing. This really resonated with me- some people's kindness really does get us in touch with our vulnerability somehow. I really appreciated that you felt you could share this with us. Sx

Lex Tue, Oct 25th 2016 @ 5:44am

Hi S... yes, I was going to say it's been a long time coming to share such vulnerability but the truth is I have felt those emotions until that amazing moment. The fact that we've been engaging in this community, safely and acceptingly for so long, then really gives us all permission to share deeply, doesn't it? I think it's a testament to us all that we can do this. The only 'thing' I've ever been unable to resist is not temptation but 'love' and 'kindness' - or even 'lovingkindness' - in the face of this, all the harshness in me melts, every defence falls, and I open up like a flower... x

mark Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 10:43pm

Yes! 'In love with love'... Mother, lover, life partner.

Perhaps the root of ALL my depression and anxiety for over 50 years is the lifelong pursuit of these 'archetypes'. Two marriages and two divorces, years of medication, counselling, alcohol, self-help books, group therapy...
...they all stem from these ideals. Why??
Apparently, from what I can glean from all my books and therapists, in my case it has it's roots in early loss – loss of my mother as a child... Suddenly. And as one of nine children, I'm guessing we didn't get quite the attention we needed even before she died.
(I have to say, I never really grieved for my mother and couldn't allow myself to feel the pain of such a massive loss)
But... it leaves a void. A gap, a 'hole in the heart'. And, if the grief and loss is not processed in a healthy way, the hole becomes something which can never be filled... because what partner, lover or friend can replace the love, nurturing and care of one's own mother?
But I tried, and I tried. To find the love and comfort I'd missed... to no avail.
The expectation of every relationship was to make me whole again, to fill the gap. But was that a high price to ask from my wives, my lovers? Of course! How can they be expected to be mother's AND partners!
But EVERY time they failed to fill the endless void, I sank into depression, sadness and anger at them for not knowing my needs.
So here I am at 57yrs and still repeating the old pattern. The answer for me is simple. Don't get attached again... it's too painful! and I don't think I've got another recovery in me!

But thank you for your post Lex, it's good to know that others understand.


Lex Tue, Oct 25th 2016 @ 5:49am

Dear Mark, this is so insightful. So now I have to think carefully through, given Dave's happy story and the truth too, in your post that really resonates. Also, there are 'consequences' of any action. Not really seeing a way through this that will benefit all people, and 'love does not harm'... You've really helped me think even more deeply in a very helpful way. Thank you.

Tim Mon, Oct 24th 2016 @ 11:13pm

Lex, I think your "key message" today is precisely what has been shown and felt in the ensuing dialogues within this community: to be ready to embrace our emotions when they and circumstances 'conspire' to ambush us. And that's a big key. Useful for unlocking. Useful for leading us forward. Useful for getting through an impassive blockade, obscuring our view of one or more possible routes ahead. Now we may see, albeit darkly "as in a (reflective?) glass", but at least it's a lamp along a new passage. I was MOST struck by your title, having recently pushed about the notion of archetype, like a boiled sweet around my mouth. My archetype was a young woman at uni, whom I think I idealised in those heady formative days, and thankfully have come to know much more sensibly as a friend in the decades since. But I'm consistently glad that, against usual character, I did "go for it" and tell her how I was feeling. And more than once, in those first few years. I could do no other. So, I suspect, might you ...

Lex Tue, Oct 25th 2016 @ 5:52am

This is so deep, Tim, isn't it? I really appreciate your insight (and encouragement to act) and the Archetype concept will need more meditation and study. Why? Well, against character, a friend confided in my last week that he didn't take action when he found the Archetypical love of his life. I thought it was rather spooky that he brought this us - given that I hadn't told him anything of my experience. He didn't use the word Archetype, but it is exactly as we have described. Seriously appreciative, Lex

Leah Tue, Oct 25th 2016 @ 12:37am

AS I am writing so late I think I will just echo what others have said. A very different blog, one form the heart, and full of refreshing honesty. Appearing vulnerable even in a safe place like Moodscope, can be scary. I hope I see more of honest personal blogs like this one. Congratulations. I hope you feel confident about writing and sharing this blog.

Lex Tue, Oct 25th 2016 @ 5:57am

Yes, Leah, the comforting warmth of the response, I hope, will give all of us permission to share. And I walk away from reading and re-reading the responses knowing with certainty that these emotional ambushes affect us all - and in a similar context for some of us. I think, whilst not qualified to speak with authority on this subject, it would be important for someone to pick up the 'Mother' theme. My Mother seems physically unable to express affection for me - yet she can to her dog. This has tormented her soul over the years - with her even writing poetry to me to explain how much she loves me. I know her father was a monster, so she may well not have the wiring to do as she really wants to, but Nan was lovely (and lost early on in my childhood). Given that our discussions seemed to have opened the lid on a lot of repressed pain, I do hope we can support one another through this.

Jane Tue, Oct 25th 2016 @ 8:42am

I'm a day late because of travelling. This was very moving Lex xx

Lex Wed, Oct 26th 2016 @ 12:39pm

Thank you, Jane xx

Tunde Wed, Oct 26th 2016 @ 5:41pm

I never wanted to respond to a blog post before, but this was beautiful in its vulnerability and honesty. Thank you.

Nicco Sun, Nov 6th 2016 @ 12:56am

Oh Lex, I do empathise with you. I have had similar tearful episodes while out, often for the reasons you mention, but also in the capacity of 'the father I never had'.

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