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June


Would I lie to myself? Friday June 3, 2016

One of my favourite UK panel shows (they are the best) is Would I lie to you. Panelists read from a card which is either a lie or the truth. The other team must decided if it is true or a lie. Even when I am having a bad day, I can watch an episode and smile for half an hour.

It has made me think about lies and why we believe them. I do not tell lies, ok I am sometimes creative with the truth but only to improve a story!! I should rephrase that:

I do not tell lies to others but I have told and still do tell lies to myself.

Some are just small ones, such as telling myself I really do need to eat another slice of Camembert or I need to buy another handbag.

Alas the big lies I have told myself have affected my life in different ways.

One that I had told myself for many years was if only I had not had bipolar I could have been (just insert any amazing career from academic, to journalist, to multi-media personality, to comedian to humanitarian work and a many more). This lie blamed all my attempts and struggles with my studies and holding down a job on my bipolar. Sure bipolar did not make life easy but who knows what I would have done if I had not had a diagnosis.

I used to tell myself the reason my marriage and subsequent relationship did not work was that I kept picking the wrong men. This lie was comforting as I could take no responsibility in the breakdown of my relationships, after all I had chosen the wrong partner. Even to me this lie was a bit shaky after all I made the choices willingly and maybe just maybe my behaviour over the years may have contributed to the relationships ending.

Maybe my most dangerous lie was to believe that if I loved someone enough, cared enough, worked hard enough, I could change their behaviour.

I tried so hard, I loved so much, I changed myself and nearly risked my mental and physical health, before I realised love was not enough to change my partner's behaviour.

So do you lie to yourself? Or did you in the past? What was the biggest lie you told yourself.

Leah
A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Mary Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 6:50am

Thank you for your post. My biggest lie is the same as your most dangerous one. I have at least come to realise it although I continue to risk my wellbeing by acting as if it were true.

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 8:33am

Thanks Mary. I suppose at least you acknowledge that it is a lie. the next step is not acting as if it was true but you know that already.

Belinda Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 7:23am

Hi Leah

I have been reading your posts for sometime. I am glad to now connect with you. I have had some difficulty actually getting to write on the blog.

What an interesting subject, and well expressed.
I think my biggest lie was that I couldn't achieve. For years I worked hard, and with the bulldozing effect of the bipolar, I failed in various areas of my life. I too, am not blaming the illness, but it was another factor in the complications of my life. However, in all those years I learned much which I am now beginning to express.
With help I have learned to persist, and I am beginning to see that I can. I am also now reaping the rewards. See, I am writing to you.
Other rewards are also now becoming visible in those around me.

You too can go on to change further and reap those rewards.


By the way, Moodscope has enabled me to track my progress and has been a valuable support over the last four years as each of my parents passed away. Thank you to Jon Cousins and Caroline Ashcroft, (and others,) for initiating and developing the project.


Bless you all

Belinda x

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 8:37am

Belinda, Thanks so much for your kind words and your thoughtful reply. I am glad you have connected by writing your words here and I look forward to reading more of your comments. Yes we are indeed fortunate to have Moodscope. Thanks again .

Belinda Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 7:24am

Hi Leah

I have been reading your posts for sometime. I am glad to now connect with you. I have had some difficulty actually getting to write on the blog.

What an interesting subject, and well expressed.
I think my biggest lie was that I couldn't achieve. For years I worked hard, and with the bulldozing effect of the bipolar, I failed in various areas of my life. I too, am not blaming the illness, but it was another factor in the complications of my life. However, in all those years I learned much which I am now beginning to express.
With help I have learned to persist, and I am beginning to see that I can. I am also now reaping the rewards. See, I am writing to you.
Other rewards are also now becoming visible in those around me.

You too can go on to change further and reap those rewards.


By the way, Moodscope has enabled me to track my progress and has been a valuable support over the last four years as each of my parents passed away. Thank you to Jon Cousins and Caroline Ashcroft, (and others,) for initiating and developing the project.


Bless you all

Belinda x

Hopeful One Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 7:39am

Hi Leah- thanks for that. I guess I have lied occasionally but I kind of rationalise it by thinking'I am being economical with the truth'. By and large I feel I tell the truth for the simple reason that then I don't have to remember what I said.The biggest lie I told myself? I was not good enough.

The truth is incontrovertible.

Panic may deny it
Ignorance may deride it
Malice may distort it
But there it is!

Anon

This joke seemed relevant to the topic .

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty one people swindled"

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 8:39am

Thanks Hopeful. I like the poem, that anon was a busy person!

the room above the garage Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 8:39am

Hello HO! Felt like I wanted to weep when I made it back into my car this morning and then a lovely blog and your steady presence buffered and reassured. All that from silent and invisible friends. Wonderful. Thank you! Love ratg x.

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 8:46am

Hopeful, A lot of your jokes like this one , are ones my dad used to tell so it brought back sweet memories and made me smile.

Hopeful One Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 10:55am

Hi Leah and RATG my beautiful cyber friends- your comments are appreciated and reminded me of a line from Billy Joel number 'Tell her about it" " Just a word or two that he gets from you could be the the difference that it makes" I have replaced 'he' in place of 'she' in the original to make it relevant to what I am saying. RATG charmed to have been of help and Leah if it made you smile the Squadron would say" Mission accomplished"

the room above the garage Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 8:37am

Hello Leah, I really enjoyed this today, it's a great reminder that we have the power, we make our choices, we are responsible for ourselves and sometimes seeking out the deep truth is the medicine. I just wish the process could be quicker...it seems we all need to grasp the thistle many times before it sinks in. I guess this is where working with a great counsellor can open paths not just boxes. Lots of positive stuff in my head now and that is good because I was in danger of falling this morning, now I have a path to follow. Indebted. Love ratg x.

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 8:42am

Thanks ratg, I agree about the process could be quicker as sometimes I know I am lying to myself but it takes so long to do something. I am glad you have a path to follow , I think sometimes I can't see my path!! Love Leah xx

Frankie Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:43am

Hi dear RATG: me too! I just wish the process could be quicker ... I get SO fed up revisiting "stuff" - and forgetting the many useful strategies that have served me well ... A good GP friend once said that each time we revisit stuff, it is like unpacking a box - and when we repack the box, some stuff gets thrown away, so the box can be exchanged for a smaller box - it's still there, but not as large or intimidating. Frankie x

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:25pm

Frankie, What a lovely metaphor. Trouble with me is when I unpack boxes metaphorically and in real life, I throw stuff away then I add new stuff I have found - sometimes I nee a bigger box. Sad but true, maybe I need a new metaphor.

danielle Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 9:02am

Hi Leah, a great blog, thank you. To me, the most dangerous times is when i tell myself lies but believe it is the truth. I often believe everyone is out to get me - and genuinely believe. Believe that people are better without me, I am a burden, I make people sad, I am a bad person - the list goes on. I am glad I am not alone, we all need to be truthful with ourselves and a dearly hope you have someone who can reveal the truth when the lies take hold xxx

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 10:28am

Danielle, Thank you for being so honest, that is a first step. I hope you believe all those things you said about yourself are big fat lies. You have an insight I hope you can turn your realise into a believe. Leah xxx

Mary Wednesday Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:29am

I've changed my name as I see there is now another Mary (there often is) and so you will know this is me. Leah - every word you wrote rang true for me. The most bitter pill I still find hard to swallow is that I didn't get the degree I felt my talents deserved. But - everything else is on me. I can't blame the bi-polar for anything. Not if I'm taking responsibility. As for the truth and lies... well - the blogs I write for you are always the truth, but sometimes the facts have been (very slightly) changed. Oh, and the names nearly always have! But I tell people that if they want to know who I really am, then read the Wednesday blog on Moodscope. You guys get the real me - all of me. TMI sometimes, I don't wonder!

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:27pm

Mary Wednesday, I knew it wasn't you. I like your new name. My children and friends often say way TMI but this is who we are. warts and all for everyone to see. Thanks for your feedback,

Frankie Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:46am

Morning Leah - this is excellent - challenging, but excellent: thank-you (I think!) My biggest lie? I am not good enough - everyone else is brighter, smarter, cleverer, wiser, more efficient than me ... Frankie

Tutti Frutti Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 7:13pm

Hi Frankie I am also prone to really believing that I am not good enough and that I don't compare well to others. (My boss once told me that no one else had ever argued because they thought their performance comments were too good.) When I think rationally I know I must be better at things than I sometimes think but it is really difficult. I think I am sometimes in danger of not making any allowance at all for my bipolar disorder making things more difficult to achieve and comparing myself to people who don't have as much on their plates. I am not claiming that I would be Sir Humphrey Appleby if I didn't have bipolar, but perhaps I shouldn't feel I've failed because my cohort are generally a grade or two above me. I need to remember that for a part time working mother with bipolar holding down a responsible job at roughly the level I am qualified for is an achievement. I am a lot closer to accepting this now than I used to be. Not sure if anyone is still reading at this hour but love to anyone who is and hope those of you who are feeling low today are looking after yourselves and trying to be kind to yourselves. Love TF

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:30pm

Frankie, That is sad that you and may of us feel we are not good enough. Of course my first reaction is to say to you and others, of course you are good enough. The thing is we need to say it to ourselves. Just wish that process (thanks ratg) would hurry up!!

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:34pm

Tutti Frutti, Thanks for your thoughtful comment. As you can see I am always reading posts later because I am asleep when yours and many comments are posted. I can relate to some much of what you said, even though I have run my own shop for ten years I still wonder what I would have done without bipolar. The thing I realised is why do I imagine I would have achieved so much more, I may have done much less. I think you are doing very well and I enjoy reading your comments. Take care

The Gardener Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 1:23pm

Mary Wednesday - feeling you could have done better - and what your talents deserved. Expectations! When I took my degree (age 53) I hoped I'd done well - but on essay work I was usually in the B+ because the mean lecturers left our essays mark outwards in our pigeon holes and we knew what everybody else was doing. But a high percentage of the potential 2:1, or even a 1st, in course work fell at the exam hurdle - nerves or, foolishly regurgitating their best essay which did NOT answer the question. A grand-son did his statistics on his marks and course work and did just enough to get the mark he thought he deserved - his god-father went on and on at him - aim higher. But no, so he got less than his talents could do because he preferred playing cricket or in gigs. He is doing exceedingly well, nevertheless. I don't remember lying to myself over major issues in my life, but now! I am putting on weight, hate it - bad for me psychologicaly and physical - so, it's out with crisps, alcohol cakes and lavish butter. I kid myself (in the excellent blog I would substitute the word 'kid' for lie) that I need alcohol - I really crave it when down and out. When I succeed in losing weigh I feel really good. Another downright lie is that playing Solitaire helps me relax - rubbish - always feel worse when I find out how long I've been playing - through inertia, no energy to get on with next task. Worst lie, and big-headed as well, is that I (underlined) will be able to 'manage' Alzheimers - help needed just as there is with depression - I just do not know how to 'act' to keep some format to our lives. I KNOW I could slip Mr G a lot more drugs, nobody surveys my management of them, but if I turn him into a partial zombie, very tempting, with his poor sight he's bound to fall and break a femur. That's not a post, it's a lecture - but the blog did ask a lot of questions, and the following posts asked more. That's Moodscope for you.

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:38pm

Gardener, I see your posts and inspirations and meditations. Thank you. I always learn so much. I think with regard to food and alcohol, I think kid is a good word, for the other things I would keep lie. Your honesty is so raw and revealing and I know you are writing what many of us feel or have felt or thought. In a world when we are being told to be happy no matter what our burden, your writing is so refreshing. Hugs to you xx

Karin Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 1:43pm

Dear Leah and all, The Gardener in particular,
Thank you for this blog and all the questions. Hearing them is one thing. Answering is another. Taking on answering is great - that is you and Moodscope working toghether dear Gardener, isn't it?

Moodscope like everything is what we make of it. And the more energy we put into it the more we get out of it too. It is great! It even multiplies.

My biggest lie to myself? Ever - that I was alone and helpless. NGE is also another great lie that Hopeful mentions too. Not good enough. It is not true - for anyone. Not the rest of all that judgement ideas either!

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:41pm

Karin, Thank you for your comment. The replies really make the blog make sense and I am always keen to see what other say. Take care

Eva Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 2:09pm

A tricky one to pin point, I try to be really honest with myself generally, my therapist seems to think I am fairly tough on myself not giving myself a break. I don't think I lie, but I can rationalise pretty much anything. I guess one of my issues currently is doing too much when I am to be taking it easy and recouping strength. Maybe I lie to myself about that... That it's ok to go to the gym and do a wee bit of work and laundry etc. When I could be sitting reading. Tricky as I said as I can rationalise those activities easily...

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:43pm

Eva, I can relate to "I can rationalise pretty much anything".. I think that would be the same for most people. The fact you are aware of this is a good start. Thanks for your comments. they have given me more to think about.

Anonymous Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 2:12pm

Hello Leah. Another interesting blog from you. With me,it's a case of not seeing what is glaringly obvious to everyone else. I have been in a destructive relationship which I thought I could cope with but clearly I was struggling and my health suffered but what did I do? I took medication and blamed another aspect of my life for causing my mental decline. So I suppose one could call it lying to myself or in denial. I don't lie to others even though I have withheld information from those close to me. Is that a form of lying? You seemed a bit down Leah. Hope I am wrong. Julxx

Leah Fri, Jun 3rd 2016 @ 11:45pm

Jul, Someone told me there is a "sin of omission" in some religions, I never knew that. I used to tell my parents on a need to know basis! I don't see it as lying I think it is usually used to save people from unnecessary hurt. I am ok just a bit tired and a bit on my mind. Thanks for caringxx

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