With and without her

12 Sep 2020
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I was a twin the first twenty years of my life, Then I lost her.

I couldn’t throw her a life line, and she fell in the bottomless pit of despair.

Now I have been without my twin for forty years, Twice the time that I had been with her.

I am a fish in the vast ocean, staying above water. When I drown, I will be with her once again.

Now I float from the bottom to the top,

With the starfish and the sea turtles,

Swimming to the surface for a breath of air.

Christine

A Moodscope member.

A Moodscope member.

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Comments

Molly

Sept. 13, 2020, 3:06 a.m.

Dear Christine This is such a sad read. Not something you will ever get over I can imagine. Very powerful writing in a few words. Time is a strange thing. Some things feel like they were just yesterday don’t they. You have had to live with this for so long. Please don’t drown yet, your sister wouldn’t have wanted that. Live the life you have been given, knowing one day you will be back together again. And keep breathing. Love and hugs Molly xx

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Rosie

Sept. 13, 2020, 4:41 a.m.

Thank you Christine for sharing such very important facts about yourself. So many different feelings this would have created and coloured so many of life's patchwork quilted squares in your life. I do hope you have warm memories of childhood to colour some of the squares and never feel pressured to live for two. I love your analogy of swimming with the starfish and sea turtles. Go well Christine .Live your life, make your patchwork quilt. Kind wishes in abundance, Rosie x

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The librarian

Sept. 13, 2020, 4:52 a.m.

Christine, what a beautiful way to express your feelings and your loss. You are one of the Moodscopers I think of frequently and wonder about. I am glad you’ve been able to write recently, and I hope you continue to do so. Take very good care of yourself.

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The librarian

Sept. 13, 2020, 4:52 a.m.

Christine, what a beautiful way to express your feelings and your loss. You are one of the Moodscopers I think of frequently and wonder about. I am glad you’ve been able to write recently, and I hope you continue to do so. Take very good care of yourself.

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Sally

Sept. 13, 2020, 5:49 a.m.

Good morning, Christine. Poignant writing, beautiful expression. As a twin myself I hate to think what it would’ve been like to have lost her these forty years! It is a relationship none other can replace. “Swimming with the star fish and the sea turtles “- lovely ! Take care of yourself, Christine, and forgive yourself for not being able to save her. You weren't responsible for her life. I am so sorry for your loss these forty years.

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the room above the garage

Sept. 13, 2020, 5:49 a.m.

Hello Christine, I’m so moved by your writing. It allows me to feel, just for a moment, the gaping hole you live with. That hole is un-fillable and I hope that sometimes it might even be dry land to rest inside. I’m sending out my very best to you and I will hold you close today. Love ratg x

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Tutti Frutti

Sept. 13, 2020, 5:50 a.m.

Hi Christine That's such a powerful bit of writing and I am so sorry that you have had to live with such tragic events. The others have already said everything there is to say really. I just wanted to send my love in the hope that knowing we care about you helps you even the tiniest bit to keep going. Love TF x

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Mimine

Sept. 13, 2020, 6:42 a.m.

Beautifully expressed words of sorrow and sadness but also of strength and resilience. We are all here for you, Christine. Take great care of yourself! X

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Kristin

Sept. 13, 2020, 6:46 a.m.

What a wonderful tribute to your beloved twin sister! Christine - you are such a talented poet - I love the imagery of your words. I am currently privileged to be able to witness at first hand the pleasures and sometimes the pain / frustrations of life for a sibling of multiple birth - my sister has triplet daughters, two of whom are identical - they are just 4 years old and have started school last week (I love spending time with my sister and the family she once thought she would never have - a son now aged 12 and the girls born when she was 43 years old following years of fertility treatment to try for a sibling for her son) Incidentally, my sister is also a talented writer and especially writes wonderful children's stories in a style similar to Julia Donaldson, she also wrote me a beautiful poem to be read by my daughter when my husband and I renewed our wedding vows after 25 years of marriage and 30 years as a couple - it perfectly captured the sentiments of a long term relationship with its mix of good times and bad - pleasure and pain -that was 10 years ago now! Like several of the Moodscopers above, I am sending you love and hugs to comfort you in your great loss having endured 40 years without your twin, but also to celebrate the 20 years you shared together and created the bond that helped shape the woman you are today! I too emplore you "not to drown to be reunited with your sister for a long time yet" - you have so much to give and to live for for yourself. Love and hugs, Kristin x x

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Kristin

Sept. 13, 2020, 6:50 a.m.

Molly -you were awake early! I wasn't too much later - but had a much better nights sleep last night - I got 7 hours sleep altogether (but was up to take pills for a headache at 2.30 am), however, slept for a further 3 hours afterwards!

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The Gardener

Sept. 13, 2020, 12:52 p.m.

Kristin, I am sleeping badly, and in desperation take another half sleeping pill at 4 a.m. Trouble is, it is worse than a hangover the next day. Then, at my age, sleepless night leads to dozing during the day, then not tired, and on it goes.

Molly

Sept. 13, 2020, 3:14 p.m.

Kristin, up late, not up early!! :-) I’m allergic to mornings!

Oli

Sept. 13, 2020, 7:21 a.m.

Thank you for writing Christine. I was reading and, as one does, your words connect in ways you can't predict as I try to make sense of it. (I have no siblings.) Just occurred to me that grief is an odd sort of pain in some ways. We move away from all other pain that I can think of. But when I connect with my grief, once the horrible rawness has dulled, I don't want to totally get away from the pain. I think it reminds me how much I cared. Thanks again. x

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Molly

Sept. 13, 2020, 3:19 p.m.

I can relate to this Oli. You can almost feel guilty can’t you. I have a friend who lost her husband and she said she felt awful because she had stopped missing him xx

Oli

Sept. 13, 2020, 4:28 p.m.

Yes. One of the things I experiment with is feeling the quality of pain. I don’t think it’s actually a “stop missing them”; it’s a shift in how the pain feels. But yes, that could easily cue emotions of guilt. xx

AndrewH

Sept. 13, 2020, 8:08 a.m.

Christine - So sorry to hear your story. My uncle was born a twin, but sadly his twin was a very sickly baby and died only hours after birth. Despite never actually knowing him, my uncle went through his whole life, he died last year, saying he always felt someone was missing. Having known your twin for 20 years I cannot imagine the awful hole that must have left for you.

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Daisy

Sept. 13, 2020, 9:36 a.m.

Dear Christine so sorry for your loss both of your sister and the time together you should have had. Your writing really touched me so beautiful and expressive take care

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Salt Water Mum

Sept. 13, 2020, 12:06 p.m.

Dear Christine, So sorry to read this. Your words are so sad and also poignantly beautiful. Sending hugs and strength your way, swm x

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Hazel

Sept. 13, 2020, 12:15 p.m.

It wasn't until after my grandfather died we discovered he'd been a twin and his brother survived just two years. A very poignant poem. I feel the loss of my husband who died just short of a year ago after 46 years together.

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Valerie

Sept. 13, 2020, 12:15 p.m.

Hello Christine, I am so sorry to hear of this terrible sadness.It must be an exceptionally hard loss to live with for you.Your writing is beautiful,and I would like to think your twin is not lost to you for ever.xx

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Hazel

Sept. 13, 2020, 12:15 p.m.

It wasn't until after my grandfather died we discovered he'd been a twin and his brother survived just two years. A very poignant poem. I feel the loss of my husband who died just short of a year ago after 46 years together.

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Oli

Sept. 13, 2020, 4:15 p.m.

@Hazel (((***)))

Molly

Sept. 13, 2020, 4:45 p.m.

46 years Hazel! Wow!! Such a massive gap in your life and still very raw for you. *** bless you. Sending love and warm thoughts xx

Valerie

Sept. 13, 2020, 6:57 p.m.

Oh Hazel,how I feel for you.Hugs ***

The Gardener

Sept. 13, 2020, 12:29 p.m.

Christine, 'poignant' is the word. Not quite the same, but a sad story. Our neighbours, arrived 2001, had both been married before. He was 19 years older than her, 2 grown up daughters and a teen-age son. She had custody of 4 year old son from first marriage. They then had a son and daughter between them. The half-brothers became great pals. But step-father treated wife's son abominably, our house had been divided, thin partition, we heard everything. Cont

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The Gardener

Sept. 13, 2020, 12:42 p.m.

Conditions became so bad, the step-son had psychiatric help, solution, send him back to natural father, re-married. The greatest sufferer was the 7 year old, lost his soul-mate. He is now the age of my youngest grand-son. I have never seen the young man with a mate, male or female. He lives with his Dad (bitter) in a huge derelict house. Mum has left them both. My family was not perfect - but the house was always full of youngsters scoffing cake, crashed out on floors, endless music - I feel so sorry for this young man.

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Marigold

Sept. 13, 2020, 12:43 p.m.

Hearbreaking Christine, but brave of you to write.

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Molly

Sept. 13, 2020, 3:26 p.m.

Are you feeling any better today Marigold? Hope so xx

The Gardener

Sept. 13, 2020, 12:48 p.m.

Christine, please forgive me for a quick hark back to my blog of yesterday. For the first time in scoring the 'Hostile' card got a high score. I had a delicious (if somewhat alcoholic lunch) then went to water Mr G's grave. It was very hot. The council has put in taps at regular distances, with watering cans. The latter have all been stolen. I found an empty vase on a neighbouring grave to use as a container. So,I shall have to take my own watering can, provoking glances at lunch about this dotty old woman who carries a watering can about with her!

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Molly

Sept. 13, 2020, 3:31 p.m.

Ha ha Gardener! But why oh why do people steal watering cans!! Makes me rather mad. Especially knowing the purpose of them xx

Salt Water Mum

Sept. 13, 2020, 3:32 p.m.

Hi The Gardener, thinking of you watering MrG's grave. Can you believe that someone took the lovely colourful tub of flowers that my sis and I put on mum and dad's grave and replaced it with a dirty tub of half dead flowers? People sometimes eh!! (And yes our lovely tub was on another grave but we didn't swap it back - it seemed sort of mean to do that. But then why don't other people not think the same... gggrrghhh !!) x

Molly

Sept. 13, 2020, 4:34 p.m.

What a cheek SWM ! Unbelievable ! Xx

The Gardener

Sept. 13, 2020, 5:41 p.m.

It is really sad here - so much stealing - it seems one of the worst things to do. Grr indeed. I can't stand plastic flowers - I have actually 'gardened' Mr G's grave with deep, un-nickable containers - but it does mean watering. x

Molly

Sept. 13, 2020, 7:31 p.m.

A lot of it goes on here as well Gardener xx

Molly

Sept. 13, 2020, 4:12 p.m.

My husband is a twin. He and his brother are like chalk and cheese. They have never got on and now don’t see each other at all. This is his brothers decision, husband gets quite upset about it sometimes. They have an older brother, but he lives away so there is little contact with him as well. The brothers are husband’s only family so it’s sad. Also puts a lot more responsibility on me, being his carer, little help and support :-( xx

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Jackie

Sept. 13, 2020, 6:02 p.m.

Hi Christine, Your words really touched me today, beautifully written, i hope you are comforted by everyones responses, thinking of you x

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Lexi

Sept. 14, 2020, 12:57 p.m.

Christine, I share RATGs sentiments. I read this yesterday and the void sat with me all day. I'm sorry I didn't respond. I have a good friend who lost his older brother to suicide at a very young age - 16. The void changes and shifts like the tide and the sand. Stay with us. Keep swimming. xo

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