Why me?

5 Aug 2019
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What has caused my mental health problems that have blighted my life?

Was I born with a tendency to have mental health problems? If so why, because I am not aware of any history of mental health issues in my family. Then again, such problems were not spoken openly about and under diagnosed, so there could have been. My daughter also suffers, but is this nurture or nature?

Was it because I was shy. As a child I was clingy and I still don't like large gatherings. However, I did have a managerial role involving public speaking. My ability to cope with this role varied depending on if I was on a high or low. When low, other staff helped and when in the office left me alone to come out of it. When high I relished the public speaking and often interrupted colleagues when they were wanting to concentrate by chatting incessantly. Am I an introvert compensating with stressful effort to impress others?

Was it the lack of physical affection as a child. I knew I was loved but no cuddles. Was it the sexual abuse when I was 9 by a relative? I have had talking therapy for this but perhaps the damage was permanently etched into my inner child?

Will I ever be free? I have come to terms with the medication, rather like a diabetic accepts lifelong insulin. I do all of the self help strategies which I have found helps. Despite this, depression keeps creeping up on me like a black rain cloud that drifts over me, sometimes I can see it approaching, sometimes I just wake and it's there.

Do you have any theories about 'Why you' and like me, do you become angry about the unfairness of it?

Having said that, sometimes I think it's worth suffering the darkness if the cloud, to appreciate the glorious sunshine of the high.

Jenny

A Moodscope member.

A Moodscope member.

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Comments

Liz

Aug. 6, 2019, 3:43 a.m.

Hi Jenny... first post here due to insomnia from overthinking! I'm really not sure if I have any theories. I had major surgery when I was 5 and it was 50/50 whether I would survive as it was back in 1969 and I had peritonitis. A machine they named "Bertie" would pump poison from my stomach and I remember having to have tubes down my nose and I cried - I hated it although it was saving my life. Very prehistoric now. But that whole time and who I met is clearly etched on to my brain. I read somewhere about the link between childhood trauma and depression in later life but cannot put it succinctly enough at 5.30 in the morning to make any sense! I do however think that the brain processes things uniquely in each individual. One person may be able to just file that, whilst another may dwell on things. In the case of sexual abuse, the trauma must be magnified a million times and my heart goes out to you. We owe it to ourselves to live the best lives we can, despite the black dog at our feet because I do believe that on the flip side, to use myself as an example, my creativity is the gift I was given to compensate... and my compassion towards others (compassion to oneself is always more difficult I find). My brother has had a much easier trajectory through life and comparisons are often unhelpful but there is always a but - no surgery, no financial woes, no depression, no two major illnesses... the list goes on... and I think why me... but who would I rather be? Most definitely me. I also have a very silly side to me and an (at times) black sense of humour - as well as other colours - which gets me through. I think I have let go of my anger because it turned in on me... it hurt me the most - the others I was attempting to channel my anger towards weren't even aware of their behaviour so how could I possibly change it... the events have happened so anger won't help me unless I want to punch a hole in something and hurt my hand at the same time. I don't want to hurt or beat myself up any more. Self-compassion is the key... imagine that small frightened child and as an adult what would you say to her. I'd like to think I'd wrap invisible arms around her and tell her that she will be safe in time... because she has herself to look after her. I started self compassion far too late but recent events have taught me that I must look after myself more... so busy chasing after others - part of the role as I take funeral services and I also care for a professional living. Hope my reply has helped a little. I always feel that others are able to put things better on here than me - again that comparison monster never too far away. Hugs.

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Sally

Aug. 6, 2019, 5:21 a.m.

Hi Liz. I always think how well you put things on here. Truly. Very pictorial , enjoyable anecdotes and compassion shines out of you. i wish you were my son’s carer / support worker! Undergoing dreadful time at the moment, no manager in Home, no activities . Understaffed, those that do turn up are demotivated and lacking initiative.

Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:27 a.m.

That is terrible Sally. Is there nothing you feel you can do to shake things up in your Home? No one should have to put up with poor care, and it makes me angry to here when things like this happen.

M

Aug. 6, 2019, 8:28 a.m.

Hi again Liz, have reread your response as it was so thoughtful and eloquent. "Dont let comparison be the thief of joy", you write extremely well, when so heartfelt, you can't go wrong!

The Gardener

Aug. 6, 2019, 8:36 a.m.

Sally, I am so sorry. I count myself SO lucky that not only was Mr G near me but that the staff were fantastic, to him, and hugs, kisses and moral support when I fell to bits. Watching Boris, and his 'promises'. Money CANNOT buy staff in a job they do not want to do. xx

Liz

Aug. 6, 2019, 9:34 a.m.

Hi Sally I thought I had replied but it was on the mobile so probably not! Thank you so much for saying that. Hope your son gets the care and support he deserves soon x

Valerie

Aug. 6, 2019, 9:45 a.m.

It must be so hard for you Sally,worrying about him all the time.Does he go into meltdown through frustration? It sounds as if there has been something going on behind the scenes at the home,no manager is unacceptable.Sending hugs xx

Molly

Aug. 6, 2019, 12:50 p.m.

Did anything come out of that meeting You had Sally? Xx

Lexi

Aug. 6, 2019, 2:38 p.m.

Liz, I am so glad you are able to hug and hold that 5 year old. I too do that with my therapist - go back and protect the girl that was harmed. It is self healing, self compassion, self love. So important, at any age xo

Sally

Aug. 7, 2019, 6:35 p.m.

Thanks, all. 3 meetings later, things still not resolved at the home, Molly. It’s a slow ,slow process. I can’t begin to tell you how disappointed we are as 10 years ago, that provision exceeded our wildest dreams. We will do everything in our power to get the residents what they should be having, and deserve!

Katie

Aug. 8, 2019, 6:54 a.m.

Well done Sally xx

Liz

Aug. 6, 2019, 3:44 a.m.

And it was 4 years old, not 5!

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M

Aug. 6, 2019, 6:58 a.m.

Beautiful response Liz, we sound very alike, including my having a tube pushed down my throat when I was 4 or 5yrs to pump my stomach out as I had eaten - at my older sisters suggestion - my mothers anti sickness pills! The other night I dreamt I was pulling pins out of the back of my mouth and I have just made the connection as I write this reply. I've always had a feeling of something "blocked" around my throat, not being able to get words out, or express myself, choking up. etc. I too wrap my arms around this young child that was so frightened and scared and try to soothe and reassure her. I've lived my life being scared and now feel heartbroken for the incredible opportunities I have had and not accepted due to my fears. Today is another day.....:-)

Liz

Aug. 6, 2019, 9:38 a.m.

Isn't that strange Millie. For years after and especially moving to England at 12 (from Scotland) every time I opened my mouth the mick was taken so I became very quiet. Verbal expression was difficult at a time I really needed to say things and I often felt I was "gagged" from saying important stuff about family issues "we don't discuss family stuff" was all I got told. I now have one job where I express myself succinctly and with passion but it took me a while to "find my voice" hidden amongst the too-loud shouting from others. My dad and brother would talk over me at the dinner table which would drive me crackers. Usually about football or some such utter crapola! Seize the day for sure and take it from me, it is NEVER too late to rekindle those incredible opportunities... I started my own business at 49 and never been prouder of myself. I've got lots of aspirations for the future which I wish to fulfill x good luck

M

Aug. 6, 2019, 10:43 a.m.

I understand this completely - we were not heard and in my case I was told "never to mention this again" and so I shut up for 40 years ,.......then let rip and exploded! Chaos ensued, but out of chaos comes calm and with professional help, I am slowly finding my voice, long overdue and welcome, so if I go on a bit...........I have a lot to say and a lot of years to make up for! We have even more in common than I thought, I am also from Scotland, moved to England 32years ago and just starting up my own business having crossed over the threshold of half a century. Great to hear of your future aspirations, sounds really positive - I feel sure you will fulfill them such is your enthusiasm which I hear! xx

Oli

Aug. 6, 2019, 3:19 p.m.

Love your reply Liz. I won't waffle: "self-compassion is the key" you said. I aspire to this. But the way you put your reply into context was beautiful. Thank you.

Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 4:42 a.m.

Wow Liz, that’s a detailed response for any time of day. I’m so sorry you suffered such a horrible time with your illness as a child . They didn’t allow parents to be with you then either did they? I think you are right about some people being able to ‘file’ a bad experience whereas others dwell on them. Keep going with the self compassion and thanks for the reply.

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 4:44 a.m.

Just realised that my replies are from my new alias - needed to change because of other members having the same Name. Besides I like Maggie May.

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Liz

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:06 a.m.

Wake up Maggie I think I've got something to say to you....great song

Sally

Aug. 6, 2019, 5:15 a.m.

Hi Jenny , thank you for your timely and interesting blog. The very questions I have been asking myself - why do I get depressed ? I have no pat answers. At the moment, I am being super- careful with my diet...it is definitely helping. A few theories : frozen anger turns into depression. As a child I was dismissed and neglected “don’t be silly” , “No you don’t !” and know I felt immense frustration, and anger, at not getting a hearing, so turned those feelings inwards. Abuse at a young age, 7, also figured, the memory of which plagued me and withered any self esteem for years. UntiI I had counselling. I was a very sensitive child , which I put down to nature. So, depression = maybe a combination? Interestingly, my twin has never suffered from depression. But has had several major physical illnesses , ongoing. Sorry I can’t be more helpful, and best of luck to you! Virtual hugs.

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 5:35 a.m.

Hi Liz, thanks for the hugs , much appreciated even though virtual. Love the description you used ‘frozen anger’ and so true. Hope the changed diet goes well. You must keep us posted. It could be the topic of a blog.

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 5:36 a.m.

Sorry I meant Sally!

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Just some guy you know

Aug. 6, 2019, 5:50 a.m.

Wow Maggie Mae - that could have been my story! Substitute Asperger's for shyness (though just last night my mum was repeating her view I'm not ASD, I was just painfully shy) and it's practically word for word. I have struggled for years wondering whether me suppressing my feelings (assuming I had any!) was down to childhood trauma or just the way my brain worked. I am finally going to get some psychotherapy to help explore this. As for any feelings of unfairness and anger - just add them to the list of things I try to keep firmly under control ... and which leak out in unexplained physical symptoms. gx

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M

Aug. 6, 2019, 8:41 a.m.

Hi, when I was doing my counselling training, I asked the tutor what happens with unexpressed emotions. I didn't really get a response to this, but I found out for myself when I let rip! I had no control at the time, this had been wanting to be said for 40 years and so it was. More of a **** bursting than a leak. Unexpressed emotions will come out at some point, so better in an environment where you are being supported, than at an inappropriate time when all chaos will be unleashed. I know now what happens to my cost with unexpressed emotion. I have actually blown two head gaskets! I am told it is not my driving, (I always check the water), but a design fault with the car! I guess when you know there is a weakness in the design, you take more care of that particular weakness and protect it. I hope you find the psychotherapy useful.

The Gardener

Aug. 6, 2019, 9:03 a.m.

Millie, after 25 years of bullying by my m-in-law (never said a word) an excellent psychotherapist (he was a priest as well) 'burst the dam' in 4 sessions. I told Mr G years after his mother's death, glad I kept quiet, he would have thrown his mother out.

Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 6:01 a.m.

Hi g, so sorry that you too suffered childhood trauma and I am thrilled that you are going to seek help as I’m sure if you get the right person it will help. If you feel you are not connecting , please don’t give up but try someone else. It’s not uncommon to not get the right one for you first time. You are so right about the physical symptoms - also headaches etc are easier to elicit the sympathy you crave rather than mental anguish. Good luck.

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Just some guy you know

Aug. 6, 2019, 8:02 a.m.

Thanks!

The Gardener

Aug. 6, 2019, 6:51 a.m.

Good morning MM, sad stories like yours elicit old platitudes 'It's ***'s Will', 'Life's not fair'. My mother had some weird ideas. She had 8 sisters - one I particularly liked had a stroke quite young, and she was left with all sorts of problems. They had 5 children, her husband coped so well. Mummy's reaction 'It's unfair, she's worked so hard all her life'. As if a blameless life is like an amulet against ills. I had problems with parents' miserable marriage, but nothing like you. Good to 'write it out' excellent therapy (I think).

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:33 a.m.

It is helpful sometimes. It also helps to share- and to be believed.

The Gardener

Aug. 6, 2019, 6:58 a.m.

I have become an 'ostrich' about the news, feeling I've got enough problems in my daily life. But an item yesterday shocked me. A woman, who was born as the result of her mother being raped, wants to find the natural father and 'bring him to justice'.The mother is against it, it was SHE who suffered. It seems the height of cruelty and vengeance to even think of subjecting her mother to such dreadful memories in the public glare. You who have suffered abuse, do you sometimes think that 'punishment' of the perpetrator would help you? Strength to all who have suffered in childhood. xx

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:12 a.m.

Honoured to have you reply to my blog Gardener. I reported the perpetrator to the police when I was 40 and was getting flashbacks. I had blocked the memory prior to that. I did it so that if he had been implicated in any other similar crimes I would be prepared to add my evidence , not really as vengeance, but to help stop him doing it again . He was a family member at the time, through marriage , so was not easy. I’m not sure how I feel about the news item. I can see the child’s side of things, but as you say, the mother would be affected.

Sally

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:19 a.m.

Hi Gardener, that’s a really interesting question you ask. Personally I wouldn’t ever want to see my abuser again, but I would’ve liked to have told him how deeply his actions affected my self esteem. But, it’s a double edged sword because that would mean revisiting. Best to move on.

The Gardener

Aug. 6, 2019, 2:15 p.m.

This whole question is so near to me through the refuges we spent time at in India. A widow would re-marry, the step-father was more attracted to the daughter - they would be at their mercy. No escape, except into begging, or if lucky a refuge.

Sally

Aug. 7, 2019, 6:41 p.m.

How awful! It makes me FURIOUS! The injustice of it all.

Jul

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:03 a.m.

Hi Jenny. I was thinking this very same things a few nights ago and concluded that as a child I was like I am now when I feel low. Shy, under confident, a people pleaser and not very happy unless I was doing something I really liked on my own. Somewhere along the years, I had a few highs and so came the frustrating comparisons and the aim to reach that high as if it should be the norm. But I have come to the conclusion that I should be asking myself why and when did the occasional highs come from not why am I depressed. I think being "depressed" is normal for me and the real me. Not depressed depressed but a subliminal low. So I am working on the highs now not that I get many and I am wondering if they are the main symptoms of my mental health issues. Jul xx

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Jul

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:04 a.m.

Sorry Jenny. I'm in France with laptop problems so my answer is short above. Thank you for your blog today. Jul xx

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:18 a.m.

Hi Jul, thanks for your interesting reply. Hope your weather is as nice in France as it is here. I too like being ‘ high’ , and am tempted to try to prolong them , but know I will pay a price. I am sometimes asked if I am excited about forthcoming holidays etc, and realise that I have never been excited about anything! I think that child like feeling was something I lost somewhere along the way.

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M

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:36 a.m.

Hi Maggie May, I could've written this blog myself! Shy, clingly don't like large gatherings, yes and the relative bit - can't even bring myself to say (write) it - which may be the pins in the throat - words getting stuck etc. As to theories, when we don't express our feelings as children, they stay in our system and influence our behavior unconsciously, serving to protect us as defense mechanisms from more of the same. Anger, is a great defense system. I have a look that says "don't you dare come near me?". I don't need words for this look!! Like many of us, I am also very creative, but have never really appreciated this as a gift, (it's just something I do/have/am - see Mary's recent blog) or found my outlet for expression so now as I try to acknowledge the less comfortable feelings and let them in, they are losing their potency and I am starting to feel more and more comfortable with what is. I may not "like it", but I do not have to resist it. One thing is clear, we are not alone, and may well just be the tip of the iceberg, so let us appreciate the fact that we have found this site, are addressing the way we are, communicating with each other and offering support, comfort and friendship. :-) Other people may well be suffering in silence. Thank you for sharing your blog. Notice the cloud, observing the shape and form, the texture, the weight of it, the feel of it, the colour of it, light blue/grey or dark and thunderous - then let the gentle breeze and rays of sunshine move it along and dissolve it's potency.

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Liz

Aug. 6, 2019, 9:43 a.m.

Hi Millie... that last sentence... so powerful, so beautiful... took my breath away. x gorgeous

Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 7:43 a.m.

Thanks Millie, I do appreciate this site and wish it had existed when I was younger. Thanks also for the advice about the cloud. I will definitely try that . Still haven’t totally given up on the dream that the blue sky’s could stay forever .

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M

Aug. 6, 2019, 8:18 a.m.

...now that is an impossible dream! I understand the sentiment and without taking your comment too literally, if that were the case, the crops would fail, wildlife would suffer, the earth parched etc. The point being, we need the clouds for comfort from a searing sun and the rain for growth. So the metaphor really is not the cloud but how we see the cloud - do we see it always as an enemy hiding the sun, or could it be a friend offering shade? "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see", to quote Henry David Thoreau.

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The Gardener

Aug. 6, 2019, 8:40 a.m.

Millie, as a retired farmer, manic gardener, and living in a France suffering serious drought, I get SO cross with weather forecasters mentioning rain as a national disaster. Do they know nothing about the needs of all life?

Nicco

Aug. 6, 2019, 10:08 a.m.

MM/Jenny, thank you for your blog which really resonates with me. I also resonate very much with Liz's reply. I'm not in a good enough place to write much here but, through counselling, I have come to realise that i shouldn't under estimate the effects of childhood trauma/abuse & surpressed anger. I have cptsd, & fear & anger both produce the same feeling for me &, because i was never allowed to show emotions, much less taught how to deal with them, & had to always supress them when growing up, i find them so hard to deal with, even now at age 60. I was always humiliated for my shyness & not liking crowds. I don't think i've ever been excited about anything in my life - just a sense of dread at all the things that could go wrong if an event comes up which others would be excited about. I hated birthday parties when little & hated my own even more because i hated being the centre of attention or drawing attention to myself. At a low ebb for the last several weeks, i looked at possible causes & noted from my journal how often i'd written that something/someone had made me very angry. It's when i feel someone/something has backed me into a corner with nowhere to turn & that nothing can be done about a situation or that nothing i can do will make a person see things from my point if view (they don't have to agree with me, just hear me out & understand where i'm coming from) that the feelings of rage come over me, & which then seem to turn into depression & i start waking in the mornings with sinking jittery feelings in my stomach, shoulder pain, a feeling that there us no point to anything, & my energy drains away so that even lifting my head off the pillow is like climbing Everest, & days go by where i'm wading through treacle & my brain shuts down so my speech is slow & i forget words & can't formulate sentences. I now realise that i hold onto past injustices & these fester away & bubble into anger which develops into a raging storm inside with no outlet like some huge internal couldron. I know i have to find a way to deal with & let go of/file away these occurrences, but not sure how. I use the 'how would i advise a friend?' technique which does sometimes help but it's hard to know if it's the ME/fibro or outside sources, or (more likely) a combination of all. As to whether i would want to bring to justice my abusers - i can't see the point because in my experience these people categorically deny that they did anything wrong, which has both fascinated & enraged me - maybe denial is the only way they can live with themselves, i don't know, but i do know that for me it would be a fruitless exercise & only serve to awaken demons that are best left alone to fester in their own juices, but i do know that when seeking to bury these things, they never seem to be buried dead & therefore can rise when triggered. I don't know what the answer is other than acceptance & self-compassion & a kind of letting go of wanting others to understand - easy to day but not so easy to put into practice. I was in my local tearoom yesterday when i heard two people discussing self-harm & how they really don't understand it & they seemed quite angry about it - it took all my inner restraint not to gatecrash their comversation & give my two penny-worth if enlightenment.

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 10:38 a.m.

So sorry you are in a bad place Nicole and thanks for taking the trouble to reply. I too sometimes want to gate crash other people’s conversations when I feel they are ignorant about important facts and therefore being judgemental . Sometimes I do but in ! Keep battling knowing that these messages you carry with you are false and that this depressive phase will go.

Nicco

Aug. 7, 2019, 9:32 a.m.

Thanks, MM. Yes, i have to hold onto the fact that it will pass as it always does - i just don't know when or what to do to help it other than what i'm doing & waiting.

R

Aug. 13, 2019, 9:09 p.m.

Hi Nicco I can relate to so much of what you have written and have had two breakdowns over the past twenty years, the first from despair and the second from anger. Sorry to hear about your current suffering. I think your technique of thinking about what you would say to a friend is a great idea and also I think others have written about, what compassion could we show our child selves to begin the healing. Best wishes for a happier tomorrow.

Nicco

Aug. 21, 2019, 8:15 a.m.

Thank you, R. I'm sorry to hear of your breakdowns. I sometimes think I'd rather get angry than depressed as it's easier to deal with, but sometimes anger spirals down into despair. I do think being more compassion with ourselves is a good thing to do, as constant negativity drags us down. I send you my best wishes, too.

R

Aug. 21, 2019, 9:30 p.m.

namaste

Valerie

Aug. 6, 2019, 10:09 a.m.

Hi Jenny, Am I right in thinking that bi-polar has been your illness? I don't know much about it,other than the typical symptoms.I have had the impression though that along with schizophrenia it is a hormonal/chemical imbalance, and can strike those who have had very happy childhoods? Of course, the things that have happened in your past won't have helped. Given my parents,and my upbringing I can't say I have ever thought "Why Me".There was always a sense of a timebomb,although for many years I thought I had escaped it.Looking back,I now see I was actually very unstable and desperate when I thought I was coping o.k. I have heard bi-polar friends say they resent being kept on an even keel,and greatly miss the periods of elation. For me,the anxiety has been even worse than the depression.Each bout seems to weaken me,leaving me more likely to succumb again.I also feel very lucky that I still have my general health for now.x

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 10:46 a.m.

Hi Valerie, I agree anxiety is so unbelievable draining to cope with. I have had a diagnosis of cyclothaemia , seen as a milder version of bi polar. The hormonal influence in my case feels valid as I did have a bad time with monthly mood swings and this ‘diagnosis’ I was given resulted in post menopausal problems . It’s not straightforward is it?

Molly

Aug. 6, 2019, 11:59 a.m.

Thanks for the great blog Maggie/Jenny and some great replies here too. Not sure I have ever thought ‘why me’ really, although I do get a bit jealous of people with close families. I’ve always blamed my childhood for my depression and I’m sure it played a big part but I also think it’s the general make up of one’s personality. I was a shy nervous child even before things went wrong. So I guess I found it all harder to cope with. Apparently BPD is caused my childhood traumas. I also have cyclothymia. It’s a complex issue isn’t it. Molly xx

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 12:27 p.m.

It certainly is complex, although so many people on here share personality traits, experiences and outlooks. Although I’m not sure I would go as far as saying I’m glad I have mental health issues , it’s a nice club of people to be a member of - especially with people like you in it. Sounds corny reading that back, but what the hec !

Molly

Aug. 6, 2019, 12:41 p.m.

What the hec indeed. I’m lapping up the compliment. I certainly am not glad I have mental health issues. I know I would have been a completely different person without them. The only bonus for me is to be able to understand others. Otherwise I might be in the ‘don’t understand’ club! Xx

Valerie

Aug. 6, 2019, 12:07 p.m.

I only learned of Cyclothaemia from Sally on here.It certainly fits my pattern of life.I ended up seeing a Harley St.specialist for PMS years ago.She was regarded as a bit of a crank by some of her peers at the time,when the usual attitude was that women do love a drama! She appeared for the defence of a local girl who killed her mother.The background was very distressing,but the girl went to jail.

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Molly

Aug. 6, 2019, 12:33 p.m.

I suffered terrible PMT, the symptoms I had, I once made a list of them, there were about twenty. Can’t remember what they all were now but I went through the menopause early, I was about 41 xx

Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 12:34 p.m.

Gosh what a terrible story Valerie. The recent case of a mum who killed her 2 children so she could ‘party’ shocked me to my core . At the same time part of me thought that one would have to be psychotic to do such a thing, and I was surprised the state of her mind was not in the report of the case. Off topic I know!

Molly

Aug. 6, 2019, 12:45 p.m.

They must be very unwell I think Maggie. I watched Piers Morgan recently interviewing a woman in prison who had drowned her daughter. She still denies it but the evidence was stacked against her. It didn’t mention she had mental health issues but her daughter had ADHD and she appeared to be at the end of her tether xx

Katie

Aug. 6, 2019, 8:03 p.m.

Hi jenny, molly, Val. Hormones! PMS has often been a trigger for me becoming suicidal. I now take a progesterone only pill. No periods. This helps. I had to ask three doctors though to get that solution. And so hard to say PMT sometimes makes me want to kill myself. Xx

Valerie

Aug. 7, 2019, 7:09 a.m.

I was told there are 2 types,depending on the hormonal dominance.One type you want to kill yourself,the other you feel murderous towards others!

Katie

Aug. 7, 2019, 9:28 a.m.

Val I feel like I had both! Lol xx

Nicco

Aug. 7, 2019, 10:08 a.m.

This seems to fit me, too, as i had terrible monthlies for over 40yrs (& awful PND after the birth of my daughter) & saw the same specialist, (Dr Kathatina Dalton?) & did quite a lot of work with her. She was patron of NAPS (National Association for Premensteual Symdrome) for whom i also did a lot of work, including magazine & tv interviews & ran a helpline. After being on Kilroy Silk we had over 10,000 letters from desperate women. Kitty has written a few books about PMS. Hormones are certainly treacherous things! Actually you will be astonished to hear there is no such thing as the progesterone only pill - progesterone cannot be taken by mouth (only by pesserie/suppository or injections, all of whch i had in the form of 'cyclogest' & 'gestone'). It's a common mistake doctors make - the pill will be the progestogen only pill - a synthetic form of progesterone which can be ingested & which does sometimes make symptoms worse in some women, so i'm glad it's helping you, katy. For women who suffer post natal illness &/or peurperal psychosis connected to child birth NAPS & Kitty Dalton advocate a 100mg injection of Gestone & a daily injection until pessaries/suppositories can be used. It must be stressed, however, that a 3hrly intake of starch (potato is best) is used alongside the progestetone therapy as the starch keeps the receptors open in the brain & keeps adrenaline out of the receptors which can block them, it won't work without it. For more information you can look at the NAPS website page & contact them direct or online. They have good info leaflets & advise keeping a monthly chart (which is plotted on a grid which you can also download from the site) to show to your doctor to aid with diagnosis.

Valerie

Aug. 7, 2019, 1:13 p.m.

Ha!Ha! Me too.x

Katie

Aug. 7, 2019, 4:39 p.m.

Nicco, thank you for your detailed info and the good work you did for the cause. Xx

Lexi

Aug. 6, 2019, 2:43 p.m.

Hi Jenny, i can remember the exact day I changed. Before then I was happy. Or so I have happy memories. After, very few. But who's to say whether the incident "changed" me or if I was just heading in that direction anyway. I don't really care much about it now; I feel my whole life has been learning how to love myself, so perhaps I was meant to learn these lessons, perhaps that is my sole purpose for being here. It has certainly made me a (hopefully) good mother to my daughter. xo

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 3:15 p.m.

Hi Lexi, this blog has resulted in a lot of sad stories being shared, and as is the case with this site, a lot of hopeful messages too. I hope you continue to remember to love yourself and pass this on to your daughter to have some good come from the bad.

Fiona

Aug. 6, 2019, 3:06 p.m.

Hi Jenny, I’ve often felt anger towards my depression over the years. Including when I find myself in “therapy,” or back on medication, again. I also struggle with a chronic pain condition and hold a **** of a lot of anger about that as it’s more recent, and without any identified cause yet. It’s definitely a constant battle and like you, I’ve explored various reasons why it may be this way - and get so frustrated that irrespective of why, it doesn’t actually change the way it is now. Also with the ever growing list of self help strategies that at best keep it at bay for a while, and at worst become another burden of things “to do” (see an old blog of mine, Project Me, Nov 18, for this epic rant!) I just try to keep on keeping on and hope it gets easier each year. Though I just turned 40 and of course am now questioning “when will I just feel settled?!”

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 3:27 p.m.

Hi Fiona, I remember your blog and identified with it. Chronic pain must make things so much harder. I wish I had an answer to your question. I can say that I have been feeling much better and think it’s partly due to taking life at a slower pace but remaining active. Too much thinking time isn’t good for me but neither is rushing around chasing my tail either.

Oli

Aug. 6, 2019, 3:44 p.m.

Hi Jenny, thank you for the blog. I've read some great replies too. For what it's worth, I crucified myself with the "Why me?" question 20 years ago. Pain which I felt was not fair. I know I've changed because I no longer ask why me. I think it was doing a regular mindfulness practice which helped greatly because out of that came the awareness of metacognitions which is what dissolved the "why me?" question. And it was also taking up regular type exercise which helped create a sense of self-efficacy and knowing I wasn't helpless. Thank you.

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Maggie May

Aug. 6, 2019, 6:46 p.m.

Hi Oli, so glad you have found some power over your own destiny and lost your feelings of helplessness. No doubt a lot of hard work went into this.i too find exercising helpful , but only the kind that involves nice locations and stops before exhaustion and sweating!

Molly

Aug. 6, 2019, 3:57 p.m.

The owner of my other dog has just said to me, you won’t do it again will you, and I explained that sometimes I just cannot help myself, she’s left me feeling worse. How was I to blame for what happened? Silly woman, feel she can bog off. One lesson learnt, don’t look after other people’s dogs xx

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Nicco

Aug. 7, 2019, 10:47 a.m.

So sorry you're left feeling worse about the situaruon, Molly. It maybe a silly question, but have you thought about getting a dog of your own? It might be a solution for you in the long term? All the benefits & love if the animal without the worry, aggro & potential problems of the connected people? Just a thought.x

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Katie

Aug. 7, 2019, 4:36 p.m.

That sounds like a good idea to me Nicco. For Molly. Xx

Molly

Aug. 7, 2019, 5:13 p.m.

Unless you have followed my story, you won’t know what my rant was about. The amount of people who have told me to get my own dog. Firstly, I won’t be able to replace the two I look after. One is going to pop off soon and if I don’t get the other one back then it’s something to think about in the future maybe but I will need to grieve for my two before that’s even possible. Strange thing is, this has happened before a few years ago. The owner stole from me, and therefore we fell out and I lost the dog, he’s since died (the dog) and it took me a while to get over it. I guess I like not having the responsibility of my own dog, but I haven’t had much luck with the owners!

Katie

Aug. 8, 2019, 6:55 a.m.

I understand better now Molly xx

Molly

Aug. 8, 2019, 4 p.m.

Xxxx

Nicco

Aug. 10, 2019, 1:56 a.m.

Yes, i understand too, Molly - the need to grieve (losing a pet is so very painful which some people can't understand, & they can't just be replaced - i was without a cat for a year before i was ready for another one after the tragic death of my cat & still wouldn't have got the one i have now if it wasn't for my husband finding her), & the responsibility (& cost - vet & food bills mainly) of having one of your own. I'm sometimes too ill to even go downstairs to feed my cat & she needs brushing every day as she's long-haired, so am grateful my husband takes over when i can't do it. Cats can take thselves in & out & i'm sire i couldnt commit to taking a dog out twice a day every day come rain, shine, hail or high water - it's a bigger respnsibility. But i inderstand, too, the hassle you've had with the owners so thought it might be a solution further down the line & in the longer term. xx

R

Aug. 13, 2019, 8:50 p.m.

Hi MM nee J I too was a shy child and as an adult still struggle to cope with social interaction and use avoidance a lot but strangely at other times I can be the life and soul. It sends mixed messages to less 'volatile' people and often makes for a lonely existence. I was ridiculed as a child when turning bright red, rather than being comforted and encouraged. I learned shame and hate and anger and resentment, which I now believe stemmed from deep fear. Your blog resonated with me together with all the articulate responses and agree and believe that compassion is healing and know that self compassion is so hard when struggling with self hate. I recently added a technique, called compassionate meditation, my arsenal of self help tools. May you be happy. Best Regards

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Maggie May

Aug. 14, 2019, 9:01 a.m.

Hi R , you use very powerful words such as hate, shame, anger and fear to describe how you feel. My first reaction was to be shocked that the s is how you feel about yourself . How horrible for you to have to cope with these feelings just now. My next reaction was how inadequate I feel in trying to help you. I think that you is the key though. Neither you nor I can remedy the hurt you may st have suffered to feel that way. I do know that there are trained professionals who can, it’s just finding them that I s hard. Keep going with the compassionate meditation and I wish you a speedy recovery from your hurting with all my heart.

R

Aug. 14, 2019, 1:12 p.m.

I have found CBT a good thing and I am working towards feeling more calm but recognise I do feel emotions strongly. Sometimes just as I think I'm in control, a trigger can sneak up and I know its not always the present I am reacting to but often past hurts that I had no tools to deal with at the time. Sadly the negative feelings so often turned inwards, were also often turned externally giving me misplaced feeing of power and I used them as a 'KEEP OUT' signal again leading to isolation. It was (past tense) a neverending circle of passivity, aggression, shame then back to passivity. I struggled with assertiveness even though outwardly people often combented they saw me as strong and confident. Then breakdown number 2 .... Now I am much more honest with myself and slowly getting to know myself, accept my failings (humanity) and explore what I need and feel. I try to relax more to help me to handle everyday interactions without fear or aggression but with calm and control. Its a work in progress. I didn't expect your response as I realised I was late to your blog but it means a lot to be listened to and I appreciate your response and your compassion. Thank you x

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Maggie May

Aug. 14, 2019, 3:04 p.m.

Dear R, I am so glad you are going in the right direction. I didn’t suffer with problems with aggression although I did sometimes feel angry. Please keep posting as I hadn’t seen you on here before, but would like to hear how you get on and I’m sure that having made progress you have some advice for others.

R

Aug. 14, 2019, 4:22 p.m.

Thanks MM I pop in every now and then. I never fully feel I fit in anywhere (I take comfort from Dr Zeus 'why fit in when you were born to stand out') but do find inspiration and kindness here. Best wishes x

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