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Who Are You? Thursday July 30, 2015

"You won't find your soul mate until you find yourself."

I often say, the amount you love yourself is the direct equivalent of how much you can love anyone else!

Without doing the work on ourselves and making that commitment with no short cuts, (see July 2nd blog) how can we expect to find the right partner?

If we find the right partner when we are insecure, or lost or down then they will be the 'right' partner, who is attracted to that incomplete person which will also most likely lead to a co-dependent relationship i.e. one where both people 'need' each other from an insecure basis – not 'want' each other and can overcome challenges to achieve that.

Co-dependency is a learned behaviour that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioural condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship.

It is also known as "relationship addiction" because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

So, for me, I now believe that until I am very comfortable with myself – which I have not been – and feel I have done the work and committed to lessening my depressive bouts – which is now happening with relationship and work changes, I will at this ripe old age of 61 be unable to find that soul mate I have so longed for.

The lack of that work previously, has brought great hardship in many forms...divorce, infidelity, damaged children, large financial losses, suicidal depressions et al.

I can however leave the best legacy I can, by fully becoming me and showing my children, one close and one still unknown after 7.5 years of separation, that we can move past such things and find a more balanced and healthy life.

The 'gift' that now 24 years of depression and one suicide attempt has given me, is that it finally made me take that Road Les(s) Travelled and to go on the only journey in life that I believe is worth it – the inside one – the inscaping one so many of us have avoided by escaping in whatever way we hoped would make us happy (drink, drugs, sex, gambling, avoidance, deceit).

If someone asked you – 'Who are you?' instead of 'what do you do?' what would you say?
Are you a Human-doing or a Human-being?

Which way would you like to be moving, as it's not where you stand that counts – but which way you are moving?

Are we focusing on the externals and neglecting that inner work or moving inside to love and care for ourselves?

A Moodscope member

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Sally Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 8:30am

Very apt blog ,Les, and thought provoking in a helpful way. Yes, you are right. I firmly believe that you won't find a soul mate until you find yourself! And seen evidence left, right and centre of this. I was one of the lucky ones. Bad breakdown at age 18, lots of "work", saw everyone around me pairing up, but then, my soulmate came along when I was good and ready. I have had years of working through depression and anxiety since aged 18, but nothing quite as fierce as that first bleak experience. And now, touch wood, rare are the bouts. Anxiety still, but controlled/ controllable. I love the way you encapsulate our human quest for happiness, what we think will make us happy ( been there!) and your conclusions. Thank you, Les, go well, and be happy.

Zareen Cave Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 8:46am

Thanks for this very open expression of your inward ongoing journey. I have found that learning to do mindful meditation is very helpful. I am using the Headspace package. You can have a free 10 session to try it out. I have found it very beneficial.

Anonymous Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 8:46am

This is interesting Les and I hope the Road Les(s) travelled is fruitful. I am 37, needy in relationships and the last one of 10 years (where both of us were needy and insecure - in ourselves not each other) had many of the negatives you mentioned above. Three years on and having not attempted to be involved elsewhere in order to better understand and be comfortable with myself I honestly couldn't say I was any further a long in this journey. More stuck in fact, which makes me wonder if I am going to (have to) be a lone forever. I am guessing there are peaks and troughs as with all things but, well, it is tricky at times. Counseling, self help books, meditation - there is the odd glimpse of hope. But then they are few and far between. Anyway, I think I was just after some tips (but do realise it is a journey and path one must find and travel a lone), I'd love to be able to answer who I am? I suppose knowing its not just me is a tip enough in itself and a realisation the journey is not necessarily a lone. Interesting. Thanks Les

Anonymous Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 9:43am

Congratulations Les, you have worked well in your quest for self acceptance and love. Can you go a little further? May I suggest, I have reached the ripe age of 61?..and am ready to meet my soul mate. Infinite patience has no boundaries.

Sharon Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 10:05am

A very interesting and well written blog, Les, thank you. And I also resonate with Anonymous's response above ^^. I am 35 and have been pretty much single for the last 13/14 years after my anxiety ended my first and only serious relationship...I have been trying to 'find myself' ever since and be happy with who I am, battling with anxiety, a form of OCD and depression along the way...I've tried numerous therapies, self help books, medication, mindfulness meditation...but I am not consistent with any of it. And I realised that this week after a trip to see (another) GP within my practice - this time one with a calming manner who was very understanding and I feel I can stick with. I'm not quite sure how to get to where I want to be, but I know that mindfulness and meditation work well for me, so I need to persevere and not get side-tracked by the people that I attract to me that mirror my own issues, because of course I am going to continue to attract needy, broken people all the time that I am myself. Thank you for this post, it's really helpful and timely for me.

Les Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 11:13pm

Hi Sally

Thanks for your input and kind comments....and glad the bouts are rare....and hopefully further diminishing.

Go well..............

Les Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 11:19pm

Hi Zareen

Thanks for that....and for sure mindfulness for many can really help as one of the key tools and great that you identify Headspace.

A very unhelpful comment on Suzy's blog the other day about mindfulness only being any good if built on meditation..!!

They are both equally good and TOTALLY dependent on the person's feelings and perceptions.

Anyone offering 'right or wrongs' as absolutes on this website is actually further enabling mental ill health!

So thank you for your more balanced and helpful comments which show what helped you.


Les Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 11:32pm

Hi Anon

I'm sure you will be further along on your own journey after three years more exploration, although it may not presently feel like it.

I know for me in my depressive bouts, I keep doing what I think will help to almost no effect, until something small seems to shift things and just like the opening of a door in a dark room - tons of light seems to start flooding in all of a sudden.

And for sure its tricky as you identify.

Seek to stop even thinking let alone verbalising or writing (as you have) about being a loner're feeding your subconscious with such 'stuff' and what we 'look for'....we usually find!

Think of buying a new car.....and as soon as you decide which start seeing it everywhere......even although your in the same place at 24 hrs ago!

Look for more hope.
Even start writing such 'sightings' you feed your mind in a positive way......maybe a nightly task just before going to give it the maximum opportunity when you are asleep.

Hopefully you don't have to travel 'alone'......either through friends and / or family that could support you or at least fellow writers on Moodscope.

On your peaks and troughs......again, write down what you do each day that takes you up the hills towards the peaks.......even give each 'thing' a score out of say 10 (intuitively as soon as you write it down) and then look to do more of these things.......maybe even share them with you are verbalising them as well............

GREAT last sentence where you are positively answering your own kinda questions......fab!

"Snowflakes are one of nature's most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together." Vista M. Kelly


Les Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 11:37pm

Hi Anon on.

Physician heal thyself..... :-)


Les Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 11:43pm

Hi Sharon

All sounds good to your self awareness of not sticking to the stuff that works for you in a consistent way, you say is your issue.

Real commitment to what you know works is THE key....whatever 'it' is.

It reminds me of the Goethe quote......

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness.
Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too... Whatever you can do.., begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.
Begin it now".

When you fully commit, life will reward you.


Anonymous Fri, Jul 31st 2015 @ 8:01am

Wow, thanks Les for the words of advice/wisdom. I will start today.


Julia Fri, Jul 31st 2015 @ 9:53am

Hi Les. What a wonderful comment/reply to Sam. It's helped me too. :-)

Eliz Wed, Aug 5th 2015 @ 9:16am

Fantastic Les. xx

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