Who am I?

Tuesday June 23, 2020

Well, I’m just a regular person, full of the ‘usual’ insecurities. Am I too fat, too ugly, too loud, too annoying, too quiet, too anything? I am all of them, I am bi-polar after-all and able to shift between states at an alarming rate of knots.

Do I like that I am bi-polar? Not sure.

Did it interrupt my life just as it was getting interesting? Yes.

Would I be happier if I wasn’t ‘afflicted’? Yes.

Did I have problems answering that last question? Yes.

Why? I hate the rawness and pain of being ill, however at the same time I appreciate the absolute awareness it affords you when well.

I overthink - a lot. When there is not much to take your mind off things, that is a dangerous habit to have. When I work, I think about how nice it would be to kick back and relax and not do anything; whilst when I have those sought-after days off I am consumed with thoughts about what is outstanding at work. Like an unwanted guest, work always creeps into the foreground of my thoughts. I worry if I have too much work on and get agitated if I have too little to do.

I did have a ‘break’ from office based work for a while – a bad relationship and stresses at work caused me to relapse and bolt home to live with my parents, to heal and build myself back up to something resembling human. Because that’s what bi-polar does to you, it makes you feel in-human, in-capable of functioning around others, questioning yourself, as well as others. It hollows you out and makes you ready for the next chapter of your life, in whatever form you wish to personify. Talk about re-invention. You always catch yourself thinking - maybe next time it will be different, maybe I’ll be able to stay well. Or, maybe like the other times, stress will accumulate, catch you unawares and you’ll crash [again].

After finding a home for myself and my dog, which I managed to live in for nigh on seven years - I find myself back living with my parents again. I moved in soon after the coronavirus pandemic took hold under the insistence of my brother. I don’t know who he thought needed supporting - myself due to previous bouts of illness, or my parents because they are getting on a bit now and I cook for them every evening. To summarise, we are co-dependant.

I know for certain, that if I were left to my own devices I would not last. I have gone from one extreme to another, living in flat shares with people, to living alone, and now living back with the ‘folks’. In my heart of hearts I know that I am lucky since I am safe and I am loved. Am I content? I guess. Am I well? Yes, thankfully. Do I wish I had another life? Sometimes but then who doesn’t daydream?

Stay Well, Stay Safe. 

A Moodscope member.

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