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Which 'one' inside us do we feed...friend or foe? Saturday April 26, 2014

'Anonymous' commented on Thursday when I was talking in my blog about ideally being our own 'best friend'. Anonymous said:

"We have both inside us and it's for us to ignore the evil side and try and concentrate on the good the side that wants to love and accept"

This made me think of another 'rich' American Indian story - a culture where still rests so much sustainable wisdom and education (EQ) - compared to today's predominately short term cleverness and 'schooling' (IQ).

Let's see where this sits with you and your ability to 'feed' the friend and 'fillet' the foe.

A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt.

He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."

The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart grandad?"

The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."

Back to the 'belief of my blog', we all have inside us the potential to become more self aware - for sure we will need help along the way - but it is our own job to 'inscape' - to go inside and 'find' our true self and not 'escape'.

For sure, as others commented, it is not easy, and workplaces may not help. We all have the crucial choice though - especially if we wish to leave a legacy (SQ) for our children or colleagues or friends.

What choice do you make - even at the cost of securing ongoing income?

Your behaviour and choices ARE the lessons you teach, to your children, colleagues or friends. Your actions not your words. May you have to sacrifice your own 'needs', to serve your children in a different values based way, while influencing your personal or professional community?

We all have the choice of which wolf we feed.

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." Carl Jung.

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Anonymous Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 8:05am

Brilliant, Les! I will endeavour to remember this one, as have recently been through, or witness to, some very challenging times and need all the wise words I can muster.
Thanks for another interesting and informative blog that really helps. :)

Lex McKee Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 8:41am

Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." Carl Jung
...hmmm, "The Sleeper Must Awaken!"

Richard Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 8:59am

Les, I like this. Thankyou.

DawnCRitchie Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 9:03am

That's the way I brought up my children Les, by sacrificing some of my own needs that weren't in their best interests. I'm a firm believer of teaching by example and as a result, I now have 3 well balanced, lovely young ladies.
I love the story above. Thanks for sharing again, I enjoy your posts.

Julia Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 9:34am

You should write more blogs on this theme Les as I need more, not exactly to convince myself that I hold the answers inside me but to force me by repetition that this is possible and the only way forward. I always latch onto aspects of blogs which reflect a negative side to me and today it's the love and compassionate wolf. I feel that I have loved too much and been too compassionate in my life and people have taken advantage of me. Weak and insecure people I know now but I needed to know what boundaries were acceptable at the time and stick to them with conviction. If society really truly valued love and compassion, then I would have thrived instead of just survived. Am better now and sorry if I have strayed off course on your lovely second blog today:)

DawnC.Ritchie Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 9:47am

I think a blog about setting boundaries would be of great benefit to me too Julia. Is anybody gifted in this area? I can resonate with your comment about weak and insecure people taking advantage, but I am made stronger through experiencing this and the way forward looks brighter x

Les Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 9:59am

Trying to catch you as soon as I can after you wrote the above......while it is still 'moving' inside you....
My intuition - is that the one person you did NOT 'love too much' was yourself.
People did not take advantage of you - you allowed them to!
Probably by seeking 'outside' were effectively 'escaping'......what you needed was always inside simply needed help to see or more importantly 'feel' that........
While you talk about 'weak and insecure' people - take this compassionately now - what we say about others is usually a reflection of what troubles us about ourselves :-()
Take out the word 'society' in your last sentence and replace it with 'I' does that 'feel'?
My guess is that you are 'loving' yourself more and thus do not need or even 'seek' external validation as much ARE loving yourself more by going in - inscaping.
Only when we are balanced within ourselves will we ever have the right 'vibration' to attract the partner we truly want.
We know the phrase - 'when the student is ready, the teacher appears'
Well - 'when the partner is ready, the lover appears'

How could you possibly 'stray off course'...when you are speaking from your heart - impossible ;-)

Les Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 10:18am

What you said in your first comment is powerful.
When we are strong enough or caring enough - balanced inside - we sacrifice self for others and that start to build that legacy we all wish to leave.
We love our children enough to do that - this is the most pure emotion, as we are seeking little back from them - also as they love us unconditionally.
When we seek that 'love' from others to make us feel good.....we kinda lose the 'coherence' the more we do that - the more WE are needy - we want something back for our giving.
The continuum from selfish to selfless - is the journey - and to move that way we need to feel safe!
No safety = self protection - selfish.

Now, since we can only truly have safety from within - that is where the work has to be done FIRST.

No safety within = seeking it externally and thus 'escaping'.....and yet if children are not taught this by 'feeling' it within their family...they WILL seek it elsewhere....and so (in my mind of course) we have the society we have - externally - escapingly - materialistically - short term - unsustainably 'drugged' by quick fixes all we grow older.......often from people who are also 'needy........they seek it is us - we seek it in them = co-dependent unsustainable relationship.

Jung quote again.....'Those who look outside dream. Those who look inside awaken''.

Only you know your own unique boundaries - there is no IQ process for this - only an EQ inside exploration with compassionate caring friends - as each of us is unique.

Which is why we need 'education' (leading out of) and not 'schooling' (putting into).

Find your 'feelings facilitator' who will help you lead out what is already 'in'......and all will be well.

Know and control self - BEFORE leading and enabling others - especially our children.

DawnC.Ritchie Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 10:41am

What a brilliant description of love. You explained it perfectly Les. I recently thought I had 'cracked it' and had learned how to give love unconditionally with a female friend of mine, my cupcake friend (from an earlier post).
We are still exchanging lovely texts, but more like once a week. I have been wanting to meet up for months, but she is sooooooo very busy with her teenage daughters taking up most of her time, so I got a bit sad a month or so ago about not being able to meet with her to 'get my fix'. I was also dissapointed that I hadn't really managed to 'crack it' and give unconditional love and was actually wanting something from her, (her time). I have now done what I always do and drawn back a bit from her to protect myself.
Relationships are very complicated aren't they?!
Thanks Les :D

Julia Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 11:00am

You are right Les and as I was writing, I knew it was me that was insecure and weak but I was trying to say that I lacked the skills to act on this at the time for all sorts of reasons. I assumed that my only gifts or strong points were love and compassion and they got me into a pickle. These were the "easiest" to give, not requiring much energy or strength, although I was sapped of energy and strength afterwards. So to gain strength, yes I did seek outside highs, alcohol mainly and escaped. It's all so obvious now and if I had my time again... (Mind you I did have some good times too along the way :) But my overall message in my comments is to thank you for your explanations because even though I am in a better place now, I still need to be pointed in the right direction..

Julia Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 11:06am

Hello Dawn. Yes a setting boundaries blog would be very helpful for me too. I found your comments and Les' reply very relevant to my situation .It's good to know we both have balanced children though. My two have surprised me in so many ways. I am sorry about your cupcake friend. xx

heather Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 11:10am

Yes, relationships are very complicated and "no man is an island".

Les Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 11:16am


Your last line in your first comment shows there is still some work to be done....
....."Am better now and sorry if I have strayed off course on your lovely second blog today:)"
If you were 'stronger' would know there was no need to apologise....that was you wee need to kinda 'cover' yourself, if I had felt that you had strayed.......and for sure it was nice of you to consider that possibility............but what are you feeling right now as you read this.......that will 'inform' you of you :-)

Love and compassion are your strong points - for yourself.
Until you are balanced - then offer it out from a position of stability and clarity about what you stand for - like a lighthouse - find that solid ground to shine your light and then people will want to join you to continue that light which 'warns' others....that you will offer authentic feedback to anyone who 'wants' from you....?

Ahhhhh.....that hindsight.....and those 'naughty' unsustainable 'highs'....... :-()

Les Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 11:33am


Who is responsible for what you wrote above earlier....?
"You should write more blogs on this theme Les as I need more, not exactly to convince myself that I hold the answers inside me but to force me by repetition that this is possible and the only way forward."
Who needs to force who....?
That's an inside job dare I say...........if you have enough desire (want to) you WILL force yourself to carry out that repetition - for yourself
To ask someone else to do it for you is to 'look outside'.......although a close friend / partner could offer continual reinforcement

It's tough stuff this self awareness and inscaping...........we all have so many almost automatic 'escaping' habits :-)

You have already done it for your children - you loved them enough.

Can you take on the responsibility to love yourself enough to 'want to' and simply do it and not feel you have to 'force it'........

And on Heather's it relationships or people that are complicated.....? (Chicken & egg..??)

Adrian Longstaffe Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 11:59am

Great post Les – I love this story. And… sometimes it's a good idea to have a conversation with the 'bad' Wolf – preferably with some support. These dark bits of ourselves have probably been successful strategies at some point – it's just that what they want is probably not doable (my angry 2-year-old wants to nuke the world) but what they need – beyond the darkness – is often doable (what he actually needs is to be held with firm love) – to give a compassionate ear to the needs behind the wants of these so-called negative aspects can not only be healing in itself but is also developing an aspect of yourself which is capable of standing back and having these compassionate conversations. Hope this helps.

Les Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 12:58pm


Cool.........can I also offer standing 'in' after stepping back.....:-)

Step out of the external emotion and then 'inscape' stepping into your own emotional awareness and then learning.

"The first steps have long been acknowledged to be very painful. We often want self understanding, but not until we feel strong enough to take the insight. Like an awkward teenager on a first date we can find ourselves attempting all kinds of surface manipulations in order to make an introduction to the stranger inside." David Whyte - 'Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship'

Julia Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 1:47pm

Les. Yes it is very tough stuff this inscaping and self awareness. A massive subject too as there are so many external influences which have to, at the very least be acknowledged in order to live compatibly with others. There must be a comfortable balance lurking somewhere inside of me.

Les Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 2:06pm


Last sentence is an important one in your comment.

I offer.......

The old IQ philosophy........'I'll believe it when I see it.' (doubting)
The new EQ philosophy.......'I'll see it when I believe it.' (self control)

We create our own worlds - which takes up back to the first Indian story on Thursday - 'put it inside them'.

It is always there.....'lurking somewhere inside'...........and no one else can do the work - just you. ;-)

"Despite in initial hopes of perfection, what one partner wants will not occur; what the other partner wants will not occur. Both are left with the actual marriage, a radically new conversation that is built on the razed foundation of their former identities." David Whyte - The Three Marriages

Julia Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 3:57pm

Interesting quote by David Whyte

Anonymous Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 5:07pm

There is no such thing as evil or good, we are the ones who decided which is which or that they exist at all. We have to accept both the positive and negative or we disown part of ourselves. What I might see as an unpleasant or not useful trait in myself might be admired by others and or a big plus in a business setting. Got to keep the whole package and work with it!

heather Sat, Apr 26th 2014 @ 8:28pm

I guess two uncomplicated people would have an uncomplicated relationship, but I personally have yet to meet one - certainly not me !
I am not particularly religious but I like the saying "God did not say it would be easy, but he did promise it would be worth it".

heather Sun, Apr 27th 2014 @ 6:48am

I like this view point

Anonymous Sun, Apr 27th 2014 @ 9:25am

positive/negative or good and evil are the same just different words at the end of the day and how you define those words

i love powerful words as each can bring up such alot of different emotions in us all

its like i dont like the word God because whenever anyone mentions it to me i instantly think of my younger days when i was made to be a catholic and how the all seeing God could see everything and had the power to punish me obviously being a catholic as long as i went to confession and confessed my sins they were forgiven

that i couldnt get my head round

now i do believe in the afterlife that our spirits leave these mortal bodies and move either back to the divine or heaven or choose to come back

btw les i am glad what i wrote on the other blog helped you to remember the subject for this one :)

Les Sun, Apr 27th 2014 @ 10:27am

Hi Anonymous

Aye - look what your input created - all these thoughts and comments..!!

If we feel safe to openly and authentically share - we create a future with a far greater potential.

We don't even have to agree - simply seek an improved outcome - through synergistic exchanges.

heather Sun, Apr 27th 2014 @ 3:49pm

Wow, Les, you have put a lot of work in here to help everyone. Big Thanks.

heather Mon, Apr 28th 2014 @ 10:40am

Just read this through again before deleting and I am going to save it for future reading. It's brilliant

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