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Where will it all end? Thursday August 24, 2017

Or will it?

I am sure many will recognise this endless thought.

Should I go to work today? Or will I stay home, doors locked, curtains drawn, bedcovers safely pulled over my head. Safe and warm. Sleeping.

Will I eat today or stick to the endless mugs of coffee?

Will I answer the phone or stand staring at it as I often do. Waiting, hands wringing praying for it to stop.

This morning whilst putting out the washing (that has been washed three times as I couldn't find the energy to pull it out of the machine), I was distracted by a tiny bird fluttering back and forth, my eyes followed it as it swooped, chirping happily in the sunshine, its only aim to eat and provide for its young: and live.

Beautiful little yellow bird with no thoughts of flying into a wall as I sometimes do whilst driving along, sometimes a bit too fast, sometimes closing my eyes just for a second as if daring something to happen. Never sure what.

No thoughts of lying down in a safe nest of soft covers and closing its small eyes hoping for the sleep that never ends.

The darkness at the top of the garden in the dense woodland looks both a bit scary in the shadows and also very inviting, the small stone steps beckoning me up.

I hear the wind sweep gently through the tall ferns as I take the first step.

I know what will happen if I reach the top.

I will not come back down.

I have planned this moment, though was just never sure when it would come. I had prepared the means (hidden in my secret place under the Hydrangea bush right at the top) to pass into the world of the endless sleep.

Is this where it will all end?

I can hear the phone ringing and feel the warmth of the sun on my back.

I take another step and listen to the happy sounds of children playing somewhere in a sunny green garden.

The pretty bird still swishes back and for, yellow as the golden flowers beneath her.

Shall I take the next step which would take me out of the sunshine into the shadows or should I try once more to find the point of it all?

My cat curling around my ankles looks up at me, eyes locked unspoken words.

I turn then and cannot see through my tears as I walk back into the brightness.

Where will it all end?

Or will it?

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Clara Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 6:17am

Thank you for writing this and your writing is beautiful. I've never commented before in mood-scope, but I have this day so often - there's even a little yellow bird in my garden. Lightness and dark. I don't know if it helps, but you are not alone and I know it's impossibly hard sometimes. But who we are now doesn't have to define us for the future. I care and I hope you can find a way through this to a place without the constant whisper of ends (but keeping the cat and the bird!).

Audrey Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 9:43am

Clara, you are very wise and kind. Thank you.

Clara Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 4:22pm

You're the wise one! We'll both get through this.

Sally Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 6:50am

Life does test us and sometimes it's very hard to keep going. I think birds and other creatures have a lot to teach us about how to Iive and view the world. Cling on to the vision of that little yellow bird, Audrey, and thank you for writing this moving blog. Your desperation is palpable, as is your desire to find meaning in life. Let it be, and seek pleasure in the here and now, the birds and the everyday . It does get better. Thank you for writing about how you feel. Virtual hugs.

Audrey Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 9:44am

Thank you Sally I will keep the little yellow bird in my heart and fly with her.

Adam G Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 8:05am

Audrey, the yellow bird, the sunshine and your cat are the point of it all ... as are you yourself. In our short lives there are moments of joy and moments of hardship. We must enjoy and share the former, and try to minimise the latter. It is not your fault or mine that we struggle with depression - it is a physiological condition; but there are some tools we can use to fight it. I hope your moments of joy increase and your difficult times diminish. When you feel that breathtaking hopelessness, search out something ... anything ... that you find joyful: music, comedy, a book, a friend - and let them pull you back from the darkness.

Tychi's Mum Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 8:50am

I love this reply Adam. I too hope that you are able to find moments of joy and that those moments become two, three, four moments... Sending you love and hope xxx

Audrey Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 9:42am

Thank you Adam G. I will promise to stay on the right side of the darkness. Life is a path where the way is not always clear, but with kind words such as yours the darkness shifts and a little light comes through to help.

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 11:58am

A really great reply, Adam G - so thoughtful x

Lou Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 4:57pm

These are such helpful words Adam, thank you.

A Lost Boy Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 8:17am

I absolutely loved reading this. The feeling is perhaps more common than I thought it was. But, you do describe the struggle between hope, despondency and the confusion between them very well.

Audrey Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 9:40am

Thank you for your kind words. I think as you say these feelings are very common but I hope we can all get through and see the beauty outside of the dark cloud.

Tychi's Mum Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 8:48am

Audrey, I was truly amazed by your blog.
It really resonated with me. I've just come through three weeks of feeling desperately low and wondering, where will it end?
A few days ago I felt well enough to sit out in my garden and drink a cup of tea still wearing my PJs at 3pm. Before that, I'd been bed bound for 2 and a half weeks.
It was a sunny day (which I usually hate when I'm low because it makes me feel that I should be out enjoying the weather).
I sat for 10 minutes and watched the birds, bees and even dragonflies (not a usual occurence in our garden).
Those 10 minutes made me realise "I can get through this" and I stepped back into my house with tears streaming down my face but with a tiny bit of hope.

Audrey Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 9:38am

Thank you for your lovely reply. Keep watching the birds and bees and everything else in your garden as the seasons change I hope you will find peace and get through just one little step at a time (and lots of tea!)

Jul Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 9:49am

Hello Tychi's Mum. Was there anything specific making you feel so low? I know it's often difficult to pinpoint anything. There's an elderly man in our village in France where I am now who is a depressive but more so in the summer. He sometimes doesn't appear out of his house for two weeks despite the farmers shouting up to his window asking him to help with the cows. I left him a note last time we were here to ask if he would help cut down a tree and he put on his best clothes and ddi appear and said he'd do it in October when the leavs had fallen. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. i think it's because I can't really say much else except I am sending you lots of love and also sometimes two weeks away from it all is all you need to start to feel better. Slowly. Love Jul xx

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 12:00pm

Tychi's proud you made it to the garden: small steps lead to bigger ones and more hope- Bear hugs to you x

Jul Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 12:05pm

Hello Bear. I do like your replies. I always want to write "Yes! yes!I agree Bear".I saw you mentioned my name a few blogs back. That would never go unnoticed. I was very pleased. Jul xx

Tychi's Mum Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 11:53pm

Thank you everyone for your replies and kind thoughts. They are so appreciated. Jul, after 5 years of depression on and off, I have recently been diagnosed as bi-polar. I have a period of 2-4 weeks of severe low and then 10 days of highish and then if I'm lucky, a few weeks of feeling "normal". There are no brain is doing what it wants when it wants! I have been sure that I was bi-polar for a couple of years but the NHS Mental Health Team insisted I had recurrent depression and not bi-polar. In desperation I made an appointment with a private psychiatrist. He diagnosed late onset menopausal bi-polar. (I'm 44) The medication the NHS have prescribed has made my condition worse so I am currently, slowly swapping meds as advised by the private psychiatrist. Fingers crossed, things will improve... onwards and upwards, but not too far up!

Jul Fri, Aug 25th 2017 @ 9:13am

Thank you for replying TM and for explaining how you feel. I understand. Love Jul xx

Orangeblossom Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 9:57am

Hi Audrey, thanks for your very moving blog and opening up to us through it. I hope that by writing about it, you feel somewhat relieved. It did remind me of a friend who is in a dark place at the moment. I also think that I may recommend Moodscope to her. Love & hugs!

Jul Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 10:01am

Hello Audrey. Please carry on and continue to write blogs and contribute to Moodscope. We need you!! It's like that well known WW2 poster with the army man in black and white telling the men the war effort needs them. And maybe the women for the factories. That's what comes to mind. You write so well about a very difficult subject. Jul xx

Angela Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 11:42am

I can feel the pain. Emotional pain is devastating and so hard to explain to anyone. Thank you for this beautiful piece x Gentle hugs to all x

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 12:06pm

Dear Audrey....many of us will feel the pain you write about so beautifully.
So glad you made the choice to carry on with life and then to write so movingly about it.
Many cannot continue with this life which is so demanding of us at times - my heart goes out to all who feel this same pain.
Big Bear hugs to all

Lexi Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 12:52pm

Dear Audrey, as many have said, you are not alone. Keep finding and holding on to those things that pull you back from the darkness. The little things mean so much. I can't remember who wrote last week about the beautiful conversation with the taxi driver, but it's small, unforced moments like that which keep us going. Mary Wednesday's words from yesterday are brought to mind too-finding the unexpected beauty in all things. I hope you feel the warmth of the sun on your face today. Xo Lexi

Nicco Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 12:54pm

Dear Audrey - Thank you for your very moving and beautifully written blog. Yes, I too have been there many times- between the light and the dark - one urging me on, one pulling me back. I do find solace in nature, and the following words by M. Aumonier from her book, 'Gardens in Sun & Shade' have brought me just enough hope to turn back into the light, rather than go forwards into the darkness. I hope and pray they will do the same for you...

Take all the sorrows of your sorrowing heart
And fold them in the flowers that God has given.
Within the scented silence rest apart,
And in the garden thou shalt find a heaven.

Take all the tears of yesterday's despair
And all the tragedy of tearless pain,
For Peace, more kind than Love, are waiting there
To woo thy suffering soul to Hope again.

Take all the memories of shadowed hours
And lose them in the fragrant garden ways,
Glad harmonies of birds and bees and flowers
Will change thy sighing into hymns of praise.

Nicco x

Tychi's Mum Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 11:57pm

This poem is beautiful and I've printed it off so that I can refer back to it in my times of darkness. Thank you for sharing Nicco.

Valerie Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 1:20pm

You wrote another blog,full of grace and generosity of spirit.Again today, I feel you would be a lovely person to know and be friends with.Like others who have commented,I am currently struggling with feeling bad about myself,filled with a grey melancholy that I can't justify.It will pass,and I hope that things have become easier for you since you wrote.
I wonder,do you write? There is an elegance of phrase combined with wry stoicism that reaches out to the reader.At least,please keep writing for Moodscope.Your words can heal xxx

Audrey Fri, Aug 25th 2017 @ 8:48am

Hi Valerie, I am feeling more positive and have peaceful thoughts which I would like to share with you. I hope you can get through this grey patch, I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my face and imagined it was a lovely hug from my mother who is in Heaven. It was a moment of intense clarity. I wish this for you too. I am writing a book slowly!, although I work at a Hospital. Thank you Valerie for your lovely words, I feel you would also be a lovely person to be friends with. Have a happy weekend.

The Gardener Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 2:41pm

Audrey, I feel for you so much, been to the depths and back again, quietly and tactfully 'rescued' by kind friends, our chemist even offering to stay the night. Now, it's 'I will live' and Obama's (irrelevant I know) 'yes we can'. Mr G starts the evening by being tired, wanting his bed then acting like a naughty child. I try to watch TV in the dressing room - he yells all the time for me to stop. Then the night - about the 5th disturbance he said his bed was wet, it was not. That was about 5 a.m - which, as anybody knows, is when even the mildest worry becomes earth-shattering. As Mr G gets worse so does our financial situation, as I watch the pound in seemingly terminal decline. But this morning I went on the attack - house and garden, paper-work. I found a list of about 5 things to join - help with choir at Respite, practice for church music, a new 'Seniors' gym starting, try again to get a writing club going. And, like Audrey's yellow bird, watch the Peacock butterflies on mint which has gone to seed, and my morning glory flowers which are fabulous, every tint fro deep violet to palest rose. Please join me heading for that light at the end of the tunnel - and keep thinking of all the people who wish your well. Your remark about the washing machine rings bells - I have the most beautiful kitchen, I love it - yet struggle to find the energy to keep it nice. Go well xxx

Becky Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 2:45pm

Audrey, this is so beautifully written and so resonates with how things have been for me in the past. To keep turning from this decision takes enormous energy and courage because it's never finished. I always say to myself and others that all the time we're alive we can choose to die, but once we're dead we can't choose to live again. So the not deciding can get to be relentless. But keep travelling because I hope that, like me, you will find yourself in a place where that climb doesn't compel you anymore because life itself is much more compelling.

Lou Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 4:58pm

Audrey, thank you so much for your blog, wonderfully written and very resonant.

Ach UK Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 5:12pm

Hello Audrey, your so honest words struck a chord with me.
I can't really explain but I do have an idea of how you feel; I've been there many times. so many lovely replies from other people please take heart from us all.
thank you for the honesty in your blog
Ps: A blackbird appearing at the edge of my vision when I was in a bad place, made my brain pause and notice the beauty and frailty of it and that was the spark that started me moving again towards wellness.

Molly Thu, Aug 24th 2017 @ 6:56pm

A truly beautiful blog Audrey. A reminder of how nature and animals and birds can brighten up our day. It took me a long time before I could see this. I used to just 'survive' then wisdom, over the years, made me look a bit further. I now see things I never used to see.

I can totally relate to you, especially the phone scenerio, "please stop ringing" as it feels like an intrusion. But then if it doesn't ring, I think nobody cares! Oh dear! Thank you Audrey, you were able to be realistic about life with special moments thrown in. Molly xx

Lacey Fri, Aug 25th 2017 @ 5:08pm

Hi Audrey
I am glad at long last you have diagnosis and help from the private sector.
The same happened for me-dismissed as having depression and fed drugs accordingy which did nothing for my BP illness
My private guy in London listened to my story and knew straightaway it was BP. After havinh it for 28 years......;-(
By this time I was pretty bad-drugs pescribed incorrectly lus I came off tem when I felt better. Revolving door scenario......
Now I know what to do and when as I know myself so well.
But I nearly lost my relationship with my very good man, it took me running away for 6 months for him to actually research online the reasons I acted as I did. He still finds it very hard to deal with but it was a very bleak time for us both.
We don't talk about it; it's in the past. We married last August after being together for twelve years but it did'nt really happen.
We both worked on our shared"problem" ( me ha ha!)and have come through stronger and wiser for it.
But it could have all been very different and not the happy ever after we now have.
Tenacity is nede for us special BP folk; we will win and every time with birds,cats and loved ones
The feelings and thought we have are only there because our brains have had enough and so we shut down. Brain says NO!!
How I feel when bad does'nt frighten me anymore. WE must wait til the good days come,it is just a matter of time ;-)
Have a lovely weekend; it's going to be a sunny,warm one
Take care
Lacey x

Audrey Tue, Aug 29th 2017 @ 9:01am

Hi Lacey, thank you for your reply. Kind words. However I think you may have misunderstood. I have not been nor do I consider myself to be bi-polar.I have never sought help from the private sector, working in a Hospital I can see clearly how it all works. I am an observer of life and its many paths and feelings and feel I can put my thoughts into words. I wish you all the very best and lots of good health.

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