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Where am I now? Friday December 11, 2015

Like my namesake "Alice in Wonderland", I suddenly find myself in a strange place. I feel disconcerted. I am not sure what to do or alternatively what I am waiting for. There is a definite feel of waiting for destiny to land. This is not comfortable.

I have sat and waited a while, and the coast seems clear. I can put my head up above the parapet again and hope it will not be shot off. But would that be bad? Of course it would. I shake myself up. Where am I? Does it matter? Yes it does, I need to know where I am.

And of course I am where I was a minute ago, it's just that I drifted off for a while and lost 'consciousness' and so lost myself. I have worked hard to find my consciousness, to be in touch with my inner self and life beyond or in myself. I can't lose myself now.

It's a hard battle to fight against the voice - telling me how rubbish I am - and reality... which is what? Stop listening! It is a hard walk and a very hard journey. One I so need to make and so often feel that I am doing well on. Till the silliest things bring me down. And that's where I am.

Audit: Body, ok (little bowel dysfunction)
Head, light or missing
Emotions, through the roof

Once I get back in touch with myself I have a chance of regaining control. Breath in, breath out, keep breathing. Keep moving. Don't listen to that inner voice. Listen to life!

Soooo very hard. I will return to normality. It is a passing depressant, so hard, why does she visit me? I chose this journey and I would recommend it to anyone...

I wrote this a while back, when I was clearly very anxious, and it have just found it. And I don't understand it, that I could say "I chose this journey and would recommend it to anyone". I have no idea what I meant... it seems a very strange comment. I can only think that I was thinking about my journey out of depression, not choosing depression itself. Because the learning from coming out of depression has reframed my whole life. But what if... depression itself became something to glory, not in being depressed, but in learning from the depression. What if, really positive here, the depression has made me a better person? I don't think that is really so crazy. What do you think?

A Moodscope Member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Barbara Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 6:01am

So ... Might a TOTAL reframe be possible? Can depression be seen as a GOOD thing?

Adam Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 6:53am

I understand exactly what you're saying Alice. I think there is a positive from depression: not only in the strength and courage it takes to live with and, hopefully, overcome it; but, for me at least, I think it has taught me humility. I am not the person without failings or weaknesses that I once arrogantly thought I was!

Nick Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 7:01am

I also, don't think that is really so crazy! xx

danielle Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 8:04am

I think human nature is so that when we are in a situation which is unavoidable or long term (as many depressive states are) we try to look for as many positives as possible. The silver linings. I dont think this is a bad thing. I think there can be silver linings to depression, for me, I really appreciate the good days, I appreciate all I have as thinking of this helps on bad days, I hope I am more open to diversity accepting people for what ever they are, I hope I am more compassionate towards others who are struggling etc. so Alice I do not think it is really so crazy at all, I think we have to make the most of life and if we can try and think of the positives then that can only be a good thing surely xx

s Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 8:11am

I understood the journey to be you connecting with yourself, this is no bad thing at all (I wish I could remain conscious, I was in a foul mood yesterday, but no idea why). If it has been depression that has allowed yourself to take the journey so be it, you did not choose depression. So to echo above, not crazy. I liked this blog a lot, one to keep, thanks :)

LillyPet Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 8:14am

Morning Alice!
I've heard alot of people who have suffered adversity to say that they have gai ed so much from the experience, that they wouldn't change it.
I guess I wouldn't have made a concious choice to have Anxiety and depression in the first place, but It has been a big part of who I am, sensitive to feelings, emotions, atmospheres, intentions, positivity and negagativity.
I wouldnt want to be anyone other than who I am, although I do sometimes think about how lucky others are who can enjoy things like hosting a dinner party, a party or gathering of any kind. I don't "entertain" that line of thinking for very long, prefering to see it as trivial and unneessary if I dont enjoy it, but am happy for those that do!
All in all, Alice visiting Wonderland taught her alot, but she was glad to have found her way out and would be happy to live without any mad hatters tea parties or power hungry queens yelling off with her head!
Thank you for such a thought provoking and inspiring blog Alice. When I realise I'm getting lost I'll choose to head for the way back out into the sunlight! LP xxx

Norman Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:09am

"happy to live without any mad hatters tea parties or power hungry queens yelling off with her head!" Ah! So you've met my Management Committee then?

Alice Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:33am


Alice Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:33am


LillyPet Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 11:35pm

Lol! Norman maybe they are the same lot as mine! :)

Sally Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 8:24am

Depression has certainly developed the compassionate side of who I am, in that I hope I would never trivialise other people's mental health issues. Also, a lifelong interest has emerged in understanding how we all tick, and why people do what they do,or are who they are. It has given life a deeper meaning so although painful and undesirable, depression has its long term benefits I believe.
Thank you, Alice, for the way you expressed it in your blog ,which was very interesting. Best of everything to you.

Hopeful One Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 8:37am

Hi Alice- a perceptive blog. I believe we have a choice of making a positive out of everything that happens to us in our lives,including depression. Depression will undoubtedly change one ,not necessarily make one a better person but certainly a different one to what one was before its arrival.

When I feel like you did I remind myself of what A A Milne's asked of Christopher Robin.

" Promise me this that you will remember that you are braver than you believe,stronger than you seem and smarter than you think"

I will sign of in my customary way for I believe in laughter as the most consistent antidote for depression..

Two hydrogen atoms are at a party and bump into each other. The first one says, "Hey, grab that electron, it's mine!" "How do you know?" asks the second . " because I am positive " says the other.

See? Even a hydrogen atom can find something positive in its situation.

Alice Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:36am

I love that AA Milne quote. Thank you HO.

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 7:47pm

Wholeheartedly agree and lolling at the joke :) thanks HO, Bear x

Mrs Jul A Non Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 9:12am

I just love this blog Alice. I was mesmerised by the prose. I know what you mean; it's as if sometimes I am in a state of suspense waiting for ..what? I don't know. I am convinced being depressed has made me a better person. My world is richer. I have sought solutions and while doing that discovered Moodscope with all the wealth of advice and true friendships found there. I have learnt about myself, still learning. I see the world in a different light. I read deeply into things. It may be exhausting but I wouldn't have it any other way when I reflect and think about it in the way you have described. It's almost magical even though some , most mornings are hell and some days I drag all day. Overall looking at my life as a long path to discovery about myself and how others react and click or disconnect with each other and me, why would I want it any other way? And then I ask myself what is the alternative, the other way and I can't think of anything which would improve it. More deep sleep obviously but I honestly believe that if that miracle happened the same old me would resurface eventually. Perhaps I am waiting in suspense for me to change into an idealised person in my mind but that will never happen.Thank you Alice for such a wonderful blog. I am going to read it again now.

Alice Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:38am

Oh Jul, you resonate my thoughts exactly! Thank you for sharing this xx

Mary Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 9:46am

None of us can control life; our only choice is how we respond to life. Choosing to see the positives in depression is the sane and mature choice. Lovely (and very beautiful) blog Alice. Thank you.

Alice Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 1:45pm

Kind words Mary, treasured coming from one who regularly writes so well.

Leah Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:06am

What a thought provoking and poetic blog. You have a real way with words, a delight and a challenge to read. Thanks

Norman Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:23am

Alice, I once told a counsellor that the effect of depression on life and career was like driving a car with the handbrake on. I don't think it is the depression that makes a better person but it is almost the flip-side of the people we are. We care. Too much. About work, relationships, the future of the human race. Then when we get care overload we ignore the alarm clock and put the covers over our head. I see differences between similar things and similarities between different things, that other people just don't get. If the downside of this is depression then it may actually be a price worth paying.

Alice Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:31am

Thank you all for your comments and for sharing my understanding. And of course - for being there! How lucky we are to have this wonderful community to share our innermost thoughts, concerns and cares with.

From where I am now, I would not be without my struggles, as through them I have grown as a person. Not to easy to say when I am down but I keep hoping that through the battle to understand myself and to find a better way to live my life I will not only become more compassionate to others but able to help others. Writing a blog gives me the opportunity to indulge myself in talking about myself and learning about myself but it is also intended to open more windows to let in light and understanding. The more we share and empathise the greater the chance of that light falling on someone who needs it at a particular time.

To anyone struggling on their own with their deepest darkest thoughts take heed from the shared wisdom of the good people of this community, everything has a purpose and maybe we all need to suffer to be the unique and whole person we are intended to be.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Alice xx

Lou Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:51am

Oh, Alice! You are absolutely NOT crazy! I loathe the depression that is a constant companion, sometimes louder than others and sometimes almost absent, but never quote gone. But...without him I would have missed to much and might not have gone off down some of the (positive!) paths I have or have got so *much* from them.

I often wonder if I would be the me I am now without this Dark Passenger...?!


the room above the garage Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 11:58am

Hello Alice, writing regularly is great as it lets us see the tracking our score on the cards. When I'm struggling with depression I could happily see it fired from a cannon. When I'm tolerating depression I am proud of what it's brought out in me. If I had to choose, it would be a close battle but I reckon I'd keep it...without it I wouldn't be able to teach my children how to survive should that battle come to their door. It's a little like trying to hold honey. Talking of which...HO...I needed a mascara warning!!! Just beautiful. And I loved the joke too. Love ratg xx.

Alice Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 1:42pm

I would have said for your children "Let's hope that battle doesn't come to their door" but now I'm not so sure. Let's hope instead they grow without having to have the battle, having learned from their strong mother. Another twist to consider..............

Lexi Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 12:32pm

Wonderful imagery Alice. Your post today reminded me of a Joseph Campbell quote "It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure."

I believe the journey to know myself and learn to love and accept myself is the only true journey I could have taken in this life and it has made me - all of us - beautiful spiritual warriors.

Alice Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 1:38pm

Beautiful xx

Debs Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 4:57pm

Thank you Alice. I am in a very dark place at the moment - the worst I've been all year. The voice of depression is screaming at me - 'I'm a failure, I've let my family down, I made the wrong choices, my son will hate me, he will want to go and live with his dad and I can't blame him, I'm useless, I'm a burden, I'm not surprised my friends don't call, I don't want to go on'. And I really don't want to carry on, not with this pain.

I'm not saying this for any reason than to let you know I so appreciate your words. They describe where I am. I can't imagine feeling better but I will keep reading your words to try and recapture some hope. With love to anyone else in this place, I'm with you xxx

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 7:46pm

Oh sweetness, I'm hurting because you are hurting and knowing you are so low. Please know we are thinking about you and we will wait to hear from you again, Debs. I only hope that knowing you are thought of by us all, will start to help you up and out of the pit you find yourself lying in. Your liddle boy won't hate aren't doing anything to hurt him, you are just poorly. This isn't the life you have chosen, but you are doing all you can and that step forward started with your lovely response to Alice. Keep caring about you and give yourself a Bear hug and time to heal. With love, Bear x x x x

the room above the garage Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 9:49pm

I'm sorry to read it Debs. I agree with Bear. The reason your son won't hate you is because of the fact that you are still trying to make a difference...your last sentence was to others, still thinking of others. In the same way you will still think of your son despite being unwell. We do not see things accurately when we are in this place. Can you see why you might have ended up here? Is there a reason? Or did it just arrive? Here to hear... Love ratg x.

susan Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 9:52pm

Oh Debs, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. All those things you're telling yourself? They're not true! They have nothing to do with the true reality even though the queasiness in your gut seems to validate them. It's a rotton time of the year to feel so blue but understandable given so much external and internal pressure and high expectations. You WILL feel better again. And by the way, I'd be willing to bet that you are a spectacular mother, the best. Take care, sweetie. Xx

LillyPet Sat, Dec 12th 2015 @ 12:02am

Debs, like the others I'm here for you too. You're one of us and we're all holding hands :) It's good that you have the awareness to see the depression as separate from you and the negative thoughts it is producing. Was it Les who said recently, awareness, acceptance action? I'm not sure whether or how it may help you, I just know that you're already on the first rung! Try not to be frightened by "what ifs" hun. Our brains do a survival thing that isnt always helpful. Sending you love light and some rest of mind. LP xxx

Leah Sat, Dec 12th 2015 @ 1:13am

Debs, I feel your pain and echo the lovely words other have written. I, like many others, have been in a very dark place, so my heart aches for you. You are a caring person now is the time to care for yourself. Sending hugs across the

Debs Sat, Dec 12th 2015 @ 7:54am

Oh girls, thank you... Your words mean the world. Like many of us mornings are the worst for me - my stomach is churning and the desire to stay in bed is overwhelming. But there is a day to face. And I will walk through it. Thank you again, you are all angels xxxx

Kristen Sat, Dec 12th 2015 @ 4:39pm

I wanted to let you know, Debs, that sharing where you are has helped me so much on this day (this week, month...) when I am sharing with you that terrible screaming voice that yells in my head the very same words! It feels so real, so loud and nasty, but it is NOT true! And I know that somehow I have been able to quiet it before and survived and even find peace and love and some degree of self-compassion. I do believe that I would not have this huge heart capable of such love,sensitivity and compassion for others who suffer if I had not also known such pain. Sometimes I can close my eyes in meditation and allow myself to feel it without pushing it away, to envision all the many others who feel it too, to put my hand on my heart with gentle kindness, imagining a sweet maternal figure (or some very loving presence) holding me in warm light, breathing deeply and wishing loving-kindness to us all. This is only the second time I have ever commented on Moodscope in nearly 4 years. Your post made such an impact on me and I will hold you in my heart. Thank you. You are loved. XXOO

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 7:52pm

Alice, dear Alice, great blog...hitting notes high and low! Totally understand the drifting off and disorientation...when we are low - it's hard to know why and who we have become all over again.
Bear hugs to you, brave girl x x x

susan Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 10:12pm

Another wonderful blog Alice, thank you! Like Lexi, I believe that surviving depression again and again has made me somewhat of a Warrior with greater depth and understanding. There is always a silver lining. Xx

Mj Fri, Dec 11th 2015 @ 11:41pm

I don't think that is crazy at all Alice. I believe the world is a much better place for having us in it.

Kristen Sat, Dec 12th 2015 @ 4:43pm

Thank you, Alice. Your beautiful blog helped me get out of my pajamas, take a shower and walk my dog in the rain, feeling lighter and far less alone. XXOO

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