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When a blue moon rises. Sunday October 5, 2014

Sometimes life has a way of hitting me over the head, and I never know where it'll lead me.

Sometimes it's a generous sun. Too high to function. I get lost in being in love, or on a rush of feelings and dreams. Everyday things fall between the cracks. My heart fills up too full for ordinary life and there's always another time to catch up with work, bills and the pile of dishes that is inevitable, and I don't even mind it then, working at it in a daze, happiness lingering in me.

Worse though when a blue moon rises. Giving up everyday things out of despair or just lost self-preservation. When just breathing in and out seems like such hard work to keep up. And when dishes piling up are not a fun thing to catch up on and I turn off the lights and leave the kitchen.

People seem to be more patient when we lose focus out of happiness, smiling sideways at us, but it's when we are low we really need their patience, tolerance, maybe even a helping hand. Also, at these times, we need to make a habit of asking. Yes, it's hard. Sometimes impossible. But saying to a friend "this is a bad time for me" is a chance for them to offer help. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and you offer people a chance to be that friend. Texting is a way for me to do just that when asking out loud is too difficult.

Sometimes it's hard for a friend to know. And we don't always help them. I get snappy and mean when I'm on my way down. And people shy away. This of course I see as signs proving how impossible I am. "Obviously no-one likes me".

Well, nobody enjoys being put down or belittled for no reason. But it's hard for me to be vulnerable, it makes me feel weak & small. So much easier to be mean and self-sufficient. So much safer.

But who are we when we've pushed everyone away? What do we have left when we've used up everyone's patience?

Going through a long rough patch now, I've decided to try something else. Crying, sometimes publicly (Yes, I am that embarassing woman with tears pouring down her face at the bus stop!) Blogging. Contacting friends and accepting offers to do things, whether I'm in the mood or not.

I know in my mind I will feel happier when I go out and listen to music, whether I initially feel up for it or not. My body feels better when I eat properly (surprise!) and I sleep better if I do some light exercise. So I just do it, put on some shoes and I walk.
All things add up and I'm hoping all this "pretending to be a person" will soon add up to feeling like a person again, the somewhat decent, grounded person I used to be, and guess what?

I'm doing it with a few new friends that showed up during these bad times, that I never knew I had until I asked.

A Moodscope user.

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Hopeful One Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 6:54am

A lovely post.You are doing all the right things to get through your rough patch ie keep going .Friend are there to help us too but see if you can create an attitude or feeling of being your own best friend. Congratulate yourself and give yourself a treat ,however small, each time you "so I just do it ,put on some shoes and walk"Hope this helps to ease the pain you are going through right now.Hugs from a virtual friend.

Julia Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 7:31am

Wonderful blog Ulrika. So much resonates with me. I love your first 2 paragraphs and the one about being mean when low. All 3 describe me to a T. Thank you for sharing this insight, putting it into such readable words.

Anonymous Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 9:16am

Wonderful insight in what I can only imagine is what our bipolar friends go through., putting in words so eloquently what my sister regularly has to adjust to. How unsettling and how courageous for you to find the energy to adapt to these changing moods... Keep asking friends for help. That's what real friends are also for. good luck!

heather Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 10:49am

As a bipolar person I can identify clearly with your blog - written with such insight and individuality.
"Pretending to be a person" is one thing that stands out for me. I "Pretended to be a Medical Sec. to a Consultant Psychiatrist" for 10 years. There were many days when "acting the part" was essential, as I was really feeling more like the patient again. But it worked, and I loved my job which at the end of my working life gave me back a lot of my self esteem (I never declared my illness and coped by taking a "balancer".
However, friends tend to steer clear when I am very high as well as low, as I tend to talk too much and become overbearing. I think people lack true understanding in anything unusual, so best to avoid intense highs or lows if possible - they scare folk.
Love from Heather xx

Theresa NZ Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 11:05am

Thank you Ulrika and Heather and julia and anonymous. I too relate to this blog in many many ways. It is so dang validating! Thank you. My ups and downs are monthly occurances. Faking works. Hiding works. Texting works. ALL your strategies work BUT when I am grey, I am grey, I trust the knowledge i will be a vibrant rainbow sometime soon. God bless you and God bless me. Xo T

Anonymous Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 2:44pm

'Pretending to be a person', I so like that. That's me. Thank you Ulrika. Love from the room above the garage.

aj Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 4:17pm

Too much in love to notice life. Then too much heart break to be able to do life! That's me, all kicked off 1 year ago (almost). A year of depression, just starting to climb out. thanks for this post.

Mary Blackhurst Hill Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 4:17pm

Ah - so comforting to know that I am not the only one to leave the kitchen when the dishes pile up (not so much if you can't take the heat get out of the kitchen, but if you can't face the washing up....) And yes - the faking it until you make it - SO familiar. Thank you Ulrika for a blog that rings so true for so many of us.

Anonymous Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 4:24pm

I feel like you were describing me. I'm going through a similar transition, I know peaking your head out and deciding to finally deal with the world is really difficult. But somewhere along the way we realize that we need to do it.

Anonymous Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 4:34pm

I wish I could work out this friend thing ... a perpetual problem ....

Anonymous Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 4:46pm

Wonderful post. So helpful. I felt like I was reading about myself. Thank you.

heather Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 5:26pm

I sympathise with you Anon. Sometimes I seem to have SO many friends and at other times, not one. Love from Heather xx

Lex McKee Sun, Oct 5th 2014 @ 10:48pm

Dear Ulrika... this wasn't just a great blog, it was great art. I loved your weaving of words to create linguistics that captured my imagination on their web of delights.

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