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April


What we look for we find... Thursday April 28, 2016

I noticed in a comment in one of this week's blogs, that a person used that is what I would call 'away from' language.

This is where someone will say or write something like 'I strive to avoid x' or 'I never want to do y'.

The brain of course does not compute the 'negative'.

It's like my ex-wife saying to the kids as they walk along a narrow wall – "Now watch and not fall off" seeking to protect them, which was more about her own protection of insecurity.

All she did though, is place into their heads the thought of falling off (thus ensuring they continue to 'carry' her own insecure life).

They then fall off – and she says "Told you so" and the child's self-esteem takes another tumble!

In the same situation I would probably say "Now keep your focus, look at the end of the wall and you'll make it."

The child then usually completes the wall walk and grows in self-esteem and self-belief.

So what do you want to move towards – not what do you want to move away from?

If you place in your mind the 'move towards', your subconscious will seek that out and you will more than likely then succeed.

If you place into your mind what you want to move away from – what are you thinking about? The very thing you want to move away from!!! (Don't think about the pink elephant...)

If you want to alter your life or habits more effectively – focus on what you want and NOT what you do not want.

What we look for – we find.

It's how our brain works, and the beauty is, you ARE the programmer.

If you want to see joy – look for it - don't look for less pain - or you'll find more pain.

Don't - want to lose weight - want to be slimmer.

WE create the world's WE live in.

What 'filter' are you putting in the front of your mind today which means it's the same for your eyes and thus your life?

Les
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Night Owl Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 12:18am

Thankyou Les!! A pertinent reminder about things going on in my bubble (especially about self-esteem in myself and in others). Maybe I need to look up and out, to where/how I want my bubble to be tomorrow, next week, next month...
Sweet dreams to you all. NO xx

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:14am

Hi N.O. - Yup.....'see' where you want to be and the universe will supply steps to the same degree as your inner belief. Where do you want to go - not where do you want to get away from. Good luck

Anna Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 10:13am

Thanks for the reminder Les. An easy principle that is easier still to forget. Look into the abyss and the abyss looks back. Today I'm looking at cherry blossom!

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 4:03pm

Hi Anna - sounds good to me.....and thus will you become a) colourful b) delicate c) temporary as you create the growth for others or just d) lost in the moment? :-)

Hopeful One Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 6:59am

Hi Lex- a timely reminder to never underestimate the power of the negative thought. This particularly applies to our Inner Critic who,in his efforts to be helpful, achieves exactly the opposite.So many of our self esteem,self worth and self confidence issues originate from the activities of this Inner Critic.My advice ? try and swap him for a friendlier version.

No idea if I have told this one to my Fellow Moodscopers?

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only £39.99p."

LillyPet Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 7:59am

Lol! :))

Anonymous Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 8:46am

Good one Hopeful One Julx

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:18am

Hi HO - For me, replace the inner critic with a good friend in your life and cntinualy ask what would they say? It takes real effort and desire to change a habit - which is where most people fail - ALL the effort is at the start and many find that too tough and thus continue bad habits, even although they know and are aware....smoking, eating, drugs, lack of exercise et al......which is why we should all go together - at least in pairs. To go fast go alone - to go far, go together.

Zareen Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 7:37am

Thanks for the positive suggestion Les. All the Best Zareen

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:19am

Hi Zareen - Thanks for taking the time to comment.

LillyPet Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 7:58am

Lol! Guilty! Think that was me!
The blog was on whether "achieving happiness" realistic, so the context of my opinion was that I dont strive for something unrealistic. I totally see your point though Les! I do seek to avoid pain, I said that I thought our brains were hard wired to avoid pain and seek pleasure and yes I do it emotionally too. Seek to protect myself against emotional harm. Avoid emotional pain. Avoid being unwell. Too much negative focus!
Using positive language is something I suggest to adults all the time regarding childrens behaviour! I'm sure I've commented about it on here before! I was aware when I wrote it that it's not where I want to be, but it felt true. I'm not there yet and that's ok. Awareness is a good start.
I must say though sometimes spiritual teaching taken to extremes, can be taken (what for me feels) a little too far though! A bit like political correctness gone wrong! Lots to reflect on.
Thank you for reminding me about focussing on what I want rather than things to be avoided Les. I'll switch from avoidance to seeking positives, ie well being and allow the universe to do the rest!

Gentle wishes to all LP :)

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:25am

Hi LP - now it cannae be all of you that feel guilty :-) / and well played for taking ownership and laughing about it... ;-) / So instead of avoiding pain, harm, being unwell seek joy, happiness and health....move towards what you want and life I belive will shift. / Awareness is the only start - so go do. / Anything taken to extemes is unhealthy for sure......including beating yourslef up for the odd negative which is human......just re-focus on all the positives that day....walking, talking, laughing, playing etc - enjoy what we do for most of the day as human-beings and not human-doings..... / Enjoy the switch.....even write down at least 5 positive things in a diary ecah night and thus go to sleep focussed positively.

Lou Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 8:52am

"I noticed in a comment in one of this week's blogs, that a person used that is what I would call 'away from' language."

Suspect this might have been me!

Excellent blog Les and you make a good point - I shall endeavour to move towards more constructive language.

Thanks!

Lou

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:26am

Hi Lou - soooo interesting how people will easily take on guilt :-) / Wrie in and tell us what you also did positively today on your new 'constructive' world......Good luck.

Anonymous Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 8:54am

When my children were small, I had none of this advice. I am absolutely sure I was always saying "Hey be careful there, don't fall". I am not certain I would have said "Told you so!" if they had fallen; that depends on whether I was feeling cross that day or not.Your advice is great Les and especially (not using "But" here I hope you notice Hugh) for adults as a tool to navigate life. However language is so inbred and innate in our lives,we draw automatically on the phrases and words we have stored in our brains I guess. But this is what you are saying, think before we speak and think and speak constructively. I will think about this. I alway said I'd like a robot to look after me in old age. Its language would be divine to listen to and would undoubtedly cheer me up no end with its positive encouragement. You are right Les. Just difficult not to be spontaneous some days. But the more I think about it, if we start to change our thought patterns and speech, these will become the norm. Julxx

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:32am

Hi Jul - aye quite right, that 'but' word is very destructive.....I really like yoou but...... never a good word to use. / Aye habits are evident and yet if we are aware and awake enough, we can change our world by changing our habits.....I love this wee poem...... / Chapter 1 / I walk down the street / There is a deep hole in the sidewalk / I fall in / I am lost I am helpless / It isn’t my fault / And it takes me forever to find m way out. /////// Chapter 2 / I walk down the same street / There is deep hole in the sidewalk / I pretend I don’t see it / I fall in again / I can’t believe I am in the same place / But it isn’t my fault / And it still takes me a long time to get out. /////////// Chapter 3 / I walk down the same street / There is a deep hole in the sidewalk / I see it there / I still fall in / It’s a habit / My eyes are open / I know where I am / It is my fault / And I get out immediately. //////// Chapter 4 / I walk down the same street / There is a deep hole in the sidewalk / I walk around it. ////////// Chapter 5 / I walk down another street. ////// Porsha Nelson

Anonymous Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:48am

xxx Jul x

Susie Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:13am

Good advice & a whole different way of trying to approach life. I just wanted to say that I've been 'out of it' since Xmas but have tried to read the blogs most days for inspiration & courage. Thank you all for being here day after day. Life is very frightening for me even though I am lucky with my supportive partner. Can't seem to shake off my fear of life and the need to retreat mentally & physically - isn't it hard for some?

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:36am

Hi Susie - For sure it is hard - very hard for some. Great that you have a supportive partner....I probably would not be here if it was not for a few people who got me through the darkness. The fact that you have kept reading the blogs is great.....even just for that time, your mind may have shifted.....the challenge is often to focus on that change for longer and thus start to see the sun through the clouds......although I do not know your own situation. Keep going and great that you made the comment today and put your stuff out there....well done. One step after another....just one step......then maybe another.

Mary Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:35am

Susie - it is for you that we're here, every day. Not just for you, of course; but for everyone in your place, and for ourselves too. Every time I write a blog for Moodscope I shift my own thinking into a more positive place. So thank you so much for your words which make us know it really is worth while.

Kristen Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 7:38pm

You are SO not alone! I've been full of fear and scared to be social, reach out for help and judging myself harshly in the process. I'm often fearful of even recording my score - as if seeing how low it is in so many ways/characteristics will affirm that change is all the more difficult and I will possibly wallow in it further. Is that crazy or does anyone else ever feel that way? I do like the blogs and this one resonated. I am big on words and the way I phrase things both in my head and to my ten year old daughter. My mother was harshly negative and often told me about the ways I could fail when I pursued my dreams/goals and I absolutely don't want to do that to my daughter. She was only trying to protect me from hurt but the self-doubt has been damaging over the years. Thank you all for giving me hope that I'm not alone.

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 8:50pm

Hi Kirsten - great to be so self aware....well done for seeing and wanting to change that possible 'pass through' insecurity. Childern learn only three ways.....firstly example / secondly example / and thirdly example.

Anonymous Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:22am

Hi Les, nice blog - What we look for we find......Its true "If you want to alter your life or habits more effectively – focus on what you want and NOT what you do not want"

How often do we feel we are not good enough, not smart enough, not successful enough...? How often do we feel we don’t have enough money, time, accessories, resources...? This feeling of not being enough, not having enough, diminishes our self-esteem and happiness; and hinders our movements.

The antidote to 'not enough' is 'enough'. We are enough. We have enough. We need to believe it and really feel it. It is always the simplest action that produces marvellous results.

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:36am

Hi A - Spot on. FAB

Jenny Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:40am

So very true... don't think of a kangaroo! And what jumps into your head...?! It takes such energy sometimes to change those negatives but thank-you Les for holding the mirror up and reminding me. I realised that I was holding on to the negatives and fighting them when my energy could be spent on reinforcing the positives.

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 9:50am

Hi Jenny - Great stuff.....all change comes from a change in self-awareness. People who DJE (Defend, Justify and Explain) there habits, decisions or mistakes, will continue to 'see' and 'receive' the negatives. Use that energy of yours positively.....go do.

Skyblue Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 10:11am

This is a great teaching blog, Les. It speaks to one of my biggest challenges, so thank you. I was raised by a highly intelligent but completely fearful mother and learned well and fast. I try to be aware of my fundamental negativity (I am also one of the world's most positive people--a weird combination), and am lucky in that my husband and daughters won't tolerate even a shred of it and call me 'Nana' when i slip up. So obviously there is more work to do. Thanks again for this really clear message, so helpful. xx

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 10:42am

HI Skyblue - What a fab family trait to call you 'Nana' and help your continual growth - FAB....makes me smile that one. Most of our traits are from our childhood and parents who often 'coached' us in their own insecurity. Our role as adults is to chnage and thus NOT to pass the same onto our children. Sounds like your doing a GREAT job and they have learned so much, they are teaching you....fab fab fab.

Skyblue Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:00am

Les, what a lovely supportive reply, thank you so much. I'd never thought of the Nana jibe in such a positive way before!:) xx

Dee Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 10:14am

Les your comments are a interesting. Negative thoughts are temptingly easy.

I feel I slip into blaming others for faults I fail to see in myself, a negative trait that I attempt to avoid but it's not easy when I feel depressed. My habitual passive agressive tendency over rides positive feelings and I find fleeting solace in blaming others when sad.

My passive agressive nature also results in feelings towards others of smug self-righteousness. All learnt negative responses and behaviour. All traits that project my problems onto others.

At the moment I'm content and feel positive about my life but I keep a lookout for my cynical jaundiced views that can sabatage everything.

A balance between positive self awareness and negative self-absorption is very hard but I keep trying.

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 10:46am

Hi Dee - watch those 'buts'...... "At the moment I'm content and feel positive about my life AND I keep a lookout for my cynical jaundiced views that can sabatage everything." A but wipes out all before it......so your sentence really starts "I keep a look out for.....etc" So there is not "content and feel positive about my life"....... Don't 'try' just do. /// "Do or do not. There is no try." Yoda, 'The Empire Strikes Back'

g Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 8:34pm

great advice

Frankie Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 10:44am

Hi Les; this is so true - and is something I revisit often. It is particularly good timing for me today, thank-you. (Off unexpectedly to stay with elderly mum and my alcoholic sister ...) And thank-you everyone who has responded - LOADS to think about ... Frankie

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 10:47am

Hi Frankie - Good luck......see the postives and they will grow.......as will you. Safe journey

the room above the garage Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 12:49pm

I hope it goes ok Frankie, it might deplete your energy so remember to do something to replenish yourself when you are home, love ratg xxx.

Frankie Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 1:00pm

Thanks RATG - we try and go OOPS (sorry Les - I am becoming tongue-tied - what's the typing equivalent?) - we GO birdwatching as often as we can when we are up there; it helps loads ... Lovely to see you again here, and thank-you for your support which helps hugely - as it did at Christmas! love Frankie xxx

Anonymous Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 4:03pm

Hi Frankie. Bon Courage. Ratg's advice is good advice.I cannot better it! Lots of Love Julxx

the room above the garage Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 4:37pm

A pleasure Frankie, delighted to hear it xx. Hello Jul!

Rolf Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:03am

You are clearly coming out against thinking (and communicating) in "away from" patterns, and you are passing quite a strong value judgement on your wife and other people who run this (to use NLP lingo) metaprogram. I want to suggest reframing it for a moment. In a group, people who use such patterns can be important members: they are those who warn us of dangers ahead, like Cassandra in Greek mythology (if only the Trojans had listened to her ...).

So if you discover that you have been thinking in "away from" patterns, this does not necessarily mean that you were doing something wrong. It just means that you can change that pattern if you want to. The benefit of recognising metaprograms is that you gain the freedom to try something new and move on from a sticking point. The purpose is _not_ to sort thinking patterns into "good" and "bad".

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:23am

Hi Rolf - If we have people who are normally positive for sure we will listen to their words and concerns. If however, like my ex wife they continually 'look' for the negatives through a life of insecurity we will slowly but surely start to ignore their cries of wolf! //// And yes I do at times pass strong value judgments on certain people who in my mind, do 'harm' to others. So I suggest you offer a wee sentence like 'there may be good reason for your concern' in this instance.....etc etc.... rather than 'judge' /////// I would disagree that 'away from' patterns are not mostly 'wrong'....as it is not helpful for people and the research is clear - whether it is 'NLP lingo' or not. ///// I think there are thinking patterns that are helpful and unhelpful - which is of course my personal opinion......and may not be one that 'professionals' would wish to offer......so while you are quite right in your opinion and should express it......I do believe that certain habits should be strongly challenged rather than what I may call be politically correct and less subjective. And both our 'thinking' will work for some and the key is for people to have a choice and not be mollycoddled....in my opinion of course :-)

Rolf Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 3:34pm

What I am saying is that it is not the "away from" thinking pattern that is inherently harmful. You still seem to be saying "away from is bad!". It is not. Yes, you can do harm by using that pattern too much. But that's the same for other patterns. Someone might use a "towards" pattern excessively and cause harm that way -- think of the overambitious parent who wants very badly for their child to succeed and only ends up hurting him or her. Again: being prone to "away from" thinking is not bad. I'm worried that someone might read your blog and discover that they tend to think that way. Then your words of judgement might cause them to feel guilty or anxious, even though perhaps their thinking patterns are not causing any harm at all. I don't care if you characterize my concern as "political correctness" (a much abused term, if you ask me). I still believe your prime consideration as a blog author should be the reader's well-being -- not settling a score with your ex-wife.

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 4:09pm

Hi Rolf - or they might see it clearly enough to make a change? As for settling a score with my ex wife....tsk tsk tsk - childish.

Rolf Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 10:18pm

Right, now you've stopped making sense entirely. Do feel free to correct me if I'm wrong about anything I've said. Subtle insinuations you can keep, though.

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 10:49pm

Your now making it about you and I now - which is not what this site is about and you have absolutely no idea at all about how I and my ex wife get on now - none whatsover - so all it shows is your own need to be 'right' by your childish and ill conceived comments. That clear enough?

LillyPet Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:41pm

Hi Rolf, Thanks for your point about value judgements. My head went into a bit of a spin trying to figure out at what point negatives are ok! Gave up in the end! I felt supported by your comment so thankyou for that LP :)

Eva Fri, Apr 29th 2016 @ 9:03am

Hi Rolf, thanks very much for your well considered points, I do appreciate your point of view, everything in moderation nothing in excess I think is quite a balanced approach to life. Please don't let the above put you off from coming back here and posting your views are valued.

Leanne Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:22am

Thank you very much. I needed that today.

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:25am

Hi Leanne - pleasure......thanks for the comment.

Anonymous Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:32am

Les. I also have been thinking about your using your ex wife as an example of how not to behave. In one way it makes me laugh but with your intelligence and experience you need not have used her but could have put your very helpful as usual words of wisdom in a completely different context and it would have meant just as much. I don't know your ex wife , never met her but she is an EX wife. I recall you suggesting to Gardener that she not dwell on the past so much....Julxxx

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:49am

Hi A - Yup could have done for sure. I love being able to be 'in' my stories, so I show who I am warts and all. It is also the best example I have and would rather at times be subjective than objective. Fior me, it makes it more real...and I have never been one for political correctness. I don't think I was dwelling on the past - I was simply using the best example I knew. In over two years of doing blogs.......I don't think I have mentioned her before.......so, perosnally, I think it is thsoe that feel it is inappropriate or not 'right' that have the 'baggage' about such things. //// Just my opinion of course :-)

Anonymous Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 12:14pm

I am not saying it's not right or inappropriate. (And political correctness in my opinion doesn't come into this).I personally have used my own situation in blogs. It just made me reflect on things you've said in the past to others. As I said, it also made me laugh. I also want to help as you help me and others and to be honest I was a little fearful of how you might reply to me. You know if you've mentioned her or not before but that doesn't matter in one sense. I hope you might mention her again in future blogs Les as you say you love to be in your stories and we like to hear about and listen to, current and past issues in each of our lives.. Jul xxx

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 4:15pm

Hi Jul - yup.......real is far better than theory for so many reasons. I'll only mention people in my past if there was a lesson learned which is applicable to the subject....which as far as I was concerned there was today. Certain people unfortunately seek to live in the past and not only is there no lesson - they have not moved on. These inputs are usually always about them and not any learning or even asking for one. And for sure - we will always learn better from each other, if our intent is true.

Mary Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:47am

Les - thank you for this reminder of using positive language rather than negative. And - with LilyPet and Lou in mind - I have to confess to being rather glad my post went out only yesterday, as I could be reasonably sure it was not I you were using to illustrate your point! Regarding fear... I have just signed up to a course run by a client of mine. I really respect this woman and look forward to this online course on combatting our fears. It is a 4 hour course split into 21 parts and apparently is best done over a few weeks. The best bit is that the first 500 places are free! I have no idea how many of these places are left, but if you feel like finding out more and maybe enrolling then go to Kelly-fryer.com and then workshops The 'F' word. If you would like to see if there's a free place left then go here. http://bit.ly/1TfJMLF It would be great if a few of you would sign up too and we can compare notes afterwards and see if our fear demons have become more manageable!

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:51am

Hi Mary - always good to share and do you REALLY know I didn't write it last night!!?? :-)

g Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 8:25pm

done

the room above the garage Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 12:47pm

GUILTY OF THIS!!
Thank you Les, its simple and powerful. Slanj. Love ratg xx.

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 4:16pm

Hi RATG - good to hear from you......the gaelic for health is Slainte.....although it sounds like you've written it ;-)

the room above the garage Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 4:36pm

I'm Scottish too Les and I always thought slainte was the Irish version...I've clearly hung around too many dodgy Scots! Numpty is me :-D

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 6:23pm

Hi RATG - not numpty...just open and authentic.....unlike so many these days :-)

the room above the garage Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:07pm

:-)

The Gardener Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 2:32pm

Being driven bonkers by all the people telling me 'I must rest'. Just like my ma all over again, vision of her still, falling puffing into a chair as though she'd done a 10 mile walk. The rug has been pulled out from under my normal life - inactivity is adding to problems of age - why should I rest? I'm not doing anything. I want change, stimulation, not sitting listening to poor Mr G's crrazy conversation.

The Gardener Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 2:36pm

there ever come a generation when Mum's don't say to their kids 'don't fall over'. They don't go out intending to fall over - my lot, children and grandchildren went out with the express intention of falling into water if they could - but that was different. When ours did trip was in new sandals, those thick crepe soled affairs, great trip hazard - no warnings in those days.

the room above the garage Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 4:39pm

Dear Bear
Are you there?
Remember we care
And not what you wear
Just turn up.
Love ratg X.

LillyPet Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:34pm

Ditto Honeybear! Helloo ratg! Xx

g Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 8:30pm

there is another approach from the Bible - Be careful what you pray for - you may get it

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 8:43pm

Hi g - COOL............. and well done for signing up for that course with Mary.

Leah Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:31pm

Les,
Thanks for a great blog that has stimulated so much discussion and thought provoking comments.
In debating there is a term known as the 'ad hominem' when a response is directed against the person and not the position or idea they are discussing. Mostly on Moodscope this tactic is rarely used.
Thanks again this discussion has given me much to think about.

Les Thu, Apr 28th 2016 @ 11:46pm

Hi Leah - useful as always.

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