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What we look for, we find... Thursday January 28, 2016

"Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict
is often the strongest and the best." R. Turnbull

I have always loved this quote for many reasons.

Firstly I think it provides hope (see Lex's blog on Monday) and if there is no hope – there is nothing.

No matter how many times we have been depressed or manic – those reading this are still here. And intellectually we know, we can survive, although we don't feel we can if our minds go dark – again. What is it this time that will allow us to emerge back into that beautiful light?

One thing is for sure, it's supportive friends and family – along with possibly a mixture of pills, distractions and a desire to go on, even from minute to minute.

I also see the benefits I have felt as I have survived years of depression. I am more understanding of others and thus more able to sympathise as well as even empathise.

I take more time when feeling OK to see the beauty in everything around me – the clouds, the sunsets, the flowers and many more, along with helping others to more fully understand themselves.

We can only truly serve ourselves by serving others.

It also makes me think of the best relationships that I have. They are usually there due to one or both of us forgiving the other for some form of behaviour. (See January 15th's blog – forgiveness.)

That relationship is usually stronger if it has almost ended. That look into the darkness and contemplating it ending and then realising there is more to lose by ending it – allows us to explore even further why 'we' are there and find that forgiveness for certain behaviour. After all, who are we to judge, when our behaviour could be going up and down like a yoyo?

There is also the word 'faith' in the quote.

It kinda goes with 'hope'... that faith (which of course is blind) tells you that there is something ahead, or it may be 'faith' in one of the many 'Gods' that inhabit the lives of many, or even in the faith of others in you, when you have lost yours.

So wherever you are mentally just now, what are you looking for? Are you looking for good things – because if you are, you will most likely find them. Or are you looking for negative things, because, guess what, you'll just as easily find them.

If you are now driven to write a comment about how your life is all bad right now... that's because you only see it that way and yet unlike many, you are still here.

So out of our darkness, what 'beautiful light' can you see right now?

Write from your heart what are you looking for and what can you therefore see?

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Anonymous Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 5:24am

I am saying this deep from my heart. I am looking for true love. I know this precious person for nearly six years. The problem is that he is much you younger than me and I don't know if it is proper for me to be in relationship with this man. I've never loved anyone like this. He is the most special creature on earth. I admire him for who he is. He is so intelligent, is a very competent speaker of two languages. I love his linguistic skills. He is a voracious reader, which is something I am striving to be one day. I pray that when we are ready we will be together. Help me God!

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:17am

Hi A So heart felt - deep. Only question......have you taken the risk to offer that to him? Does he know your heart?

Mr A non Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 5:24am

Morning Les and all scopers, The 'beautiful light' i can see right now is on my screen. The words of wisdom from someone who has 'been there,done that' I am in a good place at the moment (what i class as normal),and have been for nearly 18 months,apart from a period of depression after being prescribed Steroids (prednisolone)in September/October 3 months ago.Anyway i seem to have meandered slightly off track. I dont know if periods of depression and elation have changed me from the person i was destinned to be.I believe myself the 'beautiful light' is everywhere,all around us, surrounding us,in everything we see and the people we meet.It's just that when we are low, we have sunglasses on and can no longer see it . Thanks Les A good day to one and all

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:23am

Hi A non - lovely stuff - feels to me that the person you are, is richer and wiser for the 'meanderings'.

Sally Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:58am

What an excellent blog, Les. You certainly always write from the heart yourself, and it shines through. I like what you have written, and how you have written it very much. It does resonate with me, and what I myself believe about life now. Oh, heaven knows, it wasn't always that way, but bitter experience, and clinging on, have born fruit in later life, and I now see it as my mission in life to alleviate mental suffering in anyone who should find themselves in that awful situation. And it happens to the most unlikely too. For a myriad of reasons, or for no perceivable reason at all. I wake up every morning feeling grateful for everything I have, that is , every PERSON I have around me, and knowing that there are connections out there for the making in every context of life, from the hospital visits, to the social activities I do, or just at the shops. Life is ( mostly) good.

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:25am

Hi Sally - Keep making those connections to spread your spirit. A warm smile can change so much.

Soulmansblue Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 8:14am

Good Blog Les,

Won't comment right now, only had time for a quick scan. I'm in really bad mood and right now in one bad place in my head.


Norman Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 9:00am

Thanks for the update SMB, we are thinking of you.

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:27am

Hi SMB - what great awareness to be able to be in that place and still be positive and comment. Be as kind to yourself as you can and seek the comfort that enables you to breathe.

LillyPet Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:34pm

It will pass SMB. Maybe you could do something differently for a while to change your atmosphere if that makes sense. The others are right. Commenting to us is one positive step forward. You have been heard and are being held here. One gentle step at a time. Calming vibes going out to you. LP

the room above the garage Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 8:37am

Thank you Les. Warm words. Finding the days too short but a bit too long at the moment. I'm looking for any good thing that comes along and I'm taking great encouragement from each thing. Today there was a burnished sunrise! It's a reminder that day follows night and that we only need the next step to walk. Validate each moment and it will build. Thank you x.

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:28am

Hi RATG - wise words as always - keep stepping. x

Lesley Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 1:33pm

Hi RATG, your small steps help me with my small steps. Hugs

Norman Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 9:04am

Ah! I can hear "Morning" from Peer Gynt playing in my head. Just think, the darkest hour was just before that.

Here's another good thing:

Norman Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 9:06am

that lovely sunrise.

the room above the garage Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:16am

Thank you Norman, yes, the darkest hour was just before! What a great thought. I'm glad your head won and glad to see you have a good doctor. You are in charge of you now and I like it. Thank you my friend X.

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:30am

Hi Norman - thanks for your input

Norman Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:05am

Things are "interesting" at work, and I am not feeling up to them at the moment. My heart wants to throw myself at the problems even to the point of exhaustion, my head tells me that if I take a proper rest this week I will have more energy to tackle them next week. I rang my doctor: head wins!

Sometimes the best thing to do with darkness is to sleep through it.

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:31am

Hi Norman - Its great that you are aware of both head and heart and able to have that 'conversation'. And maybe there are various ways to 'sleep' through it?

Anonymous Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:06am

Les, Thank you for this. I really needed it. So easily found the negatives, and read negative meaning into everything that's happened today. Now I'm surrounded by blue sky, sunshine and rolling hills. It's pretty remarkable and although nothing 'out there' has changed, my perception has lifted in an instant. Sometimes when all seems lost, a writing from a compassionate stranger changes everything.

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 10:33am

Hi A - Aye....we all need help to 'see' other things at times and to help us live in the moment. It's great that you are 'open' to that - may it last for the day.

Dave Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 11:54am


Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 2:06pm

Hi Dave - great self awareness - it'll serve you well. Keep looking for the 'good'.

Frankie Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 12:17pm

Oh I do believe this, dear Les, - what we look for, we find;

my current struggle is squaring the "look for the positives" with needing to be realistic (elderly aunt in hospital following a fall; necessary discussions re; her future and the consequences for us who must make it happen for her; watching her and mum deteriorating; knock-on effect of alcoholic sister resorting to drink with subsequent muddying of the waters ...memories of when my beloved mother-in-law was in this situation ...)

How on earth do I look for a bright future for my aunt when experience and common sense both suggest that her future is anything but ...?


Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 2:11pm

Hi Frankie - how can you spend time making sure she is as comfortable as can be and talking about the positives in life she has had and in seeing her smile? Crucially - the more balanced you are within yourself - the more you will be able to 'serve' them. Become their window to peace......through your own sense of inner peace.....??

Melissa Sat, Jan 30th 2016 @ 6:12am

You are so wise, Les! Awesome words of comfort. And very good ideas. Sincerely, Melissa

Mj Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 12:55pm

Regency Attitude is 90% it seems to me. On Friday the 15th of this month I got fired from my job of 8 years. At 6:15 I was calling for the emergency responders for an open fracture of my ankle. I just got transferred from 12 days in the trauma unit to the transitional care unit for physical and occupational therapy for 2 weeks at least.
I'm praying a lot and trying to stay involved with my work with chronic physical and mental conditions.

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 2:18pm

Hi Mj - how great is it that you can write the above, while in your situation? Great attitude which will serve you many others in the ward can you 'lift' with you? Inspire them......inspire from the Latin 'spiro' meaning 'to breathe' and thus inspire = to breathe life into. Your attitude defines your altitude....

Lesley Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 1:39pm

Dear les
Thank you for these heart felt words. They complement a card I received for my birthday the other week. Here is a link to the card, a Dorset based artist. Sam Cannon.

Life affirming.

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 2:22pm

Hi Lesley - yes lovely card....and up north here.....with little light pollution the stars shine brightly.

The Gardener Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 6:25pm

What can we find from the darkness? Faith from conflict? When I picked Mr G up from respite the girls were shaking their fists at his back, they were so fed up. We went to the doctor for prescriptions, he says I MUST get away before I'm ill, but it's most difficult from lots of aspects. At the moment I feel like King Lear 'let me not be mad'. I am snapping, which I hate. The doc says I have absolutely nothing to be guilty about, the situation is so grim. Mr G has spent the last two hours taking clothes off and putting them on again - which he's been doing all day apparently. I am bending my mind to all the things I have to do, interesting, fun, and leading to a better future, because our 'mode de vie' should change. But evenings are pure hell. Mr G still likes eating, and I like cooking, BUT, he will object to the lights or the heating throughout the meal - why we both don't have ulcers I don't know. Sorry about this - but although I realise that I am not in the same situation as you people who are in the midst of depressive swings and roundabouts I have continually to fight the feeling of hopelessness - that there is still life worth living out there. I had a phone call last night to say Mr G's oldest friend (over 60 years, at college) is dangerously ill - I thought he might stop thinking whether he is hot or cold to think of his friend and what his wife is going through - but no - and something I have an awful job to accept - Mr G is dead to the feelings and troubles of others. I have to rise above this lot - use all the weapons in my armoury - including you marvellous lot here - to help me, like poor old Lear, to 'not be mad'.

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 6:43pm

...not mad dear TG...just feeling hopeless or when home alone with him, helpless. But you are coping so well and are a tower of strength to Mr TG....take comfort from that fact, that you are doing all you can. Yes, rise above, up that tower that you've built - maybe this is what your life's struggles and events have been leading to? Biggest Bear hugs x

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 6:47pm

Oh Les, I have found it very difficult to reply to anyone recently. But I wanted to say how I really liked what you have written here and keep hope in my heart that I can get through the 'stuff of life' that is being thrown my way at the moment. I am looking for more kindness and love from family....who seem to enjoy undermining me. Bear hugs to all. Bear x

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:18pm

Hi Bear - in challenging times - being open about what you are looking for and offering how you feel - may change the 'climate'. Show weakness to gain strength........? As a last resort - you may have to 'look' elsewhere......?

LillyPet Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:23pm

You are in my thoughts each day lovely Bear. That's a good thing to be looking for hunny. Big hugs.LP xx

Norman Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 8:48pm

Lots of kindness and love for you here. We don't undermine you, think of us knocking pit props in underneath you...

The Gardener Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:06pm

To bear - thanks and return hugs - I think, and please excuse me, that looking for family help is living in a fool's paradise - my lot, super when we meet, promise visits and support - but they all seem so incredibly tied up that I can't get a phone call or e-mail from them (with notable exceptions). We bought them up, spoiled them, perhaps, to have a better? more fulfilled ?? life than we did - and they are having it - I am learning to take pride in my family and enjoy their company when I get it (no begging, no recriminations, no gratitude) and to stand on my two wobbly feet and trust on those who are near in distance and communications.

LillyPet Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:19pm

Hi Les,
I'm looking for continued steadiness at the moment. I want to remain steady so much that I'm overlooking lowering feelings as being down to just a bad day, lack of sleep, hormones etc and looking to be back on track and fluctuating around what is average for me.

I think you're right, I'm finding what I'm looking for. Reframing the story I've been telling myself.

We have all struggled with alot and I know you ( and I!) are not suggesting that an illness that has such a big impact on our daily lives will go away if we're not focussing on it.

Just that if you want to move forward you have to look where you're going! :) LP

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:36pm

Hi LP - Yup agreed.....there is no short cut to anywhere worth going for sure....and no short answer to certain illnesses....we know small changes of direction.....or small wins or smiles....can start a shift. / I love the phrase - 'I'll believe it when I see it' (unbelieving & external) OR 'I'll see it when I believe it' (believing & internal)

LillyPet Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:42pm

Love that! :) I'll try to remember that Les. Thanks for a fab blog today. LPx

Welsh girl Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:21pm

Such a well-timed blog for me, after my vitriolic mother spent 10 minutes on the phone last evening berating me for supposed wrong-doings, when it is in reality two of my siblings who need berating. She refuses to listen to anything negative about them but immediately thinks the worst of me. So I needed to find positives today after a disturbed night's sleep. The sunshine this morning, a FaceTime call to my daughter and baby grandson(during which she told me I had better parenting skills than my mother) and losing myself in a creative activity -marmalade making- have all helped me to end my day feeling bathed in the "beautiful light".

Les Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:39pm

Hi Wg - Great comment thanks. What we focus on grows.....keep growing positively. You could also imagine your mother speaking as Mickey Mouse or some cartoon character, which will lessen the load?

Welsh girl Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 8:26pm

Thank you Les, the thought of my mother as Mickey Mouse made me laugh out loud!

Norman Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 9:00pm

"she told me I had better parenting skills than my mother"

Melissa Sat, Jan 30th 2016 @ 6:05am

Hi Welsh Girl! Your post made me think a lot, and I wanted to share with you something that has been helping me a lot in these past few months. I attend a 12 step group here in California (perhaps they have meetings all over?) but they are called "ACA anonymous " which stands for adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. I've learned so much about where my deficits were, in terms of growing up with the family I did. And this is not a huge "blame game" where we just sit around and complain about our problems, and become victims. It's far more than that! I grew up in a loving, supportive home--but there were parts of my childhood that resulted in my becoming a perfectionist and an over achiever, never feeling like I was quite hitting the mark. Kind of a people-pleaser. And this led to a hollow existence as I grew older. What ACA has taught me is that it is quite possible to "reparent " myself, and it is a deeply moving and even spiritual experience. I call it my "cheap therapy" because the meetings only cost a buck. (Voluntary donation)....and yet I learn so much about how to take care of myself, and disengage (with love and grace) from critical unhealthy people who just want to throw their crap on others. Anyway, for what it's worth, I just wanted to mention it! If you have any questions about it, feel free to contact me. 949-394-7775 And my email is I'd love to support you in your journey. Take care my fellow friend! Melissa

Welsh girl Tue, Feb 2nd 2016 @ 3:22pm

Hi Melissa and thank you for taking so much time to explain how ACA has helped you. I will investigate it further and see if it is something I could relate to and use to help me. I will update you if this is where my journey takes me. Take care and thank you again!

LillyPet Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:40pm

I can totally relate to this Wg. What a lovely turnaround away from the darkness and looking towards sunshine, light and what you want for you. Like you, I ride it out and look for any little signs that I'm bouncing back. LP :)

Welsh girl Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 8:38pm

Thank you LP for your lovely, supportive comments. Looking at my Moodscope scores over the 3 years I have been a member, also helps to show me I have the ability to bounce back.

The Gardener Thu, Jan 28th 2016 @ 7:46pm

I've never read Dante - but do you think I am doing my purgatory now? Just had an excellent meal in near pitch darkness, accompanied by some pretty awful Shostakovitch - if one's going to suffer might as well make a job of it. Looking at pictures of joy - round the world orchids, hibiscus, bougainvilleas, my own gardens - the Christmas joy of our kids in India - what Joyce Grenfell called (a favourite word of hers) 'nourishing'.

Melissa Sat, Jan 30th 2016 @ 5:52am

So wonderful, Les! Full of wisdom and inspiration. Gosh I think you should write a book, about your experience with depression. I think it would fly off the shelves, and it would help so many people. Just a thought! You are a very talented writer!

Les Sun, Jan 31st 2016 @ 9:14pm

Hi Melissa - many thanks for that....some people do say I should write. My challenge is I gain my energy and inspiration from working with people....a book is a kinda solitary thing....I would need to work with maybe a writer who disciplined the nicest way of course :-)

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