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We All Matter. Tuesday June 27, 2017

I have always been more self conscious than I would like. I had one very judgemental parent. The other always wanting to please others. Both wanting to impress.

It feels a little boring for me to keep "blaming" my parents, but boring is good. Better than painful. Boring leads to finding something better!

Coming back to the point though, I've had the feeling that what others thought of how we were brought up, was MORE important than we were. That My happiness didn't matter.

I get the same feeling at work. Nothing is ever good enough. Never doing enough. More and more new things being piled onto an already full workload. In fact it really seems as if you're happy something must be wrong! You're obviously not working hard enough. "You are not good enough value for money and we can demand more out of you."

Well guess what? My emotional wellbeing does matter.
My happiness is important.
It's ok to enjoy my life, whether I am being paid or not!
This is MY life.
All of my time is my own. Whether I am being paid or not.
I can decide how to spend it.
I can trust myself to do what I need AND want to do.
AND I can take the time I need to do it!

It's no wonder that people go through long periods of time finding it hard to feel any enjoyment or happiness, but that doesn't mean that it is a done deal.

I would like to worry less about what people think of me.

Step one (making this up now guys!)
Turn it into a positive... I want to relax about things a bit more, I deserve to.

Step two
Notice an old pattern or worry as it starts and gently let it pass. What self care would make you feel a little better? Do that.

Step three
Notice an opportunity to try a little of what you want. For me, I can relax about and even enjoy what I'm doing. I matter. If others are on the same page, wonderful. If they're not, they matter less.

Is there something that you would like?

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Molly Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 12:24am

Hi LP, I liked this blog. I also have parents that are more worried about pleasing others and impressing others. As a child this was particularly damaging. My mother was never the type to stick up for her own child, if that meant losing face with other mothers! Just one example there but yes, let's move on, it's boring ! If boring brings something better, then I am all for that. Work, I can also relate to that (when I did work) so much was expected of me and I took the job home in the end (working from home) and I was even working on my honeymoon! More fool me! I like alot of what you have said, too many points you make to answer them all - but I felt comfort from your words and yes 'we all matter'. Really enjoyed this blog LP xx

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 8:00am

Hi Molly,
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed and felt comforted by it.LPxx

waterfall Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 8:02am

Lillyput what a good blog for me. I have spent a great deal of time worrying about most things. A thing that really gets to me I worry about whether I have said the right thing, just going out for a Camomile Tea with a friend, have enjoyed the time, get back home and that voice starts, "you shouldn't have said this of that" does it blinking matter sometimes it's only small talk, but it goes way way back to childhood, like you I blame my mother, she has been gone 30 years, my brother once said to me "let her go" but she was such a big influence in my life, always seemed to be telling me not to do this or that, say this or that. I have taken the opposite view with my children, not to Nag!! let them form their own opinions etc.
Another on worrying what people say of me there is a quote Whatever people say about me is none of my business.
I keep trying to throw the big black coat away from my shoulders, but it comes back again.
Bye for now

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 12:50pm

Hi Waterfall, It's so good to hear that there are others who still struggle long into adulthood. It confirms that it's natural. I'm sorry though that it's such a draining thing to live with. Worrying about possibly being judged but mostly judging ourselves. To pick ourselves up a bit though, thankfully it's not all of the time. It goes in phases for me and I'm keen to get back on track. Also I'm better than I was, so that's a plus. Things can only get better on that front! And our relationships with our children are better for it. It was what it was and we are moving forward all the time. Lovely to see you here and thank you. LPxx

Lex Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 8:28am

Hey, Lillypet, I think you're amazing... and I've got backup - others do too!

Jul Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 8:52am

"I think you're amazing!" I am now singing the song by the wonderful George Michael. Julxx

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 12:51pm

Aww thanks Lex! :)) xx

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 12:52pm

I'm thinking of the song " ...coz you're amazing, just the way you are!" Can't remember who sings it! :) xx

Molly Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 7:14pm

Billy Joel 'Just the way you are' Don't go changing to try and please me You never let me down before Don't imagine you're too familiar And I don't see you anymore I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble We never could have come this far I took the good times; I'll take the bad times I'll take you just the way you are Don't go trying some new fashion Don't change the color of your hair You always have my unspoken passion Although I might not seem to care I don't want clever conversation I never want to work that hard I just want someone that I can talk to I want you just the way you are

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 11:25pm

That is beautiful! Thank you Molly! :) xxx

Jul Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 8:57am

Hi Lillypet. I am so pleased and relieved my struggles at work are behind me. However I will never forget the emotional abuse I suffered there which eventually caused me such ill health I had to leave. I was in the wrong job for my personality I guess but who can pick and choose their employment? That aside, I still experience on a daily basis, the negative feelings you describe. I like your suggestion of understanding our patterns of worry and looking at them objectively so that we can maybe lessen their impact. Thnak for your great blog LP. Jul xx

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 12:58pm

Thanks Jul, It can't be good that I'm looking forward to retirement with over 10 years to go! :)) Shame that this dip has come, but it's good to know why at least. You're right, even if I left, those circumstances would change, but life is never plain sailing. So lovely to have this lovely Support. Take care and thank you. LPxx

LH Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 8:59am

Hi Lillypet,
I enjoyed your blog and identified with much of it's content. I often relate issues back to my childhood and although some may see it as blame, I see it as awareness, and use that awareness to help me make sense of things and inform my current choices, in a similar way to your example of making different choices for your children's upbringing.
I am saddened by how many people do not take good care of themselves or think that they don't deserve to. I think this often occurs when they are not aware of how childhood experiences may have affected their self-worth.
Hope you enjoy some time today x

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 1:07pm

Hi LH, Yes it was that inner critic voice that came out with the blaming myself for blaming! :) I absolutely agree about awareness. It's odd because I'd say that I am aware and I do make a point of looking after myself better, yet when things get hectic or challenging I've automatically switched into taking care of responsibilities for others, and the basics in my environment and end up depleted if I'm not careful. Thank you, LH xx

Orangeblossom Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 9:04am

Hi LilliPet thanks for the great blog which entirely resonated for me. I have learnt self-acceptance over the years so that even if my living parent can't accept me, I can live with myself by and large. However, it is a dynamic experience, as I have to go on accepting myself as I am at this moment. This is my greatest daily challenge.

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 1:14pm

That's such a good point Orangeblossom. As I am in this precise moment in time is pretty ok actually. This I can accept, so I guess it's just the residual feelings about the recent situation/s that have brought back even older ones. For today, I'll try not just mindfulness of my surroundings, but the odd "I'm ok right now. Nothing and no one is on my case! " Thank you :) xx

Sal Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 1:24pm

Thanks Lillypet, I thought it was a great blog too, and also love the comments that it has generated. Such a lot of loving self-care and awareness being expressed. Thanks again. xx

PS I also relate to the work situation you describe. I've done a lot of blaming myself for troubles at work, and I can still see ways in which my behaviour played a part in them, but it took me a long time to change my situation, partly I think because I didn't believe I deserved to be happy at work.
It also took me a long time to get clearer about what was my part in the difficulties, and what was just completely unacceptable behaviour by some of the people in my workplace. (Oh dear, that sounds horribly judgemental to me now, but it is how I still feel!) In short, I wish I had recognised a toxic work environment and moved on much sooner - if I'd had more self-confidence and self-esteem, I think I would have done.
Very thought-provoking; still thinking ........ ;) xx

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 11:33pm

Hi Sal, Maybe sooner would've been better, but things sometimes change when the time is right. I'm not feeling very positive about it right now, but when things settle down again, I'll hopefully go back to enjoying what I do. I find it hard to imagine myself doing anything different. Perhaps you have a point though, if I really believed in myself I would find something that didn't involve having to prove my worth. Thank you. LPxx

The Gardener Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 1:54pm

Dear LP, I am SO ambivalent about how people are affected by their childhood - and how impossible the 'nurture v nature' argument is to solve. My parents were utterly ill-matched, and it was pretty miserable - BUT my father encouraged me in everything, perhaps the best bits (genes?) of his obviously bi-polar rubbed off. One of our sons is with us, and we were talking about MY mother, a noted misery, for whom nothing was ever right, and who discouraged everything I did. We have three natural sons, two adopted mixed-race daughters - one accepted adoption, one did not - we are estranged - a great sadness. BUT, again - a very good friend (my economics history professor, super guy) was adopted - had not problems growing up. He went, curiosity or academic interest, to a meeting of a group of psychiatrists looking at the effects of adoption. All the 'audience' were adults, adopted - my friend said that many of them who had made a mess of their lives said it was because they were adopted. I am getting very dogmatic - and probably not very tactful - none of us could choose our parents - once we have 'fledged' like birds it is our job to do our best - if our childhood is a hurdle to get over, then jump. I expect a lot of flak for such a view!

Nicco Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 2:16pm

No flak from me, TG! I see your point of view & can agree to some extent, but some of us find making the jump quite difficult, or the hurdle a bit too high if not impossible. I recall saying to a past boyfriend of my daughter's who is adopted (I'll prob get flak for this myself!).. "It takes more than a teaspoonful of sperm to make a father - I had a natural one and look how that turned out!" I have never totally agreed with the 'life is what you make it' saying either. You're right - we can't choose our parents, but we can choose to do the best we can with the hand we are dealt in life, however difficult & painful that hand may be. (The boyfriend decided he was going to make the worst of it, & I have a friend who's adopted who made the very best of it). You're right - we do have choices when we 'fledge', but some people who have been very messed up during their upbringing don't even realise they have choices, let alone what those choices are. I do find the 'nature versus nurture' concept interesting though so I don't discount it.

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 11:36pm

Thanks Nicco, pretty much what I would've said! LPxx

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 11:42pm

No flack from me either TG. What you've said is your view! Unravelling deep rooted stuff even having flown the nest, I often wish I'd flown further, but loyalty to my siblings and duty to my parents as they get older keeps me here. Maybe one day something unexpected will bring about a change for the better. Thank you, LP

Nicco Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 2:01pm

Thanks for your blog, LP. I grew up in a very toxic environment, then seemed to marry out of it and into another one, albeit slightly different. It all took its toll very much on my health. I am now trying to get myself together a bit - not so much 'pick up the pieces' but leave those pieces behind and move forward. Although I felt shaky about it at first, I find I am actually enjoying living alone as there are no stresses, strops, sulks, tantrums, etc, generated by/from other people, and I'm starting to really soak up the peace. I have no idea what the future may hold, and am trying not to worry about it from a financial point of view, or from an 'ability' point of view (I am disabled) and I read somewhere recently that... 'Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere'! I also like the idea of 'awareness' which I will try to put into practice whenever I get one of those 'gut-wrenching' moments that pop up from the past and bite me now and again. Maybe I will say to myself, 'yes, I feel (whatever the emotion maybe), and I think that's coming from a past situation where I remember (whatever) happened. It feels bad, but I can learn from it, and I don't have to feel like that today, so I will hold my head up high and thank the fact that I can learn from it and move forward'. Something along those lines. Perhaps if I do it often enough, the pain of the past will slowly subside. Here's hoping! x PS: I feel that those of us who have children can use the past in order to 'break the mould' to try and make sure they don't have to suffer in the way that we did - can't obviously protect them from everything, and it wouldn't be a good thing to do that, but we can behave differently with our children to how our parents behaved towards us, so giving them better freedoms (within obvious sensible boundaries) in order to make more of their own choices & allow their own personalities to shine instead of being stifled or guilt-tripped into behaving in a certain way in order to please. I hope that makes sense - sorry I've gone on a bit! x

Tutti Frutti Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 2:23pm

Hi Gardener I think I could agree that we need to get over whatever hurdles have arisen from our past lives that are causing us problems with mental health going forward. Probably easy for me to say though as I had a pretty pleasant childhood. Jump over hurdles all sounds a bit quick and easy. My instant reaction is "how do I jump over"? I think getting over some of those hurdles might be more in the way of a difficult climb where you need a plan of what route (handholds, footholds etc) you are going to use. Sometimes awareness of how the hurdle arose can be a useful first step to getting over it. What is essential is that we don't stop there and we don't stop working on our issues. Love TF x

Tutti Frutti Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 2:29pm

Nicco Sorry the reply above was meant for Gardener. I am very much in agreement with your comments. Love TF x

LH Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 5:18pm

Sorry Nico, my message for you is below x

Molly Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 7:43pm

Hi Nicco, it is good that you are trying to enjoy living alone. It has many benefits. I have lived alone alot in the past. I enjoy the space and no-one to answer to. I like the rocking chair theory, worrying gets you no-where. Also learning from the past etc. Something hits us and throws us off course, but put it into perspective and we are in a much better place. I enjoyed your comment, it made so much sense xx

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 11:47pm

No don't be sorry Nicco, I do the same. Thinking things through properly on here helps me a lot. Thank you for some sound ideas. Xx

LH Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 5:17pm

Hi Nico, so glad to hear that you are enjoying this period of peace and solitude at home with an open-mind as to what may come next. Wishing you well in your continued journey x

The Gardener Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 6:01pm

Tried to read as much as possible of above - the subject has so many ramifications - what promised to be a lovely visit is tough - son being marvellous, but Mr G worse than ever, manipulating the pair of us. Thinking of this childhood which is so traumatic for some - I went from awful parents' marriage, to split up - then my Pa went off with a series of other women, leaving me with his business - he and I estranged from Mummy - then I probably 'fell' into marriage, work, no money, kids - and, somehow childhood sort of went into limbo? I know a big regret is that I have no nice memories of My Mum, such a misery. The kids do have - she was 'daffy' but a proper Granny in that she mended their clothes, fed them THE most unsuitable food when they visited her in her wardened flat and made foul knitwear which had to be lied about when she asked if they liked it. Through all this verbiage I think, very seriously, that you are a 'survivor' or not, and DO leap the hurdle - BUT there is a scar - a shell is put up, you say 'Nobody is going to hurt me' which can make for difficult adult relationships.

Molly Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 8:00pm

Wise words Gardener. My parents never really grew up, and if I ever questioned them about their behaviour towards their kids, they would make the excuse that they had bad childhoods. Nicco has mentioned that, about 'breaking the mould' why on earth would anyone make the same mistakes. I suppose it is about mentality. Funnily enough my step father was the worst culprit, a controlling and manipulating man (still is) yet he had a good childhood. I can certainly relate to the shell that is put up, or I would prefer to say 'a wall'. I am always ready to push people away. Yes the scars remain. Many people have said recently that these negative feelings can be overcome. I don't believe that myself. Thank you Gardener and to everyone else who have bared their soul, I find it really helpful. Molly xx

Jane SG Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 8:05pm

A timely blog for me today LP! I've finally decided to leave my job. Although I need to find something else first. I've had enough of being taken for granted and expected to work at the same level, just as hard, but with less pay and recognition. I've just spent two days juggling my hours, and working extra hours on sat and sun, so I could visit my Mum in hospital. I've had enough! And I've told my boss this today! Thank you LP xx

Jane SG Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 8:07pm

Forgot to say, this comes from people pleasing which comes from childhood-being taught to always please others first!

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 11:53pm

So true. Well congratulations Jane! I hope My gloomy blog didn't push you. I'm sure you've thought it through and good things lie ahead for you

Molly Wed, Jun 28th 2017 @ 5:02am

Well done Jane, I had to leave a job once, it was a difficult decision, but I had to realise that it was doing me no good. I went on to do much better things. I am not sure from your post whether you have actually left the job but good luck. I can only say that our jobs should not rule our lives. I hope your boss is supportive otherwise just run xx

Jane SG Thu, Jun 29th 2017 @ 12:26am

Thank you LP and Molly. I really appreciate your encouragement. I havent left yet but made the decision to leave. My confidence in what I do has grown and I'm tired of being taken for granted. Xx

LP Tue, Jun 27th 2017 @ 11:56pm

Thank you for all your warm and caring comments everyone.
I'm looking out for my more positive side to shine again soon and will blog them too! Xx

Eva Wed, Jun 28th 2017 @ 8:11am

Great blog LP, I am currently working through the effects of childhood with my bereavement counsellor, it's been an interesting journey, my childhood was fun but a but heavy on responsibility at an early age, which has translated into workaholism and fixing things for folks with a full social calendar, basically burning both ends of the candle, and the result in my bereaved state - fatigue.

So I'm learning that I don't need to fix and do for everyone, and a bit of moderation in my work and social life.

I don't blame my parents they did their best, I do need to look at protecting myself more though next time I face trauma, or when my mum does , as she uses me as an extension of herself.

Eva Wed, Jun 28th 2017 @ 8:11am

Also great to hear that you are doing well, well done you!

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