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Waving but refusing to drown. Thursday August 31, 2017

I've been quiet on Moodscope for a while, not because of illness, but actually because I've had a period of good health.

So when my current period of illness arrived rather unexpectedly, it took me by surprise. It has come on slowly, just as work has quietend down and the school holidays arrived. Instead of being happy, my mood has nosedived and anxiety rocketed.

I'm torn between fighting this depression, keeping my very British stiff upper lip, or feeling it, owning it and giving in to 'it', whatever 'it' is. This might even mean taking time off work which is definitely not part of my plan.

In the spirit of self-care, I am trying to keep going and to keep to a routine. The dog has been walked, I have met up with a friend for a Balti and cheerily engaged in conversation with fellow dog walkers, despite feeling bloody awful (with apologies to those who object to swearing!)

Melanie recently blogged about how you can tell yourself you feel something but also tell yourself that this doesn't mean that you ARE that feeling (Feeling my feelings, 21st August). So....I may feel awful but I am not awful, for example.

I feel like I am drowning but I am not drowning because I know that I can swim. I need buoyancy aids (medication, decent food, exercise, a good friend) but I know that eventually I will swim through this rather murky, cold sea and find a calm lake where I can rest. (Psalm 23 comes to mind for those of a religious persuasion...)

I hope that whatever you are feeling today you can take comfort from the fact that there are others feeling it to and that you are part of a Moodscope community that genuinely cares about your wellbeing.

So I send a friendly wave from this part of the world...

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Molly Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 2:12am

Keep Swimming BrumMum - hugs xx

The Gardener Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 6:49am

Hello Brum Mum, keep saying 'I will live'. this morning is SO awful - can't help knowing the date because of Princess Diana - our youngest daughter is 50 today, and we are estranged. Money problems accrue - Mr G has become incontinent - I have mountains of washing to process - it's raining - now he's yelling at me - must go.

Lexi Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 1:01pm

Sending you a big hug TG. xo Lexi

Deborah Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 7:11am

wave and a hug xx

Gillian Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 7:47am

Hi What you have written has made me cry. It sums up exactly how things are sometimes. I am currently going through the tears for no reason stage hoping that my sea will become a lake eventually. Keep going sister.

Ach UK Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 7:59am

Hi Brum Mum , I have a friend who many years ago took part in a 5 person team Channel swim. Perhaps Moodscope might be a bit like the safety boat, or inflatable dinghy, on a Channel swim,- there's always someone in the water, someone waiting for their turn in the water and someone climbing out to be wrapped up in warm towels and fed :)). Tides and conditions vary and some swimmers have a harder time than others. Sometimes your stint is in sunshine and the currents are with you but other times its cold and you struggle to make headway.
I see lots of buoyancy aids in the Moodscope boat all different colours and sizes to fit the Moodscope team and encouragement and throw-ropes to help us if we need a hand.
Need an artist to produce a picture now lol.
Take your time B.M. tread water, swim on your back a bit, that beautiful blue lagoon will come along soon.

Orangeblossom Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 8:02am

Thinking of you! Thanks for the blog BrumMum.You appear to be taking Marmaldegirl's suggestion to heart to N.E.D. Never Give Up; Encourage Others; Do Your Best. I think that on Moodscope we all seem to do this.

The Gardener Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 8:33am

Sorry BrumMum - your drowning analogy - this morning I just feel that I've been thrown in deep water with a stone round my neck - no hope of getting out. But lovely people around me - but things have taken such a down turn I am finding my well of energy and determination nearly empty. I shall go and tend raspberry canes - therapeutic in that had a super crop this year and if I give them the TLC they need they may reward me next year - the great thing about gardening is that you are doing it FOR the future. I think that even if not religious the 23rd Psalm, and certain prayers, St Richard, St Ignacius are comforting - another 'fount' for daily living is the AA 'charter' (a son gave me one, not for me, might come!) it is full of wisdom. I wish you whatever joy you can get from the day. xxx

the room above the garage Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 5:50pm

Sending love TG, you may not easily get out of where you are but I'm glad we have a little route in. Your daughter will think of you today as you will her. The thoughts will meet somewhere up there. As Dory says (in Finding Nemo - if you haven't watched it you need to, its funny) "just keep swimming". Love ratg x.

Tychi's Mum Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 8:35am

Hi Brum Mum,
Thank you for writing this blog and for letting us into your world as it is at the moment. I love the way you desribe trying to swim your way to a calm lake.
I have just come through an especially tough low period that was almost four weeks long. I am now at my "high" phase which means that I'm running on adrenaline and very sleep deprived. You could say that I'm on my way to the calm of the lake. I've got through the stormy seas and the waters are becoming calmer...I can see the lake ahead of me. I'm nearly there...
Sending you all hugs and hoping that if you're having a particularly tough day you can find a buoyancy aid to keep you swimming on the surface and, if not moving forward, at least, treading water.

Sue Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 10:57am

Thank you BrumMum, no we are not alone in our problems. Just coming through one myself and now seeing the lake feels so good again. Kept telling myself 'this too will pass' and know the shore is there when we can find it. Take care, hope you swim again soon.

Bearofliddlebrain Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 11:48am

Hi BrumMum,
Waving Bear paws at you from the lifeboat and please know that there are many of us who will throw you a life belt when you need it.
Wishing everyone calm seas and soft waves breaking on the shore today....ah, can almost hear gulls cry and smell the salty sea air......wishIwasthereatthewater'sedge.comxxx
Love Bear xxx

Molly Fri, Sep 1st 2017 @ 7:20pm

love this xx

Lexi Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 1:00pm

Waving back from Chicago! xo Lexi

Geoff Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 1:09pm

Thanks for sharing Brum Mum. Sending you a bug "Wave" from East Yorkshire!

Phillippa Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 2:13pm

Waving back at you from my life raft in South Birmingham!!

the room above the garage Thu, Aug 31st 2017 @ 5:46pm

Hello BM, waving back :-) What I like most about your blog is that you are clearly in a position of awareness and that is, for me, one of the biggest and best tools to whack my depression with. To just 'know' it's upon you is armour in itself. Thank you for writing, it's hopefully cathartic and leads by example of how not being in control but also being in control can run side by side. I wish your drowning feeling to be as short as possible whilst recommending you keep it until it's ready to go. Good to see you, love ratg x.

Eva Fri, Sep 1st 2017 @ 8:02am

Hi BM, sometimes treading water is enough :) hope you reach the shore soon, waving

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