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Trust that the fog will clear. Sunday November 9, 2014

Yesterday I was reflecting on something that had happened in counselling during the morning. My counsellor had mentioned something about my decision to end my relationship and about it being a permanent state. I shed a few tears at this point but was unable to pinpoint why. It played on my mind a bit throughout the day as I couldn't really understand my reaction. I am happy with my decision, I do not want to reverse it, I see no future for us. So why does the thought of divorce and the finality of everything reduce me to tears?

Driving to work this morning I had a moment of clarity. It was foggy this morning on the roads and I could only see the immediate space my car was occupying on the road. I was unable to see into the distance. Yet I didn't panic, I knew the road so could anticipate what was up ahead, I obviously had to drive carefully because of not being able to track other cars on the road but other than that I trusted in my knowledge of the road to not be phased by the fog.

My clarity this morning came from realising that it is not the decision to end the relationship that triggered the tears, it was the uncertainty of what lies ahead. It's a road I haven't been down before so I can't anticipate what is coming up. It's like the new road is foggy, just like my drive to work. All I can see right now is my immediate surroundings, and it feels unnerving to not know what is further up the road. Sometimes it's exciting not knowing, feeling a sense of anticipation, but then the realisation that it's not a book I'm reading but my actual life can sometimes make me want to turn back down the road where I've come from.

Just like driving in the fog on the trusted road to work, I need to learn to tune into my instinct and to trust in myself as I begin to journey down unfamiliar territory. That's what I would have done had I driven a different route to work this morning. I would have travelled slowly, looking all around me as hard as I could to be aware of where I was, I would have drawn upon my knowledge of driving codes, knowledge of the area and trusted in my instincts. But, whatever road I was on, the fog would have cleared from the immediate space and that is all that matters. That the space where I exist, the here and now, is all I need to be able to focus on. The fog will clear as I get there, I don't need to be able to see what's there until I arrive there. So it was a lesson in living for the moment and not being afraid of not being able to see what awaits further down the road.

A Moodscope member.

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Hopeful One Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 7:27am

Dearest Rosie- you are ,in my opinion ,doing absolutely the right thing as you drive through your fog created by your decision to quit an irretrievable relationship and literally as you drove to work by concentrating on looking through the windscreen in front of you you and not focusing on the rear view mirror other than to check the motorist behind you was not driving to close ! I have stuck a tiny red dot on my windscreen slightly right of my line of sight . It was put there to help me locate my sat nav accurately . I call it my 'Zen 'dot . Whenever my eye catches it ,I check if my mind has wandered off from the act of driving and bring it back to the present moment. . Try it . You will be surprised and probably pleased with the result.

Anonymous Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 7:39am

A zen dot.
That sounds like a great idea and I'm going to think about how I might use that in my life, I don't use sat nav but there must be another way it can bring me back! :-)
Doing fabulously Rosie, I like to think of fog as candy floss or cotton wool. Instant happy feeling! :-D
Love from the room above the garage.

Julia Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 9:11am

You are brave Rosie to be certain that ending the relationship is the right one. So often people hang onto unhealthy relationships for fear of the unknown if they were to end it. I did this. Not a marriage I hasten to add but a long relationship which for years was harming me mentally. I clung onto it as I wanted to be in control when it ended but I never was and it took a very strong minded person, close to me , who forced me to end it. From that day, the fog lifted and I wished I had ended the relationship years before I did. Re reading your blog, I have picked up on your words "unfamiliar territory" and I know what you mean. Our choices are endless once we have permanently shed the familiar which is harming us. I really wish you well in your foggy journey but the sun will shine through sooner than you think and burn away all that uncertainty.

Laura Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 10:19am

Oh my goodness Rosie. Your post was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I too am very emotional and in a panic about the road ahead, not due to a relationship but something else, and your post really spoke to me. I have been thrown by fog and feel very uncertain about what lies ahead but will practice relaxing into the moment and try and cultivate trust in my ability to navigate the road. Thank you x

Diane Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 10:50am

Thankyou, apt for me too

Judith Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 1:12pm

I left my husband a year ago and was totally panicked by the thought of living by myself - something I'd never done before.I made small steps and tried to build confidence in being able to make decisions and organise my life for myself.I even took courage and ate in a restaurant on my own - also a new experience.Now I'm very happy and life is good.Have faith in yourself. and keep looking ahead.

Anonymous Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 1:46pm

Does anyone out there think of going to see the person who married them before making life changing decisions? Or re-reading their marriage vows? Marriage is hard work and requires patience and forgiveness, particularly when the romance is rubbing off a bit and reality sets in! Can the extended family, who, at the marriage ceremony, promised to help in difficult time come forward? Or were they too dewy-eyed at the time to notice what they were promising?
Counsellors need to be very careful what messages they may be sending out to people who are very vulnerable. Agreed, if health and wellbeing of both parties and their children is at risk, it is time to seriously begin to call it a day. A breaking home is more unhealthy for children than a broken home. But for the sake of society please go to an impartial party for help. Solicitors are raking it in!

Julia Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 2:30pm

With all due respect Anonymous 1.46, I don't think Rosie's blog today is about whether or not she had made the right decision, nor was it about marriage and solicitors. One person has come forward to talk about how happy she is with life after she left her husband but no-one is doubting their decisions. I am interested to know why you took the time and trouble to write in this way. I am certain there will be Moodscope members who have stayed married through thick and thin but those who decided enough is enough and leave are just as brave and deserve credit and encouragement in their lives ahead. I think you will agree with this and I'm sorry if I have misinterpreted what you were trying to say.

Anonymous Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 7:33pm

Love the idea for the dot to keep focused and what a lovely thought, replacing the image of fog with something more positive! Candy floss is working for me! Rosie x

Anonymous Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 7:35pm

Thankyou Julia for your affirmation and offer of hope for the future! I relate to so much of your experience. Rosie xx

Anonymous Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 7:37pm

Lovely to hear that your small steps built up to take you in a direction that has left you feeling happier. Well done for having the courage and bravery Rosie xx

Anonymous Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 7:56pm

Hi anonymous 1.46, I am a little confused about your response as it doesn't appear to be acknowledging the content of the blog. Your response, unless I have misinterpreted it appears to be making assumptions about actions that I could have taken before ending my marriage. I am not sure where in the blog I addressed the reason for the marriage breakdown or indeed how and why I came to make the decision. My blog is about not being fearful of the future, about living in the moment. Rosie x

Anonymous Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 8:07pm

Get cultivating that inner trust and good luck on your journey. Rosie x

Victoria Sun, Nov 9th 2014 @ 8:14pm

Hi Rosie. I'm in the middle of a divorce currently and it is hard. I had plans for a life and those will never happen in the same way. That's scary. It's not fog for me. It's like clinging to a ledge and knowing that I can't hold on but scared of what will happen if I let go. It was the right decision but scary none the less. Good luck to you. If I let go, maybe I can fly.
Anonymous 1.46 not everyone getting divorced is Kim Kardashian or Britney Spears. A lot of thought went into my separation and subsequent divorce. But we both deserve better lives than we were giving each other. Best wishes.

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