Not long ago, I wanted a bit of a transformation of my personal self and a transition in my working life. Without intention, the second has happened... but through real sadness for me as my caring role came to an end overnight with the sudden and very untimely and unexpected death of my employer.

I did this role for nearly 4 years in total as it gave me a difference to my self employment and was a steady income. I had a two week holiday and came back rested and refreshed but I wasn't looking forward to it. The morning of my return he passed away – I was there on the phone to the paramedics trying to help to no avail. I still have not processed it fully. Overnight, I lost my employer and my friend, was made redundant and his dog was re-homed and I miss both of them. A big part of my life three times a week for nearly 3 years, and prior to that, a couple of times a week for nearly a year.

But it's not a poor me status. It's made me realise that you really have to grab life by the balls and go for things. My friend had so many things he wanted to do. I promised him a ride in our trike when it was on the road, and thought we could go for a drive in our open top. We had so many more adventures to have. I was looking for another role as I wanted a change but we would have still seen each other and had a different kind of fun, without me working for him. I feel guilty even thinking this.

I threw myself headlong into organising and taking his funeral – a first for me – and it went very well... but there were other things that I went over and beyond for (because I cared) and my mental health took an absolute nosedive for a while... whilst still trying to hold it together. I

n between that, I had two other services, one an incredibly intense one for another young man also gone too soon. I had so many calls to field – technology became my enemy as I was literally flooded with texts, messages, phone calls – as well as having to inform people - about his death.

The emotional tide has now surpassed and the service was wonderful and life affirming but I will never be over this. A chapter of my life has ended abruptly and many are left without a friend including me, and are hurting and I tried my best to be there for them, despite being more than a bit broken myself. I went over and above what was required and it took its toll for a while. But how I wish I had a time machine and could go back and tell him that I am so glad that we had this time together and how much he was and is loved. Seize the day people.

Liz

A Moodscope member.