Topsy Turvy

Tuesday July 7, 2020

My feelings are all topsy turvy at the moment. I’m trying really hard to live in the moment but it’s so hard with all the concerns and unknowns. What do we look forward to when we don’t know what we’re going to be allowed to do and when we can do things? How do I deal with these feelings when I can’t do my usual rituals?

I would be looking forward to having a hot chocolate and teacake in the cafe in Waterstones, on my own, people watching and occasionally dipping into my book or the paper, or jotting down ideas for my novel. But this is hard to look forward to now... will we be able to go to the cafe? Will I feel guilty picking up books that the staff will then have to clean? Will I even feel comfortable going back onto a shop?

So really, it is better to try and stay in the moment. I’m trying really hard to observe my feelings, sit with them, acknowledge that they are feelings that will pass and they are not me, try not to get sucked into the familiar place of self criticism. I am trying but there’s no release. The world seems so crazy at the moment. I’m questioning my own thoughts and motives. I always try to be good and do the right thing, I’m told that the best way to deal with this virus and the unclear rules is to use your common sense, you’ll do the best with the knowledge you have. But when you are used to questioning yourself so much and assuming you’ve done or said the wrong thing, this isn’t the easiest motive to follow.

I’ll keep trying, using the tools that work to calm me... my yoga, walking, reading, listening to music, mindful breathing, writing, sleeping, talking and allowing a slow and steady meet up for walks with friends again.

A Moodscope member

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