5

April

To see ourselves

Tuesday April 5, 2022


O would some Power the gift to give us
To see ourselves as others see us!
(Robbie Burns, To A Louse)
 
A friend and blogger here, Mary Wednesday, really stumped me recently. We have some personal style work to do and as such she suggested I come up with twenty things that I bring to any situation.
 
Fine, I thought. Anger, dissatisfaction, inability to suffer fools gladly, impatience and so forth.
 
No, she said. Twenty positive things.
 
Positive? That’s a different kettle of fish. Twenty? I thought. TWENTY? I can’t think of any. She helped me out with one that came across as a complete surprise to me.
 
Loyalty is one. I am, apparently, loyal to an extraordinary degree. I have persevered with jobs that I didn’t like or that didn’t suit me for long periods. I had thought that was fear of change or managing with less money but apparently that can count as loyalty.
 
I also recall with shame the times I have not been loyal, have left friends in the lurch, have not done things I should. I don’t feel that loyalty is one of my strengths. I am sure I’m wrong but it doesn’t feel like it.
 
Also, if I am incredibly loyal then I hate to think what disloyal people look like.
 
I couldn’t think of other positive things, and still can’t (but don’t tell Mary).
 
So why can’t I see in me what others can? Why am I so self-negative? Are we all like this?
 
In my case, my upbringing was that first was acceptable, anything else not. Also, we should never brag. I remember (at age 9) saying that I was better at batting than bowling and my mother tearing me off a terrific strip saying I shouldn’t boast but say I preferred batting. I tried explaining with averages and so forth but to no avail. It was therefore easier for me to say nothing. So I didn’t. I’ve  drifted through life being surprised at the things I am ‘good’ at as to me they seem basic.
 
I hate the navel gazing that accompanies job interviews as I can’t appreciate the good stuff I’ve done. I still can’t.
 
And I have to give Mary twenty words. And I don’t know where to start.
 
Errr ….. help? Just between us? Please?
 
But shh. Not a word to her.

Alex
A Moodscope member.

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