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The two of me. Tuesday October 4, 2016

Yes, really there are two of me!

Just every now and again I will see the other me, who I call Penelope (as I always wished my parents would have noticed at birth that I was a true Penelope, a girl who would be adored and loved by all who met her, a dazzling shiny sort of girl who could only succeed at life.)

I am called Maud named after my grandmother because that's what sometimes happened in those days; you had to carry the name of someone dear lest they were somehow forgotten!

It's not the name itself that's a problem as I'm sure there are a lot of lovely Maud's in the world, it's the picture it conjured up to me at a young age living amongst all the Isabel's Annabel's Caroline's and Alicia's all lovely dainty rainbow coloured names. I felt Maud was like a smudge of dark brown and grey puddles. I had grown up quite ordinarily, without any great talents. Not witty like the rainbow girls, not musical, not clever not anything really. A plodder my teachers had called me. Maud who plods, Maud who has nothing to say. Maud who lives in the deepest shadows of herself.

Yet there is someone else within, there is Penelope, the one who dances on the horizon with the long auburn hair and floaty dress, who laughs a lot and is loved by all. The girl who can chat easily and enjoy her life.

There she is now just standing there behind me in the mirror putting on her lipstick over my shoulder, ready to go out and be a bright Penelope sort of person. I turn around and she, for the first time looks at me and actually seems to see me.

I am waiting for her to glance away and walk past me as usual, but instead she smiles and takes my hand and says 'come with me Maudie, come with me to the party on the horizon and we can dance in the sunlight!' I smile back and suddenly it's as if my eyes have been opened to the world.

I find myself feeling lighter and lighter as we walk away together into the bright day ahead.

We are both smiling, both staring up at the flock of brown and beige birds flying overhead, wings flapping in unison, squawks echoing into the clouds.

They disappear as I watch them fly far away into the distance until they are specks. Then they are gone.

We start twirling round and round, our floaty dresses swishing together as we dance under glistening rainbow.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Pennie-Lynn Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 7:05am

Maud is not a common name where I live (west coast of Canada), but there is a famous 19th-century writer, Lucy Maud Montgomery, who wrote Anne of Green Gables. When I hear the name "Maud", I picture someone who is intelligent, fiercely independent, and never holds back.

On a personal level, when I was 13, I chose to go by Pennie-Lynn, the name on my birth certificate, instead of the "Pennie" that everyone had used. It was a reinvention of sorts.

I think our souls will always have a different name than the one we are given at birth, a name that only we are ever able to give to ourselves.

Audrey Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 8:55am

Dear Pennie-Lynn I do so agree that to ourselves, our 'soul name' can be so much more meaningful than our birth name. Thank you for your lovely comments about Lucy Maud Montgomery, I love Anne of Green Gables. Have a lovely day. x

Barbara Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 7:24am

That's really beautiful. Those brown and beige birds have flown. You are a writer, yes? Yes you are. Xx B

Audrey Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 8:31am

Hello Barbara, I am not a writer but I love writing thanks you for your lovely comment. x

LP Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 7:46am

What a wonderful piece of writing Jayne!
I went by my middle name for a while at school, wishing my name was common so that I'd fit in! I came to embrace it later in life. Keep twirling, dancing and shining and thankyou for the inspiration to join in! Light and love to all LPxxx

Audrey Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 8:33am

Hello LP Thank you for your reply, would you be able to tell me your name? I am definitely a Penelope inside!

LP Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 11:38pm

It's so unusual I'd wonder if someone reading linked to work knows me and I'm very open about the stress and poor management there. If Caroline doesnt mind she might share it with you! It's a pretty name if a tad twee! :)) xx

Sarah yellow rose Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 7:52am

Hi Jayne, I really enjoyed reading your post, especially Penelope with the long auburn hair, I had long auburn hair as a child and got teased about it, if only I could tell my younger self that Maud thinks it's great! Thanks for you thought provoking writing. S

Audrey Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 8:38am

Thank you Sarah, I do actually have Auburn hair and was also teased at school but now its very 'in!'I'm sure some people are sometimes envious when they see somebody a bit'different' and can be rather cruel! Have a happy day.x

DAVE Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 7:53am

Hi Penelope,
The third person Maud, does she also know Jayne ? and what relationship does she have with you ? Or have I misunderstood ?

"Sticks and Stones will break my Bones, but names will never hurt me".
A book cannot describe from its title, or by the look of its sleeve, exactly what is contained therein !

We are all beautiful individuals, in the likeness of our God, we look, see, think, and act differently, WE'ER unique......NO matter what we are called, (I've been called many names, some unprintable in my earlier life).
Some of us are truly beautiful, handsome, some are bald, and different on the outside.

But what really lies beneath no one knows. Accept Jayne, Maud, Penelope.

25 years old, having had 15 different jobs, frustrated, no GCE's no experience or college training, my parents had just divorced, their I was Bipolar depressive, scared and very much alone in my thoughts, although 3 years married, I was sacked from a barman's job.

I was at a low, but determined.

I went to Plymouth for an interview, bedraggled I had a beard, clean but scruffy in appearance.
The manager who was interviewing me, suddenly stopped talking as there were footsteps outside the window of the corridor.
"Please excuse me", he said, (I had immagined that he had been becond by the person in the corridor.

As he left the room, I shot up, and listened at the door of the room he had just entered....I heard these words......"Get rid of him, that scruffy looking bugger", came another voice....Infuriated, I knocked upon the door, and said, "How dare you attach those words to my name, you don't even know me", "do you always judge a book from its cover before reading it", I said angry...."I'll tell you what I'm prepared to do, I said, I'll take this salesman's job, (selling Cash Registers), and if in 3 months, I fail, you can sack me or I'll leave without any detriment, or repercussions".

They gave me the job, 6 months later, 3 Managers including this Regional Manager, 'blitzed' my sales territory.
They caught up with me, I, having just sold and installing a Cash Register, I said to him, "Don't forget my commission, if you sell any machines on my patch".
They caused quite a stir, in the village,4 people in a brand new 'E' type Bright yellow Jaguar. This was in 1969, in Somerton Somerset England.
Back at sales meeting Friday, I spoke to this Regional Manager, " OK what have you sold", I said....Oh we've got a few interested people he said....Ah but what have you actually sold, "well nothing yet" was his reply.

I put down the paperwork and continued into the meeting...There came a very loud shout from the RM's office Young! He's said. I carried on as if I had not heard him.....
He appeared in the meeting of 6 other salesmen....."You bastard", (one of my earlier names)... I had sold 3 Cash Regustered in Somerton.

I said aloud , remember what I said 6 months ago..."Never judge a book by its cover ! !

Well Penelope, Jayne, or Maud, you're just as beautiful, in the sight of Your God...Lift and hold you head up high, you're the tops". And loved by us Moodscopers ! !

Dave X

Audrey Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 8:57am

Hello Dave, there is no third person they are all one. Thank you for your lovely reply and comments you are a very kind person. I admire you. Have a happy day x

Orangeblossom Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 8:06am

Hi Jayne, growing up as a child I used to wish my name began with the letter N. I was given a name that was "hand me down name" after a cousin who died the year before I was born. However, my Dad spelt Zareen with a double e in the middle instead of an i. It is old fashioned, and some people mispronounce it. Your story completely resonated for me. However, for me I have come to realise that accepting my given name is part of accepting myself, a long slow on-going process.

Audrey Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 8:49am

Hello Zareen, I completely understand your comments, we are named with love but sometimes can see ourselves with different characteristics which seem to belong to another quite different name! Yours is quite beautiful.

Andrew Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 9:10am

Hi Jayne...I expect you know this already, but Maud is of German origin, and means 'powerful battler' - Mathilde/Mathilda/Hilda are all close variants. I suspect that the Maud in you has had to face a few battles in your time, as your post suggests. But you are clearly strong, and that is what has helped you. And as for talents, well, writing is a huge talent which you appear to have in bucket loads - I loved your blog! Beautifully written with powerful images - thank you for sharing!

Leah Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 10:17am

Maud, Penelope, Jayne Audrey,
I am not sure which name to use and am a bit confused. A delightful piece of writing. I wanted to have a more common name because when i was little there was never a story with my name or I couldnot buy something with my name on it.
As I grew up I liked having a different name and I actually resented my name becoming more common!!
I must admit I told my children if they did not like their names they could change them. After all , another person names us but we must live with that name for life.
Thanks agin whichever name you use, you are a talented writer and a caring person.

Mary Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 11:08am

I totally understand what you feel, I also change my name in high school, and feel more myself with my nickname. It's cool to know I'm not the only one. Have a nice day.

Mary Wednesday Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 11:23am

Fabulous writing, Maud Penelope Jayne! I can just see your gossamer skirts flying as you twirl under a multi-hued sky!

Lex Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 10:44pm

Have to echo "Mary the Writer's" comment. This really is wonderful prose... and the skirts just flow. You are awesome xx

Matthew Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 2:15pm

My sister in law changed her first name legally to the one she wished she had. Her husband was fine with it and after a few initial raised eyebrow everyone accepted it and uses it. Her "correct" name really does suit her better.

The Gardener Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 4:37pm

Lovely evocative stuff. In the 16th century here there was a vogue for calling boys Bonventure - after an obscure Saint whose remains had been desecrated by Protestants AND Catholics. I suffer, like so many, with a Christian name which had a great vogue for a few years, then became deservedly unpopular. It dates you, utterly. My Mum, born in the first decade of the 20th century shared the name Florence - and hers sisters were also dated by Elsie, Ethel,Maisie, Vera, Dot, Winnie - a great friend here suffers (and forgets except for official purposes) that she was landed with Winifreda. I've never wanted to change my name. Wanted to be tiny and delicate and wear frilly dresses as a child, and to be tall, svelte and have an elegant chignon as an adult - neither came to pass. What I WOULD have liked was to have been a well-to-do Victorian lady, and sit in the drawing while the maid or butler said 'Madame is not at home'. One had one's 'At Home' day of course. Yet life was not all honey - in so many novels the dear ladies had trouble with 'Cook'.

The Gardener Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 4:45pm

Leah - no wish to insult - was your name rather a favourite with the slaves in the deep South of the USA? I also thought it was biblical, but my knowledge shaky, and done enough googling for one day.

Leah Wed, Oct 5th 2016 @ 12:55am

Gardener , In the bible she was plain but fertile mother of many children! I don't know about the slave connection. Shirley used to be a man's name . Take care.xx

Duma Tue, Oct 4th 2016 @ 5:07pm

I use a 'handle', Duma.

I don't want to be Duma, it's just an expediently translatable word, one that makes me hard to find online (a 'googleFlood'- that is, a search term, that'll keep 'the nosy' busy, searching through millions of near-misses) making me a needle in the haystack that is the internet.

But, for me Duma is just a name.

What's in a name?

I like Maud, it has a little of the 'dust of history' about it.

Yours, Barry John Kay (Duma).

Nicco Sat, Oct 8th 2016 @ 5:02pm

Oh, how your blog resonated with me, Jayne! I was given three foreign names because my mother was not British, and was dreadfully bullied for both those facts back in the 60s and 70s. Once I went out to work I just told everyone an abbreviated version of my name so that's what I became. However, when a few colleagues found out my real name they loved it and thought it exotic! How tastes change over time! I still shudder if I hear my full birth name spoken to me (such as at the dentist, doctor, etc), but I am gradually getting more used to it as it is a name more heard of these days, thanks to a certain tv advert. It's extraordinary how names can affect us and, because of this, I didn't name my daughter how I really wanted for fear she would go through what I went through at school. When she finally went to school there was a big Italian community there and no one batted an eyelid at all the unusual names and today, I'm told, lots of parents go out of there way to seek out or make up very unusual names for their children as they prefer them to be unique rather than something more well-known. Thank you again for your blog - I'm glad you, Maude Penelope Jayne, have flown free with your beautiful swirling skirts and gorgeous auburn hair - I hope you have done it with a pen and lots of paper in your hand for you are definitely a great writer! Perhaps you could find a writing group in your local area where you could let your creative side flow and flourish even more. My best wishes to you.

Audrey Tue, Oct 18th 2016 @ 9:11am

Hello Nicco, thank you for your lovely comments. I hope you are now proud of your name and all it stands for you sound like a wonderful thoughtful person.

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