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The three Marriages of Life. Friday June 26, 2015

"In the midst of a seemingly endless life, however, we can spend so much time attempting to put bread on the table or holding a relationship together that we often neglect the necessary internal skills which help us pursue, come to know, and then sustain a marriage with the person we find on the inside." David Whyte

I just love this quote.

The type of work I do takes me in to organisations and families who have asked me in (I don't do tenders – that places money before morals – I only work where invited).

They would like to reduce stress and become more coherent as a group of human beings ie. human-doings that many people feel in work – or more aligned as a family to reduce hurt and disturbance.

The challenge is, most of us will have what David Whyte would call 3 marriages in our lives and the most important one, with the person inside, we'll leave to last - if at all.

We all know the 'marriage' to work and most of us will know the 'marriage' to a partner.
The latter can suffer due to the 'marriage' to work and in the IQ world we'll talk (falsely) about 'work/life' balance – a very divisive phrase which pitches work against home, when in actual fact work is a part of life – not interfering with it!

I once refused to do a 'Work/Life' balance event in Spain (global Plc) – I did do it, after they changed it to 'Life Balance'.

Until we have become comfortable and have gone 'in' to explore and know and control ourselves, how can we possibly bring ourselves fully to either of the work or partner marriages?

I would offer that most human discomfort falls out of us not truly knowing, understanding and controlling ourselves!

This means being emotionally intelligent (EQ) far more than it does cognitively intelligent (IQ), as well as being physically intelligent (PQ) and spiritually intelligent (SQ).

To Live – PQ – Human Living
To Learn – IQ – Human Doing
To Love – EQ – Human Being
To Leave a Legacy – Being Human

Most of my own depressive illness was in the EQ & SQ area– drugs did not help me PQ and IQ were fine.

I had to 'inscape' to really find out who I was BEFORE I could have a sustainably happy personal relationship or find my true vocation.

Have you found your vocation?

Have you found that true marriage to self – where all happiness actually starts?

The amount you know and love yourself is the exact amount you can love anyone else.

A Moodscope member.

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Anonymous Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 6:41am

Hello Les, you've given me a lot to chew on and I have a million questions about a particular angle of this. But for now I will chew on it and mull it over. I'm learning and that's the important bit and so I thank you, lovd ratg x.

The Entertrainer Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 8:18am

Ha ha, Les, I'm off to Relate!!!

Rupert Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 8:23am

Les I am afraid that once you start using equations you start losing me - I am afraid that I really dont know my PQ from my EQ! Rupert

Hopeful One Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 8:47am

Hi Les- I have always claimed that the happiest people I met were those who were happy at work and happy at home. Sadly these were few and far between. Most I found were either happy at work and unhappy at home or happy at home and unhappy at work. The presence of those two were the main contributors to the third-happiness with oneself.

On a different tack.. Is there not a a danger of 'paralysis by analysis' by all these PQs ,IQs ,SQ's and EQ's which will only feed the depression loop by creating a sense of failure as one cannot satisfy them all?

Julia Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 8:48am

I like the concept of the "person inside" and think this is the real us but we easily lose sight of this core of our personality. We don't need to control this but bring it out into the open more. Once we have found it! I have read your blog once Les and this is what I have taken from it. I am not sure if I am comfortable with the idea of controlling ourselves however. Are you talking about controlling aspects of ourselves which might be perceived as destructive in a marriage? I am not sure who would be the best person to point out controlling behaviour in a partner.Maybe as Lex says, a third party like Relate?

Mary Blackhurst Hill Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 9:16am

Wise words indeed Les. I always like the quotation "to know yourself is the beginning of all wisdom" Without knowing there can be no loving. Another quote I like is "To know all is to forgive all." - another step closer to self-acceptance and the reconciliation of self to self and internal harmony.

Charlie Bransden Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 10:02am

Had to read it a few times, bit above my head, but brilliant all the same.

Leah Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 10:35am

thanks for sharing your ideas.

The amount you know and love yourself is the exact amount you can love anyone else.
I have a problem with that statement. I love my children, my partner and friends far more than I love myself. What is this statement based on? Maybe I am strange , but that's me.
Thanks again for making me think.

Anonymous Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 10:51am

Thank goodness it's not just me!!

Anonymous Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 10:58am

Wow Les, what a thought-provoking blog! See my comment above under Rupert's: it is far above me and I have read it twice! I don't mean to be rude, but my head hurts - but, I am determined to have another go at reading it later this afternoon!
I am not sure I agree with your last sentence I know I am far more loving towards others - especially my husband and daughter - than to myself...!
I will try again later today, but thank you for getting this liddie bear's braincells working! Karen x

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 1:15pm


Chew on kindred spirit.........personal development and constant learning - especially about ourselves the for sure.......The Road Less Travelled.....and where open vulnerable dialogue (not debate) leads us to greater understanding of ourselves and others......

Learning only takes place outside our comfort zone..........

How many seek comfort?
How many seek discomfort? (not pain.....just like learning to ride a bike.....the desire 'want to' to achieve something new......even self discovery....?

Therein will be revealed to ourselves.

Les x

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 1:16pm

Aye - Lex - the question is, for which marriage?

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 1:24pm

Hi Rupert and Anon

Physical health = PQ.....give yourself a score out of 10 for your physical health - intuitively.....
IQ - you know and unfortunately its 'school' that gives you that score which they 'measure' your career ability
EQ - Emotional intelligence - your ability to know, be aware of and control self while also understanding and relating to others is FAR more important than your IQ.......
SQ - Spiritual Intelligence....SQ (Spiritual Quotient) – is the ability to see the bigger picture – to realise that every action has some form of reaction – and that everything on the planet is actually connected.
This is our wisdom intelligence, that which makes us, our
families, our communities, or our organisations, whole and

Does that help in any way.........?

"There is an Indian Belief that everyone is in a house of four rooms: A physical, a mental, an emotional and a spiritual. Most of us tend to live in one room most of the time, but unless we go into every room everyday, even if only to keep it aired, we are not complete." Rumer Godden

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 1:41pm


I believe you will be happy at both home and work if you are happy 'within' you will have chosen both for a reason....your reason....and it could even be you work simply for money...and you'll be OK about that - as it is your you will not moan about it or get upset......

So I would offer the thought that the first happiness you should seek to find in with precedes the other two........or danger awaits.

'Paralysis by Analysis'.......the blogs I do, as you will have seen are often very different......some heartfelt vulnerable poems and others like this.

Because everyone is different....and to do the same type of blog each time will simply attract the same people to say the same things........

Your 'paralysis by analysis' could be someone else's you may see from some comments today.....

Just like there is no one thing that causes depression....which in the past you have indicated.....which I believe is if someone who is SO vulnerable sees this and thus thinks poorly of add to their burden. And hey .... I could have seen that as a greater 'paralysis' it seems to be kinda set in stone for you.........?

And who says you cannot satisfy them all? You....others......certainly not all...?

The greatest leaders that changed the world did.....Gandhi - Mandela - JC - ML King........... at least aimed for it.........they were not paralysed .....and also easily accepted their human vulnerability......

Only the road to Nirvana exists....not Nirvana itself......

"Leaders who fail to encourage differing opinions will be replaced by those who do."

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 1:53pm

Hi Julia

Its not about the negative aspect of is so often the case.

Its about being far more self aware of what triggers your emotions and not allowing them to knock you off balance.

Its that ability to either avoid situations you know will trigger you or to develop yourself to the stage that they no longer trigger you - in many ways to mature past what we grew up with as kids......

In effect its like riding a initially put stabilisers on to in effect hold your balance.....and slowly you learn to take them off. Same kinda stuff with can you help yourself control your emotions and then the triggers simply pass by without effect.

If you have a loving marriage and your are not co-dependant and thus free of each other and want to be together and not need to be together.....there is a feedback way which is very positive....SBI.....Situation - Behaviour - Impact...

Check out....

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 1:57pm

I'm with you Mary........all the way.

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 1:59pm

Hi Charlie

I smiled at that one.....hope you got something.........

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 2:06pm

Hi Leah

You will likely be loving enough to ensure your children and partner feel loved.......

My offering would be - the level that you believe in yourself - your self confidence or self esteem....will also be the level that they themselves 'feel'.....if you wish for them to have more self confidence....which of course you may not - I do not know - since the only person you can change is cannot 'tell' them to have more self can however let them feel what that is having it in yourself....or growing it in you want them to grow also.

Children only learn 3 ways....
Firstly example
Secondly example
Thirdly example...

Your legacy - is your example......not what you say - but who you are.

Which for me - is why the narrow IQ world fails......

The clever person (IQ) knows the answers....
The wise person (EQ&SQ) knows the questions....

Questions are always more important than the answers.........

I hope that offers some thoughts............?

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 2:16pm

Hi A (Bearofliddlebrain)

Maybe some of my replies to the comments may help......??

For sure we may differ on the last line..............what you are teaching them is that we can love others more than we love and feel comfortable and confident about ourselves......I would think that possibly they may say the same about their love for you.....??

If we are balanced about ourselves - in time of crisis - we can stay strong and serve be the rock that enables others to grow.

Keep challenging these brain cells.....their connections can also grow and develop......brain cells that fire together wire together.........just like human beings themselves......


Anonymous Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 4:53pm

SO true Les, and thank-you for reminding me of the Rumer Godden quote - really helpful. Good to see you are still around.

Les Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 8:58pm

Glad to that you are still of the best quotes for sure......just like our body, we need and should want to use it fully each day or it atrophies ..................


Anonymous Fri, Jun 26th 2015 @ 9:17pm

Yes! Onwards and upwards! I get it more now Les, thank you...I have gone through the replies to the other comments. Thank you for being so understanding to us all and what we were whittling about! I especially like your reply to me and Leah, above. Karen :) aka x

Anonymous Sat, Jun 27th 2015 @ 12:26am

I tend to agree with HO here. Although I don't think analysis causes paralysis, I'm not comfortable with the IQ, EQ's etc. I know what you mean, but I understand it without 'labelling' it which just makes me think of work, which I didn't enjoy. You are right about the whole sentiment of the blog. It's important to love one's self.

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