25

March

The laundry list in my closet

Thursday March 25, 2021


As I write this I am still somewhat perturbed by my psychiatrist. For most of my adult life I have cycled in and out of counselling, group therapy, and doctors offices; both family and psychiatric to wrestle with that demon depression. There were many medications since I was 18 and was diagnosed with "clinical depression," and am now 45, the labels have piled up. 

In December 2019 I was hospitalised for a suicide attempt. I went before a panel of white coats almost daily and we discussed all things pertaining to my history and mental health. Often the doctors would ask; ”How is it you haven't been here(in the psych hospital) before?! "I would curtly answer:" I am here now that is all that matters," knowing full well what they meant. How had my issues and life events not brought me to a psych ward before?!

I was placed on lithium and it seemed to be the super glue my frazzled fractured mind needed. Until it cost me a lot of my hair. I am not bald but I am vain as could be so I stopped and took another med in its place. 

Bipolar disorder was discussed and negated. "You don't fit the spectrum." I don't have an organisation of 3 months of high speed and then 2 months of depression and I am not a powerhouse of accomplishments when sleep becomes non existent, so I don't quite fit that mantra. 

Recently I picked up paperwork I had received from my "head doctor," and saw written under diagnosis: "Bipolar disorder," for the first time in my life. "Borderline personality disorder," was next. And I was shocked. How can I be so many things?! Especially if the old "clinical depression, now called "unipolar depression," still stands, along with CPTSD, anxiety and several specific phobias. 

So I made an appointment and am waiting, very fed up, that I am now a collection of labels that only seem to be accumulating. One of my questions is; “Can a diagnosis change or do they just get stacked up as per each doctor's opinion?!" 

In the past I have not responded well to medications typically used to treat bipolar disorder other than lithium, and I don't have a problem being bipolar but if they doctors could just make up their minds... about mine. 

It used to feel like, since I didn't see little green people everywhere I was not a high priority case for the mental health system and was simply dismissed. That did not work well either, as I wrote in my disability application; “I feel like I have been trying to do normal without normal ingredients." And in AA meetings, they say:”Normal is just a setting on your clothes dryer.' 

So I am willing to accept what is, once that which IS, is truly nailed down. I don't want to be one of each of the mental health laundry list, and who can blame me?! 

I am happy to tell you that although I might also have OCD, I did not hit one and two on my phone repeatedly while I waited on hold to make my next appointment. Haha. We can laugh or we can cry at life's calamities... and today I chose to laugh. This too shall pass. And be deciphered. Eventually. 

Bailey
A Moodscope member.

Joke: a man was diagnosed as terminally ill by his family doctor and given 6 months to live. "But doctor," the man protested. "I can't pay off my medical bills in such a short time!"
So the doctor gave him six more months.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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