The Family Re-onion

Thursday July 28, 2022

"Your thoughts about the problem are more of an issue than the problem," a counselor said to me once. She was later fired for yelling at clients, which was a problem.

"We choose our thoughts, we choose our feelings, and we choose our behaviour as a result of those thoughts and feelings," a Gestaltist told me. (Gestalt based counsellor, different from the first). So the trick is to change your mind even if the situation remains the same.

A gigantic family reunion has been planned and already "family," members are refusing to speak to each other on the app that checks reservations. At first I was hurt over being shunned but then "reframed it," as I learned in counsellor training: Why complain when the garbage takes itself out? And more so - why chase it? And I have hence renamed it the Family Re-onion. The way some of them are waters my eyes. 

Therapists have said that the dysfunctional family tree I come from has contributed to my mental demise. The abuse, betrayal, lack of support and so forth has not helped. But I am helping myself with better boundaries. I do not visit them anymore except my parents over the phone and by mail. And I have trained myself to rise from the little child forced to rely on abusers to the adult who does not. 

My older sister has told me several times:”You have had to deal with what no one has had to deal with." Meaning the ick in the family and the domestic abusers that I continued on with until two years ago when I declared myself single.

In the bigoted, redneck province and town I live in, I have also learned to navigate around unsavoury people. My mindset is:"fix it for me." Other people can do what they do, here is what I will do.

My rewording of the serenity prayer:

Help me to have the serenity to accept what I cannot change, which is most things and other people.

Help me to have the wisdom and courage to know what I can change about me so I can do better, and help me to know the difference so I don't waste any time and energy. 

And moodscope helps alot! Thank you all. 

A Moodscope member.

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