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Stormy bears. Sunday August 6, 2017

My son is emotionally up and down at the best of times. He is early teenage but his anger at feeling the world has conspired to be against his every move is something I could see from just after he arrived bottom-first into this world! Sometimes (most times) I have energy and patience to pick apart the problem and talk it out with him. He is so sensitive and the upside of his sensitivity is that he hugs like a bear saying goodbye forever and says "thanks for talking to me". But other times I have neither energy nor patience to search for the needle within the messy haystack. That's when we fall out. Shout. Scowl. Storm.

At those times its healthy to let it lie. Last night I lay in bed listening to him in his bed, in the dark, shouting about his problem. (It was a last-minute thing he wanted to do the next day and I'd said it was not possible.) When he stormed through from his room to mine, I started breathing heavier to pretend I was asleep. He ranted as he came in to my room, then noticed I'd signed out and grumped "I'll just tuck myself in then" as he stormed back out. Sure enough, within moments he was quiet in his bed, in the dark, making peace with the day. It was far more beneficial that for that time, we let it lie.

This is also true with ourselves.

Another way of being 'kind to yourself' (a phrase often lauded) is simply to realise when it is a good time to encourage yourself and when it is not. I know that might seem very basic but how often do you push yourself to do something only to do it in such a way that it is of no benefit at all? Gym? Diet? Sleep? Work longer?

Sometimes we need to let it lie.

Love from

The room above the garage
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:27am

The room above the garage - thank you so much for this blog and Caroline - thank you for choosing it at this time. It seems such a perfect proposition to us all at this juncture - let it lie . I like this phrase so much that I may hang it up somewhere to remind me not to dig or react when a conversation is a provocation or awakes wrong reaction leading downhill . And how did I find myself in the middle of a quarrel after asking an innocent question of somebody on the edge without realising it ? . Yes let it lie. Lets be gentle with each other . It is a full moon . I do feel the pull . Let it lie. Wise words. Thank you both.

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:29pm

What a lovely image I now have of a dancing hippo, gorgeous, I see a pink tutu... I'm happy it came at a good time for you, sounds like you needed it. Gentle, yes, always, love ratg x.

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 2:48pm

thank you the room .....but not pink , never pink , always purple - my favourite colour and a poem

The Gardener Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 3:09pm

Love it - when 6th grand-son was christened his brother (difficult) looked like being sent to bed. I could not bear it, nor could I interfere. I sat him on my lap, and started telling stories - still don't know where they came from. Hetty the Happy Hippo stole a curtain as a skirt and danced through the streets - Leo the Lazy Lion, the Giraffe who wanted to be small - then, Gordon the Goose who had the most incredible inventures

The Gardener Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 3:59pm

DP is the purple poem 'When I am old?'

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 9:10pm

that is the one . is there another ?

Pretty Peacock Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:44am

I agree, let it go, let it go, let it lie.....

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:50am

lovely moniker

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:50am


Pretty Peacock Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 2:05am

Thanks DH

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:29pm

More great names!

Molly Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 3:44am

Hi RATG - I am not very good at letting things lie, I prefer to get things out in the open until they have exhausted themselves and put themselves to bed (I sounded like your son there!) but generally (for adult content only) I cannot shy away from things and I am frustrated when others do. Rightly or wrongly, that is just me (probably won't make me any friends) but my motto is 'better out than in'. Molly xx

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:31pm

Hello Molly, me too, most of the time. And I think a bit of shouting is very cathartic! Love ratg x.

The Gardener Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 4:02pm

RATG I HATE shouting - my Pa shouted at my Ma all my young life till they split - Mr G shouts back - I lose my rag and shout - hate myself for lack of control

Molly Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 7:47pm

It can be RATG. Get things off one's chest ! Gardener, maybe we could go and scream at the top of a hill instead :-) xx

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 9:10pm

especially when there is an echo

Molly Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 9:13pm

Lol DH, cannot go anywhere without someone answering you back :-) xx

Marmaladegirl Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 6:55am

Wise words, RATG. Please forgive that I am about to 'piggy back' your blog and also maybe do the opposite to what you advise.... It's just there was a discussion earlier in the week about manipulative / controlling relationships. Yesterday I found a stone that someone I used to work with once gave me. On it is painted:
'Better to have loved and lost than live with the psycho the rest of your life.'

This made me smile and I hope it makes all those who shared their experiences of these relationships (or simply those who may have identified with what was said) smile too. Now I will 'Let it lie'!
All the best to you all, MG xx

Dolphin Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 10:45am

Hi MG - I LOVE the advice on the stone - made me laugh out loud. I will repeat it whenever I need it!! And now to RATG's blog. Something that came to my mind when I read it is that sometimes it might be an easier option for us to vent at another person than to go within ourselves. Certainly, when I still lived with my ex, I got so embroiled in the issues that I messed myself up even more and created a whole lot of hot air that certainly didn't help clear anything. Venting sometimes gave the appearance of getting something out in the open, but without helping especially since he seldom 'heard' what I said. I think your reaction to your son forced him away from the drama, whether he used the quiet created or not. My reply has been a bit confused, and I am feeling quite anxious about something still hidden to me, so I will think about your words more. Though maybe it will let it lie for a while and it will appear! Thanks so much for a stimulating blog. xx

Marmaladegirl Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 11:29am

Hi Dolphin - My intention was to raise a wry smile so to get a 'laugh out loud', result! Whatever is within you causing your anxiety will make its way to the surface in the end, like a splinter works its way out - just relax and allow the process to happen (maybe 'let it lie' IS a good message for you today after all). Thinking of you and sending positive power, MG xx

Jul Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 11:30am

I love this quote MG! Like Dolphin I am going to repeat it often, to myself probably more times. Love it! Thank you. It did make me laugh. At last :) Jul xx

Marmaladegirl Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 12:39pm

Hi Jul - Yay! Laughter is the best medicine :-) The quote might rub some people up the wrong way, it's not a very PC thing to say, but it's worth it to get a smile from you and Dolphin. Maybe Eleanor will read it and smile too. I hope so. MG x

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:36pm

I love that quote! It made me laugh too and I do hope Eleanor sees. Keep the stone near! Dolphin I understood your reply. Sorry you're feeling anxious, however, if you can, try to explore that anxiety a little more. It is good it's here because it holds answers... love ratg xx.

Marmaladegirl Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 2:42pm

I agree with RATG, Dolphin - working at the splinter can make it come out quicker. I really like RATG's positive attitude of "It is good it's here because it holds answers". Those bad feelings are there to draw our attention to something that isn't right. Each time I get out from feeling really shit I find that I have also learnt an important lesson. Knowing there is a point behind my suffering and that I will come out better from it, makes it easier to bear. MG

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 2:53pm

who is Eleanor ? and why ?

Marmaladegirl Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 4:33pm

On Thurs 3rd Aug the blog was "A Day at a time", written by El (Eleanor). Sometimes comments overflow from one day to a later day, which can be confusing. Trouble is if comments are left on the appropriate day people are unlikely to see them as we have all moved on to whichever TODAY'S blog is! I like your philosophical conundrum - "Why is Eleanor?". My father used to say "Why is a one-legged duck?". It feels a bit like that.

Dolphin Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 4:50pm

Thanks so much for the wisdom in your kind replies to my anxiety. Splinter - I give you notice!! xxx

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 9:26pm

for me it was a very straightforward shortcut . What I meant was why El is the one to see and who is she ? so who and why were logical question - information words . I would have never constructed anything like your example . maybe it is philosophical but to me looks just wrong . Sorry MG for letting down your high expectations of me.

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 11:57pm

dancing hippo, El had broken free from a controlling and unhappy relationship...Marmaladegirl's discovery of the stone was both funny and timeous.

Mary Wednesday Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 2:14am

Love the advice on the stone.

Jane SG Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 4:17am

Marmaladegirl - I love the stone quote! X

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 7:34am

Hi RATG...
Letting it lie. A bit like 'don't poke the Bear!!

I have to remember when to 'let it lie' with my daughter. She is going through some difficult times with her boyfriend (he has a ready-made family...they, and his ex, in turn, drain him so he is emotionally tied up in knots and daughter feels like she is pushed away.) She is not just second place...she is often way behind all the children and his ex as they take centre stage.
It came to a head the other night and she was so upset as she didn't know how much more she could take. We chatted for ages. I partly wanted to tell her to let him go - plenty more fish etc.... but then I thought, this is the man she loves being with; he is kind to her, he seems to love her. The worries we parents have about our children choosing someone who isn't 'perfect' is only our problem.
So I let it lie. I listened, made a few suggestions, then told her to ring him and chat things over or just let him know she is there for him...and to then get a good night's sleep. She did. She slept. She was happier the next day.
As an aside....This saying was used by Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer in their show in the 80's or 90’s...'You wouldn't let it lie!' Used to crack me and Mr Bear up!!
Thank you RATG...
Bear hugs x

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:43pm

I'm laughing Bear! I remember that show and I can hear the accent! Goodness how are you whilst parenting through that?! So tricky. What ages are the children? I can imagine if they are quite young then it will feel like being a pot of soup trying to keep balance for all involved. Very, very hard. I am separated too and decided not to have a relationship for this reason. I'm 'lucky' that my ex is single too and it is one area that, so far, is reasonably simple. Wish I could make you a coffee and chat for half an hour. Love ratg x.

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 7:45am

Oh and Ratty...I think you are doing such a wonderful job with your children. You are there for them when they need you...but backing away at the right time. They are lucky to have a caring and understanding Mum. And enjoy those bear hugs from him, I know I do when daughter gives me one. It feels like I will be loved forever. Bear x

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:46pm

Oh I'm merely picking through it Bear! Mourning the loss of young children who adore my every silly dance and pulling on the embarrassing mum suit daily!!

Bearofliddlebrain Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 3:46pm

Ha, I too have a suit like that! x

Orangeblossom Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 8:29am

Thanks for the great blog, a timely reminder not to berate myself for not doing what I said I would do. I appreciate it lots.

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:47pm

Hello Ob, yes, no berating! It solves nothing. Just always get back to your plan when you can. Love ratg x.

Jul Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 11:40am

Hello ratg. Your son sounds quite sweet in many ways, saying he will tuck himself in. Are you the only person he can vent his anger on? It can get quite wearing at times. I am the punch bag often with one of my children and although I don't like it at the time, I have to think around what is being said and deal with it. You are so right though about letting it lie sometimes. It helps the child so much not to respond and to leave a silence during which he or she has to work it out for themselves. It's worked when I've used the tactic. Something else sprang to my mind when reading your blog and that was a time when I didn't want our son to go away on a weekend. We lived in Scotland at the time which is not relevant but I know you do ratg! I had a hunch about the circumstances and stuck to my guns. I was unpopular. Many of his friends went. But actually he was relieved in the end. He told me later he didn't really want to go and this was before we found out what horrendous things had been going on that weekend. To think I almost gave in and said "oh go on then but I'm not happy about it!". I think we do our children favours by not letting them do everything and also not prolonging a fight and just letting it lie. Great blog ratg. Jul xx

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:52pm

Hello Jul! Lovely to speak. Very, very true...a hunch. So glad you went with your gut, its never wrong. I definitely talk too much when parenting so I'm practising the 'less is more' thing. It seems to work really well and is less exhausting too! :-) Yes, I'm his only vent. Its a good and a bad thing. I'm doing the eye roll thing now that only emojis can do really well :-D Which bit of Scotland were you in? Love ratg x.

Jul Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 2:35pm

We lived for many years in Dunblane. Jul xx

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 3:06pm

Dunblane Jul ? I think that you should say a bit more once you started please as my imagination went into overdrive straight away but say nothing if you prefer.

Jul Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 5:45pm

Hi Dancing Hippo. My children went to the school at the time of the Dunblane tragedy and of course we were very involved and knew parents and children who were lost that day. However I don't really want to write more. I thought I'd follow up what you asked as it's not fair to write a snippet and then not elaborate at all and since you mentioned it...My family were amongst the "lucky" ones and it would be wrong of me to capitalise on the tragedy. The weekend I referred to in my response to ratg in which I refused to let our son participate was vaguely connected as it happens. Jul xxx

Jul Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 5:51pm

Thanks for asking me about this dancing hippo. I might not have seemed it, but I was quite glad I had the opportunity to explain a bit and your blog brought back memories which need to surface every now and again. Jul xx

Jul Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 5:53pm

I meant your comment and ratg's blog! Sorry. xx

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 9:28pm

thank you for explaining. You may have known famous tennis mum then.

the room above the garage Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 12:07am

Ah Jul, Dunblane is not too far away from me. Tricky feelings still surround that horrible time and probably always will due to the horrific nature of the crime. You will carry it always and I hope you've been able to be supported because it probably resurfaces at the oddest of times, in all ways, including guilt. I'm glad you were able to voice bits today xx.

Jul Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 9:17am

xxx xxNice to know you are not far way even though I now live in the S.East. Jul xx

Ach UK Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 12:42pm

Hi Ratg
Thank you for the post, yes 'let it lie ' very good, if only I could always remember it.
A friend in the USA tell me the phrase "Pay it no heed" which she say to remember to say or think slowly and gently to best distance oneself.
It's hard to remember those lovely babies when they turn into obstroporous teenagers, but usually they mature into wonderful loving adults eventually, mine did.

the room above the garage Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 1:55pm

Oh thank you, I do hope so! I often tell them if they don't then there's no way I'm going into a nursing home! :-D love ratg x.

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 3:01pm

this is really funny . I would bet nobody would make me laugh talking about a nursing home , and I would have lost.

Molly Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 8:48pm

RATG, they won't want you in a nursing home, it will take away all of their inheritance ;-) xx

dancing hippo Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 9:30pm

this is mean

the room above the garage Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 12:08am


Molly Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 1:01am

Fact dancing hippo, the cost of nursing homes, if you own your own house, then goodbye to all you ever worked for. But it was only a joke and you are obviously in disguise so who are you ?

The Gardener Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 3:21pm

Teen-age parenting - whatever you do is wrong - glad about the hugs. Seen 5 children, 6 grand-children through teens - now g-grandaughter 15 - looking absolutely poised and beautiful at wedding last Saturday - as cross/jaded as the rest of us on Sunday but being a teen-ager we heard more about it (when she got up). On Monday she was lovely again. Only of us did not give us hassle as a teen-ager - the others accused us of spoiling him, he was the 'favourite' Only by default because there were few rows. I put it down to his knowing exactly what he wanted to do - smoothly from school to gap year to Uni. The other 4 were lost souls - they could not be wrong, so they blamed lack of direction on parents. In despair we sent Number one to Australia on a one-way ticket and told him to come back when he was better. Risk, but 100% success. His 4 siblings thought he was God and were all set to copy his behaviour - hence the drastic solution. Really feel for you, RATG - teen-agers can poison an atmosphere. Mr G and I had awful rows about the girls - he would not discipline them (hours of coming home etc) in case they left home. They did, anyway, in high dudgeon. One son says 'avoid confrontation' but often the teens seem to WANT confrontation - let anger and frustration out, it's got to go somewhere. Best of luck.

the room above the garage Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 12:09am

Thank you TG, I may be calling on you for advice since you are well experienced! Xx

The Gardener Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 3:25pm

PS to anyone who read yesterday's charivari?? The whole cat episode. I think, if you were me, going into an empty house, for sale, you might have reacted the same. Obviously during the heat wave I'd opened every door and window, cat must have gone to the top of the house, I shut everything up again and did not go to the top of the house for a long time. My first thought at such a grim sight was 'what on earth can I do to clear up'. When I saw the ravages to the drapery done by the poor animal to try and get out I realised its awful sufferings. I am sure it must have yowled, but one side empty, and the other with medieaval walls would have heard nothing. Dreadful business.

Molly Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 7:56pm

Gardener, I feel I am partly responsible for you feeling like you need to explain yourself. It must have been an awful thing for you to have discovered. Cats are explorers of course and sometimes get trapped. I don't think anyone thinpks you are to blame. You have enough to contend with and it must have been a shock for you. Molly xx

Ach UK Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 8:41pm

Gardener, I'd like to echo Molly's last reply to you, cats are curious creatures, no blame to you at all. Please accept a hug ( if you're okay with hugs.) I am guessing you will have buried him/her in your garden and if so of course he/she will be at peace and a very lucky cat to have such a beautiful garden to sleep in. France,to my mind, has lots of birdsong and butterflies . The cat will be at peace. Be so you too. You could not do more. Please sleep well.

the room above the garage Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 12:11am

TG I'm catching up...awful for you to have discovered this. It was not meant and not your fault. Nobody's fault! Just how things are sometimes, awful! Xxx

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