I've been reading the Moodscope blogs for years now but have never written one. Not good enough?? Well maybe I am!
I've been single for years. I had a brief relationship about 3 years ago. We had a good time and it lasted a few months, but I didn't particularly like myself let alone love myself so no surprise it didn't last!
I've also been studying over the last four years towards a counselling qualification. Stages 1-3, although tough, went well. Stage 4 was a major shock to the system. I made it through the year and passed but it pretty much wiped me out! Those of you that have been on this path will understand how hard it is.
A condition of the course is to undertake personal therapy to, among other things, understand yourself, patterns of behaviour and identify triggers. There was more for me to work on here than I expected. Behaviour very well hidden and buried over the years.
I deferred my second year and will be returning this year to complete (hopefully) the course. I've continued therapy and yes it's painful. Yes, it's tough. But I feel each day I am becoming stronger and accepting myself.
So back to the dating. I'm now seeing a lovely man. I'm honest, open and vulnerable with him (thank you Brene Brown) and although incredibly painful at times it has been the making of me.
We communicate and talk about both good and bad feelings. A completely new experience for me. Moments when I would have clammed up, buried my feelings and walked away I've spoken out and guess what? Our relationship has become stronger! It's still very early days but I am learning that I can have a healthy, loving relationship. It may not last but maybe it will. I am learning to relax, not grasp, be needy or desperate and it feels good.
I've learnt to like myself and am allowing others to really see me. And guess what... they stick around and like me back.
Years floundering around not appreciating I was ill. I used to say that life was a journey and I got on the wrong bus! What made it wrong? It was different to what I had thought and one that took a different route. Let's just say I've taken the scenic route both in recovery and with my studies. I am still on the bus but am now able to accept when it's time to step off, rest, look after myself then get back on.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Still in recovery but enjoying the journey. I'm now asking for support and help when I need it. Again, a completely new experience for me.
I never liked the word journey, but it is what it is.
Believe in yourself, trust yourself and know that whichever route you take will be the one the universe had arranged for you.
A Moodscope member.