Starting over

28 Feb 2019
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Recently in her blog All the things I never did... (19 February 2019), The Gardener hit on the downer that has plagued me since 2010. In some ways, I've healed, but I still feel like I'm a lost wanderer.

I've been called a collector – a collector of information. I want to know everything there is to know. You probably can't come up with a subject that I won't find interesting. So at age 57, I take free online courses (currently and simultaneously I'm taking a course on Jane Austen, on behavior and genetics, genealogy, the history of royal British fashion, the buildings of ancient Rome, and prep to get my real estate license. I learned to ride a motorcycle at age 51, travel extensively, regularly take photography courses and workshops, write a bit (nothing published – too scared), and run a very successful pet care business. I garden and do crafts.

I read books on antiques, ethology, Dickens, psychology, travel guides, woodworking.

Yet, I find myself feeling extraordinarily unsatisfied (not dissatisfied). I have a seriously troubled relationship with my mother, brother, son, and daughter. I have no friends (yes, for real, no friends). I've failed miserably at volunteering. I lost my career in animal sheltering back in 2010 in a rather dramatic series of events that ended with my being institutionalized. Humans are cruel creatures when they get on a crusade; they believe they can do no wrong. I have PTSD and can no longer work; Lord knows I've tried, which has only added to my feelings of inadequacy and failure.

I have a driving desire to move someplace far away (from my native Texas). The mountains of North Carolina perhaps. And start over. My soulmate/husband of 38 years worries that I would be jumping out of the pot into the fire. But I have a driving desire to clear my mind, rid myself of driving past locations that bring only heart-wrenching memories, and establishing new routines for myself.

I know running away is not an answer, but I feel more like I would be cleaning house, purging, renewing, reviving.

Have you ever tried to start over only to find you were running away? Were there clues beforehand that you were probably making a mistake? Or did you launch a new start and found it so wonderful you wondered why you took so long? What did you find useful in making your decision?

Kelley

A Moodscope member

P.S. Thank you to each and every one of you for being constant and true. It's so hard to find "real" people in this world. My daughter-in-law knows (some, but not all) of my mental health issues, and is afraid of them. She has cameras in her home to watch when I am with my grandchildren. Why can't she just talk to me about this? I can help educate her!

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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Comments

Molly

Feb. 28, 2019, 2:14 a.m.

I think I was trying to run away when I got married, not something I really ever thought I would do (get married), but the man who said he had loved me for some 20 years who appeared back in my life when at a crossroads, seemed a good option. I had no doubts at the time. Now I just want to run again and have felt like that for a while. It kind of makes you wonder if you can trust your own judgement. If he wasn't unwell, I think I would be asking him to leave at this point. Your P.S. sentence bothered me and stood out for me in your blog. Cameras in the home when you look after your grandchildren? I don't find that acceptable at all and it saddens me that people are so narrow minded. For all my mental issues, I wouldn't hurt a fly let alone a child. It just would not come into the equation whatsoever. People are so ignorant. Welcome Kelley, if you are new here, and thanks for the blog xx

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DAVE

Feb. 28, 2019, 7:30 p.m.

Kelley, I finally spelt it correct...I hope you won't mind, reading Molly's reply... Oh Molly, I really feel for you....having been with you and separated then back at a difficult time of life, marrying only to be in that situation expresses just how you cope...I sincerely hope for you personally that things will change as they always do...Decision making has to be carefully and mindfully managed, as we get older it's crucial that we question our decisions and review the most times obvious consequences...*** bless you Molly you're a real star ! Dave Xx

Molly

Feb. 28, 2019, 9:50 p.m.

Thanks Dave, there was no relationship in the beginning, we just knew eachother. There is no decision to be made, I would never split with him. He’s just turned into a grumpy, tired man with severe mobility problems. It’s not really the way I expected my life to turn out. I have my own health issues. It’s doubtful things will change. Molly xx

Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 3:06 a.m.

Not new, but usually quiet. I was surprised to get your comments—I forgot about the time difference. I’m just getting ready for bed Texas time. I cannot think of an instance in my past that I’ve ever run away, so I don’t think I am not. It is funny how hard it is to trust your own judgment. We’re you really running away when you married? Or has life and perception changed so that your needs are different now?

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sarah

Feb. 28, 2019, 10:33 a.m.

Hi Kelley, just want to give you feedback on how your blog came across and hope this will help. You seem so busy I felt exhausted reading all that you do. So often we're told to 'get a hobby' or 'join things' to help us but all that comes up for me after reading your blog is . . . . .let go . . . move inwards and just 'be' with your emotions, they just want to be heard, that is all. I'm sure healing will take place. Emotions aren't there to hurt us, they're just trying to let us know where we're at. Hope this helps. Here's wishing you a happy, healthy, sunny week. Sarah

Molly

Feb. 28, 2019, 1:58 p.m.

Thank you for your response Kelley, I’m not sure how to answer your questions. I will have to think about that. I guess I’m just not in a good place right now. I’ve found some of the comments below really helpful. You have opened up a really good discussion xx

Leah

Feb. 28, 2019, 5:06 a.m.

Kelley, I am wondering are the cameras in your daughter in laws home , there all the time? My daughter in law has a cam in the main room and in the nursery so she can keep an eye on the baby. If the cameras were just out in for you that sounds awful, but if the cameras were there anyway, that makes sense. Is she looking at the cameras while you are in her home or does she have it on her phone and watches while you are babysitting? Sorry to focus on this but as a new grandma it did puzzle me. Thanks for your blog and I hope you find some answers.

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The Gardener

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:11 a.m.

I hope Leah, modern technology to help an over-protective mother. Years ago, visiting a son and family, the daughter, 12ish, was in training for a swimming gala. I took her every evening when I was there. I cheered her on, then we came back laughing, getting fish and chips on the

The Gardener

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:13 a.m.

Oh, cut off. One morning, my son was deputed to throw me out, I was 'bullying' the girl. I was shattered, he was in tears. Later years, when she was in real trouble, she had started lying to get attention, then on to self-harming. The sadness of it all. Don't be defeated Kelley xx

Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:47 a.m.

She does watch during the day because they have questioned my husband, but not me, on things she has seen during my stays.

Michele

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:04 p.m.

That is terrible. If she has any issues she should talk to you.

Lynzi

Feb. 28, 2019, 6:24 a.m.

Kelley, l felt l had no real friends for a long time. But with a lot of hard work, which it looks like you're doing too, I'm slowly beginning to trust again. Instead of being attracted to people who recreate my childhood abusive relationships, l am looking to build my tribe with kind, fun, creative, accepting, supportive, emotionally intelligent people. I have always wanted to run away and start again when the **** hits the fan (and in the past tried this many times). Now I'm older, l realise for me, l can't run away from the critical voice in my head. Wherever l go she's still there. I'm working on trying to quieten and work with the voice; having just started a new mindfulness group. I'm strong, determined, inspired, excited, enthusiastic and proud; as well as nervous, hostile, ashamed, jittery, upset and irritable. I'm trying to accept me; and trying out new name spellings, love, peace, sparkles Lyndsey x

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:50 a.m.

I do continue to hold out hope for making new friends. Thank you for suggesting that I look at the kinds of friends I have been attracting!

Netty b

Feb. 28, 2019, 7:17 a.m.

Good morning Kelly from Bonnie Scotland. You sound so intelligent and eager to learn new knowledge. Why do you beat yourself up so much? If you relocated would that mean that you couldn't babysit so often? That would be a positive step in my opinion. I would feel so hurt if I felt that I was being spied on.Before my diagnosis of Bi - Polar I would feel paranoid take things personally, always feel that I was in the wrong(this stems from my upbringing and being bullied by my brother's, then work colleagues). I was always applying for other jobs as I felt that I didn't fit in. I was ? away but the same feelings would stay with me. My husband would say "You always think that the grass is greener on the other side" it's not often he is right but he was right. After changing jobs / running away 4 times in the last 19 years I have finally found a brilliant work place. I. am so happy. I won't be running away anymore. Baby steps Kelly.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:52 a.m.

Awesome thoughts! BYW, I love, love, love Bonnie Scotland!

Netty b

Feb. 28, 2019, 7:18 a.m.

Good morning Kelly from Bonnie Scotland. You sound so intelligent and eager to learn new knowledge. Why do you beat yourself up so much? If you relocated would that mean that you couldn't babysit so often? That would be a positive step in my opinion. I would feel so hurt if I felt that I was being spied on.Before my diagnosis of Bi - Polar I would feel paranoid take things personally, always feel that I was in the wrong(this stems from my upbringing and being bullied by my brother's, then work colleagues). I was always applying for other jobs as I felt that I didn't fit in. I was ? away but the same feelings would stay with me. My husband would say "You always think that the grass is greener on the other side" it's not often he is right but he was right. After changing jobs / running away 4 times in the last 19 years I have finally found a brilliant work place. I. am so happy. I won't be running away anymore. Baby steps Kelly.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:53 a.m.

Awesome thoughts! BYW, I love, love, love Bonnie Scotland!

Orangeblossom

Feb. 28, 2019, 8:14 a.m.

Hi Kelly, many thanks for your interesting blog. I will reread it again later. Perhaps it may be fair to say that the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship is a tricky one to negotiate. Mine never accepted me in all the years we knew each other.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:56 a.m.

Re: MIL–DIL relationship Our relationship changed drastically from before they said , “I do,” till after. I’ve spent untold time wondering what’s wrong with me. Your comments make me remember that there are 2 people in this relationship, not just me.

Orville

Feb. 28, 2019, 8:17 a.m.

The desire to go somewhere and completely different and try to start again can be really compelling, can't it? I did it once (for a few months, not for keeps), and it just made everything worse. All my issues (which are mine, and therefore tagged along for the ride) were still there, and whatever I had at home, and had dismissed, however meagre, was not there, and it turned out that was more important than I'd allowed for. End result - I left home in a pretty OK state of mental health, and then rapidly declined in the new location. I've since discovered that it's a common enough pattern that in mental health circles there's a phrase for this: "doing a geographical". With hindsight, I'm not sure there were any obvious clues that this would be a bad idea, and in fact I had quite a few people encourage me... how little they knew. Obviously big life-changing moves can sometimes be absolutely the right thing to do. My own take on this is that such a move is far more likely to go well if it's a that To somewhere rather than From the present - people I know who've moved with that motivation have generally had them work out well. Good luck!

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:58 a.m.

How insightful you are! Thank you.

Ruth

Feb. 28, 2019, 8:22 a.m.

That last bit resonated feelings for me. My sister and brother-in-law are not nice, never have been. They just see me as standing in the way of "their" inheritance. They know where to hurt me though. Their children, my beautiful niece and nephew who I love to bits and would never, ever hurt, unlike them. They have bullied my niece so much that she is scared to say she would like to spend time with me, occasionally she will have the courage and come. I can hear them in the background on the phone (my Mum too as it is on speaker) telling her to say no to me. Sometimes I have not even asked her if she would like to come and see me. As for my nephew, he has special needs and at 22 now lives in supported living. I used to take him out on my own but now they have insisted that I have a carer with me. This is usually one of his carers. Even the carers have said that I am so good with him and he with me that they are not needed. My sister trusts my nearly 70 year old Mum and even expects her to cope alone and do not understand why she needs me. I help her as he can be very strong but he loves being with me and rarely kicks off. It breaks my heart. My Dad sees her as his princess, always has but Mum can see it now.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:01 p.m.

I’m trying hard to remember that I’m not the one with the problem; she is. My confidence is so fragile.

Rupert

Feb. 28, 2019, 8:27 a.m.

Brilliant blog Kelley. Aren’t we actually running away on a smaller scale every day of our lives? I what I mean is trying to avoid the reality of the situation or the awful thoughts in our heads by living in some imaginary place in our minds or even by practising mindfulness ? Just a thought but I think that’s is how I have actually lived all my life! Rupert

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:03 p.m.

I have so much to run away from, if I consider all the voices in my head. My “bad angels,” and negative self talk have a grip on me. I need some positivity in my life!

The Gardener

Feb. 28, 2019, 8:36 a.m.

Morning Kelley (when it gets to you) these time zones! I hope you find some solution. Running away seldom works, because you cannot avoid yourself. I wish we could cast a skin, like a snake. My life has been nothing but seizing opportunities. I got married to escape a slave-driver of a father - marriage is the biggest lottery ever - I won the jack-pot, So 'carpe diem' my only real mantra. Also, last few years, 'We will overcome'. With a lot of help from your friends - I am sure you have some, really. Best of luck xx

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:05 p.m.

I won the jackpot, too!!!!! My husband is a saint!

The Gardener

Feb. 28, 2019, 8:43 a.m.

Just looked up 'Carpe diem' not to get it wrong. (Homer, Seize the Day).Also looked up French translation, none, really. Except they always say 'profitez' whether it's fine weather for gardening, or when you are a carer making the best of respite day. I would say (pseudo sage here) don't dither over decision making when you are fairly certain - 70% for it, make the other 30% work. Not bad approach to relationships too.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:06 p.m.

Carpe diem! I love your thoughts! I think, just for the sake of building self confidence, I will make 70-30 my new mantra.

Sally

Feb. 28, 2019, 8:58 a.m.

Hello Kelley. I know this feeling of wanting to start all over again so well! I think it’s ok to have the dream, I do it all the time. An uncle and wife relocated for 2 years to a remote corner of Wales, then realised it had been a mistake and came back. Nothing wrong in that. He said he viewed it as an extended holiday, a dream move that hadn’t worked out. I think the restlessness is there in all of us, I for one get easily bored by routine and crave excitement in my life. By the way, if you’re interested in Jane Austen, I’m reading a fascinating book called Jane Austen at Home by Lucy Worsley and it’s stuffed full of facts since you’re a collector. Good luck with any decisions, and , as others have commented, the camera thing is disturbing. Could you bring the subject up with them at all? Thanks for writing, you sound great.

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Jul

Feb. 28, 2019, 9:03 a.m.

Hi Sally. Just wanted to say I get easily bored by routine and crave excitement too. I imagine many do but I have always felt I should be more content with life. It was good to read that in your comment. Jul xx

Dragonfly

Feb. 28, 2019, 9:38 a.m.

Hi Sally and Jul, I'm the same! Or perhaps it's that I've had so many crises in my life - where I go into coping mode - that 'normal' seems boring. Yes, I wish for contentment too x

Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:12 p.m.

Have talked to the son/DIL about cameras. They say she just misses the girls and wants to see them when she is at work. But they go to daycare 99% of the time. So they aren’t there for her to see. I’m the only one that is ever at home alone with the grandbabies. And the questions about things she sees, snippets of a day out of context, are very troubling. Son/DIL have asked my husband if I have taken to imaging things!

Jul

Feb. 28, 2019, 8:58 a.m.

Hello Kelley. I have always tried to escape difficult situations. Isn't that natural? I am not sure of course if it would be the right thing for you to move from Texas. I have moved around a lot because of jobs but also temporarily to escape. 12 years ago, I had the choice where to move to or rather to escape from where we were living which had thrown all sorts of horrible things at me over many years. I chose to go to somewhere I was broadly familiar with and to a part of the country I knew I would feel at ease with. I had missed it for so many years but wouldn't admit it. I can truly say I don't want to move from here. I have lived in places where I haven't made good friends; in fact I don't maintain contact with anyone from the last place we lived for 15 years. Now I am comfortable with friends and feel "at home". Your blog made for sad reading. I feel for you. Would you miss your niece etc in Texas or do you think it might be easier to have real contact with her online where her parents can't interfere? It's great you have a soulmate in your husband. Stick to him and from what you say , you won't go wrong whichever decision you make. Good luck. Jul xx

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:15 p.m.

I always appreciate how supportive your comments are. Your thoughts are encouraging. Yes, yes, yes to most of your questions. I think moving for me might be like shedding some unnecessary baggage.

Jul

Feb. 28, 2019, 9:08 a.m.

Meant to add that my parents moved from Buckinghamshire to Cornwall, to Wiltshire, Salisbury Norfolk and West Sussex, after my father retired, all in the space of 6 or 7 years. They returned to Buckinghamshire and lived there until they died but moved house three times during that time. My poor father! My mother was restless and craved change but was never happy for long until she moved back. I sometimes think I'm a saint compared with her( in that respect only!) Jul xx

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Norman

Feb. 28, 2019, 10:09 a.m.

Newcastle, Edinburgh, Newcastle, Stoke-on-Trent, Southampton, Newcastle, Southampton, Zimbabwe, Southampton, Cambridge, Southampton, Dublin, Dundalk.

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Jul

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:14 p.m.

ha ha Impressive Jul xx

Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:16 p.m.

Oh, my! Makes me tired just reading your list!

Norman

Feb. 28, 2019, 4 p.m.

Sorry, had to dash and hit post instead of save. Most of these moves have been for work reasons but I'm never sure. I used to envy people who had seen the world. Now at 61 I envy those who have been in the same place all their lives, close to family, friends and community.

Jul

Feb. 28, 2019, 5:53 p.m.

It's nice to see your name Norman. The last I think I heard, you were in Newcastle and happy. Hope all is good. Jul xx

Gustavo

Feb. 28, 2019, 10:23 a.m.

Hi Kelley! I’m also a collector of information. But since I have 2 small kids, there is no time left to read. One thing that helps me keep in touch with new knowledge is audible.com. So I can lean while walking or doing chores. Thank you for the post!

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:19 p.m.

Look forward to the day that you can hold those wonderful books in your hands again. You’ll want those books to fill the time when your children have their own lives.

Maggie May

Feb. 28, 2019, 10:40 a.m.

I felt exhausted reading you list of collections of information. My gut reaction , without knowing you or your full history, is to think you are already running away by filling your mind constantly. I agree with Tim that you cannot run away from yourself and your inner torments. Moving area may come later if you wish, but do you think you need to talk through your problems with someone and practice mindfulness to help your busy mind find peace. Are you happy with your meds to help with this? I also agree with the others about the seeming unacceptable behaviour if your d- in - l. What does your husband think? Wishing you peace , and thanks for sharing.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:24 p.m.

Meds are ok. At least I’m functioning most days. I’ve spent so much time “on the couch,” so to speak, that I’m done with therapy, at least for a while. I’ve meditated, read self-help books, participated in online and in-person support groups. After so many years and so much water under the bridge, I have a new outlook. Stop thinking and DO (my version of “just do it”).

Michele

Feb. 28, 2019, 10:57 a.m.

Hi Kelly, Your free online courses sound really interesting. For me the issue is finding balance. I made myself so busy in my youth that I constantly ran away from my emotions. I moved job several times and my last move in full time work was disastrous. I knew in advance of some of these job moves that the person I was going to work for would be difficult and thought "I'll manage", but managing always took its toll. Now I listen to those warnings and wouldn't work for someone that I know would be a problem. My big move came when I gave up full time work through ill health, started therapy and moved into doing more of what I want and need, creating relationships with my family and feeling much better for it. You mention PTSD and I'm wondering if you ever heard of "Rapid Eye Movement" Treatment. My brother had it for real bad PTSD and it helped enormously. M x

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:27 p.m.

Rapid eye movement treatment? I’ll have to explore this. Hmmm. Your comments about “I’ll manage” strikes a chord with me. I’ll have to cogitate on that. Thank you!

Michele

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:03 a.m.

Forgot to say we have been thinking of moving for some months now, and we are taking our time in deciding if it would work out for us or not. In the meantime I have found that short breaks, even one night away works wonders - its lovely to stay somewhere new, to explore, have a complete break from everyday life. Am going to plan several weekend or over night stays over the year. I hope you can get a break - helps put things in perspective.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:28 p.m.

I’m on my way to a family reunion in Arizona next week. Much needed break!

Michele

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:23 a.m.

About the cameras - As Leah said earlier, the cameras are probably there so that mum can watch her children, not necessarily to watch you with them. My brother-in law uses the latest IT for everything and he had cameras in the house so that he could watch his babies while he was out at work! My friend uses Alexa to watch her teenagers when she isn't home - we are growing into a surveillance society being surveilled not by Big Brother but by each other!

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Michele

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:12 p.m.

Have just seen your earlier response. Must be had to feel you are being watched and your actions questioned. Maybe talk generally about your need to know directly if there are any issues that arise, and have your husband there if you feel strong enough and if you think he will support you. I sometimes find writing a letter , that I don't send, helps me to sort out how I feel and what to do and how to respond to a difficult situation, then I throw it away.

Caroline Ashcroft Moodscope

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:28 p.m.

Hi Kelley I felt compelled to reply to your blog as if resonated with me in two ways; firstly the process of starting over and secondly the restlessness of middle age. When I was 30, I found myself with 2 failed marriages and 3 children to care for on my own. Whilst it was an all-time personal low for me both emotionally and financially, it was also liberating as I could now rebuild my life to suit me. The last 20 years can only be described as a lot of learning, dead-ends, re-adjustment of priorities and friendships. I am now the happiest I have ever been and know that the period of change (whilst traumatic at the time) has enabled me to follow my path more surely than before. In my view, this process is not possible without acceptance of my own limitations and also acceptance that bad things can happen to me. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2017 and wept and wailed about the injustice of the diagnosis and my fear of dying prematurely. After a few days. I accepted that there was actually no good reason (other than my own beliefs) why I should not get cancer nor was there any good reason why it should not be fatal. Once I accepted that, I was able to accept whatever I had to do next. There were still tears, but the tears were tears of grief not those of a spoilt adult who is not getting their own way. Fortunately for me, my cancer has gone (for the time being anyway) and I have learnt to value my time in a different way than before. All of this has also taken place with the backdrop of a midlife crisis, which I have come to learn is a time when we review our lives (around age 50) and try to determine whether our lives have had meaning or purpose, as we know that our time is beginning to run out. I have learnt that for me, my life has purpose because of what I do in my job and how I do this. This does not take priority over my role as a mother, daughter or sister but I hope it inspires them to follow their own path. It sounds like your path has had its twists and turns and it is a testament to your resilience and courage that you are still striving to learn and achieve. In my view, if you accept that it is ok that your path presented you with the challenges it did (even if it can feel unfair) you can then appreciate the opportunities for new experiences and new ventures. I am impressed that you have been writing and urge you to explore ways of publishing that you feel comfortable with. I read recently that in order to make things happen, sometimes we have to think through how it will happen before trying to ‘do’ something - I don’t know if that is helpful to you! Writing is on my list of ‘Things I want to achieve’ but I have yet to give it enough space in my life so far - your blog has inspired me to start thinking about how to make that happen. Thank you for your thoughts Lucy

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 2:13 p.m.

How insightful and self aware you are! You’ve given me much to think and pray about. And share with my husband. Thank you.

DAVE

Feb. 28, 2019, 12:51 p.m.

Wow Kelly, What on earth do you do in your spare time ? Very interesting thoughts that ;you have put into so many words, with so much to feel how you cope. You state that you struggle with relationships, which is not uncommon, but a but like a butterfly, perhaps not able to communicate to some can be very unsettling. 'Seriously troubled relationships' with faamily and others will cause these symptoms...So how do we cope with others 'opinions'...I find people facinating, not the shy person I use to be....I was very withdrawn and it took me years to mature and discover the reason why. I look at it this way.... First off where communications are concerned...I took a long look at myself...I started to imagine and see myself as I thought others saw me...I was careful what I said, so as I did not inflame and contentious situations. If I got into deep water, having realised I was wrong, I was the =FIRST to opologise. Not allowing myself to become a 'Doormat', but the realisation that what exits my mouth would be ACCEPTABLE to me should I be on the receiving end. I discovered that the route to finding friends, was first to ASK questions to open up a conversation, SECONDLY....I was determined to NOT allow myself to become OFFENDED, ...NEVER...I was not ever going to ALLOW myself to be intimidated, I did not want to pass the POWER to someone to use and abuse my love and friendship... THIRD....I developed a 'LISTENING EAR'...Through this process I discovered that I started to have many friends...I was ATTRACTING people with all sorts of problems, and they could 'UNLOAD' and I was there to listen...It became very aparrent that as I listened long enough...WITHOUT interrupting there flow, having unloaded, I was in a position to offer help, advice counsel. Because I listened long enough, it became very obvious to me that helping others became a JOY...I felt 'LIFTED' UP MYSELF... I became more confident...the self-consciousness had disappeared, I grew more self-reliant, my self esteem rose, and as long as I kept my enthusiasm unbder control, I did not become ARROGANT, I remained humble with my listening HEART, not jus the ears ! ! Confidence grew and I started to become popular, and to this day, I get calls from all sorts of people....This is how at 74 years I stay focussed, upon others and in that...There is NO RUMINATING, no matter whattime of the day. I love ORDER in all aspects of my life...from Relationships, Health, debt, investments, maintenance in property, and because of NEVER PROCRASTINATING, my time is MINDFULLY managed, I enjoy the beauty of this colourful world upon which we have been placed ! My time is very precious, and is contained in REALITY, the real things that only a superpower can make...Anything man-made causes most issues...MAN'S OPINION'S cause some to dominate our lives....IF WE WILL LET THEM... kELLY shall we 'Get our own house in ORDER, ? ? That way we are able to 'LIFT' those 'whose hands are down'.. the pleasure in giving and not expecting anything in returen is the ELIXIR of life for me... Compassion is a real blessing and a real gift...I am reading your blog 'between the lines'..If I am wrong, then it has done not harm. FORGIVENESS of others is essential, but FORGIVING ourselves is paramount. 'I'm really sorry if I have offended you, please forgive me, so that we can resume our friendship and love for one another....That is the most poignant message that this world upon which we live could be emphasised. Thank you Kelly for your heartfelf blog, please forgive me if I am out of step in your blogs and thoughts. Have a wonderful day, and live just in the present, the 'NOW'... 'And it came to Pass, everything comes, but everything passess. *** Bless. Dave XX.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 2:18 p.m.

You words are so uplifting and helpful! I once was an very confident, animated, outgoing person. I am now shy, timid, fearful. Your comments have given me fodder upon which to feed my good angels and help them resist my negativity.

DAVE

Feb. 28, 2019, 2:41 p.m.

You're too kind Kelly, I have found that most of those who struggle in this life and those who don't...Search for one thing and one thing only, no matter whether rich or poor...That is to find INNER PEACE and INNER HAPPINESS....Despite my past blogs and an issue( which is not of my making, of which lies at the feet of someone so very close...but NOT quite touching).. I feel that exhaltation...the highest state of happiness. because I strive to mean what I say and say what I mean... If we move house...we DO NOT escape these personal issues, if we change ourselves, its not easy as we may have been brought up by parents, whose opinions we believe are cast iron and always the right things to do, but examining and change ourselves, we neither FEAR *** nor man. Self-inflicted issues are the main reason why we fail to change our inbred habits, which if not recognised will remain with us until our demise. If we 'swim the other way' we will find life is solely about our own attitude to how we view things differently and therefore we have to try and embrace the 'New Me'.. It is well worth the effort, as we begin to become self-assured-self-confident-happy than we have ever been, and able to lift those so struggling. I have never felt so 'together' in my whole life as I have done in the last 5 years, which it has taken me to comprehend how I appear to others and what I do was as previously mentioned. I know it works....for me I teach these principles and I have seen some AMAZING results, some people we would not recognise as they too have found happiness...it shows in their countenance ! a reflection of the person we want to become. Good luck Kelly. Dave XX

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DAVE

Feb. 28, 2019, 2:53 p.m.

I too have been in hospital 5 times in my life and I understand where you come from in your blog.. Facing up to all those places which have and do bring pain and suffering, staying put,m looking at yourself in the mirror and say '"I am as good as anyone, no better, and no one is better than I..We all came in this world the same way and we exit that same way, what happens in between is SOLEY our attitude and how we manage the challenges that present themselves, usually in the form of a person who is 'lost' and clings to their self-centred attitude of walking over everyone that come in to 'their space', DON'T allow this power of manipulation to dominate your lovely persona, you like all moodscopers who suffer are compassionate and caring, please don't let others ruin your life. we only have one mortal life...Enjoy it and start to 'give expecting nothing in return...if you get rebuffed, that's not your problem...that belongs to the perpetrator, show by example to your partner, familty and friends that you mean to stay....You'e worth it...Someone upstairs loves you and watches over you always. Dave XX

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 3:05 p.m.

Oh, how lovely! Thank you. I needed that. Some many of us need to hear this more often.

Bailey

Feb. 28, 2019, 4:03 p.m.

Dear Kelley; You are not alone. I could sooo relate to your blog. I too have a flaming case of ptsd and it prevented me from working as did anxiety and depression. Having been denied twice before finally being accepted for a disability pension, I made many enemies along the way trying and failing to work. My genuine struggles offended people. It reminds of thr slogan:"be kind: everyone is fighting some sort of battle you know nothing about." Now there are people everywhere who still resent me for my bad job experiences and I am tired of running into them. Red Deer, Alberta, Canada is a beligerent place to live, in my experience. I want to shift addresses even if just by an hour...and have decided to do it. The street I am on is too busy and noise triggers ptsd symptoms. As you already know. Then at my new address, people will get to know me for me maybe...and not the gospel of gossip. (Sarcasm). Take care.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 9:35 p.m.

Oh, my! How I can relate. Good for you. I hope we'll hear how it goes for you. BTW, my beautiful, secluded rural community has turned into a major hustling, bustling retail and restaurant center. Lots of new housing developments. Noise from construction for the past 5 years. One of the fastest growing areas in Texas! Ugh! On top of that, someone built a McMansion (a house WAY too big for this little neighborhood) on the wooded lot next to us. Took out most of the trees. Lots of concrete. Tons of exterior lights that light up my backyard at night. Dogs that bark OUT OF FREAKIN' CONTROL at all hours. Now my dogs have learned to bark at nothing and everything. He's in construction and runs the business out of his house. Right now (3:30 in the afternoon), I can hear hammers and a power saw mixed with a too-loud radio and men's voices shouting at each other. I need to move if for no other reason than to get away from them. Sad thing: they are very nice people.

Valerie

Feb. 28, 2019, 4:44 p.m.

Hello Kelley, I agree with Jen's comments.The list of things you do to distract yourself is just overwhelming.It sounds quite frantic.Do you ever just stop and think,or is that to be avoided? I am not sure that you would be freed from the unhappy associations that are attached to your current location.Your thoughts travel everywhere with you. Does your husband work? If not,would it be possible to take an extended holiday in N.Carolina,say 3 months,to see how you feel about it.Maybe a second home to occasionally escape to,if anyone else could run the pet care for a while for you? I have done some very reckless risky things in my time,and always with disastrous consequences.I am not like that any more.I do know some people who have uprooted,and been very happy with the outcome.They were all going to something much better,but not trying to flee from the past.You are very blessed to have a happy marriage,and a loyal husband who supports you.He must be your rock.

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 9:37 p.m.

I have lots of interests, but it's not frantic. I partake as the mood moves me. My husband is retired. The thought of an extended stay away is a very good one!!! I'm going to explore that possibility right now.

Ach UK

Feb. 28, 2019, 5:38 p.m.

Hi Kelly, I read your blog early in the day, but felt unable to send an adequate reply earlier, it brought me up short. Now having read it several times and mulled it over I'd like to offer the following comments: I am glad you have had the courage to tell us some of what is a pretty horrible experience you have been going through. I so recognise the uncomfortable and relentless internal urging to move. I think a lot of it is hooked into the PTSD set off by the horrifying things you went through. From your writings I think you are still very traumatised by it all and your families reactions. Time and careful councelling and (sigh, the hardest ) gradual acceptance of the past . . . will help you function better in the now. It takes a long time to feel comfortable with the horrible bits of the past. You can't change what happened, but you can allow yourself to see it in a gentler light, turning the despair and anger into gentle sorrow and yes not forgetting nor necessarily forgiving that which is indefensible -- why should you, it happened and was horrid. And it was in your past, but now you are in another space. See how well you are now doing, beginning to speak of the hardships and looking towards a future. As to moving, well as those who'very already posted, there are pros and cons. I hope you will find some of the comments give you encouragement. Thank you for sharing your story. XX Ach .

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Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 9:46 p.m.

I am so glad that there are others who understand how hard it is to recover from a trauma. I just keep reliving it where I am now. One of the hardest parts is allowing myself to believe that people do really horrible things in the name of virtue and righteousness. It's taken this long (9 years) to really believe that I wasn't bullied and persecuted because I'm inherently bad. The attorney I had during the fallout just plain sucked. He was no help at all, kind of a wet noodle. But in the fog (I can remember very little of that time period), I was in no condition to choose an attorney or direct the course of my response my employers. One thing I learned: no matter how hard you try, if you're in bad enough mental condition, you just can't be your best. Sometimes it's just hard to "be" at all.

Ach UK

Feb. 28, 2019, 11:26 p.m.

Yes. I "know" those sometimes. and I am hoping that someone in your district can listen and just perhaps offer a cuppa. Even a small kindness can be good -- and to ask is the first step to return. Sending a hug through the ether that's my small step. XX Ach.

Poppy

March 1, 2019, 4:28 a.m.

:)

Poppy

Feb. 28, 2019, 9:52 p.m.

Note: My list of interests wan't meant to be a vision of a harried, overwhelmed schedule. I participate in these activities at my leisure and fully enjoy myself. Today, I worked in restoring an antique office chair–walnut with the most beautiful grain. Rubbing the wax into the wood is downright therapeutic.

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Molly

Feb. 28, 2019, 10:32 p.m.

I think it’s great that you do all that you do, from reading your comments here I think a change would be good. Sometimes we think too much and you have a good husband. What’s there to lose! Go on an adventure together whilst you are still young enough to do so. You may look back and think why did I not do this before. Good luck xx

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