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Spring - Coming out of the Shadows. Sunday May 14, 2017

Don't you think that coming out of a bout of depression is very like the transition from Winter to Spring? Do you ever feel like a new Spring flower bursting with startling colour?

I've always liked snowdrops best, they're so graceful, a lovely nod towards Spring with the subtle white of the previous season's snow. But sometimes I feel like the crocus or aconite, startling myself with a new brightness. Of course there are times when the bout doesn't lift so easily and I'd rather stay under the depths of snow.

When the darkness is lifting from my mind and body I can be taken by surprise by a feeling of love or happiness. It floods my body and reassures me that I'm feeling well and that some better times are on the way. Starting to feel something again, some days better than others, a creeping back into brighter times and a leaving behind of the numbness of Winter cold and blank mood. Like the weather, a string of good days can be broken by a sudden dark day too.

Last weekend, we had two days of sunshine and warmth. We could feel Winter creeping away and start to look forward to better weather and longer days. Myself and my family were pottering in the garden, spring cleaning the garage and the shed, the children were reacquainting themselves with their forgotten outdoor toys and their bodies, stretching out and running around the garden like Spring lambs.

I took myself off for a little run as the afternoon was coming to an end. Men were out in their gardens, clearing up hedge cuttings, washing their cars; re-marking their territory. Some were lighting their BBQs (a bit premature I thought as the wind was starting to pick up and the temperature dropping rapidly!) to send smoke signals out to their neighbourhood, bringing friends together. Washing hung out on lines like flags to show people are home and up and out and I felt the hopefulness of a new season taking over me.

As I start to feel better, I too come out of hibernation and start to signal to friends that I'm coming back, it's a new season, the darkness is lifting and I'm looking forward to some better days. The days too will feel longer and maybe I'll accomplish more each new day. And what comes after Spring? Summer. There is always hope of even brighter days.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Molly Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 2:27am

Hi Lizzie, I have just come out of depression. What a strange thing it is. It is like seeing the world for the first time, I can relate to what you were saying, because it feels like exposure. I go on a 'high' but I don't trust it. I almost feel like a child, learning that I can do things again, but kind of want to steal the moment and not do anything whilst I take it all in.'Coming out of hibernation' is a good way of describing it. I am just waiting for the fall again though. In the meantime I will enjoy the feeling, along with you, Molly xx

Lizzie Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 11:41am

Isn't that one of the worst things about the high? You wait for the low....but I'd like to hope things will change and it won't come again, or won't come back too severely at least...

Orangeblossom Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 7:49am

Hi Lizzie, thanks for an enchanting blog which entirely resonated for me today. I love spring flowers, snowdrops, crocuses, primroses & flocks. They cheer me up immensely. Having grown up in Kenya, I haven't experienced the variety until I moved to Britain. Living in West Wales, is a treat as I experience the rural setting with a degree of social contact. A great mixture. Your blog cheered me up immensely.

Lizzie Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 11:43am

Glad it cheered you up OB, I've read that about this country, that the variety in seasons and weather and scenery has potential for better mood lifting. Even if we do suffer some bleak winters. West Wales is stunning, when we go to South Wales I crave walks along the coast and a few weeks ago when we were there I'd have been in the sea given the chance!

Mary Wednesday Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 8:47am

Orangeblossom has chosen the right word, enchanting. I loved this blog and especially your line on snowdrops. With your permission, I will steal it for one of my stories!

Lizzie Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 11:45am

Thank you MW :) I always love reading your Wednesday blog!

Lynne Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 10:20am

Hi, my problem is I don't seem to have come out of the shadows for years now. I get a few days at a time that make me feel better and I can act happy when busy or out with friends but I always sink back down when I am alone at home. Nothing seems to have worked. Looking forward to a time when being happy and at peace again might happen.

Lizzie Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 11:47am

And it's so tiring putting on the act, but keep hoping and looking forward Lynne.

Carol Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 10:32am

I look out of my window I have a great view of Hills ..Trees and wild life wish I could become part of it . Wish this dark cloud would lift . Where's my energy gone motivation? I'm looking forward to that high I get yet dreading it at the same time I'm bipolar but I just want to be me normal ?

Lizzie Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 11:50am

I only know about bipolar from reading other blogs on here. I hope you find some solace in your views, you must see some extreme changes in weather and the seasons. Hope your dark cloud blows over...

The Gardener Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 11:13am

Thanks Lizzie - what I remember about depression is less the 'emerging into the light' but wondering however I got into it in the first place - and the real guilt about my awful mood - I possible saw them, in retrospect, as worse than they were. The traumas of the last 6 weeks, as Mr G has got worse in HIS temperament, I seem to have got knocked for six - no energy at all - probably a warning (all professionals have warned ma of a 'collapse' for the last two years). So, don't fret that the roses are falling all over the place, my terrace wall unbuilt - I will attack paper work - huge pile filing needs huge space.Re Spring - overwhelming colour here blue - clematis, a sort of cornflower which isn't, iris. I always have a white orchid next to my bed - would you believe it, only lasted 3 months - have to fall back on mock orange blossom till can afford another orchid

Nicco Mon, May 15th 2017 @ 9:47pm

Gardener - I have a poem for you... It's one of my favourites & I came across it again a few days ago - it made me think of you as I read your comment above. I hope you find this & get to read it... 'Take all the sorrows of your sorrowing Heart And fold them in the Flowers that God has given Within the Scented Silence rest apart, And in the Garden thou shalt find a Heaven. Take all the tears of Yesterday's despair, And all the tragedy of tearless pain, For Peace, more kind than Love, is waiting there to woo thy suffering Soul to Hope again. Take all the memories of shadowed hours And lose them in the fragrant Garden Ways. Glad Harmonies of Birds and Bees and Flowers Will change thy sighing into Hymns of Praise.' By M. Aumonier, from her book 'Gardens in Sun & Shade'. Best Wishes, Nicco.

Lizzie Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 11:56am

Yes, absolutely Gardener, I see my last three years in a way that I don't think my family do. I feel guilty for the way I interacted with them, or not but they will have different memories of it all.
My clematis is out too, it weaves along the fence down the side of our house, I can see it from here whilst I type. It's a deep pinky purple and is lovely in the sunshine today. Keep enjoying your roses and flowers if you can, they will do what they can always do whatever is going on in our lives.

The Gardener Sun, May 14th 2017 @ 2:25pm

Oh dear, the huge heap of papers is now six smaller heaps and a large 'miscellaneous'. Slept for ages among the bright red flowers of my terrace - avoiding guilt, and Fraulein 'Ought' (christened by a Moodscope reader) about doing something with Mr G. Shot my bolt wheel-chairing to mass - inertia rules OK, if something so indefinite can 'rule' - it's definitely a symptom of depression.

Nicco Mon, May 15th 2017 @ 9:40pm

Thank you for your blog, Lizzie. I had to read the first line twice as I misread it the first time. I thought it said '...coming out about depression...' which triggered a memory of when I started telling people about the fact that I actually do have it. It was such a liberating thing for me to do (after trying to hide it to the world beyond my immediate family for over 30yrs) and felt as if a little of the weight of it had lifted off me. Having read your first line correctly the second time, it triggered more memories - of how shaky I feel when coming out of a bout of it - like I'm walking a tightrope - one false move or wobble & I'd come crashing down again. And, strangely, it can happen when I'm 'properly' out of it too, ie, when I'm out of depression & feeling (relatively) ok, I can be merrily going about my business & one false move or wobble & I feel I could go crashing headlong down into the abyss again. Depression is a very odd & frightening thing to have to live with. I also feel for Gardener - I hate paperwork - if always feels so overwhelming - & when I do finally wade through it & sift it into smaller piles which I feel could be easier to deal with, it still feels overwhelming so it just gets gathered up & put aside again as it's taken so much energy to wade & sift that I have no more energy left to actually take any action with it! I used to have a lovely clematis in my old house - sadly none here, but I hope my garden will be transformed when my husband retires next year!

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