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24

March


Sling your hook. Tuesday March 24, 2015

Depression frustrates the life out of me. Tolerating its hideous and monstrous form, skulking around behind me makes me shudder. I am haunted into silence by its threat. Held hostage by its vice. Bruised and frightened. I wake and feel its blade against my throat and I am terrified to move. I feel if I do not move carefully, picking my way through the day it will smash me in one final giant body blow. It hurts to live this way. Physically hurts. Mentally hurts. It is not living.

How do I live again?

How do I pick up the shards it has left me with and piece them together into a form resembling something good, something pretty, something worth something to someone?

By recognising that I have been here before.

It's a path that already holds my footprints, all I have to do is press my feet into the prints I left myself. I must follow me, follow me, follow me. Endeavour to step quicker this time so that I might leave just one more print. Just keep looking forward. Do not look behind. Do not ask why. Look to the sun. Look to the sky. Just look. Do not hide.

It has no body. It cannot touch me. It is only me that gives it life.

Love from

The room above the garage
(Whose smile is temporarily out to lunch.)


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Comments

Mimine Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 6:12am

I am so sorry you are feeling this way at the moment and I wish this black cloud will lift again, as you so rightly say it has before.
What an ability you have to lay your emotions on paper. Your choice of meaningful words and expressive writing shows a beautiful soul. Always a pleasure to read you and wishing you better.

Mary Blackhurst Hill Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 7:11am

Oh RATG - this just familiar (and I wrote something similar last night for tomorrow). Hang on sweetie. We do know that it does get better; it just doesn'the seem like it at the moment, does it? Huge virtual and gentle hugs to you And blessings on you.

Green jean Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 7:51am

Hello RATG so sorry that the black cloud is big that it's hiding the sunshine of your life again. But the cloud will move and disperse to reveal lightness and hope again. Try not to beat yourself up and be kind as I know you are to others when they are ill. A huge hug from me which is also a thank you for your amazing messages. Bless tou

Hopeful One Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 8:03am

Hi RATG- so sorry to hear that the Black Dog is leading you rather than the other way around. Darling Just hold on when there is nothing but the will to hold on and it will pass away as all clouds do. I offer you my cyber hug.

Rupert Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 8:10am

So well written RATG and so true. As you say just keep following the well trodden path and you will emerge from this as you have done so many times before! Rupert

Anonymous Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 8:33am

Everyone's said what I also wanted to say, sending you a virtual hug, etc, but I do know from experience that you just have to hang on in there too. The cloud lifted for me a week ago. I am so excited to be myself again! My confidence is soooo much better.
What you are experiencing is horrid, horrid, horrid! X x x x

Anonymous Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 8:34am

P.s. Is yours season affected? Have you been to see a health professional?

Julia Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 8:43am

We've missed you ratg but you have been there from time to time hinting that all is not well.It's very brave of you to write when you feel depressed but you can write just as eloquently now as when you are happy. This is something to feel really positive about.

Di Murphey Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 11:22am

Dearest Room Above the Garage ~
Your eloquent words expose perhaps the bravest soul I've ever had the honor to read while trekking through yet another journey of tribulation. I am grateful for your authenticity.
Lovingly,
Di

Lexi Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 1:28pm

When I am in the deepest part of depression I think of this buddhist saying "The clouds covering the sky is only illusion. The sky is always there, above, just temporarily hidden by the clouds".

Anonymous Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 2:11pm

Dearest RATG, I am so sorry that you are in the place at the moment, it too will pass. I've had to up my tablets as I have had the two months from hell. I think the cloud is starting to lift as I have been spring cleaning and walked the dog (not the Black variety...although he's there, lurking!) and have just sat down properly since a few mins past seven this morning...it's now just gone 14.10....who says we housewives don't work hard???!!!

Am wishing you happier times that are just around the corner and a healthier noddle soonest. With the softest biggest hugs possible, Karen x x x

The Entertrainer Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 2:13pm

Hey RATG... I feel for and with you, but have to add, that was wonderful writing. I sometimes wonder if our pain helps us to write more moving prose and poetry? It's not much compensation for the misery but it is some compensation.
You touched me... and in so doing, I hope you are easing your own journey.

The Entertrainer Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 2:14pm

Love that wisdom, thanks, Lexi...

Anonymous Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 5:12pm

You always put into words just how I feel or have felt in the past. I find it a comfort to know we are not alone, it only feels that way. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Depression is baffling and lonely, try to look to the day when it will be better. Take care, Jean

Anonymous Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 6:36pm

hi ratg, comfy room....i think we all knew that you were not feeling great. Your special energy is so sweet and funny and helpful and insightful and we have all felt it and responded to it over the months. So now it's your turn to hopefully feel our energy as it is directed towards you with love and healing thoughts, Be well soon. And thanks for your blog--it captured the hideousness of it all so brilliantly. susan xx

Anonymous Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 8:08pm

Hi RATG: I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are - I've missed you! You write so eloquently - I do hope it helps, even if only a bit ...
And I love Lexi's Buddhist saying - for me looking at the sky is crucial ...
Wishing you (and everyone) peace of mind and heart as ever
Frankie

Anonymous Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 9:14pm

Each one of you has helped me today. I hate not replying individually but I'm about to slip into sleep and need to as it was an early start and a long day. Thank you each for every little word you posted. Had me welling up in a car park earlier...does anyone else find kindness almost too hard to take when they're a vulnerable mess? :-)
Keep walking everybody, I like walking with you all, and it does indeed help to know we're doing it together-apart. I'm keen to hear how everyone is... Di, how is your lovely brother?
See you all tomorrow, love from the room above the garage xx.

Anonymous Tue, Mar 24th 2015 @ 11:03pm

Oh yes - I can well relate to crying when someone shows kindness ... having just had a bad bout last week ... Frankie

Anonymous Wed, Mar 25th 2015 @ 1:57pm

thank you for writing and sharing this. I feel I can really relate and your words describing what you go thru resonate with me and my experience living with depression. Its hard work, hang on. and thank you it helps knowing others are struggling and we can get thru this together

Anonymous Thu, Mar 26th 2015 @ 12:11am

It's a lovely feeling to hear that some words might help others. Thank you. Love ratg x.

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