Self- doubt will it ever end?

17 Sep 2020
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I hoped that at this age I would be confident and not keep doubting myself. I was full of self-doubt through my childhood through studies through marriage through child rearing. I think having children made my self-doubt go through the roof until I realised that sometimes whatever I did was seen or judged by someone to be wrong.

 

A few years ago, I told my son that a cousin was engaged. When he told me that he had not heard the news I immediately blurted I must have it wrong and I was not sure. He told me recently he could not believe I would change my mind simply because he had told me he had not heard that news. I also doubt my answer when people tell me I have a fact wrong, like date or a capital city. That can be checked but I will always say that my answer is maybe wrong until it can be checked.

 

I know the last 2 are quite simple examples but it explains how I doubt myself.

What is self-doubt?

For me it may involve low self-esteem, not having the courage to follow my feelings, being unmotivated and procrastinating, being emotionally all over the place, having no confidence in the smallest of decisions. When trying to overcome self-doubt, I try to focus on the present moment rather than my past attempts, It can also be helpful to try to find people who are supportive and know your strengths.

People tell me to believe in myself, but I find that hard when others correct or doubt me. When I was on a high, I would be so impulsive and so full of confidence that I made many mistakes. Maybe as I get older, I tend to question and doubt everything, so I do not make the mistakes I made when I was impulsive.

That is my thoughts. I want to find out what self- doubt means to you?

What causes it? How can you avoid it? How can you try to overcome it? How has self- doubt affected your life or Why hasn’t self-doubt affected your life?

Is there a positive side to self- doubt in the sense it makes one cautious?

Leah

A Moodscope member

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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Comments

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 1:01 a.m.

Hi Leah Maybe self doubt is better than being over confident and as smug as a bug. That is the way your blog came across. As a lovely unassuming person. Molly xx

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 6:21 a.m.

Molly what kind words. I hope there is something between self doubt and smugness. I know people who are cionfident but not arrogant,

Valerie

Sept. 18, 2020, 6:56 a.m.

I agree with Molly.Low self-esteem gets a bad press,but such people are often decent and kind,much nicer than the confident ones.Everyone who goes into politics is full of self-confidence,no self-doubt.I rest my case.x

Valerie

Sept. 18, 2020, 6:57 a.m.

Molly,just read your comment from last night. Any better today? Hugs ***

Tutti Frutti

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:40 a.m.

Hi Molly I find your comment interesting as I wonder whether it is where some of my self doubt started. I went to a small rural comprehensive where I was pretty much top of my year and made much of by the teachers (dose of reality came later when I got into a bigger pond). Not exactly a recipe for popularity although I wasn't actually bullied. Anyway I remember a few of us being taken out on a trip by the music teacher. There was a girl in the year below me who was going on and on about how wonderful she was and I had this sudden thought that perhaps I was like her and started consciously playing my achievements down at school. I think it is much better if you can end up somewhere between smug as a bug and self doubt. Love TF x

Tutti Frutti

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:42 a.m.

Hi Val I totally agree that certain politicians could do with a bit of self doubt! Love TF x

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:45 a.m.

Val Thanks fir your comment, I think some self doubt is ok but too much can be crippling. I think confidence is good but bragging and smugness is not. The old happy medium I guess is worth trying for.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:47 a.m.

TF and Val was Ghandi a politician ? I think if politicians don’t have confidence in public they will be attacked by their opponents. In priivate some have self doubt but can’t show it,

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:48 a.m.

TF What a great reply. I agree somewhere in between would make my life easier.

Tutti Frutti

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:06 a.m.

Leah Yes Ghandi was a politician and a clear example of one who didn't need a healthy dose of self doubt. Obviously I hope you believe this because you think it rather than just because I do, but that's the sort of thing lots of us still need to work on! Love TF x

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:42 a.m.

I suppose I knew the answer before I asked the question, TF.

The Gardener

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:29 a.m.

TF - how common is it. You are the shining star in a small school or community - then in the big wide world you hit normality. I think the 'cliquiness' I am finding round here is that however small, someone clings to having a 'name' President(Chairman UK) here. x

The Gardener

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:32 a.m.

Leah, I've got over it. My mother was the champion of the 'put-down'. You're too big for your boots, who do you think you are, what do you think you look like. Any adornment, flowers, parties,table laying 'what do you want to do that for'. grrr

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:56 a.m.

Tg how long did it take fir you to ignore your mothers put downs

Marigold

Sept. 18, 2020, 10:54 a.m.

" Stop showing off" a k a being a child. "Bossy Boots" a k a having a voice. " Don't you dare speak like that" a k a having an idea. " Why can't you be more like XYZ?" a k a you're not good enough. I'm sure some more will pop into my brain.

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 12:33 p.m.

Hi everyone. Thanks Val, a tad better today but not in the best place *** Politicians, I worked in politics, and it’s an emotional rollercoaster for those who are not strong and thick skinned. And yes if anyone showed any kind of weakness they would be slated. Not me because I was a mere secretary but It still bothered me and a real eye opener for sure xx

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 12:40 p.m.

TF, that’s interesting. Somewhere in between would be good wouldn’t it. It’s a tough balance to not ‘big up’ our kids but not put them down either. I was never praised. My mother had such low self esteem herself, I don’t think she ever believed she could possibly produce children that were worth anything because of her own lack of self worth xx

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:11 p.m.

marigold yes it is interesting we recall all those out downs but we find it hard to recall the kind things People have said. I know aI am a sponge to put downs and a sieve to positive comments. I wonder if I could reverse that and if that is a key to not self doubting so much.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:13 p.m.

molly thanks for that insight. I think it is sad that people who show any kind of weakness don’t enter politics or leave very quickly. I think the NZ prime minister is showing you can apologise and she shows she is strong but vulnerable.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:19 p.m.

Molly That balance is hard to achieve sometimes. A child I remember my weaknesses being pointed out but in a way to self improve. I wrote a blog about concentrating on a child’s strengths and not point out the weaknesses. When I was an adult my dad became very proud of me and would exaggerate what I did. I once went to a workshop and he told every one I was running the workshop!! It was so sweet but as I child I was told I was clumsy which I was and messy etc . maybe he sense he didn’t have much time left with me as this Was a few months before he died.

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:48 p.m.

That’s a nice memory to keep Leah xx

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:22 a.m.

Yes it isI portent to remember the good times. When he died I would be upset that I had been a bit mean to him. I doubted that I was a kind daughter.

Paul

Sept. 18, 2020, 3:33 a.m.

Hi Leah I can relate to do many of the blogs you write. I am very similar and like Molly said I think it’s better to be this way than Being an overconfident Bullshiter Excuse my language. The world seems to be full of them. I think it’s stems from when we were young people being corrected all the time it was for me anyway. Being slightly dyslexic doesn’t help either. Don’t change to much as you come across as well grounded Leah I can make fun of myself these days and try to laugh when I’m wrong. Will leave on a bit of humour. Slogan of the day Dyxlesic lives matress Paul

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 6:24 a.m.

Yes when i was a child many many decades ago when parents said we correct you because we love you. At school I had red marks through my work for untidy writing! Thanks for your comment.

Tutti Frutti

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:59 a.m.

Hi Paul I love your slogan of the day. I hope Hopeful One is reading as he is always recommending laughter as a way to give ourselves a boost. Love TF x

Tutti Frutti

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:02 a.m.

Hi Paul and Leah I also find many of Leah's blogs really helpful. I can often guess as I am reading that the blog is written by you Leah. Thanks and do keep them coming. Love TF x

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:41 a.m.

Thanks TF does that mean I am too predictable of course I should say I thanks for your kind words.

Tutti Frutti

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:18 a.m.

I find I can recognise the styles of quite a few of the regular bloggers Leah. Thank you for writing for us. TF x

The Gardener

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:35 a.m.

TF, said this before - I had been a free-lance writer for a long time. I was employed for a 'prestige' journalist job because of my knowledge and 'style'. Then the editor tried to knock it out of me. Many of us are recognisable - hope, like Leah, not too predictable.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:57 a.m.

Tg you have had many interesting jobs.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:21 p.m.

TF thanks for your kind words. I have to learn to accept kind comments . I am trying and I do appreciate them. I mean people recognise Shakespeares words.

Tutti Frutti

Sept. 19, 2020, 6:40 a.m.

Hi Leah Accepting rather than disqualifying compliments is definitely a good start though takes practice. I went on an assertiveness course once and you had to go round the room complimenting the person next to you and the only response you were allowed to make was thank you (preferably also with a smile). It felt really good to get a plausible compliment and not immediately start to argue back and downplay it. TF x

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:24 a.m.

TF I had a friend who would out her seld down when you said something positive to her. I used say something nice asa question. Instead of I like that hat. Where did you buy that hat as it looks good on you.

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:27 a.m.

TF First line should readI had a friend who put herself down

Daisy

Sept. 18, 2020, 5:07 a.m.

Hi Leah- I find I have self doubt about the wrong things. If I was more outwardly confident in certain situations it would be helpful. Just at the moments I need it it won’t be there. Other things where I am confident actually I have got it all wrong Somebody said lack of Confidence can be because as a child your parents criticised you a lot. Unintentionally this may have happened to me. Also culturallly it was rude to brag or show off. I agree with Molly and Paul I find it quite unattractive trait to be smug. Thanks Leah another interesting blog

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 6:26 a.m.

Daisy, I agree I can be confident about things that dont matter but then doubt myself when it counts, this tear I think because of all the changes and loss I find myself doubting myself more.

Patty

Sept. 18, 2020, 4:05 p.m.

I don't think my self doubt is because my parents tore me down because they didn't. My dad was kind of perfectionists which is something I could feel and see he probably expected us to behave properly. I believe it is just in myself to be doubtful. I do the same thing. If someone says something elsr, I think i am the wrong one, even though I'm sure I'm not.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:22 p.m.

patty, I think it is a mixture for me of internal thoughts and external comments. As I wrote before I find being stressed makes me self doubt more. Thanks for your comment.

April

Sept. 18, 2020, 5:20 a.m.

Hi Leah I suffer with ‘self doubt’ although I almost hate calling it that because it’s my father who planted the seeds in me that I’m always wrong and he corrected me and overruled me all the time so I developed a complete lack of confidence in myself but years on I’ve had therapy and obviously I’m older and wiser and now I don’t like to think of it as self doubt but try to see it as what’s been planted in me. I do still second guess myself and get things wrong sometimes but I try to be brave and say what I think and then if it’s wrong I try to accept that we’re all wrong sometimes. Well at least that’s what I try to do. Thankyou for your blog! April ?

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 6:34 a.m.

April, thanks for sharing your experience. My parents corrected me but they also encouraged me. I think when I am stressed or critised by close ones even constructive criticism I start doubting myself. I le that you try to be brave and risk making a mistake.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:24 p.m.

April do you find being aware of trying to change from self doubt helps you?

Jul

Sept. 18, 2020, 6:52 a.m.

Hello Leah. I can relate so much with the immediate doubt you expressed immediately after telling your son a cousin was engaged. I am the same and can think of many instances when I am thrown into confusion/ doubt when something I say that's immediately refuted. Over the years I've concluded that two things are at play here, one that it's power thing by the person who makes us doubt ourselves. And that we or I need to pause and not immediately assume and say I must be wrong. I've found that often the person who says I am wrong is usually wrong and I am right. Definitely a power thing which others have got used to winning. But sadly even when it's proved that I was right all along, I am seen a silly for insisting I was right. Some people's self confidence is never dented even when it's patently obvious they've said something silly and not factually correct. Basically I see the issue here as other's attitude towards us which is entrenched because of our reaction and self doubt which can be preyed upon and targeted by those with a power trip. We can change all this by copying the attitude of those who are never wrong lol! But as many will say here, we don't want to turn into them. I do think self doubt needs to be nipped in the bud as soon as possible when it's not necessary. But a certain amount makes us human and nice to be around. Jul xx

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:50 a.m.

Jul, thanks for your thought post. I do like your last two lines and do relate to them. I do think self doubt needs to be nipped in the bud as soon as possible when it's not necessary. But a certain amount makes us human and nice to be around. Jul xx

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 12:46 p.m.

Interesting response Jul. Good read xx

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:25 p.m.

julI like the idea of realising their is power involved by the person making us self doubt and to pause and realise we may not be wrong. they are valid points to remember.

Sally

Sept. 18, 2020, 6:56 a.m.

Self doubt makes me opt out of things. For instance, many rules for group I belong to. Fear of getting it wrong ( forgetting the mask, cleaning the table wrong ) means I simply opt out. Easier to stay at home than face criticism. As usual Leah, you’ve tapped into an area that chimes with me.

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:51 a.m.

Sally, I don’t join online groups as they have rules and Iam afraid of breaking one ! I was shouted at earlier in year fir being too close to someone but I wasn’t.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:27 p.m.

sally do you have a plan of how to stop our self doubt from joining groups? I would be interested if anyone has an idea too?

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:25 p.m.

I can’t be doing with rules really. It usually defeats the object of something that you are supposed to be either enjoying or finding supportive. I have joined online groups in the past and have found that the people who run them just want to jump on people all of the time, it’s their little power trip. I couldn’t stand the word ‘Admin’ I offered to be an Admin once, until I saw the rules. So I just stick to Moodscope now. A mature clientele and professionally run xx

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:29 a.m.

Molly I joined a local group where people give items away but there were so many rules Nd if you made a mistake they banned you from the site.

Jul

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:14 a.m.

Happy New year Leah! Jul xx

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:52 a.m.

Thanks jul I am hoping this year is sweeter than last year.

AndrewH

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:21 a.m.

Hi Leah I relate to your experience with schoolwork being red lined as untidy, I even had one teacher who used to screw up my essays into a ball and throw them at me. I have dyspraxia but when I was at school they didn't understand it and is was alternatively known as Clumsy Child Syndrome - wow that name didn't help my self confidence! Many many years later my Dad admitted to my Uncle that he felt guilty as he'd never really understood what was wrong with me. Shame he never said it to my face. When I started work I quickly had to develop a shield of apparent self confidence - by which I mean arrogance. Working in the City in the 80s/90s that was the culture. Inside I always believed I was wrong about everything and not capable of doing my job.

Reply

Marigold

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:45 a.m.

thats so interesting Andrew. I am absolutely convinced that I had/have dyspraxia..

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:54 a.m.

AndrewI have never heard of clumsy child syndrome. I am so clumsy I never learnt to drive, was hopeless at sports, very untidy, messy writing etc. is there a cure.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:54 a.m.

Marigold me too.

AndrewH

Sept. 18, 2020, 4:22 p.m.

Thankfully the name Clumsy Child Syndrome stopped being used 30-40 years ago - it's always called dyspraxia now. It can affect people in different ways and differing severities. There is no cure, just ways to learn to manage it. Also schools/universities are much more aware and support available. For example, my son was allowed extra time in exams and, on longer exams, breaks. Possible symptoms of dyspraxia (per NHS website below), but most dyspraxics don't have the full set thankfully. co-ordination, balance and movement learning new skills, thinking, and remembering information at work and in leisure activities daily living skills, such as dressing or preparing meals to time writing, typing, drawing and grasping small objects social situations dealing with your emotions time management, planning and personal organisation

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:31 p.m.

Thank you Andrew so much. I was always told I was messy untidy clumsy disorganised etc and maybe I don’t have dyspraxia though I can relate to most of the symptoms. At school was often humiliated by having my messy work shown in front of the class As if that would help be be tidier, I write a blog about handing untidy genes. I think at my senior age maybe too late to change anything but I am glad young people are getting help now.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:38 p.m.

Andrew when I was ar school boys were seen as being untidy etc but girls were meant to be clean neat and tidy which made me feel like a failure. your post has really helped me understand. I am sad your teacher did that I also had teachers rip out pages from my book in disgust. I am glad things have changed

Salt Water Mum

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:30 a.m.

Oh this resonates so much with me, Leah. I often say something that I know to be true and the other person corrects or questions it and I am immediately filled with self doubt. And I retract or often what I say is 'I'm not 100% sure but I'm 85% sure...' This is often something that I know for a fact but the self doubt needles away at me. Then later that day, I might check the fact and find I'm right and I feel so cross with myself for not believing in my myself iykwim!! Still... I'd rather my self-doubt than be a smug pain in the ****!! Do you know what I'd love though? A good heathy dollop of self confidence. I've been working on that one for years - I'm a work in progress!! swm x

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 7:56 a.m.

SWM I relate to your post. Yes a bit of self confidence would go a long way. I have shown someone proof my answer was right and they still argue as they can not admit they made a mistake. I feel sorry fir people like that.

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 12:55 p.m.

SWM, I can relate too. Self confidence is key with so many things. I try to put it into practice and it lasts about ten minutes. I’ve always found I can appear confident with strangers more than I can with people I know xx

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:40 p.m.

Molly, that is interesting about being more confident with strangers than people You know, I think I maybe the same. I have emotional baggage with people I know.

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:10 p.m.

Leah I think for me, (got me thinking!) it’s not so much about emotional baggage, it’s about pretending I’m someone I’m not. Which has also been mentioned. The mask. Not if I’m depressed, impossible then, I would act more like a mouse when depressed. I’ve been in social situations where I cannot even speak. Very embarrassing. But looking back, I realise it wasn’t so much my fault but the way others made me feel xx

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:31 a.m.

Molly thanks for explaining

Oli

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:15 a.m.

In a moment I’ll mention two practical things which have helped me Leah. I was over-confident in some of my abilities till I got to university when it slowly dawned on me that I was not as smart as I thought I was. A bit of realistic humility was a good thing. But then I made the mistake of thinking that everyone who acted confident really was confident. This held me back for ages because I certainly didn’t feel confident. Later I realised that many of these people came from a class and background which trained them how to behave that way. In my own way I adapted this understanding: (1) I learned that I could keep my doubts to myself. This ceased to feel dishonest when I realised that in order to do my work better I really needed to project confidence. While projecting confidence didn’t matter much when I was a motorcycle courier it became important when I wanted to start working with people. Once I learned that I could keep my doubts to myself I could be honest without feeling I was BSing people. (Because that’s what projecting confidence *felt* like at first; it felt like I was BSing people, but I wasn’t.) (2) I got better at seeing through other people’s masks of confidence. This is not an exact science and I mentioned the other day that I recently stood up for myself against someone who, until that moment, had undermined my confidence. The key is keeping calm. When “they” get you to become emotional that’s when you’re vulnerable to their suggestions. But when I kept calm and kept all emotion out of it then I was able to listen to what they were *actually* saying, and remember it — and remember it five minutes later when they had stopped ranting and trying to up the emotional ante. Keeping calm = self-confidence to work out what is actually going on, not what they *say* is going on. Great blog Leah, thank you. Self-confidence is a skill set of things to do which now makes more sense to me as “behaviour” rather than a feeling.

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Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:46 a.m.

Oli, Once again a detailed answer giving us lots to think about,, I know about pretending to be confident as I have done that a lot so people see me as confident. I will look at the skill set needed, I find that after a stressful event my confidence fades.

Oli

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:18 a.m.

You've got me thinking too Leah. I was never really happy with pretending to be confident -- feels false. So rather than doing this pretend positive thing, I think I'm happier with behaving so that I don't show my negative self-doubt. It's an interesting distinction which I'm not sure I fully understand myself! But absolutely 100% with you on the way stress [emotion] wreaks confidence. Learning to be dispassionate in the heat of the moment is, I reckon, skill #1. I began by modelling someone who could do it and i copied them.

Tutti Frutti

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:33 a.m.

Hi Oli This is really interesting. You always come across as really thoughtful and in command of your subject - so I had always assumed that you were in your element from the outset at university. I had the same sort of experience of realising that I really wasn't as smart as I thought I was when I went to university. (If you read my response to Molly above university is the big pond where I got a dose of realism.) You are probably right about background having given some of the others their aura of confidence. And we are back to the dangers of comparing ourselves and in particular "don't compare your inside to others outsides". I struggle with your recommendation number 1 I think and find it very difficult to keep my emotions out of situations. Love TF x

The Gardener

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:45 a.m.

My word for what you are talking about is 'bravado'. I was on a panel of 4, in a hall with 400 Womens Institute members. We had to run the gauntlet of the lot, I was the only woman on the panel and I had a tight, but beautiful trouser suit. I can still feel the eyes!

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:51 a.m.

Oli I like the distinction but I am not sure I could do with out feeling i was pretending,

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:55 a.m.

TF Oli and you have both made interesting points. I too find it hard to keep emotions out of things.

Oli

Sept. 18, 2020, 1:20 p.m.

@TF -Yes! I was reading your reply to Molly and thinking, "Snap!" Spotting relationships of comparison with others is incredibly revealing. On a personal note I've often wondered if it's why I isolate so much -- because this allows me to control my exposure to these frames of reference. PS -- for keeping emotion out of things I rehearsed the scenario of imagining a particular person getting annoyed. I vividly imagined what it would it be like if... I were simply like the dash cam in my car? Just recording events without getting caught up in them. When it happened in real life the other week I took the cue and became like my car's dash cam. It was really interesting actually. Imagining the filming; the time stamp on each of the things being said. Just recording. And when the person was done, playing them back. Then when this was disputed, playing them back again.

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:44 p.m.

Oli Your dome t has given me more to think about. I don’t know what a dash cam is but I know what a video is and a recorder so I think I could sue that technique. I often get so emotional I misread people’s behaviour. I often think people are mad at me when they are not. I like the idea of playing back events.

Jul

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:18 a.m.

I wanted to add that I live with someone who never replies immediately to something I've said which makes me think what I've said must be incorrect so I say something else which explains what I mean or I express doubt about it. Or USED to! Now I relax through the silence and am silent myself until that person acknowledges what I've said. I'm not saying it's a deliberate tactic on his part..oh heavens no why would I say that?! I have to admit I've tried to copy him and not responded immediately to his words of wisdom and I can tell he's suddenly not comfortable. Oh dear the restrictions of Covid 19 have brought out the worst in me. Jul xx

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:50 a.m.

Jul, That is an interesting observation about silences. I find when someone says I have not heard of that I immediately think I am wrong.

Tutti Frutti

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:43 a.m.

I used to line manage someone who would leave very long silences without seeming to notice. At first I found it very uncomfortable to leave the silence but I had to because I was trying to get him to think about things and didn't want to answer all my questions for him. In the end we reached a workable arrangement where I would interrupt the silence and ask him to go away and think about it. I frequently got a really good answer back in the end but it could take days. So I think some folks are just built with long silences ingrained. Not that this makes life easier for you Jul. I do sympathise with your frustration. Love TF x

Jul

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:49 a.m.

Thank you TF. Funnily enough this morning on our walk, when there was a silence I said the very same thing you have, which is why don't you think about it and let me know. No rush! I agree I always used to give him answers to fill in the uncomfortable silence. You made me laugh TF when you said sometimes it would take days for your work colleague to come back to you! Glad you understand. Jul. xx

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 10:02 a.m.

Jul Do you think some people use Silence as a way of controlling the conversation.?

Jul

Sept. 18, 2020, 11:36 a.m.

I am sure some people do. I've tried it as said above but find it cruel and can't sustain it for long. I think if people get away with silence as a weapon and it produces the desired result, they'll see it as successful tool to use in the future. Jul xx

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 1:03 p.m.

Yes silences can be just a delayed reaction or done to intimidate. I had a friend that used to say ‘sorry?’ Or ‘pardon?’ It wasn’t that she couldn’t hear me but it gave her more time to think of the answer to the question. I brought this up with her once and she smiled and said I was right. Clever tactic maybe but I found it controlling xx

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:48 p.m.

Molly ,Jul, TF Silence is such an interesting topic, is it just part of ones thinking pattern or is it used to control. I know on the phone sometimes If you don’t hear from other person you think the line has gone but other times the person is just listening. that’s why I am not fond of using the phone a lot.

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 9:41 p.m.

It’s almost a forced conversation on the phone isn’t it. Someone has to speak or it’s “are you still there?” I don’t like phones at all xx

Jul

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:18 a.m.

Yes Molly I agree that pretending not to hear is another controlling tactic. Amazing your friend admitted she was doing this. I don't like phones! Jul x

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:35 a.m.

I have the trouble with a partner who dies not hear me but says I didn’t say it or didn’t say it correctly when he misses what I say. He is so adamant and gets angry so I just agree with him to avoid conflict.he won’t get his hearing checked.

Molly

Sept. 19, 2020, 2:01 p.m.

Leah people who actually don’t hear you, it is very frustrating. I have quite a soft voice so I have to shout which is a real effort. My parents both wear heating aids now but I swear they don’t work half the time! My mother will blame me if she can’t hear me “you need to speak up” she says. Can’t possibly be her fault!! My neighbour is deaf and refuses to wear a hearing aid. She swears her phone isn’t working but it’s simply because she can’t hear. There’s nothing wrong with the phone!

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 10:20 p.m.

Molly it is frustrating, I guess it’s about their pride so it is easier to blame others than admit their hearing is weak,

Molly

Sept. 19, 2020, 11:15 p.m.

Yes absolutely

Orangeblossom

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:25 a.m.

Many thanks for your blog Leah. It fully resonated for me today. My default position is always to feel guilty or at fault. Maybe there are some situations where I have made mistakes. I just need to acknowledge these & move on. Not overthink the situation. Learning to let go after accepting my mistake is what I need to work on today.

Reply

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:54 a.m.

Orange blossom, Yes feeling guilty is not the best reaction. I think realising you are human is a start.

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 1:15 p.m.

Orange, I’m the same, I have always been this way and I don’t suppose I will change but comforting words like you and Leah have expressed helps. Overthinking! Gosh the bane of my life!!! Molly xx

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:04 p.m.

Molly I overthink too then I overthink that I over think and I over analyse every thing till my brain hurts,! People say being aware is a start but I wonder as I have done this all my life.

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:43 p.m.

Leah, I guess being aware is good, but it doesn’t stop it happening does it. I think it must just be the way we are. Sometimes I go over and over a conversation (ruminating I guess) And there need not to have been anything wrong with the conversation at all, but I seem to replay it in my head. As for the bigger stuff, *** help me but it’s good to be reminded on here (especially recently) that a lot of things we think are not even true xx

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:51 p.m.

Molly I relate to your post. the ruminating of things from decades ago the just pop into mind out of nowhere is so frustrating. I know I have overthought things then found out I misinterpreted the whole thing!!

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 10:17 p.m.

Yes Leah, me too. I’m also not sure if our memories serve us that well at times xx

Jul

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:22 a.m.

I also think our memories can often be very different from others' who attended the same event. So I think but not sure, that our memories are very personal and unique to us but also can be distorted especially if they are negative. Jul xx

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:37 a.m.

Jul I know with my brothers Iwill recall things they don’t andthey recslll thugs in a different way.

Molly

Sept. 19, 2020, 1:51 p.m.

Yes Jul and Leah, an interesting topic isn’t it, one for a blog maybe? Molly XX

Lexi

Sept. 18, 2020, 1:51 p.m.

Hi Leah, very interesting blog. I haven't read the other comments yet - 61! You should not have any doubt that you write such wonderful thought provoking blogs! - but for me, my self doubt has lessened over the years by me practicing listening to my gut. It's a practice to be sure but when I have to make a decision or I want to do something I get very quiet and try to meditate and listen to how the decision makes me feel. It takes practice but I find that when I listen to my gut, I am never wrong. I get it wrong when I misread my gut or go against/ignore my gut feelings. And it takes practice to separate your feelings from those of others, but with practice you can do it. I've seen it work. xo

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Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 2:53 p.m.

So true Lexi Wexi. I think we should always listen to our gut xx

Lexi

Sept. 18, 2020, 6:11 p.m.

Lexi Wexi xoxo love it Molly!

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:08 p.m.

Lexi thanks for your kind words. Iam not sure what people mean when they say listen to your gut, Ok I think I understand but my gut only tell me I am hungry!! I think as I doubt myself so much I never really have that strong feeling of what I should do. I think at my age maybe it is too late too find that gut feeling again. You

Leah

Sept. 18, 2020, 8:08 p.m.

Lexi Wexi sounds quite comforting !!

Lexi

Sept. 18, 2020, 10:04 p.m.

Leah, I'm 51 and for years I thought everyone else knew better than me. From a child changing my answers on a test because I saw the person next to me had a different answer (my original ones were usually correct) to borrowing my friends' clothes because I didn't think mine were good to always saying "oh, you must be right, I must be wrong" all the time....but my therapist is helping me see that we all have knowledge and power within. We just weren't wired to think we have it. So it takes practice to start listening to ourselves. You are never too old to discover yourself xoxo

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 10:14 p.m.

It’s about instinct Leah. So about trusting your own initial thought. So if you were doing a quiz game, and you automatically think it’s A rather than B, go with the first thought. Obviously life is not a quiz game but if you feel/think in a certain way. Go with it. I’m going to write further below xx

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:38 a.m.

Sometimes my first instinct is wrong.

Molly

Sept. 19, 2020, 3:46 p.m.

Well of course, we can’t always be right!

Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 10:23 p.m.

I know people who are always right! I am usually wrong.!

Molly

Sept. 19, 2020, 11:20 p.m.

Well I would like to meet a person who is always right ! Impossible, It’s just the way you are perceiving it, I think xx

Molly

Sept. 18, 2020, 10:42 p.m.

Leah, I just wanted to say thanks for the blog. As usual you have created a good discussion. Self doubt is major for me. I wish I could trust myself more. Even with things like ‘did I do that or not’ I can’t think of an example now. Husband picks me up on some things, which makes me think he doesn’t trust my judgement. I’m usually right! He will often say “are you sure?”. Then comes the self doubt! I think in general with opinions and things (when often there is no right or wrong) it can really depend on how that view comes across. People believe what they want to believe. I don’t know if I’m making sense (self doubt). It’s a wide subject. Certainly one that many can relate to. Thanks again. Molly xx

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Leah

Sept. 19, 2020, 7:39 a.m.

Thanks Molly I can relate and you make a lot of sense.

Hugo

Sept. 20, 2020, 3:16 p.m.

Hi Leah, self doubt we are all riddled with, some potentially more than others. With low self esteem comes self doubt, I’ve felt it and know it very well and I’ve also seen it! I too doubt myself quite a lot because I know I could potentially be wrong or could make a fool of myself if I am wrong. I guess what we need to believe is that whatever the decisions we make we could potentially be wrong but also could potentially be right? So there are two sides and is it not better to think of the latter? We all make mistakes, sometimes over and over and over again but we eventually learn from them. I get this feeling of self doubt a lot when at work..even though others don’t doubt my work or ability! So it stems from somewhere and still trying to find out where. Hope your self esteem starts to build slowly and it’s a *** **** long and hard process Leah but do and try different things in your life even if it seems silly or just plain scary! Hope you okay.

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Leah

Sept. 21, 2020, 6:59 a.m.

Hugo thanks for your comment. I like the two decides view and I use that but when I am doubted by another I immediately start thinking I am wrong. Thanks Hugo. Trying new things is worth it.I am sorry you feel self doubt at work. It is hard to see if it is internal or external.

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