Moodscope's blog

28

May


Seeking. Thursday May 28, 2015

Drifting around the country,
Seeking life and fun.
I’m over my depression,
I think I’ve finally won.

It was a spiritual thing for me,
Not a lack of chemical shots.
Nor the need to work things out,
With a colourless heartless lot. (NHS)

I’ve finally got my life back,
To be the human I once was.
Before I married a twin,
And was crushed within her claws.

I now see the sunshine daily,
And feel the wind in my cheeks.
I can smell the changing seasons,
I’ve found the life that I seek.

I’m finally free to be me,
To take the time inside.
To explore what I find in there,
To turn a personal tide.

To stand on the shores I visit,
Look out on horizons anew.
To cross that chasm in one step,
But I feel we are so few.

Those that can step over discomfort,
Those that inscape each day,
Those that refuse to escape,
Where things outside hold sway.

People search for something out there,
False hope in this material world.
It will always rest constantly in here,
A personal flag unfurled.

For sure it isn’t easy,
For sure it will cause some pain,
For sure tomorrow can be dark,
Until we see we can actually gain.

A deeper insight in to me,
From a time taken to look.
To finally find my vocation,
Not look in some bloody book.

The world is moving from IQ,
That old Newtonian view.
It’s time to fully embrace EQ,
To find out who is truly you.

So step into perpetual discomfort,
And don’t seek to solve your pain.
But keep on walking that dark tunnel,
A new life through which to gain.

Responsibility for all that you do,
Not blaming something out there.
Because the only hope for my future,
Is if I constantly dare.

To become more self-aware,
And turn my needs to wants.
To understand more fully,
My dark internal taunts.

Drifting around the country,
Seeking life and fun.
I’m over my depression,
I think I’ve finally won.

Les
A Moodscope member.


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Comments

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 6:37am

Wow, Les, what a great away to start the day! I hope this is truly a new you free from depressive thoughts. I feel like I am winning, finally. Something clicked in me and I am getting stronger daily without the meds, I am pleased to say!
However, things and life still happen...I know this; it isn't always plain sailing but I am hoping that I'm n the right course now, steering into a brighter future where I will be able to cope when things are tough, when friends are hurtful, I'll know it's isn't always me but them. When someone dies, I'll try to help those who are left...if they want the help and I'll try not to be offended if they don't want my help.
Because understanding my EQ seems to help a lot. I am a very emotional person, always have been and I realise that it's ok to be me, that emotional person. I did ask my husband if I should go back on the pills as I seem to cry at anything but he said no, it's just part of me.
There are sad tears and happy tears...and that's just that! Thanks Les, Karen :)

Jonathan Brinckman Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 6:40am

Nice poem!

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 7:08am

"I'm walking on sunshine ..." again!
Brilliant Les; great news.
Frankie (grinning broadly)

Hopeful One Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 8:43am

Hi Les- WOW! The Poet strikes again ! Today you have given this Moodscopper a boost to my hope if it was flagging at the prospect of that relentless climb.

Ginge Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 8:57am

Hello Les, I like poetry too as you can see if you browse my blog.

I like your poem, very personal testimony. My only criticism would be that you did not need to add NHS in brackets after one of those verses as it wasn't complimentary to refer to them as a colourless lot. NHS and the staff who work for them do their best for the patients who come through their door. Also, NHS supports the Moodscope page.

Ginge Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 8:57am

Hello Les, I like poetry too as you can see if you browse my blog.

I like your poem, very personal testimony. My only criticism would be that you did not need to add NHS in brackets after one of those verses as it wasn't complimentary to refer to them as a colourless lot. NHS and the staff who work for them do their best for the patients who come through their door. Also, NHS supports the Moodscope page.

Les Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 9:38am

Hi Ginge

Let me explain........

Yup - I add my own personal 'colour' by adding the NHS - who made my life very difficult over the years - to the extent I once had to escape the psychiatric ward when they threatened to section me! I called my own GP who had helped to find a hospital who would allow me to get out of my own area (to avoid the media) while enabling me to exercise - except they would not believe a word I said when I arrived and I said I brought myself in - so I'll now take myself out! The reply was - 'you walk out that door and we will section you.' I was trapped and held against my and my GPs will.

The only driving factor in that ward was that you will not commit suicide on their watch. One flew over the cuckoos nest part 2.

There are for sure MANY good people in the NHS - they usually operate in a way that actually gets them into difficulty with an almost totally fear driven, protectionist, IQ system attempting to deal with an EQ world.

Physical health - following well tried general processes - FAB.

Mental health - following IQ processes and a chemical medical model with some human intervention - which you'll wait months and months for - in my experience - awful.

Each human being is as unique as their fingerprints.....the NHS due to funding and having to deal with a population that keeps getting fatter and thus more unhealthy and costly - will never be able to cope with mental health - no matter how good certain passionate people are. Which is why there are SO many sites that seek to assist people in a way that helps them - including thankfully Moodscope.

I'm also sure there will be people who are thankful for NHS mental health services...........I can write what I write and hopefully connect due to my passion and honesty.

The NHS is VERY poor in mental health terms - there are pockets of excellence and even compassion (which there is none of in the ward) but its due to the people and not the system.

You want to see the poems about my non caring and almost bullying psychiatrist or the talking therapist that struggled with my questions more than I struggled with hers! Neither of them in human-being mode.....always in Human-doing.....never taking the risk of showing themselves - in case they were sued or reported. And in the system they are in - that's the safest way.

I can only give you my experience......whether in life - love - loss or learning.

Ginge Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 10:33am

I am sorry if my comment forced you to relive a terrible experience in your life.

Thank you for sharing the poem, and your openness in sharing what you went through there

Like most things, NHS has its rotten tomatoes. Sounds like you landed in a vat of rotten tomatoes.

Ginge Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 10:33am

I am sorry if my comment forced you to relive a terrible experience in your life.

Thank you for sharing the poem, and your openness in sharing what you went through there

Like most things, NHS has its rotten tomatoes. Sounds like you landed in a vat of rotten tomatoes.

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 10:38am

Oh Les, this is a most joyful blog. So happy for you and LONG may it continue! And if there are blips, remember how this feels and know that you will return to it more and more easily, faster and faster. On an aside, just want to let you know that my husband has resigned. All your fault! Bless you. susan xx

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 10:50am

Beautiful poem. Julia from France

Julia Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 11:02am

Another Julia? Who wrote this? Bizarre!

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 11:05am

Les

Thank you and may your wants be fulfilled.

Julia Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 11:08am

IF there is another Julia, then great but I will start using another name to avoid confusion! I feel quite spooked by this and have asked Caroline to investigate. Hopefully it's all very innocent.

Les Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 3:40pm

Hi Ginge

nae hassle at all......

Always useful to explore stuff and to offer personal experiences / opinions for others to be aware of.

I'm sure our dialogue will simply cause others to think of their own experience and how it was for them........which can only be beneficial.

All experiences are to be learned from.

Thanks for firstly commenting and secondly for responding.....good stuff.

Les Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 3:42pm

Hi Susan

Oh dear.......I would hope he and therefore you....will now be happier and more aligned with your values..!!??

Thanks for your comments.

Les Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 3:45pm

Hi Karen

Being you sounds fab to me......who else would you want to be if not you?

Keep getting stronger each day....see it and feel it......hopefully your Moodscope graph reflects that and reinforces the rise of your spirits.......

EQ rules.... :-)

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 4:34pm

Oooh :-( We'll know which one is you in the meantime because you are recognisable from the way you write. Hope it's sorted out soon, love ratg x.

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 4:39pm

Ah Les, how good to see! I'm curious, is this as far as you have ever been in your journey? Or have you been in and out for some time? I'm delighted for you. I feel like an astronaut whose fellow astronaut has just come back in from walking on the moon. "How is it oot there?" :-D.
Hope you'll stay with us a while, love from the room above the garage x.

Jac Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 5:28pm

Well done Les. Congratulations on reaching your goal. May you stay there a long time x

Les Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 5:35pm

Hi RATG

After 23 years of on and off depression and suicidal thoughts + 1 attempt.....I do feel the best I have been since before my marriage.....

My spirit feels as tho it will not go back there.........and thus I will see it so unless I fall............

The lows were getting slightly higher and also shorter........I have also recently started dating the opposite sex again.....and finding that fun and rewarding.......sharing and exploring with kindred spirits......fab.

There is also more work appearing - as there always is when I have my brain in situ...

My divorce which has been dragging on for 7 years.....is likely to come to an end soon....after costing more than the house cost in 1991!!

As Ian Dury and the Blockheads said 'Reasons to be cheerful'....

That's not to say I won't still be able to 'feel' and write from a dark place as my previous blog in April about 'Deep Dark Depression' (April 30th)

So in short - yes furthest I've ever felt along the Road Les Travelled.

Take care RATG

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 6:06pm

Absolutely, yes. It was the right thing, for all the reasons you talked about last week. Feeling very positive. Thank you, again. susan xx

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 7:51pm

That is ALL wonderful news to read! I feel I'm currently at a point I haven't been before and, like you, something has shifted. I know I still have much work to do...but I'm clearer and stronger aiming for clear and strong. It's made me very 'deep down happy' to see your progress today. Fantastic :-) love ratg x.

Anonymous Thu, May 28th 2015 @ 7:54pm

p.s. "The Road Les Travelled"...clever much! :-)

Anonymous Mon, Jun 1st 2015 @ 5:52pm

Hi Les
What a contrast from April 30th blog, it's not easy for people to come to terms with pain, recognise it and learn from it. A gift for so few out there, I wish you every success on your new found journey. X

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