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Saying Goodbye. Saturday September 2, 2017

Yesterday my very courageous daughter said her goodbyes to her grandma. She didn't know, until we were at the hospital, that it would probably be be last time she saw her. Nor did I before we went. I just suddenly instinctively knew and I told my daughter to say anything she needed to say. What a brave young girl. Aged just 12.

It took me ages to get to sleep last night and I'm awake early this morning. I don't know how long left we have with Mum, whether it's days or a few weeks even. I do know, however, that this is the beginning of the end.

I feel stupidly strong and needy all at the same time. I feel lonely, yet loved. I feel numb and choked, yet I can still make my Dad (step-dad) laugh a little. Although he is devastated.

I lost my brother in December. Now it's time to be brave again. I'm getting ready to say goodbye again. I know this is all part of life. You may have been through this already with a parent. Or another loved one. I know that many Moodscopers have.

I'm so sorry that this is a sad blog and I certainly don't want to rake up painful memories for anyone. I'm just asking for your support. A hug would be lovely. Thank you.

Jane SG
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Molly Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 12:42am

Oh my, Jane, not many things make me cry, but your blog did. Beautifully written, heart wrenching and there is nothing more I feel I can say so just want to send you the hug you requested. In fact make that a few hugs. Much Love and kind thoughts to you. Molly xxxx

The Gardener Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 1:26pm

Molly, left a reply to one of the later ones on yesterday's blog.

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:44pm

Thank you Molly xxx

Ach UK Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 1:14am

Lost my mum earlier this year. Many hugs to you. XX

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:44pm

I'm so sorry to hear this Ach UK. Sending hugs right back to you xx

Ach UK Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:00pm

Thank you Jane, you take care now, - make sure you have plenty of time space because it's going to be a bit hard but I'm glad you've got family around you.

Gill Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 6:13am

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:45pm

Thank you for this Gill xx

Lou Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 6:33am

Jane, what a moving blog. This must be such a difficult time for you all; I am sending you so many hugs x

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:45pm

Thank you Lou xx

Sally Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 6:39am

Jane, so very sorry to hear you are facing this, it is such a sad time, very big hugs and stay in the moment. I know that sounds a weird thing to say, but in the midst of death, there is often such love, and those memories will be of some comfort in times to come.
. I have a friend who is dying,very sudden onset, she only knew it was terminal a couple of weeks ago, and is not given long: approaching death strips away all artifice, and really profound things are often said. You were so right in what you told your brave daughter. And youngsters have the gift of saying it just right too. Bless them.
All my sympathy for what you are going through, so soon after losing your brother too. A time for deep reflection, and as you say, even in the midst of sadness, there is/ can be laughter and even the occasional joke.
Life's like that. Go well. Shall be thinking of you. Xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:46pm

Thank you so much Sally. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Sending you love and hugs xx

S Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 6:52am

Sending you hugs Jane. Your blog is beautiful and sums up the mixtures of emotion. How wonderful that you supported your daughter to say what she wanted to say. I will be thinking of you at this difficult time. Keep saying what you need to say, I agree with Sally, there is often such love at these times, not in the movie type of way but in the little moments. Hugs, S

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:46pm

Thank you S xx

Orangeblossom Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 6:54am

Hi JaneSG. Thinking of you at this painful time. Big Hug!

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:47pm

Thank you Orangeblossom xx

Hopeful One Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:10am

Hi Jane SG- deep heartfelt commiserations. Cyber hugs winging their way to you.

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:47pm

Thank you HO :) xx

Lexi Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:22am

Dear Jane SG- I am sending your hugs and love. Losing someone is the hardest thing any of us goes through. xo Lexi

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:48pm

Thank you Lexi xx

Dolphin Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:26am

A long hug for you Jane SG. This is such a heightened time when the basics - like human contact and comfort - are what matters. Focus on what is important to you, your Mum and the family - and strength xxx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:48pm

Thank you Dolphin. Xx

Isabella Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:01am

Happy memories, a good life lived well with love. Big hug. Xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:49pm

Thank you Isabella. Mum did say to me recently that she had no regrets which does give me a lot of comfort xx

Cassie Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:10am

Sending you a huge hug Jane. I feel a huge amount of compassion for what you're going through.

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:49pm

Thank you Cassie xx

Daisy Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:31am

Love& hugs.

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:50pm

Thank you Daisy xx

Bearofliddlebrain Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:41am

Dear Jane SG... biggest Bear hugs to you, your step-father, your dear daughter.
This is timely as we have come 'home' to lay flowers at parents' graves. An anniversary for dear mum in law.
It is a strange time - you will find joy in wonderful memories and deep sadness and grief at her passing. You have written so beautifully - I hope you keep this special blog and one day show it to your daughter and she will see what a loving, caring mum she has and such kind compassionate peeps there are here on Moodscope.
With more Bear hugs xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:51pm

Thank you dear Bearofliddlebrain. Sending you hugs back for your sad anniversary xxx

Vivienne Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:56am

Dear Jane. I'm wishing you strength at this horrid time for. I agree with other comments; remember the good times and keep saying the words of love. Sending you loads of huge hugs xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:51pm

Thank you Vivienne xx

Carol Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 9:00am

Sending you a hug and huge sympathy, Jane. I know all too well that mixture of feeling at once so strong and so grief-stricken. Also the experience of having a daughter who was able at the time to express her love for her grandmother, which has continued to cheer and support me over the years when I still feel grief-stricken from time to time. I think you will have that same sense of comfort.

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:52pm

Thank you for sharing this Carole. I think you are right. Thank you xx

Dragonfly Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 9:30am

Dear Jane, sending hugs and wishing you strength at this sad time xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:53pm

Thank you Dragonfly xx

David Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 9:34am

Sorry for your loss, grieve and then life goes on hopefully. Myself nearly died on Bank holiday Monday at Midnight, waiting in a field, in pitch black, for a Helicopter. I fell over a Ha Ha and broke my ankle, spending over 30 minutes looking at the stars, waiting for the medical teams to arrive. The ankle had to be operated on in the R.U.H. hospital, Bath, with pins inserted. Now recovering with many friends. Thank you to you all, you know who you are. Sorry for interfering with your blog Jane SG but it is the quickest way of thanking people on here.

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:54pm

Thank you David but are you ok? What a thing to happen. I do hope you are ok. Glad you are recovering with friends xx

David Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 10:21pm

Yes with friends on here and around the World on the w.w.w. you have to carry on regardless. I have lost many friends and relations in domestic life and in war zones, they all hurt me like you are now. Good Luck in your bereavement.

Adrian Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 10:01am

Dear Jane, lots of hugs. A X

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:54pm

Thank you Adrian xx

Leah Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 10:08am

Jane you are a very kind person , This is a sad time for you. Sending you comforting hugs. Xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:54pm

Thank you Leah. You are a very kind person also and a great support xx

Holly Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 10:35am

Keeping you all in my thoughts and sending hugs x

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:55pm

Thank you Holly xx

Geoff Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 11:31am

Dear Jane, I hopethat you have lotsof happy memories of your loved one, that will help ease the pain you are feeling at this time. Much love. xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:55pm

Thank you Geoff. Yes lots of happy memories. Xx

Romy Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 11:33am

Dear Jane . My heart goes out to you and your family at such a distressing time . I went through this with my father and daughter when she was young like yours . Please try and look after yourself as best you can while you are there for your mum and the rest of your family too . It's ok to cry too ...... it helped me to carry on when I was in the same situation as you are now . Sending you a big hug and loads of love and understanding . Romy xxxxxxx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:56pm

Thank you Romy. I'm so sorry you went through this with your father. Sending u hugs xx

the room above the garage Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 1:13pm

Hello Jane SG, heart wrenching times you are going through. You must feel as though you are surfing. I lost both my grannies recently and my brother said at one of the funerals that it was hard losing a granny as an adult as we'd had them for what seemed like forever. Loss is gut wrenching no matter what age we are. One thing that has brought me huge comfort in the times since has been knowing that we helped them have good deaths. With one of my grannies (she had had a huge stroke and was not really conscious) we put photographs beside her bed, one of her wedding day, one of her recently with her great-grandchildren. We played her music (she had been put in a side room on her own), we dabbed on her own perfume, brushed her hair and a nurse said it would be ok to have her own nightclothes on if we didn't mind that they would cut up the back to allow for dressing her easily. It all helped us feel we had done everything possible to send her off well. I would sit holding her hand and singing to her, sometimes late into the night. Eleven days until she was ready. But having that time was very special and helped us adjust. It brings me comfort now that I can remember the lovely parts of her death. I hope you might have some lovely parts to cling to. And I wish your lovely mum godspeed. Will be holding all of you close in my thoughts. Love ratg xxx.

Bearofliddlebrain Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:28pm

Dear, dear RATG....I can really agree with what you did for your granny. I sat and sang hymns to my Mum, in a side room where she had been moved, to die in peace and quiet. On one of her last few days, I pushed the door to, so we had a bit of privacy and she asked me to read from her prayer book and then we quietly sang. My dear mum's face looked beatific and her lips moved gently to the words she knew so well. I arranged for her vicar to visit twice...the second time I asked him if he could give her communion, which he did. All these small things gave her peace; gave her comfort and quality in the time she had left. In turn, it has helped me to remember that whilst she was alive, I did all I could to let her know how much I loved her...and I cried today at her and Dad's grave. Sending you big hugs too Ratg, with love Bear xx

Jane SG Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 8:08am

Dear ragt, on seeing Bears comment this morning I noticed that my comment to you wasn't here. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't want you to think I had missed you. I'm not sure why it hadn't registered. I had said that I was grateful for you sharing this and that only yesterday I was putting more special pictures together to take to Mum. Thank you so much for your support. I'm glad you were able to find comfort in times that were so difficult xxx

the room above the garage Mon, Sep 4th 2017 @ 11:37am

:-) I wouldn't expect personal replies at such a tricky time but it's lovely you did xx. Keeping you all in my thoughts x.

The Gardener Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 1:41pm

Kind thoughts, hugs, and fellow feelings to you, SG. Our family, as you know, is well spread - it is inevitable that getting to a dying person can be impossible. Our 2nd son was very upset that he could not get to my mother's funeral. A grand-daughter was in the Andaman islands when her other Granny died, no hope of getting there. My father suffered a stroke and rallied very quickly - I went off to see him (in Wales, where, inevitably, as soon as he was not dying he was rude to everybody). I then went to France for the week-end, getting home towards midnight. The hospital had phoned to say my father had suffered a further stroke and was not expected to live long. Mr G did not tell me. Early next morning I had a phone call to say that Daddy was dead. I was sad, and furious. Mr G said he acted for the best, not wanting me to go to Wales. Someone would have taken me (Mr G could have driven in fact). I gave strict instructions to our family that if I was in practical distance if my mother was taken ill (we were often in India or the Far East) they were to ignore anything from Mr G, and make sure I knew. I was with Mummy for her last 5 nights, having persuaded the home to let me sleep on her divan, she had a hospital bed. I was there at her 'passing', I thought I'd be scared, but is was really a moment of 'release' she was nearly 100 and the last few years had not been good. I hope that circumstances will allow you to say good-bye in peace and love. xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:57pm

Dear TG, wow. What a terribly sad story about your Daddy. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you had your time with your Mum at the end. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your kind words and support xx

gloria Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 1:46pm

Dear jane i send you a big hug,that 's What you are needing right now

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 7:58pm

Thank you Gloria xx

hilary Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 1:49pm

Dear Jane, thinking of you. A favourite piece of music of mine which calms me:
Hugs, Hilary

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:00pm

Thank you Hilary. I forget how calming and healing music can be. I will listen to this at bedtime tonight. Thank you xx

dancing hippo Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 3:32pm

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:04pm

Thank you dancing hippo. I can't get the link to work on my iPhone so will try on the PC later :) xx

Lex Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 3:36pm

A gentle hug (no patting) and a squeeze of the hand x

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:04pm

Thank you Lex :) xx

Debra Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 4:24pm

Hi Jane SG, I am so sorry to read your post and I too am going through this now with my Dad he has days left to live and I know how difficult it is, so thanks for sharing and I am sending the biggest hug to you xxx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:11pm

Dear Debra, I'm so so sorry to hear this. Sending you lots of love and hugs. I hope that some of the other comments here today will help you also and bring you some comfort. Relive all your happy memories. Feel all the love, as Sally and S say above. You are in my thoughts xxx

Bearofliddlebrain Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:36pm

Dear Debra, I am really so very sad that your father is dying and you and your families are going through this sad and terrible time. Please keep telling him how much he means to you and if you are there at the end, keep talking to him (as I was told that the hearing is the last sense to be lost) so tell him if he is ready, to let go and that your love is surrounding him and he can be at peace. Biggest Bear hugs to you Debra xx

Valerie Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 4:24pm

What a lot of heartbreak you are coping with.Words are trite at such times,Love and hugs x

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:12pm

Thank you Valerie xx

Vivien Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 5:00pm

Hi Jane, Sending you lots of hugs at this time. Also all my 'teddy bears' as well - they send a collective cuddle. Take carexxxxx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:14pm

Thank you Vivien. You remembered my love of teddy bears!! I loved this, thank you. Mum has a teddy keeping her company. His name is Teddy! Xx

Laura RB Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 5:46pm

((((Big hug from across the pond, Jane SG)))) Thinking of you.

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:14pm

Thank you Laura RB from across the pond! Xx

Jul Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 6:22pm

Hello Jane SG. I am wondering if a brother dying (or sibling) is worse and more sad that your mother? I know for your daughter, having her grandmother pass away will be devastating. BTW sad blogs are lovely. They help us who are feeling sad anyway. Can't write much at the moment as I have visitors. Big hug. Jul xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:24pm

Thank you Jul for taking the time to comment when you had visitors. I've had to think about this one. I don't if losing one is worse than the other. It's different. One was a shock. My Mum is not a shock because of her illness. Very different but both difficult. Thank you for your support xx

Jane SG Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 8:50pm

Dear all, firstly please accept my apologies for the late replies. I'm at my Dads and I didn't know my blog was on today as I missed Caroline's email last night. I wrote this five weeks ago at which point the doctor gave Mum between 1-6 weeks. She has Dementia and Alzheimer's and has stopped eating and drinking. She was taken off the drip and the hospital has stopped treating her. She is still hanging on and we do seem to have been given a bit more time with her and she still has a sense of humour. However she is very frail and we are making the most of these last precious weeks. I am so very touched by all these responses and the love I have felt from you all today. I have been having a bit of a break from Moodscope due to everything going on and feeling slightly upset by something on the site recently. However your responses have restored my faith in human nature. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Sending you all love, especially those of you who have recently lost, or are losing, those dear to you. Big hugs to you all xxx

David Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 10:28pm

Sorry to say but I find this blog disturbing as a form of obituary column when it is out of a timeline and your poor mother is still dying, hope she dies in peace soon and arrives at a better place. R.I.P.

Molly Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 2:07am

How is it disturbing? My mum in law had alzheimers and we were told she was to die - weeks before she did, those weeks were more painful than when she went to the better place. Jane is clearly grateful for all the comments of support so why oh why do you have to be so disrespectful.

Jane SG Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 8:27am

I didn't know the blog was going to be published yesterday. I received notification too late on Fri eve when I was offline. I may have decided not to let it be posted at this stage if I had known but, on reading all the supportive comments, I'm now grateful that it was posted. At the time of writing we were told that we may have just a week left. I'm grateful that we have had longer as long as Mum is comfortable, which at the moment she is. It has been a very lonely time and extremely challenging. I cry at random and most days I really don't want to get out of bed. So actually Molly and LP are right. To receive all these wonderful messages of love and support now has been a great help to me. I'm now going to get out of bed and get ready to take my Dad to see her. Thank you all of you once again. I hope you all have a good day today. Debra, if you read this please know that you are very much in my thoughts xxx

LP Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 11:35pm

Hi Jane. It's good to have the support from this community as you go, rather than afterwards. A warm hug from me. LP xx

Jane SG Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 8:10am

Thank you LP. It has helped to bring me strength as it can feel quite lonely at times. Xxx

Yitzchak Sat, Sep 2nd 2017 @ 11:59pm

Big hugs to you Jane. Your poignant blog brings back my vivid memories of our last days with my beloved Dad a year and a half ago. Saying the last goodbye is never easy. It hurts, badly.

But being able to visit, and to say those last words, is a special gift, that most people are denied. I believe it brings peace and ease to the person who is passing, and is healthy and healing for those who are left.

I am a person of profound and active religious faith. But even without that, I see that just from a psychological and emotional health perspective, being courageous enough to embrace that precious chance for a final goodbye, tough as it is at the time, is one of the best things we can do, for the person who is passing, for ourselves, and therefore also for those who in turn care about us.

May you be granted the strength to come through this challenging period and to emerge stronger, whole and at peace with yourself. Big hugs.


Jane SG Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 8:13am

Dear Yitzchak, thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry you went through this with your Dad. You are right, having the chance to say goodbye properly and even create some final special memories is a blessing. I didn't get that opportunity with my brother. Xx

Leah Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 8:30am

Yitzchak, Welcome to Moodscope. What a lovely comment to Jane. I never got to say goodbye to my dad ten years ago but he knew I loved him so that has help me.

Mary Wednesday Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 7:55am

Coming in late, and with no words, but I know you will be able to say all the words you need to to your mother. A hugs and a prayer for serenity and comfort.

Jane SG Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 8:13am

Thank you so much Mary xx

Elizabeth Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 2:10pm

Sending a huge hug your way. I have found loss hard especially after the death of my mum. That was neatly 10 years ago. I still feel her loss on a daily basis but thankfully I now also feel as sense of acceptance.
When people said " time is a great healer" I wanted to cry and say how do you know, you are not me.
I have not found time a great healer but time has given me acceptance and within that acceptance comes peace and calm. The madness of grief is settling down if only a little.
I wish you and your family the same. Acceptance does not happen over night, it is a life time task, but possible x

Jane SG Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 11:07pm

Dear Elizabeth, thank you so much for the hug and kind words. I'm so sorry that your lost your Mum and that you found it so difficult for so long. I'm glad that you have found some peace and calm. Sending you a hug right back xx

Jeanne Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 4:39pm

Dear Jane, sending you love and hugs .

Jane SG Sun, Sep 3rd 2017 @ 11:07pm

Thank you so much Jeanne xx

Eva Mon, Sep 4th 2017 @ 8:46am

Jane SG, very late, but I wanted to send you strength and comfort, crying when you can is necessary, and also remembering the good times. I found this time with my dad to be one of the most profound of my life, I agree with one of the statements above about being as present as you can be at this time. For me the grief was a weight, and now it's easier to carry, it'll always be with me, but I wouldn't let it go for the world.

Jane SG Mon, Sep 4th 2017 @ 8:34pm

Thank you so much Eva for your support and thank you for sharing about your Dad. Sending you a hug xx

The librarian Mon, Sep 4th 2017 @ 11:23am

Dear Jane,

A late reply, but if I saw you, I'd be giving you a hug (though it would be carefully as I don't want to give you my sore throat).

It was courageous of your daughter and I'm sure it will be a memory she will treasure. I was the last family member to see my grandfather - we'd gone to visit him, I had a really special conversation and he gave me a cuddle in a way he never had before - I was last to leave the room and when we got home, my uncle called to say he had died. I was twelve and it is a memory I have always treasured.

Wishing you and your daughter well for the weeks, months and years ahead.

Jane SG Mon, Sep 4th 2017 @ 8:35pm

Dear Librarian, this gave me goosebumps. What a very moving story. I'm so glad you have that treasured memory. Thank you for sharing and thank you for the hug, I hope your sore throat gets better soon! Xx

Nicco Mon, Sep 4th 2017 @ 11:40pm

Jane - Sorry you're having to go through a tough time with your mum's poor health. I lost my brother, then my mother a year later - That was 5yrs ago. It was hard having to be strong for everyone (mainly my father & my daughter) & it all seemed to coincide with the menopause (as well as having M.E., Fibromyalgia & several other health probs myself) which was not easy either. My father's still living fiercely independently aged & therefore I have no idea what the future holds from day-to-day. So, as you see, I can empathise a little with you & am sending that gentle understanding hug your way. x Nicco x

Jane SG Tue, Sep 5th 2017 @ 7:23am

Dear Nicco, thank you for the hug and for sharing this. I'm so sorry you went through this. How old is your Dad? The number didn't show on your comment. I'm also sending you hugs as I know you are feeling down at the moment xxx

Sal Tue, Sep 5th 2017 @ 12:36am

Dear Jane, your blog brought a lump to my throat. Sending love and hugs. You sound a wonderful mum, daughter and stepdaughter. Your family is lucky to have you, as well as your courageous daughter. xx Sal

Jane SG Tue, Sep 5th 2017 @ 7:25am

Oh this is lovely, thank you Sal. You brought a lump to my throat also! Thank you for the love and hugs xxx

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