I was trundling along, slowly, quietly making progress and keeping myself straight when I hit a bump. It's where I find myself today. Everyone in the house caught a bug and it has slowly crept around each of us in turn...this is week four of playing patient and/or nurse. Then my ceiling fell apart in two places due to a leak. Currently my house is being carved up in different ways, in different places, to make a fix. Why is it that a fix can only occur with some mild devastation?
I have been keeping on keeping on, acting like all is well and wearing the 'I'm coping' badge. Then yesterday I burst. Anger, shouting, tears, the full monty. Today I'm a burst mattress, all sags, wonky springs and stuffing hanging out. (Are you making the 'boing' sound in your head? Bet you are now!)
I have mumped through the day. Then late into this afternoon I realised what my mistake has been. Once again, I've beat myself up for finding it hard. Of course it's hard! One hundred per cent of this family unit has been pulled down with illness, normal busy life has had to go on around it, I have depression and that makes you feel like an ant burning under a magnifying glass in the sun, my lovely home is damaged in many places and my need for routine has been sorely challenged. Of course it's hard!
Now that I have seen it written down in black and white I feel better. And now I get it. Resilience isn't about being Clark Kent strong, it's about recognising that it's hard.
The room above the garage.
A Moodscope member.
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