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Recovery... Thursday January 15, 2015

How do I get back,
How do I breathe again.
How do I become self-repectful,
How do I feel sane?

From the darkness of day,
From my ever running mind.
From those self harm thoughts,
From a heart that is blind.

Blind to the kindness,
Blind to the care,
Blind to my own soul,
How can I dare?

To wake in the moment,
And feel I can live.
Not lie with ruminations,
Thoughts run through a sieve.

Not feel I can rise,
For fear of the day.
Or open my eyes,
And see the sun's rays.
Or battle to stand under,
The cleansing shower's streams.
But feel an awakening,
And feel what it means...
To enter the day happily,
To want to move out.
Into the rich world,
With a loud joyous shout.

How do I get past,
Those self harm thoughts?
How do I find balance,
And get past those 'oughts'?

I am caught in my head,
I am imprisoned inside,
Everything hurts me,
I have no real pride.

I got a glimpse yesterday,
Of how life could be.
Then I get frustrated,
Frustrated at me.

I fell back down,
And felt helpless again.
Now I can't see,
Through the wind and the rain.

Yet I know the sun is out there,
I know others can see,
The light that I'm seeking,
The light that is me.

I must keep moving,
I must find that step.
That gets me through one day,
To step into the next.

Each of us has,
Our own way in life.
For some it may be easy,
For others it's strife.

Frankie looks to the sky,
For that blue breaking through.
Where do you look,
For that breakthrough for you?

Step now out there,
A little further today.
Step, PUSH on through,
Find your own way.

A Moodscope member.

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The Entertrainer Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 5:34am

Can't think of a higher compliment, Frankie, than to have someone like Les write a poem and personalise it with you (and others) in mind. That's lovely, Les

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 6:16am

Sometimes not trying helps.
Sometimes uncharted time passed sitting in the corner of the kitchen floor just to see the clock turn.
Sometimes sleeping.
Rarely communicating.
Functioning. Surviving.
Just be. And don't try to be.
Sometimes one chink starts recovery.
Self harm comes in many guises, mine came in a glass. I had to work out why I hated myself. And then find a way to feel worthy. Nobody's words could.
All that gets me through is trusting that I've done it before.
Don't hide from us, let us try to be your chink.
Much love from the room above the garage x.

Kirsten Coeur Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 6:39am

Beautiful poem, Les. Thank you.

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 7:34am

Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem which certainly struck a chord with me; I SH and it's a constant battle not to but thankfully been clean for coming up for 3 weeks now.

Rupert Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 8:37am

Great poem Les certain words really resonated with me and I guess my self harm takes a different form altogether but is representative of low esteem. Thanks again.

Julia Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 8:40am

Dear Les. You have helped so many of us in the past and your words of wisdom stay with us. If one of us had written this poem, what advice would you give the author? Think about this and give that advice to yourself. Some people are excellent at giving others advice but seem unable for whatever reason to take heed of advice which others give. This might be because we each think we know ourselves the best and no-one else REALLY understands us so any advice from outside might help a little but won't really get to us deep down. I suspect you might be a little or a lot like this as we all are! So my advice is not really MY advice but your own read by your eyes and acted upon. If we can benefit from your advice so can you!

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 8:53am

I would second Julia's comments as you, Les, always seem to advise well. Take some of your own healing potion! Time is a great healer, as is acceptance. I have to accept...tho it is very frustrating...that there are times when I function at a fraction of my usual rate. Precisely then, however, I lose patience with a way I wouldn't if it were a friend suffering. Be kind to yourself, Les. We would be, with you

Julia Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:16am

Hello Rupert. I often want to reply to your posts. I harm myself by continuing to make such an effort on a daily basis to be someone different or rather not to be the person I feel I am, i.e low, negative, un self confident, dull, not amusing. I have got myself into harmful situations trying to overcome the image I feel I present to the world. Some days of course I feel on top of the world and then everyone smiles with me but this doesn't last. When I was able to give up work after a long long battle, I did feel better and more in control but the same old me surfaced eventually. However nothing for me has ever been worse than being in a job surrounded by people who didn't understand where I was coming from and completely made my life miserable. It suited them to do so and I was so sleep deprived and weak I allowed them to do it. But I escaped eventually. I know your work isn't ideal for you. I do wish you well Rupert.

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:22am

Well done, what an achievement x

Liz Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:22am

Who's Frankie?

Liz Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:24am

so loving and caring!

Liz Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:25am

Well Done!

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:25am

Spot on, Julia. I'm often told I look after others well, why don't I take that much care of myself? Karen x

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:26am

Wonderful words, Les. Thank you...look after you. Karen x

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:31am

Oh dear, I can relate to you too Julia. I am currently in a terrible state. I am terrified about my work situation, and am suffering so much from all the pressures. Due to confidentiality I am unable to share much information. Maybe Rupert, yourself and I could email each other privately, and get more support that way, that's if you want to??

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:31am

Ah, RATG, wise words from you too, as usual! I have a few self harm issues, one being in a glass. It's very hard to stop oneself and think what it's doing to me instead of what I think it's doing FOR me, at the time.
If we all keep using Moodscope we'll be that chink for each other...and not chink, chink of glass and bottle!! Karen x
Karen x

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:32am

Another lovely Moodscope member who writes :)
K x

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:35am

sometimes the word advice just terrifies me. I think maybe Les just needs time, and eventually his feelings of depression will fade. It's like as if he was in a storm which will eventually pass. Nothing lasts forever. Nature is always changing. Reminds me of a rainbow, something pretty after dull, wet, cold rain.

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:36am

yes , so agree with this.

Liz Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 10:48am

As I was reading the poem, I knew instinctively it was written by Les. It is so sad, and honest. Hauntingly desperate, speaks of utter desperation with this life. Why is it that we humans have a propensity for suffering so much in this way? WHY? And to make matters worse, it's so painful for the sufferer, and so futile. For the person going through it, it would seem like hell. And then we die. People like Les are so comforting for other people but what about their own suffering? It doesn't seem fair. I have got a bunch of daffodils in front of me. The yellow petals standing still and calm.
I don't know how to write what I am thinking but musing over a daffodil's life is sort of calming me down. This is like visualisation isn't it??
Some of the flowers are still in their buds so are behind the ones who have flowered, yet they are all in the same bunch , and in the same vase being given equal amounts of water. Reassuring me that some of us are behind everyone else and need more time to do whatever we need to do. If only I could be a flower, and not have all this stuff in my life that weighs my heart and soul down so much.

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 11:00am

Thank-you Lex; you have made it a double compliment! Frankie (still loving - struggling to laugh and to learn at the moment ...)
And thank-you K (Karen?) for trebling it! F

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 11:03am

Dear RATG: very wise words and beautifully put - thank-you

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 11:05am

Yes, really well done! One day at a time ...
You will find lots of support here from this wonderful on-line community

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 11:17am

Well said, Julia - thank-you. So true ...
Be careful Karen; I never used to look after myself properly and ended up 3 1/2 years ago with a chronic medical condition which saps all energy ... I have learnt the hard way that looking after myself is essential and only when I do that, can I help others properly
And I agree with Anon 10.35; if we can all hang onto the truth that "Nothing lasts forever" we do win through ...
Frankie xx

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 11:18am

me too! Frankie

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 11:31am

Dear Liz; hello I'm Frankie
Yes, looking at your daffodils is helping you visualise; can you see them if you close your eyes? This simple act of visualising is very calming.

I do the same with a candle: I look at it, then close my eyes and visualise it; then repeat several times. No forcing; no reprimanding myself if I can't visualise the candle with eyes shut; simply the action of looking, then visualising ...
Can you write about your "stuff"? For your eyes only ... I found it hugely helpful to write my thoughts down; because then if I found myself thinking the same things I would tell myself I could let go of these thoughts because I had them written down ... I am doing this at the moment actually ... it helps me at night to stop going over and over the same ground.
Wishing you peace of mind and heart

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 11:54am

Thank-you Les; beautifully written as ever;
Wishing you peace of mind and heart, always

Liz Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 11:57am

Hello Frankie, I am particularly troubled by something specific right now, but if it's written down, it won't go away will it? But I do appreciate your support, it means a lot. I will try it and give it a go. Thank you.

Sarah Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 12:04pm

Thank you Les. I hope you know how much the Moodscope members appreciate your contributions

Barb Mattis Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 12:10pm

Les~wanted to let you know your posts are always awesome!

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 1:01pm

HI Liz; no, you are right, it doesn't go away; but what does change (in my experience) is the need to keep thinking about it. I would tell myself "You've said / written this already; you can let go of this" OR "this is new" in which case I would go and write that bit down - so that I could then let go of it.

One of Hubby's (most annoying!) phrases to me is "I can't worry about that now" which means he is giving himself permission to switch off that particular worry at that time ...

By giving yourself permission to "switch off" from your worry you allow your intuition to work behind the scenes; you may then find that solutions begin to appear; in the meantime you are giving yourself a break which helps to recharge your batteries ...
Good luck!

Julia Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 2:26pm

Hello Anonymous. Caroline will let you have my email address...Email her at
I am happy to share and help if I can. I no longer work in that particular job but my experiences when I did are as clear to me as ever. I will never forget the turmoil and what it did to me.

Anonymous Thu, Jan 15th 2015 @ 4:20pm

My pleasure dear friend, Karen :)

Anonymous Fri, Jan 16th 2015 @ 12:21am

What a moving poem. I've not written before on moodscope. I've had severe treatment resistant depression for 5 years and the sense of nothingness resonates. I've started to make some minor improvements over the last couple of months and so the idea of recovery is something I can cautiously entertain. As the poem suggests improvement is erratic with maybe a few moments of improvement and then a fall again . but this is still progress. When I can I open my moodscope mail and really appreciate the words of wisdom written and contributions so 'thanks members' for helping me to keep going - and thanks Les

Les Fri, Jan 16th 2015 @ 12:47am

Thanks for the comments,
Thanks for the sharing.
Thanks to you all,
The sharing is daring.

Daring to reveal,
A small piece of you.
Helps 'us' step forward,
Into a new world view. do I do it for myself.........????

Ya wee clever lassie Julia........:-)

Anonymous Fri, Jan 16th 2015 @ 12:41pm

Hi Les, I always read the blogs but have never commented before. I just wanted to say thanks for the poem. I was getting caught up in the usual ruminations; thinking I'm the only one who thinks negatively about myself, and feeling guilty about it, but your poem came at exactly the right moment to remind me that there are people out there who are struggling with exactly the same things. I think the word is 'serendipitous' (?!) Thanks again. Helen

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