Re-drawing my boundaries

23 Nov 2019
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I have re-drawn my boundaries.

Last year two people I thought were my friends, whom I had held an open door for, just bailed out of my life. The shock was long-lasting, the pain deep.

With help I cleared my home ready to move, buyer found I didn't have the mental capacity to follow through. I stayed, made changes and committed myself to the place where I live.

Time moved on. Both people have asked to come back into my life, one with tears for himself, one with questions of what went wrong between us. My heart, normally loving and forgiving, is wary. So I am sticking to my boundary, my rules, for me, for my stability, for my sanity. I will share a drink or catch up but I won't be drawn back into the listening for hours whilst they work through their problems at my table.

My point is that I can find nothing that I did that caused all this other than I held too soft a boundary in the first place. Too keen to be kind to everyone but myself. It's hard to toughen up.

Now I am more realistic, I hold back more to consider how my decision may affect me. Will I be happier, more settled? Who knows, but I will be clearer, more sure of my position and hopefully stronger and saner in my dealings with the world.

As I say to all my friends on their journeys, Go well! And its ok to have a boundary, just be aware that I have one too.

Lynne

A Moodscope member.

A Moodscope member.

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Comments

Sally

Nov. 23, 2019, 6:34 a.m.

Lynne, I like your first sentence , for a start “ I have redrawn my boundaries “ Boundaries are something I was unaware of, the importance of, and the fact that that’s what they were called in psychology, for a long time. My doctor first used Boundaries as a prescription for me , as in , “ You must have boundaries and sanctuary “. That was less than ten years ago ( of my 67 years span) Was I naive ? Did people even realise they were crossing my boundaries a? My definition of boundaries was somewhat woolly... I thought about it long and hard. Some people did indeed cross boundaries and I had allowed them to do so unchecked. It was time to safeguard myself, and redraw my boundaries. I began watching, learning and challenging behaviour from others which “ crossed my boundaries “ . Sometimes the very people who DID take liberties ( which I’d allowed!) were shocked, put out , bewildered at this new me, and there were words. But on the whole, it was job done and desired effect achieved. One or two people who couldn’t accept it walked....and that was fine...On the whole, it’s been a salutary lesson and benefit for me. Would that I’d discovered/ recognised ‘‘the boundaries thing “ earlier ! But then, I suppose , it’s all tied in to self esteem, isn’t it, and where that is on the floor, it is easy to be trampled on... Lynne - to have TWO people bail out of your life, as you put it , last year, ( I like it!) is hard. ONE would’ve been painful enough! I think you’ve put in place a course of action which sounds eminently sensible, and yes, you are not, as you recognised , (well done! ) merely a sounding board for them to resolve their problems at your table. I suspect the male might’ve been a boyfriend/ partner? Forgive me if I’m wrong. I know this one: daughter has been there, and doing very same thing as you, Lynne... Good luck, and keep on keeping those boundaries clear . Xx Sally

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Dido

Nov. 23, 2019, 11:43 a.m.

Hi Sally, Thanks for your thoughts, it helps me learn. I really listen to how people give boundaries out these days too. The guy was a good friend who has childhood abandonment issues. Consequently he abandons when overwhelmed, it's just taken me 15years to see !!! Thank you for your feed back, I'm on the case! best wishes Lynne

Liz

Nov. 23, 2019, 8:52 a.m.

Hi Lynne. Wonderful blog. I look back at some of the "friends" I had, one that I lived with (I didn't want to when she asked me but was heavily persuaded)... such a selfish person. But the karma has been dealt with because she is never ever happy still to this day. Looking back I had some terrible friends in my 20s and I allowed them to get away with bad behaviour towards myself. It makes me angry for myself when I think of it but they just took advantage big time. It's so difficult to get rid of toxic people until you actually start recognising patterns and even then you can be taken in by someone's charm. And I think the sounding board aspect is so true... I am sure in the past I have drained others and perhaps even stopped friendships from happening because of my own behaviour. It's that self-check thing either for one's own behaviour or that of others. I'm always terribly suspicious of people that want or expect you to be their new best friend. I love friends that have their other friends and are independent too so that you know that you are (depending on the friendship) an important part of their life but you don't have that ownership thing going on. Another rule I apply to myself is don't have a friend that you feel sorry for - I've had a few of these and they always ending up biting the hand that feeds them so to speak. Sometimes I found myself reading up about toxic people (those lists that they have that identify certain behaviours) and I thought to myself that some of them had been "friends". I'm sorry to hear about your two friends that bailed out but I love the fact that you are resolute and strong and protecting yourself. It will help others in a similar situation to see that there is a way out and maybe through pain, there is still some peace at the end... peace that comes from knowing that one's decision or one's firmness of character and respect for oneself is paramount. We all need boundaries... even in the closest of relationships. x

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Dido

Nov. 23, 2019, 11:50 a.m.

Thanks Liz, It's good to see both sides, our own and other's behaviour. I am sure I have 'dumped " on others in the past and wish I had known better boundary. I find it difficult not to tell anyone everything but I am definitely more contained these days, and I make deliberate effort to keep quiet. Best wishes Lynne

Sal

Nov. 23, 2019, 9:44 a.m.

Great blog Lynne, thank you for sharing it. I felt some fellow-feeling about it - a counsellor once said to me 'I think you may have a boundary problem', and it was a revelation - and a shock. Before she said that I had been in 'it's all THEM' mode, as in, blaming the person who I thought was causing me pain. It had never occurred to me that I had the option of taking some control of the situation. I like your approach with your two former friends, of guarded friendliness, it sounds healthy to me. And I liked Liz's comment "don't have a friend that you feel sorry for"; that's a good one for me to keep in mind. You 'go well' too, and I hope you find that staying in your area and re-shaping your life brings generous rewards. Sal xx

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Dido

Nov. 23, 2019, 12:03 p.m.

Me too, I liked what Liz said and will bear it in mind. I am now looking for openings to make new friends and enjoying my old healthy ones. Best wishes Lynne

Molly

Nov. 23, 2019, 7:01 p.m.

Sal, once I apologised to someone that I felt I had upset and they said “you didn’t upset me, you just upset yourself”. That stuck in my mind. Also Lynne’s “don’t be friends with someone you feel sorry for” struck a chord with me xx

Valerie

Nov. 23, 2019, 9:51 a.m.

Brilliant Liz-well done you.I had to laugh at your friend who had tears for himself,they just don't get it,do they? Your new mindset sounds sensible and a reasonable compromise. Someone I know suffered dreadfully when her husband ran off with her lifelong best friend,leaving her with 2 kids,one autistic.The "friend" phoned her a year later,the love affair was ending.Weeping,she said the worst bit was that she no longer felt able to pick up the phone for help and advice,like in the past! Talk about narcissistic.

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Dido

Nov. 23, 2019, noon

Indeed Val, I am certainly feeling a lot better these days. Narcissists certainly are a challenge, for me and for themselves. It's the latter I try to remember, it's a condition they have to live with too. My tack at the moment with those in my life at the moment is to expect nothing from them and just to be very guarded about how I behave around them when their behaviour has hurt or upset me. I don't help them to feel better, but try to sit with my own feeling. Best wishes Lynne

Valerie

Nov. 23, 2019, 5:13 p.m.

Sorry,I called you Liz instead of :Lynne x

Jul

Nov. 23, 2019, 11:14 a.m.

Really great blog Lynne. In the past I haven't drawn boundaries, I didn't even know they existed except for field, land etc. I left myself open, no fences to protect me. I now know that boundaries can be applied for self protection and keeping people out. Recently coincidentally I've been anxious that someone who lives nearby might invade my privacy by knocking on my door wanting a coffee and chat and I've been quite conflicted about this. Am I too routine oriented, should I welcome her with open arms, am I being too controlling trying to set the boundaries before I even need to? She hasn't come knocking but have I already given her vibes which say don't? I'll re read your blog later Lynne and comment on you. Apologies my response has been about me me me!. Jul xx PS I haven't forgotten about ratg's Xmas blog

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Dido

Nov. 23, 2019, 11:37 a.m.

It's fine to be about you. I find the blogs set off useful trains of thoughts that really help me learn. I too have someone who has come knocking. I have been up front about saying what I can offer... hello, would you like a cuppa then I 'll have to go and have a lie down... sort of thing. We have got an understanding , I think, so good luck of course its all about you! and I'm all about me! I just have to learn its ok to be about me! Best wishes Lynne

LP

Nov. 23, 2019, 8:23 p.m.

Hi Jul, Just waving hello! Yes I understand your apprehension. I have a long term friend who insists on turning up every so often around Christmas uninvited. If I visit her, we make an arrangement, but she argues that she likes doing it that way! The first time she did it I was surprised and happy to see her, so she keeps trying to re rested the experience :))) Once I was feeling depressed and was in bed, she pushed past my daughter who was trying to say I was asleep and came up and sat on my bed! The last time she knocked I literally hid until she’d gone, but she did a shark move on me circled round and came back and caught me peeping to see who it was!!! How unassertive am I??? I was very cool with her and repeated a few times that Id prefer her to call first. I didn’t get in touch or visit in the summer. She called the other day to say that she wouldn’t be around this Christmas but will see me in the new year. I said Just give me call... That’s as boundaries as I’ve managed to be. Bless her for valuing me as a friend to keep trying I guess! But if she does it again I’ll just have to say I’m on my way out and not let her in, just to make the point. She comes from the other side of London and does it to my sister and brothers family at the same time hoping that one of us will let her in! I’ll have to be blunt with her if she does it in the new year! Quite funny really :)

LP

Nov. 23, 2019, 8:26 p.m.

Having said all of that, she’s an extreme case. Neighbours don’t tend to just turn up and knock on your door for no reason. We tend to wave across the road, or chat for a bit if it’s warm enough outside. Do you live in France? It may be different where you are. I’d say follow your gut. ***

Jul

Nov. 24, 2019, 9:14 a.m.

Hi LP. Waving too! I live in the SE of England but we have a house in France. We are in the UK mainly. In France it seems to be different in the small village where we have our house. Neighbours call round!! Eek!So I sometimes, often groan each morning asking who will come round today and when. Then when days slip by and no French neighbour has appeared, I get anxious and think I must have done something wrong. Imagine my relief when they do appear! Madness! I am told that our village is unusual in that everyone gets on, whereas in most French small hamlets , the neighbours don't speak. I laughed when you said you hid but honestly your friend is something else. Fancy barging past your daughter and coming up to your bedroom. I hope she sticks to her word and won't appear at Christmas! Glad you understand my plight. Love Jul xx

Jul

Nov. 24, 2019, 9:19 a.m.

Hi Lynne. Thank you for saying it was OK to write about me. But I did re read your blog and I can tell you've been through a journey of having no boundaries to having just enough to protect yourself from giving too much. You are now protecting your own mental well being and safety. It's difficult to get the right balance. Jul xx

The Gardener

Nov. 23, 2019, 11:16 a.m.

Thanks Lynne, made me think. Been psyching myself up to phone my son - why should I not? Why should I be afraid of my son? But I have to think of HIS boundaries, and they are set. Confirmed at the two weddings this summer - that boundary is 'Keep Out, you are not wanted'. I KNOW the past has been good, I KNOW that, as in all families relationships bust up, but pushing it is no answer, just make yourself more miserable. His favourite saying 'Onwards and Upwards', but where to?

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Dido

Nov. 23, 2019, 12:06 p.m.

Hi I have similar things with my daughters in law. I have just stepped back and given them as much space as they need. I hope your son resolves his problem and gets back to see you for you soon Best wishes Lynne

Tutti Frutti

Nov. 23, 2019, 12:12 p.m.

Hi Gardener I think it is good that you are recognising his boundaries but natural that you feel the desire to try and get in touch. I am not sure what the right course of action for you is here but if you did decide to make contact you might want to consider whether an email, text or letter would be better than a call as it leaves him more choice about whether or not he wants to engage. Love TF x

The Gardener

Nov. 23, 2019, 12:25 p.m.

Thanks TF, have tried e-mails, not pleading, just asking for information. Total silence. I thought carefully last night, and decided phoning would be a great mistake, for both of us. All I can hope that common humanity might prevail, somehow. xx

Molly

Nov. 24, 2019, 1:09 a.m.

Gardener, I think the difficulty with your situation is the lack of response or the rejection when you attempt to contact your son. It can be more hurtful than if you just ‘sit on it’. Frustration, out of your control, hurtful, etc, I doubt these feelings will leave you until there is a breakthrough. At some point in his life something might click. We all change all of the time don’t we. Whatever grudge he has, he’s only hurting himself as well as hurting you. Life is too short, as they say xx

Oli

Nov. 23, 2019, 12:53 p.m.

Lynne, this is a very thought-provoking blog for me -- both what you've written and quite a few of the replies. I've been struck by the thought that context is important. I am experienced in identifying boundaries at work, with patients and clients, but outside of that context it's as if I can forget how to do it. I'm sure I don't! -- but I can tell that something is different. When I read your description of the fella with attachment issues who runs when feeling overwhelmed I thought, "Wasn't me was it?" :-) Cos it kinda was. Or rather, I have a lot of form for doing that. I don't think I'd be likely to do it again. Great blog and replies.

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Dido

Nov. 23, 2019, 2:24 p.m.

Hi Oli, I think I identify with him too and perhaps that was also why I needed to be on the receiving end. I too hope I won't cut and run without an adult conversation with the person concerned. I am loosing a lot of fear of speaking out about how things are for me in the face of my own and other's feelings. Best wishes Lynne

LP

Nov. 23, 2019, 2:52 p.m.

Hi Lynne, I feel proud for you to have identified this boundary and kept it in mind. It has taken me 55 years to realise that I need to clarify mine. I look forward to reading others responses. I get how hard it is to have been hurt like that and to want to protect yourself in future, because the pain of loss is deep. People are free to leave and I too seem to need stability. In this universe, things change expectedly and unexpectedly. I can go along with a certain amount of change if it makes sense to me and I have choices. There are things that involve us that we have no say in and protecting myself from being forced into things that I don’t want to do doesn’t sit well with me. I have found myself isolated for this reason, even though I see myself as sociable. I am trying to politely disagree or say that I prefer not to. My emotions can feel raw because my boundaries were not respected as a child. A lot comes down to parenting. Right now there are strong pressures pushing against my boundaries from extended family and also increased workload for budgeting reasons. My choice is either to stand my ground bears the pressures and keep protecting my boundaries, or just say yes to everything that I’m asked to do, or walk away from work and family just stick to my two kids and the few people who don’t put pressure on me and I feel safe with, who will be there will have my back and me theirs.

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LP

Nov. 23, 2019, 2:55 p.m.

My very best wishes to you Lynne, look after you and I give my support to you for doing only what feels right for you.

LP

Nov. 23, 2019, 3 p.m.

I must keep in mind that I too must be aware of people’s/social boundaries. Sometimes I can talk for too long, be too emotional, focus on the negatives. I don’t want to be a drain on others, so I am human, a work in progress. :) LP

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LP

Nov. 23, 2019, 3:10 p.m.

* Correction! “There are things that involve us that we have no say in, but feeling forced into doing things that I don’t want to do because it is not my decision to make, doesn’t sit well with me”. By protecting myself from that, I am seen as “avoiding” and that isn’t apparently a good thing to do.

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LP

Nov. 23, 2019, 3:11 p.m.

Sorry if I’ve hyjacked the flow of responses to your very important blog Lynne, take care. X

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Dido

Nov. 23, 2019, 4:10 p.m.

No need to apologise, It sometimes takes time to write fron the heart as you have done. I am 68 years in finding my way and only just getting the courage to step back and allow others the time and space to explore their own needs without feeling I need to do anything other than look after my self, and be open to helping if asked. Its hard this human stuff ! I think it's ok to stay where you feel safe until you're ready to move into a challenge. Then it's ok to move back to safety if you get overwhelmed too. Go well and best wishes, Lynne

LP

Nov. 23, 2019, 7:09 p.m.

Thank you Lynne! :) xx

Molly

Nov. 23, 2019, 6:34 p.m.

Hi Lynne, good blog that I think many will relate to. I’ve been thinking of an example in my life but didn’t know what angle to take. In your case, I think you are right to be wary. I sometimes wonder just who we can trust in this world. I feel in this day and age it’s easy to stay in touch with a message or an email, even if we don’t talk on the phone or meet up. I’ve had friendships end abruptly. Oh many of them, for all different reasons. It’s hard to go back to them when the damage has been done, whether it was something you did, or something they did, or nothing at all! Some friendships just run their course. I’m good at pushing people away but I’m also good at doing anything for anyone. What a strange combination! I like your last paragraph. I need to put myself first much more than I do. Thanks Lynne, you have given me a lot to think about today! Molly xx

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Dido

Nov. 24, 2019, 2:37 p.m.

thanks Molly, very helpful feedback. Best wishes Lynne

The Gardener

Nov. 23, 2019, 6:38 p.m.

I've been looking beyond family 'boundaries' to my 'extended' family. In our first village here, an only child, same age as my youngest, was intensely miserably. 18 then, parents splitting up, father an alcoholic. She spend most of the day in my courtyard. I carted her back to UK with me. At that time I was a political journalist, and I took her to Press launches in London, one, notably, at the Savoy. She kept all the promotional leaflets! Cont

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The Gardener

Nov. 23, 2019, 6:42 p.m.

She insisted she wanted a life like mine, travel, family, languages. Back in France she had a disastrous relationship with an abusive married man. She picked herself up, had a brilliant career, still has, in a very exotic location. She married, they found very quickly they could not have children. She was already friends with our adopted daughters (still is) and the couple went straight off and adopted. I sent her a mail, and got one back, full news, photos of sons, and absolutely bubbly. So, eggs not in one basked answer.

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Molly

Nov. 23, 2019, 6:56 p.m.

How true Gardener, ‘don’t keep all your eggs in one basket’. I think we focus on the negative much more than we do on the positive. We might not have this or that, but we have that and this xx

Anonymous

Nov. 23, 2019, 7:12 p.m.

Im inspired and reflective after this blog, thank you all. Im going through a very difficult period with moving home and a flare up of a number of chronic conditions im doing my best to manage with grace and mindfulness. im getting there. During the move, a few new friends stepped forward and were like angels. Surprisingly, 2 fell away , one of whom is my longest term freind and i thought closest after knowing everything about each other for over a decade. she decided for some reason to try and renegotiate the terms of the freindship during my move, which she knew had precipitated a bit of a relapse. I sent an authentic and unedited e-mail explaining how upset i was at her lack of sensitivity and timing, suggesting we speak when im more able to take this on soon. She went off the radar and is obviously offended i spoke my mind from a distressed (unwell mentally) place. I suppose im afraid this marks the end of the freindship, though its too early to say. How essential boundaries are but how fragile that fence can be. Im sure there will be learning for both of us.

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LP

Nov. 23, 2019, 9:13 p.m.

Hey Anonymous, I’ve experienced the same with a colleague who was really friendly with me when she was new. We trusted each other enough to talk about things we wouldn’t say to anyone else at work. The someone who was quite competitive and has now left started spending time with her and it was like school playground stuff! They got cliquey then she started not replying to my messages now and again I get scraps of her time. I’ve never felt like this with a another female. I don’t like it, fundamentally I thought I liked her. She says that she’s just busy and can’t get caught up in problems at work. I thought I had someone who was there for me and me them, but alas it seems not. If she does make a friendly approach, I want to let her know that things have changed from when we used to chat about our kids etc. And not hang around for her 2 minute blast! :) Like you, stress triggers my anxiety and I feel that I’ve pushed her away by showing my emotions about work. Bottom line I guess is that a true friend would be able to handle that. She is a colleague and not a friend. It’s made me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Your situation is tough, because it’d been long term and you thought you knew each other well enough. She may reflect and regret letting you down at a difficult time. If not she has shown that you didn’t know her fully. I have slowly very slowly started to join A couple of cheap/ free things to meet people locally. Company is nice, but we can’t know for sure that people will always want what we want. We have to be ok whether or not they are around. Sending healing warmth to you. LP :)

Molly

Nov. 23, 2019, 11:12 p.m.

This has happened to me before too, once when at school, best friend went ‘off’ with some other girl. Very hard to cope with. Other girl was a ***** and got pleasure in it. Then in my early stages of working, made friends with someone who then went ‘off’ with some girl I had tried to include because she seemed lonely. The so called friend and I still keep in touch via Christmas cards, that’s it. The lonely one wanted to be friends when she and the other fell out. I entertained it but I never enjoyed her company. She disappeared in the end with no explanation. Perhaps she didn’t enjoy my company. I had another work colleague much later on and we were good friends. He disappeared from the face of the earth. Nobody has heard from him, so I’m guessing he just wanted to disappear and I try not to take it personally. But gosh yes we do start to take this behaviour personally don’t we. Quite often it is their issues and not ours xx

Daisy

Nov. 24, 2019, 8:08 a.m.

Hi Lynne thank you for your thought provoking blog and all the comments. I found it very helpful to read. One of my main challenges is boundaries and my lack of setting them. When people cross where they should be- I get depressed and feel helpless. I resonated with a lot of the comments I had a close friend who dropped me with no explanation- I never found out why - only clue they said they had left it too late to bring up issues. Another friend who I drove around and did things on a 1:1 basis she had very active social life and when I eventually plucked up courage to ask if she would include me on one of the gang outings- she said I was so miserable that she was embarrassed of me. But she still wanted me to drive her around even when she bought her own car - which I refused. I felt trapped but finally was able to cut off when I moved. I think I have learned- I don’t ‘dump’ ie moan at least as much and have less friends- but probably kept the good ones and been selective about new ones. My sister in laws are challenging - I am trying the approaches people above are commenting- so it is encouraging to read others going through similar.

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Dido

Nov. 24, 2019, 2:42 p.m.

Thanks Daisy, this discussion has brought many things to mind for me too. Go well! Best wishes Lynne

Nicco

Nov. 26, 2019, 9:27 a.m.

Daisy, i had a similar thing happen to me. Someone i thougt of as a really close friend & who i thought i could be 'real' with suddenly stopped being in my life - i'd been helping her a lot & we'd go out together - she said if it wasnt for me she'd be a recluse.. I eventually asked if there was something i'd done ro make her distance myself from her & she said i was too morose & 'everybody' thinks so. I was shocked, hurt & angry. I told her that i thought i could be who i am & was at the time - my mother had just passed away which had brought up a lot of negative emotions &, anyway, she often would start the conversation (which i sometimes said i didnt want to discuss but she said it's better out than in). I told her that good friends usually feel they can talk through grievances & she should've said something earlier & that i would still remain friends but if she ever did anything like that to me again we'd have to end the friendship. I think she was quite shocked that i said that to her. We parted fairly amicably after that but didnt really get back together - she would igmore my emails & texts so i left things & about a year passed with her finding new friends & going out with them- i knew this because we were both attending a group which met monthly. My husband had to be admitted to hospital with a condition which meant it was touch & go for a while. She knew this but still kept het distance & never enquired about him or about how i was coping. Then her husband became ill & went into hospital. She said she was very worried about how to cope with things, especially a certain aspect which she couldnt do. My husband had recovered sufficiently by then & started going to once a week to help out Her husband is still recovering (now at home) & we go to see him/them weekly. I must admit i have mixed feelings but keep telling myself to rise above what went on in the past, but i wont be drawn in emotionally again. She asked if i could help her with a certain thing i used to help her with & i said no so i think she is aware that i now have boundaries which i won't cross. The whole incident has made me rethink my own boundaries - i was never taught this when growing up & was always made to put others first so i became a peoe pleaser. My husband was never aware of boundaries either which caused a lot of problrms in our marriage, especially regarding his work. He was taught ro put others first too so i always came last in the pecking order, even the cat ranked just sbove me! I read the boundaries book & gave it to him to read which started him on the road, but i guess we are both still works in progress.

Sugarandspice

Nov. 24, 2019, 5:56 p.m.

This is a really helpful discussion, thank you Lynne for starting it. Over the past year and a half I have also had two people reject me - both who have been in my life for a significant period of time. Both of whom were people I confided in and trusted, I felt they accepted and loved me unconditionally. I now look back and feel so very foolish and so very sorry for myself. Alongside that I feel to blame in that my boundaries and sense of self were so fragile and unclear that my behaviour contributed to the endings of these relationships. A counsellor I was seeing until recently told me that she felt that yes my boundaries and sense of self were particularly iffy and yes this meant that once I started to find my voice and draw my boundaries a bit clearer, these folk didn't like it. It is something I regret so much, along with other aspects of my past behaviours and self development. I feel I have lost so much and was so well meaning. I just really wanted to be accepted and loved. At any cost. Wanted to make my friends and loved one's happy. Not really knowing what I wanted for myself. Time to grow up at last. The same counsellor said I needed to now work out my values and beliefs and where these have come from and which I can throw out and which keep. This process will help me to develop my ability to know and define my own boundaries at this stage in my life. This discussion contains so much wisdom.

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Nicco

Nov. 27, 2019, 12:22 p.m.

I hear you S&S because i felt the same re wanting people to like me. I believe everything happens for a reason so, rather than regretting & feeling foolish, i try to look upon things like this as an opportunity to learn & progress. When something like this happens & i feel angry with myself, embsrrassed & foolish, i say to myself, "Ok, this horrid thing has hapoened & maybe i didnt handle it well, & could've handled it better. So.. what can i learn from this experience so i can handle things better if something like this occurrs again?" I then proceed to search for & glean information from friends, i.net, etc. to get their take on things & their input. My daughter works in retail & has had training for dealing with difficult people so she is usually a mine if information. I then store up what i have learned, ready to put it in place & use it in the future. The thing is, those of us who have a softer nature & treat people how we would like to be treated, often get taken advantage of by people who pick up on that softer side. Rather than allow that to make us hard & cynical, i think we perhaps need to just be a bit more vigilant in order to protect ourselves from future heartache. Best Wishes to you. Nicco.

Andrea

Nov. 25, 2019, 12:53 p.m.

Your blog has inspired me to set my own boundaries recently, my ex partner has received the boundaries i should have set when we were together and I have a new lodger who overstepped the mark, I was calm, yet forceful as I told her what my boundaries are .. in the past I would have worried that she was going to dislike me, now i know that boundaries are a good way of keeping myself emotionally safe.. they are strong positive force in my life. So thank you for your blog and how it pushed me to do the same. x

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Nicco

Nov. 26, 2019, 9:38 a.m.

Thank you for your most interesting blog, Lynne, & everyone for their most helpful & informative replies. I have learned a lot from reading here. I resonate with it & the replies. Something above really struck me... how fragile the fences to our boundaries can be. Perhaps we need to be like farmers who regularly inspect their boundary fences & hedges & regularly shore up any breaches, gaps or holes.

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