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Quite Frankly Terrified! Wednesday July 29, 2015

We should have seen it coming I suppose, but it just didn't occur.

So, over the last three days, the scores on the nervous, anxious and scared cards have been sky high!

What was this terrifying thing?

My son wanted to bring his new girlfriend to visit. "And," he told me in an aside, "This one's special!"

My husband and I looked at each other in bewilderment. With our girls, we have had years of getting used to them bringing their friends home for tea, to sleepovers (with conspicuous confectionery consumption), to those friends joining us on holiday. By the time they start bringing home young men I hope we will have a good handle on things. But we've only had six months with Tom.

You remember Tom, don't you? I blogged on 18th February about how I came to adopt my son at 26.

Of course I've known that he has had a succession of young females in his life. He's an attractive, warm hearted lad; it's all perfectly natural.

But, when you take your girlfriend home to meet the parents it's a bit different.

Then there's the fact that Jenny has bright pink, blue and purple hair, tattoos and piercings while we are as conventional a family as you would find in a month of church going Sundays.

So, yes, we were all nervous.

At least I was nervous until I realised that Jenny must be feeling at least as scared as I. "Poor girl," I thought. At that point it stopped being about me and my family and about wanting to make this young woman feel comfortable and welcomed. My focus shifted and, oh boy, did I feel better!

And of course it's been fine. Jenny's lovely. I met them at the station and it took all of ten minutes for us to have the kind of honest conversation you need to have in order to create the basis for a real and authentic relationship.

Tom's sisters like her and are fascinated by her hair. "Mummy – can I have blue hair too?" (Not until you're at university, dear!)

Even my husband has come round, although he says it's the first time he's been greeted with the words "I know I've got the hair and tattoos and piercings, but I don't do drugs or anything like that, honest!"

Wind. Sails. Taken out!

We should have trusted Tom. He has excellent taste. In fact, he's chosen a girl rather like me!

Now – I wonder what I'd look like with blue and pink hair.

A Moodscope member.

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Hopeful One Wed, Jul 29th 2015 @ 6:48am

Hi Mary- thanks for that. When one faces the unknown or the uncertain then that is a fertile area for the NUTS(Negative automatic thoughts) to take over and lead one to imagine the worse.It was that squirt of cortisol that they induced which lead to the low scores on the 'nervous' and anxious cards. As an aside could one be permitted a little humour which the mention of tattoos, colourful hair and piercings triggered in this non NUT mind? It goes like this. A girl with piercings and colourful hair is admitted to hospital with abdominal pain. The surgeon diagnoses an appendicitis and she is taken to theatre. When the surgeon gets to the operation site he finds she has a supra pubic tattoo marked ' Keep of the grass'. The operation is a success. When the girls comes around from the anaesthesia she finds that the surgeon has scrawled on her dressing." Sorry had to mow the lawn' .

Sally Wed, Jul 29th 2015 @ 8:29am

A frank and honest account, Mary, which many of us will recognise! Best wishes to you all, and may this relationship enrich all your lives. :-)

Mary Blackhurst Hill Wed, Jul 29th 2015 @ 9:16am

That made me chuckle! Thank you.

adrian Wed, Jul 29th 2015 @ 10:37am

oh the switch when you considered how she must be feeling. It makes all the difference and enables empathy to happen. the butterfly has emerged and everything looks more beautiful.
so well brought to life, Mary.
thank you

Di Murphey Wed, Jul 29th 2015 @ 12:07pm

Dearest Mary ~
How perfectly lovely to change your point of view, using instead compassion for how she might feel. I am deeply impressed with your empathy and ability to consider such a kind perspective. Additionally, just think what you have modeled for her!

Anonymous Wed, Jul 29th 2015 @ 12:20pm

What a lovely response, Adrian. Karen ( x

Anonymous Wed, Jul 29th 2015 @ 12:25pm

Hi Mary, Mary, was so happy to read this and the lovely responses too....we have gone through this sort of thing with our daughter recently as she is 'going out' with someone quite a few years older and has a ready-made family...all of which worried us, then last weekend we met him, briefly, and as soon as I knew they were in their way round to see us, I thought how nervous he and my daughter must be feeling, which in turn made me less so....and btw, he seems fine and caring to our daughter, which is what counts. And now the big intros are over, it doesn't seem so daunting. Let's hope your son's and our daughter's relationships work out for the best for them.
Thank you, Mary, Karen ( x

The Entertrainer Wed, Jul 29th 2015 @ 2:33pm

Shift Happens!
Love it, Mary

valerie Thu, Jul 30th 2015 @ 8:20am

Every word you ever write on here paints a picture of a warm and compassionate woman.You and your family sound wonderful,so although I am considerably older than 26 I was wondering if you might consider adopting me?

Valerie x

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