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"Pick me, Pick me!...please! Sunday February 28, 2016

Moodscopers are a lovely lot. Many of them have animals, often rescue animals. My mental picture of rescue animals is sad-looking creatures looking imploringly with big eyes at anyone willing to take them on.

I have just paid a subscription to a dating website for which it is necessary to set out a profile. This is the back story plus a photograph which is where the sad imploring eyes come in. There are also so many similarities with job applications, where one draws up a CV (literally 'course of my life,') as if I was totally defined by my work and education.

Unfortunately I have always had a problem with these situations. Even going back to childhood games and waiting to be picked while the better players were chosen by the captains. (That I ended up captaining the school rugby and cricket teams shows how hard I worked to change this.) Although job interviews and dating are meant to be a two-way process, in practice I've always felt like I am sitting there saying "pick me! Please?" The down side is that I don't always check the small print when the process gets a result, and end up in jobs or relationships not quite suitable, which leads to dissatisfaction, and on downwards.

At the moment I am trying to move forward on both fronts simultaneously. (Actually I'm chasing the "Triple Crown" of having my home, my job, and my partner in the same town!)

Leah recently spoke of the fantasy/reality conundrum. I look at my CV/profile and there is nothing with which I can disagree, it is all factual (or justifiable interpretation). I read and think "what a great guy, love to meet him!" Try as I might it doesn't feel 'me'. It is a bit like 'Ace' Rimmer against Arnold Rimmer (Red Dwarf allusion). When it comes to interviews/dates I can talk about 'Ace' Rimmer's achievements/personality with complete objectivity.

Meanwhile the real me is sitting there with the sad imploring eyes.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Hopeful One Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 7:15am

Hi Norman- I enjoyed reading your post and would like to share my experience of dating sites with you . I wrote a profile which was as honest as I could make it so that I was not misrepresenting things or misleading anyone . I also highlighted the fact that my wife suffered from Alzheimer's and a was in a nursing home . I intended to remain loyally married and see my wife through this terrible illness . I explained that I had decided to draw a line under what had happened after a lot of heart searching and begin again. So who ever came into my life would have to 'share' me . I only got in touch with those where there was 80% compatibility in both directions . I reasoned that this would eliminate any statistical anomalies. They also had to live reasonably close to me. I started corresponding with individuals and many left for various reasons . But one lady continued talking and eventually we met . ( Others did reach this stage but I decided not to continue as there was no biochemistry . Remember statistics are one thing but biochemistry is quite another!). Eventually I found this lovely lady and if there is such a thing as love at first sight then this was it for me. I had found what I was looking for and she said the same. A happy ending one might say.

But of course it can also have a funny side.

This guy merits this lovely lady through a dating site . They eventually decide to meet . They get on so well that eventually they go the whole way. After a session of love making this guy opens the bedside drawer to look for a lighter. He notices a photo of a man. Alarmed that it's the husband he asks the lady who is the guy in the photo . She say " That was me before the operation"

Norman Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 9:38am

Later than usual HO: a good night's sleep? Thanks for the positive story: I will keep it in mind! The joke has an ironic twist: I was happily messaging a tall, slim, single parent woman but was getting suspicious, then she admitted that she was transgender and was originally the father of her children.

Mary Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 11:06am

Darling HO and Norman, I totally get the joke and understand your position Norman, but would ask you to be sensitive to the fact that Moodscope is an open accepting place.Transgender people suffer with depression too and I hope they will always feel welcome here.

Hopeful One Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 12:11pm

Hi Mary- I fully accept your point. My apologies to the LBTG Moodscope community who are of course always welcome here.

Lou Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 9:12am

I can so empathise with this really great blog Norman. I *love* the 'Ace' vs Arnold Rimmer example! It’s so true and very fitting as I am currently on the jobsearch roundabout too.

As for the rescue animal, I was rescued by my cat when I visited her at the animal shelter almost 4 years ago and she picked me. I only get the sad eyes when she wants food or to play and her human isn’t cooperating!

Good luck with all the big changes!


Norman Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 9:30am

Hi Lou! I often look at human-pet relationships and wonder who is training who? I wasn't sure if the Rimmer example would be known to many people. Are you a Dwarfer too? Loved that series! Good luck with the jobsearch: having both interviewed and been interviewed, I would rather be interviewed and I have seen how random the process can be when choosing between two or three almost-perfect candidates. Perhaps dates are the same in practice? Food for thought!

Lou Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 9:52am

Oh, I know full well who is in charge in this relationship and it isn't me! Dog's have owners, cats have staff!! I did watch a lot of Red Dwarf and liked the early years. I could relate to a bunch of misfits! Thanks for the good wishes. Job hunting is a painful process, made worse with health issues..but that's a whole other story!

Susannah Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 4:11pm

Hi Norman, Lou. I certainly got the Ace/Rimmer reference - don't worry Norman - we're with you on that! And both of you: good luck with the interviews. My trick is to remember that often the interviewer is nervous - if it's a technical or shop floor interviewer, not somebody from HR. So if they ask a rubbish question, answer fully the question they 'intended' to ask - I don't mean ignore their question and launch into a speech, but give a comprehensive answer on the topic in question. They will then feel that they did the interview well, and will think on you positively. Also, prepare well: they are going to ask that horrible question "What is your biggest weakness" - so have a response ready!

Lou Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 9:42pm

Thanks Susannah, excellent advice :)

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 10:51am

Susannah, I agree: that's exactly what "Ace" would do...

Norman Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 9:34am

Hi all!

I will be out all day today. (Actually a SECOND date (!?!)) So I am not ignoring your contributions, I will respond to everyone either late tonight or tomorrow.

I am going to a town called Drogheda: having been an admirer of Oliver Cromwell for years this could be interesting!


Lou Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 9:49am

Best of luck Norman - have a great day!

Hopeful One Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 10:09am

Hi Norman- Love is luck and love is blind. So hope you find what you are looking for.

Mary Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 11:09am

Hey Norman, I live in Huntingdon, the birthplace of Oliver Cromwell! We have a museum dedicated to him in the old Grammar school he attended. Ironically, his statue is in the market square of St Ives, five miles away, as apparently Huntingdon itself was too Royalist to countenance his statue in our own market square! Hope the second date went well.

Susannah Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 4:13pm

Hope the date was fun

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 12:15pm

Mary hi! I've been to H. (used to live in Cambridge) there is a pub there called "The Lord Protector." Your tale reminds me of Thetford, birthplace of Thomas Paine, who ignored the fact for years until the US bases arrived and the Education officers arranged trips to see where the hero of independence was born. The daughters of the revolution paid for a memorial which the burghers sourly accepted.

Leah Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 9:54am

Where do I start. So much to comment on.
Firstly thats great about the 2nd date.

I was never picked, I would dream about being picked last, but my hand eye co-ordination skills were non existent, so I was never picked. Captains would rather have one less on the team than have me on the team! Sad but true.

Dating. I assume that UK is same as Australia where there about 40 women for every man over 50 on a dating site. So it is the men who do the picking. In 3 months the only emails I got were from scammers. How did I know? Well I know my emails are fascinating but to fall in love with me after 2 emails- really that is unbelievable- takes at least 4 emails!!

Norman you have a way with words. Your honesty is endearing.

Mary Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 11:12am

Oh Leah, 40:1 - not good odds! Why is that? What happens to all the men before they reach 50? On the other hand, Norman, maybe you should move out to Australia!

Leah Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 11:36am

Before all single UK men over 50 move to Australia, this was on one web site and was several years ago. Maybe it was a slight exaggeration but you get the idea.

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 11:02am

Leah, I have heard that if you are a single woman then Alice Springs is the place to be: the highest male:female ratio in the world.

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 12:19pm

"you have a way with words" Praise indeed from you Leah!

Norman Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 10:30am

Leah hi!

40 women for every man? Men who do the picking? That puts my efforts into perspective....

The Gardener Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 11:16am

Moodscope's driving me mad. The song 'Little Boxes' was stuck in my ear, then today 'pick me' - I jumped to conclusions, and got the song 'wake me up before you go go' thought it was 'pick me up'. Anybody doing another tomorrow to get stuck? Something very cheerful please - definitely not 'stop the world I want to get off' or something to do with Monday, forgotten. Being picked? I got on the rounders team at grammar school because I was left-handed and could whack the ball into the long grass, by the time it was found I'd scored. Of course, my advantage went playing away. Friend and I, both suffering acute stress, are looking at a formula for assuming 'water off a ducks back' when our spouses/partners rile us. Mine can't help it, in theory, his can. Any offers? Norman, best of luck. The cynic in me can't help quoting Nancy Mitford's 'Love in a cold climate'. Linda has died, giving birth to her handsome lover's child. Fanny, the narrator, says 'He was the love of her life'. Her mother, nick-named as 'The Bolter', on at least her 6th liaison replies 'Oh, dulling (how they spoke in her circle) one always says that, every, every time'. So go to it, Norman, and good luck.

Leah Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 11:41am

Gardener, I loved , "love in a cold climate" the book and the tv series. The Mitfords were one of those wonderfully eccentric families. I have been singing "little boxes' too. The trouble is what is a cheerful blog to one person maybe be distressing to another. I look forward to your daily posts and wonder what anecdotes and wisdoms you will share. Take care

Mary Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 11:41am

Oh, that does make me laugh! Two quotes on a similar theme. The cure for a broken heart? Another one! And the best way to get over a man? Get under another one!

Mary Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 11:37am

Norman, I would just like to share my very positive experience of looking for the perfect partner. Following a series of pleasant but ultimately unsatisfactory relationships I sat down (with a close friend who knows me well) and made a detailed list of all the traits I wanted in a partner. It covered two sides of A4 and included everything from financial status (I was specific), through the fact he had to have blue eyes to my need for him to be happy to don black tie at the drop of a hat. Having made the list I then (on the advice of this friend) put it at the back of a drawer and forgot about it. That was May. That August the same friend and I accepted an invitation to go camping (camping???) in cornwall with an outdoors group. I met my husband there. We'd been dating for three months when I found the list again and decided, just for fun, to go through it. To my astonishment I could tick off a significant proportion of my "requests" (some I didn't have information on at that time). I now know that I got every single thing in him I had asked for (dammit - why was I so conservative with my requests???) and got the perfect man for me. In fact, his best friend from playschool years has said that if I had set out to describe my husband I could not have done better. We've been very happily married now for 17 years and have two lovely girls. He's my rock and my solace. I'm his light and joy. It works.
I would encourage you therefore, to really think about the perfect woman for you and ask for her. Make a list. Be specific (and positive - never say "she can't be this or that", say she must be this or that). Once you have made your list, then forget it. Carry on with your life and with dating, Don't compare every woman with your list, just trust God/the universe to do the work. Oh, and from my husband's side? He knew he wanted marriage and family but that it hadn't happened with what he was doing, so he decided to accept, for a year, every single social invitation that came his way. He very nearly decided not to go camping in Cornwall when invited, but remembered his vow and went anyway! (Oh, and my friend also found her perfect partner too and they have been happily married for 16 years now!)

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 12:20pm

Interesting Mary, may give that a go just to see what happens.

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 5:17pm

Mary, interestingly my present date is churchgoing, conservative, car-owning, respectable middle-class. By any measure it shouldn't work, but so far it is. Strange!

the room above the garage Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 12:52pm

Happy day to you Norman, just be honest and you can't go wrong, love ratg xxx.

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 12:40pm

Hi Ratty, Moodscope is like a diary which gives you a hug afterwards...

Frankie Sun, Feb 28th 2016 @ 3:56pm

Hi Norman: LOVE Red Dwarf! Oh, and me too with never being picked ... Just wanted to say the very best of luck with everything (still dry?) And I love Mary's advice for you; sounds brilliant. Hi everyone! Frankie

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 11:07am

A cynic would say I solved the problem of never being picked by getting into positions where I did the picking (captain, manager)!

Mary S Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 5:19am

Ace Rimmer?
What a guy!

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 11:05am

There seems to be a statistical link between Red Dwarf fans and depression judging from the replies!!!!!

LillyPet Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 7:34am

Hi Norman, hope you pick this late reply up! I guess we all struggle with our self esteem. We worry too much about what others think of us. Your good qualities and personality come through and I would guess that they are not false and only "on paper". A good match whether as a date, job or whatever will make you feel at ease and allow your true self to shine through. Think only of the positive things about you that you believe to be true and stick with those. Congrats on your achievements! LP :)

Norman Mon, Feb 29th 2016 @ 5:23pm

It's not what people think that concerns me, it's the fact that employment and other major life aspects depends on what they think!

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