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September


Pattern matching part 1. Sunday September 29, 2013

Isn't it amazing? A newborn baby knows how to cry, to suck, to smile, to follow the eyes of its primary care giver?

A child has an incredibly flexible ability to learn whatever language it starts to hear, and, indeed, multiple languages if exposed to them?

It's somehow 'in there', a part of the genetic inheritance we are all endowed with, developed over millions of years of evolution. It seems that we have the ability to connect up what is inside of us with what is outside of us.

We are also very adaptable and flexible. It is as though we have templates or patterns within us that allow us to make an interpretation of the reality outside of us. We 'pattern-match' to the expectations we have and make a connection. A baby will suck on a nipple or a feeding bottle or a dummy or a thumb or a nose. The message inside is something like 'suck on anything that approximates to a nipple and it might feed you'.

Pattern matching carries on throughout or lives. I guess education works like this. Is it that we connect up that which is outside of us with what is inside of us? But of course as we progress we accumulate a whole lot more inside of us, new skills, experiences, memories that can be retrieved. Sometimes this is where things get tricky. Our flexible, adaptive, pattern matching mind/brains can get us into bother at times.

There will be more...but enough for early morning I sense.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment on our Blogspot:

http://moodscope.blogspot.com/2013/09/pattern-matching-part-1.html


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Comments

Anonymous Sun, Sep 29th 2013 @ 9:31am

There is a song lyric: " Television. A cathode ray nipple..." Interesting post, Bill.

Anonymous Sun, Sep 29th 2013 @ 2:52pm

Yes, as a baby I was whole and affected by my parents past culture-but as i grew I took on new customs, thoughts, behaviours as I patterned after my parents, peers, culture and environment. Some of these patterns have proved to add to preservation of life and a positive self image but others, one in particular took away from my preservation of life and image. I saw my mother, from my age of 12-17 living with an emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive man. What I learned and later patterned after was ""it is more important to be with a man who mistreats you than to stand up for yourself, be alone, and move on'' thus I chose the same kind of men and i ''settled'' for what came a long, not waiting for someone who treated me with respect. I am 37 now and just starting to be able to say ''no, not this guy, next" and stop letting toxic men or men who do not appreciate me, truly want a long term relationship, or are abusive to me into my life. It doesnt mean i blame my mom for my problems, i just recognized this pattern. The power in the pattern was markedly reduced this summer when we had a talk and i was able to tell my mom how I felt. That i felt she chose the abusive men over me and stood up for them instead of me when i questioned or critisized how they acted. This was very hard to do because I did not want my mother to think I was ''blaming her for my depression'' or ''saying she was a bad mother'' or ''anger'' her. Because I am so insecure, i was worried about her feelings instead of just being able to confidently say this is how it was for me. But I still was able to say it and as i thought her first reaction was to get angry and blame me, but moments later, she started to cry and realized what she had done and apologized. This was a very powerful moment in my life. I reminded her over and over that this was not about nailing her to the cross about her ways as a mother nor about placing blame, just that I needed to get it off my chest. She ''said'' she understood and the child in me is still afraid she went home and thought ''what a b! she's blaming me for her problems and critisizing me" but ultimately those are HER feelings. I am not responsible for HER interpretation of what I said-although i feel very responsible for it and worried about it. This is her business and her job to integrate and process the conversation-it is none of my businness and I neednt worry. That said, after I told her about this and she got mad then transcended the anger and went to acceptance-she all of a sudden recalled events in HER chidlhood when she was abused by her parents and how angry she felt. Tears from her eyes and very passionately, she recounted 3 separate incidents which really hurt her. Ultimately it was a good release for both of us I think. But it was one of the hardest things i ever had to do, mainly because of this; the fear that ''what if i tell her how i feel and she STILL stands up for the abuser?" then i would be retraumatized and hurt again. I was so afraid of her not understanding=but i had to take the leap and not think about that-stop being so focussed on receiving the answer i wanted to hear and just stand up for myself. Also i put it VERY gently to her and had a whole lead up to the conversation talking about relationships in general, codependance, settling, patterning after others which was not a conversation directed at her or about her (from her point of view) just a talk in ''general'' about relationships. It was key to plant these seeds and open up the conversation that way PRIOR to actually talking about what bothered me for so many years.

Bill Andrews Sun, Sep 29th 2013 @ 4:11pm

Dear Anonymous,
Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a complete story that shows your courage and your honesty. It is often so difficult to even begin to acknowledge the pattern matching in our lives, how we can have often integrated very unsupportive patterns and how these can dominate us in our choices. It also takes great courage to protect ourselves from a descent into blame, both of ourselves and others. Standing up for ourselves is not about landing blame at another's door and further relinquishing our power and it is also not about now taking on the worry about another's response when we gently explain how things have been from our own perspective. So often, simply the process of unveiling to ourselves our pattern matching and by bringing it into our conscious awareness we can immediately begin to feel relief. Seeing how we have an ability to respond, to choose differently, to have 'response-ability' as opposed to 'reactivity' can begin to set us free from emotions, thoughts, feelings, behaviours and experiences that may have enslaved us, kept us prisoner, for even decades.
Thank you again and I wish you all the very best on your journey.
Bill

Anonymous Tue, Oct 1st 2013 @ 8:21am

Bill, a child is endowed with these amazing abilities by means of intelligent design and is not the by-product of blind chance or evolution. Look at us, we're amazing creatures! Observe the intricacy and wonder in all living things for that matter. We were GIVEN these wonderful talents and abilities.

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