On Being Human

26 Oct 2019
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A grave sticky life

Severely self-critical

Has been a record of

My past life.

But if I carry on this way

I will be shrivelled up inside;

There will be no joy or light;

But just drudgery and despair.

We all err

That's part of being human

I need to remember

To let go

Of my past.

Learning to forgive

Myself and others

Is the only way forward

For me.

Courage is sometimes needed

To start each new day.

To wake each day

With the curiosity to venture forth,

With commitment

To make the best

Of each day,

Empowering me to be compassionate

To others with whom

I come into contact.

Orangeblossom

A Moodscope member.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

Moodscope members seek to support each other by sharing their experiences through this blog. Posts and comments on the blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice.

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Comments

waterfall

Oct. 27, 2019, 5:56 a.m.

Dear Orangeblossom, The clocks have gone back, everyone says we can have an extra hour lie in, oh! if only. I went to bed about just after 11pm then woke about 2am "old time" I got up around 5am I wish I could have gone back to sleep. I've not been into Moodscope I think it said 281 days, where've I been, in my own narrow world, longing to get out. I've loads of books on the subject, been on loads of courses, as my husband (in the nicest way, he is very caring) says all the gear and no idea, when this happens, why do we let ourselves slide down that slippery pole, do nothing, don't go out, don't want to do anything or meet anybody, running all the time away from myself, getting nowhere. Oh! Orangeblossom, you have awakened my mind this morning, perhaps this will be the day to venture away and unlock the chains, see further than the end of my nose perhaps there is something good around the corner if I take the trouble to look. We have a lot of apples and pears, I'm going to make some flapjack with them as a filling, not even thought of doing anything about the lovely fruit. (In my gloom I viewed the fruit as a blinking nuisance, could have quite easily let it all been pecked and eaten by the birds, the seagulls love to swoop down and fly away somewhere to scoff the lot!! So here goes it's a new day, my daughter is due back from Lansarote (oh! wrong spelling forgive me) with our grandson, they've had a lovely time (she is one parent) I admire her doing that all on her own, do wish her "mother" could fly off somewhere but I would see all the reasons why I can't, that would convince me not to go, but I live by the sea, am retired, I "should" (notice that word) be happy where am. I can do it!!! go for it! Bye for now Waterfall.

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Bearofliddlebrain

Oct. 27, 2019, 6:26 a.m.

Oh Waterfall, So glad you made it back here...as you’ll make it outside today, to get that fruit before the birds take the last of it. Go, make flapjack, tart apple pie, apple and sultanas crumble...think of the warming, fruity goodness for you and your husband! And what a warm autumnal greeting for your daughter and grandson to come home to from the heat of the island to the chill of October! Wave to those pesky seagulls and say hi to the sea from me..miss the sea. Go,You can do it. Bear hugs x x x

Sally

Oct. 27, 2019, 7 a.m.

Welcome back, Waterfall! I remember your lovely name on here! How well you describe the **** of withdrawal from life, the lack of enthusiasm for earth ‘s bounty ( the annoying fruit!) and the feeling you “should” . You’re on the way back up! Hurray! Enjoy the flapjack, and your daughter and grandson. I hope they’ve had a super time in Lanzarote. Xx Sally

Orangeblossom

Oct. 27, 2019, 7:33 a.m.

Hi Waterfalll, Thanks for your very encouraging response to the blog. I am delighted to read that you are emerging from your cocoon.

The Gardener

Oct. 27, 2019, 8:28 a.m.

Waterfall, lovely response. Food and entertaining is paramount with me - did my usual, 3 people for lunch and shopped for 10. Luckily been asked out to lunch today, so they will get a basket of fruit. As a war-child, hatred of waste is inured!

Bearofliddlebrain

Oct. 27, 2019, 6:29 a.m.

Morning Orangeblossom, Learning, forgiving, empowering, encouraging - you’ve given us all so much to remember this morning. Things we need to do to live and love the life we have. Big Bear hugs ***

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Orangeblossom

Oct. 27, 2019, 7:34 a.m.

Thanks for the Big Bear Hug! Love it & would love to give you a hug also.

Hopeful One

Oct. 27, 2019, 6:39 a.m.

Hi Orangeblossom - what a lovely poem! It mentions all the critical ingredients that promote and maintain a low mood with its lack of motivation, energy and despair. An overactive severe inner critic that makes us shrivel up inside ,the need to let go of the past before we become it’s prisoner, the need to forgive at some point and then forget it if we can. If we can accept ourselves as we are ,replace that inner critic for a friendly one and stop being dissatisfied with ourselves .accept things and pick up our courage and optimism we open the gate to a more joyful future. But have we not forgotten something? Let’s also pack in a little laughter to help us on our way and maybe others. A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

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Oli

Oct. 27, 2019, 9:07 a.m.

That's funny :-) ; and I like those thoughts too HO.

Molly

Oct. 27, 2019, 2:29 p.m.

Same, good words and good joke xx

Sally

Oct. 27, 2019, 7:05 a.m.

Morning , Orangeblossom! Thank you for this heartfelt poem, and the reminder of how we torture ourselves...and others! It’s true alas, and I do live the part where you say we’ll be shrivelled up inside if we keep on like this. One question: could you explain to me “ a grave sticky life” , it intrigues me. Thanks again xx well done too.

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Orangeblossom

Oct. 27, 2019, 7:37 a.m.

Hi Sally before I had my job& started learning to make the best of each day, I was a very miserable maggot of a being. It has been a slow process but life has many good things!

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Sally

Oct. 27, 2019, 7:48 a.m.

Thanks for that. Your job sounds interesting too. If I remember rightly, you help students study? Well done, we can always get out of a rut, even if it takes ages seemingly. Life does indeed have many good things. I was reminding myself this morning to focus on those , however small: the prettiness of a plate bought in France , breakfast making, all those lovely raspberries added to cereal, the cosy bed ...and Moodscope !

Orangeblossom

Oct. 27, 2019, 1:25 p.m.

Thanks Sally. Yes I support students with learning difficulties especially with note-taking. Love it & learning new things all the time.

Liz

Oct. 27, 2019, 7:47 a.m.

All the reasons why I love poetry and Moodscope and others' talent, not just for the beautiful words themselves encapsulating so many feelings and emotions that I recognise so well but also for seeing the light through the darkness and the encouragement to move forward, whichever path we take. The first steps are the tentative baby ones. Talking of fruit, I have made loads of chutney Waterfall... made three varities this year... fig, spicy apple and spicy apple with chocolate (probs my favourite of the three). I love the experimentation with it all! Here's to fruity forays and thank you for the blog x

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The Gardener

Oct. 27, 2019, 8:32 a.m.

OB, your blog has really 'got' me today. 8 weeks of weddings, UK visits, being royally entertained, again back here, help and support from friends. Then, yesterday, a phone call. A partner of one of my son's has breast cancer. Diganosis, the shock, operation, starting chemo, all before the weddings, one of his son, another a nephew. They kept quiet, not saying a word of their ordeal not to cast any cloud over the weddings. What courage.Invited to lunch today, then my painter is going to do my WHOLE list. Wow. xx

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Bearofliddlebrain

Oct. 27, 2019, 8:50 a.m.

Thinking good thoughts for daughter in law, TG. Bear hugs xx

The Gardener

Oct. 27, 2019, 10:17 a.m.

Thanks Bear, this couple were incredible at Mr G's funeral. They came over 3 days before, moved furniture, organised shop so 60 people could have lunch, then my kitchen so whole family could get in. She's a lovely 'girl' (probably your age bear!!)x

Valerie

Oct. 27, 2019, 9:07 a.m.

Oh dear,if this is the same side where some rift arose,it could explain a lot.*** help her and her family.xx

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The Gardener

Oct. 27, 2019, 10:15 a.m.

Valerie, luckily the 'rift' is eldest son and I. Lovely pictures of whole family at b-in-law's 90th birthday. The siblings will rally, as well as his own children and their partners. xx

Valerie

Oct. 27, 2019, 9:11 a.m.

Morning Orangeblossom, I am going to print this out,and use as a daily reminder.I have built up such a fear of November (based on events from the past) that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.I need to be kinder to myself in order to be a good person to others.Thank you for this xx

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Lexi

Oct. 27, 2019, 9:14 a.m.

I too have a bad track record with November and December. Hugs to us both Valerie xo

The Gardener

Oct. 27, 2019, 10:52 a.m.

Nobody has quoted Thomas Hood: 'No sun - no moon! No morn - no noon No dawn - No dusk - no proper time of day - November! His poem 'I remember' is pretty depressing as well.

Oli

Oct. 27, 2019, 11:16 a.m.

@Val, dunno if this helps but I don't get bothered by dates and I think it's because I do either one, or both, of a couple of things: (1) Is the "big picture" overview. The perspective is that our little local calendar is so small and arbitrary and is nothing special. It's just one of many other calendars used by different civilizations and cultures, just one way of marking out the days. And one can keep zooming out till you see our planet orbiting our sun as it has done for a very, very long time. "November" or any label becomes a mere nothing. Or that's how it looks for me at any rate. (2) Is the thought that's that when we do things like making "November" = "bad" we're doing that uniquely human thing of transferring ideas symbolically. I managed to annoy one of my colleagues at work, a Star Wars fan, by showing her how this works by relating the movie's Stormtroopers to pineapples and strengthening the links so that for her, one=the other. And for us, "November" can = pineapple too, just as easily as it = bad. The core point is that the relationships are arbitrary and we get quite a lot of say in how they're established, maintained, and can be manipulated. x

Orangeblossom

Oct. 27, 2019, 1:20 p.m.

Hi Oli, I shall bear this mind as we approach January, my least favourite month. It is a new way of looking at a year.

Valerie

Oct. 27, 2019, 3:52 p.m.

Oli,you are priceless.Shall we change the Calender months to be named after fruits? A problem could arise if someone hates both November and Pineapple.I would love to have been a fly on the wall during your conversation with the Star Wars fan.I live with one of those,and they can get very touchy if you argue with their views x

Valerie

Oct. 27, 2019, 3:54 p.m.

Well he was obviously a little ray of sunshine,poor Mrs.Hood if there was one! xx

Nicco

Oct. 28, 2019, 8:18 a.m.

I also have difficulties with November, which is very strange as Autumn is my favourite season (love to get the candles out & snuggle up with a throw & the tv with some knitting or tapestey stitching!) & November is the month of my birthday (a big one for me this year!) I wonder if it's something to do with the ***** changing, getting dark earlier, that upsets the circadium rhythm.

Lexi

Oct. 27, 2019, 9:13 a.m.

How beautiful Orangeblossom. it's early here, but I woke up to your poem and loved it. Thank you. xo

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The Gardener

Oct. 27, 2019, 10:59 a.m.

The farmer who has asked me to lunch phoned me at 8.13 (new time) this morning. Having fallen out of bed and found the phone she said 'OH, did I wake you?' I shall be well fed, but farmhouse dark and dreary (they are not poor, but have one bulb, un-shaded, in a huge room). They will quiz me about Brexit. She is very devout, and very racist, whilst filling her house with Polish and Bulgarians who work on the polders. Right, sur la route.

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Nicco

Oct. 27, 2019, 2:30 p.m.

Lovely poem, Orangeblossom, thank you. I must admit I have struggled long & hard with forgiveness over the years until I came to a place where I realised that sometimes forgiveness isn't appropriate. I feel a lot more free these days because I don't beat myself up over it... have I forgiven (whoever)? If not, why not? Does the pain get in the way of forgiving? What if they were to ask for forgiveness? And so it went on until I just let it all go. I realise that for me it's not about forgiveness but about letting go - another tough one I grappled with for years... How on earth do I it? Is the pain too deep which means it will be with me forever? Will the pain go if I forgive? And round in circles I would go! Until I hit upon a formula which feels very right for me... I heard someone one say that they leave the past where it is. Those six little words was like a light bulb of the brightest kind had been switched on for me. I realised that I don't have to re-live the past in the now. The past can stay exactly where it is - in the past. I don't have to keep poking, prodding & picking at it (like trying to peel off a dressing to an old wound) in order to see if the pain is still there or if an amount of healing has taken place (therefore stirring up all the old emotions of anger & fear) because it's ok where it is. What a relief! When ever thoughts of the past come into my head (which I know from old experience can ruin a whole day, a week & even send me spiralling down to such depths that I used to drink myself into a stupor in order to anaesthetise my mind & emotions), I just say to myself, "Well, that's all in the past & it can stay there - I don't have to do anything with it. What's done is done & nothing I can do will change it. I just thank *** I don't have to go through those experience again because it's over & it stays where it is". I know we're not supposed to mention religion here (I don't even like the word 'religion'), but I just think that forgiveness isn't actually my place to do - it's between the people who caused me such harm & damage & their conscience (they probably don't have one, or don't think they do where I'm concerned, of course), but even that is between them & ***, it's up to *** to forgive them, not me. I know that's probably a controversial way of looking at things, but it works for me. I don't feel I'm shirking my duty here either, I just feel I don't have a duty to them at all. I owe them absolutely nothing. I do, however, have a duty to look after myself, & I don't think I have to forgive others in order to feel better about myself or what happened to me. I do have to forgive myself, of course, which involves me being easier on myself, giving myself the nurture, love & care which I should have got & didn't get. I don't feel cheated anymore either. Life was simply how it was for me - lots more people out there had much harder lives to cope with than me. I used to feel that life wasn't fair - no, it wasn't, but that's just how it was & thank *** that's gone. Sometimes, obviously, things happen in the present which remind me of past experiences & I feel a shot of pain, but the pain isn't so great now, just a little pinprick instead of a knife twisting & twisting. When I get those pinpricks, I say to myself what I have stated above.. "Thank you for reminding me, but that was in the past & that is where it stays, thank you!" and I move on. I had to do this many, many, many times a day to start with, but now it's only a few times in a day. I don't know why it works, but it does. Perhaps it's a kind of repetition of affirmation & re-affirmation, perhaps it's creating new neural pathways in my brain (I've read that sort of stuff in self-help books, tried sticking them on mirrors, etc, but it didn't work for me, in fact I've tried all sorts of things which didn't work) I've no idea, except that for me, at this point in time, it is working & I'm very grateful for it. I hope it continues, but I am under no illusion that it sill work all the time, especially when life takes a turn for the worse, but I'll cope with that if & when it comes. I wish you well & am sending strengthening vibes through the ether to you, & a gentle virtual hug. x

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Molly

Oct. 27, 2019, 5 p.m.

This is a blog in itself Nicco. Very interesting read, must try and follow some of this advice xx

Nicco

Oct. 28, 2019, 8:05 a.m.

Thanks Molly. I know we are all different but all i can say is it works for me!

Molly

Oct. 27, 2019, 3:25 p.m.

Hi Orange, this is a good reminder for those of us that are far too hard on ourselves. I read it several times, hoping it would sink in somewhere in my small brain for a tool to help get through the day and for days ahead. I don’t think there is anyone else I need to forgive more than myself. However these things were more to do with my mental health with absolutely no malice intended. Thank you for sharing your poem xx

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Jul

Oct. 27, 2019, 3:47 p.m.

Thus really is a lovely poem OB. You've said it all really in a few sweet words. You come across as a very compassionate person in your comments every day on Moodscope. I'd love to see another poem of yours when you are ready. Jul xx

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Oli

Oct. 27, 2019, 4:04 p.m.

Hi Orange. I agree, we are absolutely going to err. Last time I looked we were all fallible. I can usually extend compassion to the point where I can think, "Well, if that other person maybe had a bit more love, compassion, or kindness in their life maybe things would have worked out better. Or at least if they had been open to the possibility of a bit of kindness." But the main thing I find I have to do is just rein in my judgement. I've found a lot of peace in @Nicco's method too as it happens. I know my thoughts will tend to come up with the same old stuff; I try not to buy into it. Having the negative thoughts isn't the problem, it's buying into them. Thanks OB! :-)

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Garry

Oct. 27, 2019, 10:16 p.m.

Thanks Orangeblossom for your words of wisdom, your story Im like youself, self-critical A 110% need to be perfect It would be nice to think that I Can and want to change I like you need to change For my wellbeing, if not I’m going in wrong direction I’m very bad at forgiving Certain persons Myself and others Yes I need a lot of Courage And blind faith in myself The universe It takes hours to get out of bed Quick wash or shower, a shave every few days I’m only one looking after My mum with deminita It’s taking a toll on me She’s been in hospital For to-three weeks They put her in old age Lunny bin There telling me to put Her in a home I’ve been getting 60 seconds Mon-frid help I’ve a small about of hope I’m by very scared Not answering certain people on phone Need courage Faith in myself To do things I’ve Been advoding Good sleep Less pts Make uv box Break up bench in garage Make new smaller one You have inspired me A little to start again It’s going to take a lot of Time, wanting and actually starting and finishing things Things things that I’ve stoped Thanks Orangeblossom

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Molly

Oct. 28, 2019, 12:55 a.m.

Dear Garry, sorry if I am barking up the wrong tree. Please ignore what I say if it isn’t suitable for your situation. Caring for a person single handedly is very tough. Especially one with dementia. The decision to put your mum in a home may well be very hard for you and of course for her, if she is aware. My mum in law wasn’t aware by the time we had to do it which made it easier on her (not us so much but we knew she was safe and looked after). It sounds like your life has been taken away from you and you want to get it back. Maybe your mum wasn’t the only reason for that, it’s hard to tell from these short exchanges. Although you have a positive head on now it seems, so that is good. Coping skills seem to be the answer, not deep ones, just simple ones. Wishing you and your mum all the best xx

Garry

Oct. 28, 2019, 3:57 a.m.

Thanks, I need help in looking after mum mum but I’m very bad at asking for help but I’m beginning to see there’s help out there be that with money or out.

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Garry

Oct. 30, 2019, 10:26 a.m.

Thanks again, Went to see a crowd called family carers had a good chat

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