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Nursing a Grudge. Wednesday April 26, 2017

[To listen to an audio version of this blog please follow this link:]

My GP once said to me, "I get many women in my surgery who want something to make them sleep. They don't need sleeping tablets: they need to forgive the man sleeping next to them for having an affair; sometimes, an affair long ago."

At the time, I nodded and said nothing. It seemed wisest, because I didn't want to get into an argument, but inside, I was seething.

Why should those women have to forgive their husbands? Had those husbands gone down on bended knee and grovelled? Had they bought those wives diamonds, or flowers? Had they taken them to Paris? Had they dedicated themselves totally from that day forward to making their wives happy? In short, did they deserve to be forgiven?

But I didn't understand, then, what my doctor was saying.

Those women were lying awake; their bitterness and resentfulness keeping them from Morpheus' arms; preventing rest. Their husbands, meanwhile, were peacefully asleep. Who, exactly, was suffering?

So, having thought about it, I realised something.

We must forgive for the sake of our own emotional and mental health and not for any other reason. We forgive because we want relationship and love to be re-established more than we want to hold onto our righteous hurt, fury and loss.

Does this mean that our forgiveness wipes out the transgression? Does it mean that it was acceptable for the other person to do what they did?

By no means! Other people injure us for many reasons. Sometimes it is thoughtlessness; sometimes it is by mistake; sometimes they thought they were doing the right thing and it turned out to be so totally the wrong thing, it would have been better had they done nothing at all. And sometimes they hurt us through selfishness, through greed, or just because they can.

And, in the midst of our hurt we cry out, "I shall never forgive them. Never!"

Well, never is a long, long time. It's a wearisome time to carry a heavy lump of bitterness. Some people think that holding onto hurt can increase our chances of falling ill with certain diseases. In fact, we talk about this kind of bitterness, "eating away like a cancer in our chest."

Forgiving someone doesn't make them right. It doesn't mean they didn't hurt you. It doesn't mean that you don't have a right to your upset and anger and grief: you absolutely do.

Forgiving someone has nothing to do with whether they are repentant or not. Sometimes the person who hurt us most is dead. They may have gone to their grave unknowing, or callously indifferent to the harm they did while alive.

We forgive because we want to live. We release the anger and the hurt and the bitterness. We leave it in the past and walk forward because we want the best possible life for ourselves. We wish for peace in our hearts.

And we'd really like to sleep.


A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Sarah Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 5:57am

Exactly! It's like that saying "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” I have realised this and am getting better and faster at letting it go... resentment is poison for you not the other person, my aim is to turn all negative thoughts around for the purpose of ME being at piece... Otherwise I find my brain will keep going back to it. Our brains usually think about what needs to be fixed not things that are ok, you know?

Sarah Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 5:58am

Sorry it's early!! I meant peace not piece! Hahaha ;)

Mary Wednesday Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 3:26pm


The woman whose feet don't touch th Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 6:48am

Hi Mary - so beautifully written. So hard do do - every fibre resists forgiving & we forget it is for ourselves. I am in a difficult place today, but actually if I can forgive those around who have lied, who have schemers and those too weak to sta d up for what is right than it. Would be better for my soul. Thank you for your blog.

Molly Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 7:31am

I listened to your audio version today, you have a lovely soothing voice. Although personally I cannot relate to this and I do struggle whether you write fiction or reality, or maybe it's a mixture of the two and I have not quite grasped it. I would love to hear you do a relaxation audio, that would help me sleep, perhaps you have done one already and could send me a link? I have trouble sleeping you see but not because my husband has had an affair ! Well I don't think he has ! On the general point about forgiving, I must admit I find it harder to do as I get older, but it made me think. Thanks for the blog Mary x

Mary Wednesday Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 3:34pm

Oh Molly, I rarely sleep through the night myself, but not through resentment (and he's far too busy with all his sailing and canoeing activities with the children to have time for an affair, even if (bless him) he had the inclination!). The throwaway comment from my GP was just a useful place to start this blog. And - here at Moodscope I write what I would call imaginative fact. Any events I relate did actually happen, but I tell them in a way that (hopefully) leads me round to a point. Lex says I write in parables. This one, I feel, was far more of a sermon - but from the Fens, not the Mount - sorry about that. As for a relaxation audio thing... I've never thought about it.... what an intriguing idea. I might ask my friend, who is a hypnotherapist, how she does her tapes. And - I wonder what I'd put in them. One based on the seashore immediately springs to mind. Oh, and thank you for the compliment on my voice. You would not have said that though, if you had been at the Fitzwilliam chapter of the BNI this morning, when I belted out the first few lines of Shirley Bassey's "Hey Big Spender" as part of my one minute presentation!

Molly Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 1:42am

Thanks for responding Mary, I do rather like your explanation of imaginative fact. I quite fancy writing a book which I would certainly like to do along those lines, so you are inspiring me ! Oh yes, some waves in the background with your soothing voice sounds good for a relaxation blog. Might send us all to sleep but that is what some of us need ! I do like the fact you give us audios - very clever and I will listen in future. And thank you for the laugh, hey big spender ! Brilliant! With love, Molly xx

Joanne Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 7:31am

I find a quite by Mandella useful 'Forgiveness liberates the soul, it removes fear' I meditate on this regularly as forgiveness is the thing ( among many) I struggle with

Mary Wednesday Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 3:35pm

You are not alone, Joanne, but it is a noble and worthwhile struggle.

Sally Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 8:01am

Exactly so! I love your post today, Mary, because it makes a very important point. I can very much see where the doctor was coming from. A work related injury done to me seven years ago resulted in me never being able to work again. My husband and I saw the doctor together on two occasions during my recovery, and she had excellent advice of that very type to give. She also told me " You must have boundaries and sanctuary". Now, I didn't know what she was getting at to begin with, but over the years, her words became clear. It was excellent advice, and it has allowed me to move on, and not get frozen in time. It aided my recovery in a way I would not have thought possible. I owe that doctor. Big time.

Go well, Mary, and big thank you! I am really pleased you have aired this topic on Moodscope, and now I am going to read what others have commented. Have a lovely day. Sally

Mary Wednesday Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 3:36pm

Thank you so much, Sally. I did wonder how this blog would be received. You GP was very wise.

Hopeful One Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 8:18am

Hi Mary- thank you for highlighting the power of forgiving.There is also another option- to forget. Indeed if we proposed to ourselves 'Forgive or forget-choose one,but we MUST choose one' we will find instant relief because both are powerful tools for diffusing a situation which, if not dealt with quickly,could consume an enormous amount of nervous energy to our detriment. I go a step further. Having done that,after a suitable break, I say to myself 'Forgive or forget -choose BOTH'.That I find truly liberating.

Today's laugh- not sure if I did this one before.I am sure Moodscopers will let me know!

A man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the man hands over the keys to a Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The man replies, "Where else in central New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

Another Sally Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 11:22am

Good one HO. It is good to have you back, I was starting to get worried. :-) another Sally

Mary Wednesday Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 3:43pm

I will echo AS's remark; you were greatly missed. And - love that joke; one of my favourites. Forgetting can be useful too but - if you forget too much, you may make the mistake of trusting again in a situation where you will be hurt again. There is a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I was once in an emotionally abusive relationship. The other person did not mean to be abusive in the least, and would be horrified to know that anyone would interpret his words and behaviour in that way. I have forgiven him completely and moved on, but if I forget, I might find myself at some point in another abusive relationship. Forgiving means the memories have no power to distress, but they serve as useful experience. Sometimes I feel that when people say they are trying to forget, what they are actually doing is trying to hide the pain under the carpet rather than dealing with it. One can rarely walk away, as the carpet tends to grow legs and follow you, regurgitating that pain, at the worst possible moment, back into your life.

Carol Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 8:34am

Yes, agreed, Mary, and I always enjoy your posts.
However, I hope your GP was female, on this occasion. Otherwise it's an awfully stereotypical view of the sexes, even though the illustration itself isn't exactly the point you're making.
In my experience, half the time it's men who have something to forgive...and whose sleep remains undisturbed nonetheless! (I tend to think this curse of sleeplessness, and the accompanying mindset you describe, is largely physiological.)

Mary Wednesday Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 3:47pm

An interesting point, Carol. My own insomnia is almost certainly physiological. The difference is that I rarely mind waking in the night. Social media means there is nearly always somebody awake around the world who is ready to talk. There are many good books to read. If I am really wakeful then there is crafting or writing. The small hours of wakefulness can be precious, even if my dearest friend, currently six hours behind the UK, when I contact them, tells me sternly to go back to bed and sleep!

The librarian Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 8:47am

Great post, Mary, and something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Does anybody have tips on HOW to forgive?

Hopeful One Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 10:55am

Hi The Librarian - How about simply saying to oneself "I forgive you" without any conditions? Try it.

Mary Wednesday Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 3:52pm

Hello Librarian. I did do a course on forgiveness and we were given a six step process... I can't remember exactly, but I have found a couple of sites which deal with it in a very similar way. The is from first is a psychological viewpoint, the second from a counselling website. Have a look at them both. I can't put a link in here, but if you copy and paste into your browser, it should work! Good luck.

Jul Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 9:02am

Hello Mary. I have been able to forget about someone, who caused me so much distress for a long period of my life but I do not feel the need to forgive him. I think forgetting someone who was so significant in one's life is very liberating too. I have genuinely forgotten he exists and have to remind myself sometimes or am reminded by certain issues raised on this site. Forgetting such a dangerous person happens naturally over time in my experience, without me having to force myself to forget or forgive. I am not good at making myself do anything which goes against the grain. I do understand the desire to forgive however and am glad it's helpful and liberating for others. I wonder if your GP had had an affair! Ha ha. He sounded bitter. I do find his comment incredible, sexist and not helpful. But your point is forgiveness, not silly comments by GPs. Following on from Christine's blog yesterday, someone should write a book of GP's ridiculous comments.Julxx

Mary Wednesday Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 3:59pm

Hello Jul, as I was lucky enough to know this GP personally - he was a friend as well as my GP - I think I can be sure that he did not have an affair. His comment was made with compassion and not as a flippant remark. He did a lot of counselling with his patients too. I disagree with you as to the efficacy of forgetting over forgiveness, but if it works for you, then go with it. I prefer to forgive and then to remember without pain (see my comment above to HO) NB - as I was at my Surgery's Patient Participation Group last night, I mentioned the unhelpful comment made by a GP, as related yesterday. The Practice Senior partner was horrified that anyone should have to experience that. She is an immensely compassionate woman and the surgery recently gained an "Outstanding" rating from the NHS version of Ofsted.

Molly Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 1:56am

I can relate to what Jul says (Mary, were you having an affair with the GP?) Sorry that was another bad joke. But it is not always easy to forgive. My past relationships are too complicated to explain but I do find that forgetting is sometimes an easier option. I guess it depends how much that person meant to you and whether they are prepared to still give something to you or not. If they are out of the picture then forgetting them is surely much more useful than forgiving. If they are still a part of your life, then that is another story about whether to forgive. Doesn't it get complicated !! Moving on, I would very much like to contribute to a book about what GP's say :-) xx

LP Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 9:25am

Hi Mary,
I too struggle with this one.
To me, in certain circumstances, the word forgiveness doesnt make sense. If what they did was appaling, direct harm, for selfish reasons, I simply dont get forgiving them. I get "letting go" of the anger, resentment etc., so that one can be at peace, but forgiving them, I don't understand.
At best, I can imagine being indifferent to them.
The word forgiveness to me implies some sort of positivity on my part towards them, when I really want there to be nothing at all, if that makes sense. The memory is bad, there's no getting away from that. Getting to a place where it's in the past and getting emotional about it doesnt help, it didnt then and it doesnt now, is where I am. When I no longer feel obliged to still be involved in some kind of a relationship with them, purely out of loyalty to other family members, I will no longer have to work at how I respond to them. I will be able to say it happend and it's over.

I can see how the experience has given me some positive attributes, but for me to forgive them simply doesn't make sense,Whew! Needed to get that out! This is not about disagreeing with what you wrote Mary, on the contraty, you've really got me thinking about the word forgiveness!

Of course I forgive mistakes, poor judgement or decisions, we are human after all.
In terms of a marriage or relationship that you want to work, that I do get!
Inspite of what I've written Mary, this has been a very helpful blog for me. It gets to the heart of why I think I'm here. When I think deeply about it, it does feel like I'm nursing a grudge that I can feel burning away in my solar plexus and lumping in my throat. I may get to a place where I can know that what happened was wrong and sad, but it doesnt hurt any more. I want to feel better for me, but bringing them into it goes against my gut and I wonder if there's something that I'm missing?

On a positive note (after all that!) I have been feeling well, with life's ups and downs for a long time (with the help of Moodscope!) and remaining there prevents me from digging around in the past too much. If I do ever feel the need again I would seek help for sure.
A bit like Cristine's blog yesterday though, I'm coping, pretty well, I'm not Inclined to risk having my present wellbeing stripped away to deal with what was, or perhaps I've learned to live with it?

Thanks again Mary, well wishes and harmony to all LPxx

Jul Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 10:04am

Hi LP. I am in a rush now so hoping to come back to this later but your words and I quote (!) "The word forgiveness to me implies some sort of positivity on my part towards them, when I really want there to be nothing at all.." says it all for me. Speak soon. Jul xx

Mary Wednesday Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 4:10pm

To Jul and LP, I think I know what you are both saying, but forgiving someone does not imply any warmth towards them at all. There does not have to be any ongoing relationship with that person. In fact, one of the important parts of forgiveness is establishing boundaries so that person cannot hurt you again. In many cases, that is walking away from them and having no contact with them at all. The important thing is that you acknowledge the pain they caused you, and let it go. There are some ideas about this on the counselling website But ultimately, it is up to the individual. Each of us must walk our own path. But - just remember, a life well lived is the best revenge. (And wait for Karma - she can be a right bitch sometimes!)

Dragonfly Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 4:30pm

My daughter once jokingly said that if she feels a grudge slipping away, she grabs hold of it and drags it back! We were discussing how similar we are in being soft-hearted and easily hurt. I find it difficult to let go of things and am currently struggling with a situation that I know I should move on from. Well, I have moved away, but there are the residual feelings to contend with. There are so many facets to this forgive/forget discussion. Mary, you have stepped in and offered more sage advice - I'm in a similar camp to Jul and LP. I don't wish ill for this person, but I feel resentful that they've to all intents and purposes got on in life, despite their quite shameful behaviour. I didn't want to move away from the relationship, I just wanted it to be what I hoped and was led to believe it would be, rather than a very manipulative and controlling encounter. I persevered because I thought I was at fault for being unable to conform, but we can never change anyone else's actions, only our own. I realise that letting go and finding peace is the healthiest thing, but I feel stuck and that I can't get on in life, no matter how hard I try.

LP Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 3:41am

Can't sleep! Not because of the grudge ( or at least I don't think so, been fretting about daughters A'levels!thanks for your reply Jul, glad you could identify with what I said. I'm going to favourite this blog so I can return to it until I get somewhere with it! LP xx

LP Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 3:59am

Hi Mary, I definitely will check out that link, I think it will help a lot. Yes, with other situations recently I've been getting some comfort from the thought of " leaving the universe to deal with that one!" And letting it go! I love the way you put it about karma! In the situation I've referred to it's not even about karma, that has come around for them big time, but I don't even want to feel satisfaction, justice, or anything to do with them except indifference! Your comment did make me smile though! Re reading your reply is seeping through to me. Creating that barrier so they cannot hurt me again, acknowledging the pain and moving on while they are still in my life is challenging. Part of me wants to go in the opposite direction get as far away as possible, but perhaps I won't be able to ube free until I take those six steps to protect myself. Thank you so much Mary. LP xxx

LP Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 4:14am

Hi Dragonfly, Feeling stuck is a horrible feeling. Maybe you could shift to, it feels like that, but rather than really being stuck, I just haven't figured the way out yet. Your daughter's comment struck a chord with me and made me smile! So true! As much as I'm banging on about wanting nothing to do with that person, I'm holding on to the grudge quite tightly! Ironic and simple. If I tell myself "I want to let go of anything and everything to do with you, the grudge, the pain, the heavy burden, let it all go!" I think it will help me a lot. I'm starting to feel the he relief already! I've known that it's been partly why I have hoarded things, keeping even tiny bits and pieces of stuff...letting go of any and everything useless sounds good! :) LPxx

Hopeful One Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 11:01am

I wonder if there is a gender difference? Do they not say " Men forgive but do not forget , women forget bu do not forgive"

Leah Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 11:44am

Well what about me, I forgive those who I have forgotten and forget who I have forgotten, so does that make a neuter! SeriouslyI can forgive everyone except myself. The irony is I can see how holding on to resentment is not healthy and I have forgiven others but I keep punishing myself.

Mary Wednesday Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 7:19am

Leah, you remind me of the quote by Ingrid Bergman: "Happiness is good health and a bad memory." Very wise.

Molly Fri, Apr 28th 2017 @ 3:11pm

I like that quote !

Another Sally Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 11:30am

Hello Mary, an interesting post, raising interesting comments. Mercifully, I rarely suffer from disrupted sleep and do not consider myself to be holding deep resentment. However, I am undergoing a pretty stressful time at the moment and find that, though I seem to sleep ok, I am sleeping with my arms clenched and wake up aching. Could do with some relaxed sleep. Hints on how to achieve this will be well received. Another Sally

Hopeful One Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 2:46pm

Hi Another Sally- in one word ? Meditation Not everyone 's cup of tea I admit, but if you can do it before going to bed for about 15 min or 10 at a pinch I assure you that you will sleep like a top. The 'sleeping meditation 'in Andy Puddicombe's book ' Getsomeheadspace' is another way combining the two. It somehow seems to dampen down our 'thought velocity ' and our 'thought pressure ' which keep us awake.

Eva Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 7:55am

Hi A. Sally, I have the same issue, sleeping like a champ, but waking up with clenched muscles, I'm just starting a tiny bit of yoga before and after bed, (forward fold, a sitting twist and child's pose) and taking a dose of Kalms (during pms time which is when I experience this the most) in the evenings, going to see how that works, bedtime meditation is very good too as Hopeful one says, maybe we can compare notes in a few weeks?

The Gardener Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 12:14pm

Mary, is it only women who bear grudges? I don't think I do, but as I do the household chores I often fulminate (not too strong a word) against something or someone who has upset me. I have only disliked three women in my life - and all because they did such harm to others, particularly the children in the relationship they had usurped. Ma Ma and my sister-in-law carried the bitterness against their husbands who had chosen another to their graves. My Ma tried to get vengeance because the woman who took my P away (he was going anyway) was German, came on a work permit a few years after the war. She was a really nasty piece of work, and my Ma tried to get her sent out of the UK. I DO bear resentment at the moment - but only through the irony of Mr G being perfectly fit, but convinced, through Alzheimers, that he not only can do nothing but I am there as nothing more than a servant 24/24. It's a frustrating set up.

Mary Wednesday Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 7:17am

I feel for you so much, Gardener. You must be practising forgiveness every minute of every day. I have only empathy to offer. And, because I know we share a faith, I will remind you of the character Sarah Smith from Golders Green who appears in CS Lewis's The Great Divorce. I do not expect this comparison to elicit more than a wry smile from you now, but I very much look forward to meeting you in that bright country and seeing if my comparison is true!

Vickie Wed, Apr 26th 2017 @ 12:28pm

Hi Mary,
Your blog has stirred up emotions for me. And I very much relate to the comments regarding forgive or forget. I was very good at carrying a grudge....against others and myself. And it did make me sick. I work very hard to either forgive the person (and myself) or forget that person. It takes so much effort to unlearn "grudging" and learn forgiveness but I do feel more at peace. Thank you for sharing.

Nicco Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 1:08am

Thank you for this blog which is very timely for me. I am, at the moment, in considerable emotional pain, heartache and anger over a huge betrayal and have no idea how to get through it. I don't know how to forgive or forget as the pain gets in the way - maybe when the pain gets less I will be able to find a way to do that. I will click on the link above and see if I can learn something there. Thanks again. N.

Molly Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 3:40am

Nicco, just wanted to say i am sorry for what you are going through, I see comments all of the time that I want to respond to and then realise it is too much to respond to everyone but yours struck a chord and I cannot give any helpful advice but the usual stuff that you will get over it in time etc.... I will share something with you, I was betrayed by someone and I struggled so much, but do you know, I betrayed someone myself before that and it will live with me forever. More so than the one that betrayed me. I have forgotten about that now but it took some time. I don't expect that is helpful at all, but whoever hurt you will probably get their comeuppance, as I did. I always think, don't take it personally, as people are living their lives to the best of their ability and it is not personal to you as you might think it is at the time. There is more out there just waiting for you xx

Leah Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 6:32am

Nicco, I feel for you and echo LP's and Molly's comments. I too like Molly's last line, so true but sometimes hard to believe at times. Sending you a hug Nicco xx Molly, I found your comment so touching especially the last line. I did a lot of awful things including betrayl when I was manic and I find it so hard to forgive myself even though it has been decades.I have forgiven those who hurt me. Hugsxx

Mary Wednesday Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 7:07am

I too will echo Molly's last line. And say too that instant forgiveness is the prerogative of saints only. For the rest of us it takes time. Lots of time; so don't try to rush it. I felt utterly betrayed by my first husband and I think it took 4 years to forgive him and twenty before we could be friends again. And, we could only be friends again because we each recognised that the other is a truly good person who was doing the best they could in a difficult situation. The dissolution of my first marriage was incredibly painful, but without it I could not have moved on, married my darling rock of my second husband and had my two daughters, who are an increasing delight in my life.I am sending healing thoughts to you. I know your situation will not be the same as mine, but pain is pain, however inflicted. Big gentle hugs to you.

Molly Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 11:13pm

Thank you Leah and Mary. Leah, we sound like we have a lot in common. I like that. Mary, I am envious that you managed to stay friends. Unfortunately the man that I saw as like a brother really, probably the closest person ever to me, decided to stop all contact, he has a much better life than me now, and I am pleased for him. But I cannot put it to bed. His very last words to me were that I'd been unfaithful. This was years after we even split up when he said that. Still haunts me to the day and I'm not sure how to cope with if xx

LP Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 4:21am

Ditto Molly's comment Nicco. I feel for you too. You're absolutely right, you're in the emotional midst of it and it still feels raw. The idea of time passing doesn't bring much comfort, at the moment but it will. I used to think about it in weeks. Have I been through the worst of it? Perhaps the week to come will feel a tiny bit better than the last one has. Molly's last sentence is a beautiful thing to accept. LPxx

Eva Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 8:04am

What a great blog and outpouring, I am going to have to think and digest, I'm much more able to forgive mistakes now that I understand people are not perfect, and interpretation is so different sometimes than the intended communication it's staggering, with that premis it's easy to get why people upset each other. Of course this doesn't include people being malicious and that I do find hard to forgive.

Actually my OH and I were chatting about my parents neglect of my brother and I and whether because it wasn't malicious meant that it was more forgivable? I haven't managed to find my way through that yet.

I'll check out the links, thank you so much Mary

Orangeblossom Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 9:32am

Thanks for the brilliant blog Mary. I really appreciated being reminded of the benefits of forgiving those who hurt, offend, deeply wound us in some way.

Molly Thu, Apr 27th 2017 @ 11:19pm

What about people we hurt then. I have enjoyed reading the posts but what about when we have hurt other people. Do we get forgiven? Will they ever know that we need to be forgiven ? Do they even care ?

Leah Fri, Apr 28th 2017 @ 6:02am

Molly I wonder the same thing especially as for me some people I hurt the most are dead. Maybe I can't forgive myself till I have been forgiven. If you want to work on a blog together as I was thinking of doing one about self forgiveness but I think that maybe I need to know I have been forgiven first. Just a thought. You can contact me through Caroline. xx

Molly Fri, Apr 28th 2017 @ 3:04pm

Hi Leah, I would be interested in doing a blog together, but how would that work? Write a piece each and merge it together? Would Caroline be happy to be a go between? I'm happy for her to give you my email address if that is allowed, maybe that would be easier? Thanks for the idea ! Sorry about the fact you cannot forgive yourself, I battle almost daily with this emotion. I am far too hard on myself and it sounds like you are too. It is a comfort to find someone who feels the same xx

Nicco Sat, Apr 29th 2017 @ 4:17pm

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and comments - I very much appreciate your support. I have been reading a book called 'Being Intimate - a Guide to Successful Relationships' by John Amodeo & Kris Wentworth, which I am finding very helpful. There is a chapter on forgiveness which is very interesting and actually covers some of the things in the comments made above in this blog. They also explain the use of 'Focusing' for dealing with difficult feelings, which I am finding very helpful as I swing from sadness to anger and back again. I know time can be a great healer and am hoping that as each day passes things will get easier, but it seems atm that each time I have a better day, something happens or I find yet something else that was kept from me, so the next day isn't so good. We are still together so far, after a couple of short breaks away from each other, and are trying to talk things through, and I'm trying to understand why it all happened but for the moment it is still quite raw, esp as it was our 35th wedding anniversary a few days ago and the anniversary of when we met 40yrs ago. For the moment I am taking each day as it comes. And thank you again for your kind support. x

Molly Sun, Apr 30th 2017 @ 10:54pm

Hi Nicco , not sure if you will see this response but 40 years !! Amazing and worth working at. Could it be like a mid age crisis ? I suppose after so long together you do take eachother for granted a little. I've only been married for eight years but already find it a bit suffocating at times. Good to hear you are both working on things. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted. Love Molly xx

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Posts and comments on the Moodscope blog are the personal views of Moodscope members, they are for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice. Moodscope makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this blog or found by following any of the links.

Moodscope will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.

We exist to help people to positively manage their moods. You can contribute by taking the test, sharing your experience on the blog or contributing funds so we can keep it free for all who need it.

Moodscope® is © Moodscope Ltd 2018. Developed from scales which are © 1988 American Psychological Association. Cannot be reproduced without express written permission of APA.