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December


Notes to a Nearly Depressed Me. Tuesday December 1, 2015

(from a still existing glimmer of a happy me).

I've been noticing the signs. Then this morning you had a little crash. Shed a few tears. I've been trying my best to hold you up and keep you smiling. Right now we both know that this might just be a bump in the road. It might come to nothing. On the other hand I'm aware of my limitations. I know that no matter how hard I try I may not be able to stop you falling further. So, just in case you do, promise me you'll read this when you're down there. When I'm too far away to help.

Remember in the Spring, when you emerged from your last low? How you looked back on all your thoughts and ideas through clear eyes and saw how distorted they were when clouded by depression? Yet while you were having those thoughts you were almost righteous in your certainty that they were all categorical fact.

You were sure that if you tried to articulate those "facts" to anyone, they wouldn't understand. They are conditioned to think that there is always hope, that things will change, not realising that this really is the end of the road for you. They just wont see it. Or, they'll simply tell you that you're better than you really are because they're scared and they don't know what else to say. You generally know it would be a really bad idea to share what's in your head. So you keep quite. You plan your exit.

That's probably where you are right now, isn't it?

So here I am to tell you something real. This is you speaking to you. Try to believe me when I say that the way you are seeing your life and the world right now may not be as balanced as it could be. You might not see it now, but there is always another way to view these things. Remember that moment in the Spring when you walked down the stone steps in Nice and you thought, "I was so wrong! My life is wonderful! So is the world!".

Life isn't always wonderful. We both know that. But remember that it always changes. I want you to reach out and talk to someone you trust. Please be brave and share what you are thinking right now to see if they can shed any light on it, or help you in some way. It only needs to be one special person.

In the meantime just hang on in there. Do small, kind things for yourself. Eat. Wash. Write. Walk. Light candles. Drink tea instead of wine.

No matter how bad things look right now, you need to believe that this will change. I don't know how long I'll be away for but please wait for me. I'll be coming back for you. I promise.

Anna
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.


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Comments

Debs Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 7:27am

Oh Anna, this is so so beautiful. You are an incredible writer. I really needed this this morning as I hang on by my fingernails. I always say I am going to take a picture of 'happy me' when I'm in a good place so that I can look back on it and know this isn't forever but somehow when I'm well I'm just too busy getting on with life. You letter is a great idea - I am going to do the same the next time I am in a good place. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, you've given me a glimmer this morning and sometimes that all that's needed. Huge love, Debs xxx

danielle Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:10am

morning Debs, I am sorry you are not in the best place right now, as said to Anna below, remember that this will pass and in the mean time I am waiting with welcome home banners, cake, balloons and lots of fun times ahead for the welcome home of 'glimmer of happy debs' xxxxx

Debs Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:14am

Danielle you are such a ray of light ;-) Thank you so much for being there, I can feel the love xxx

danielle Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:06pm

SO much love here for you Debs :) xxxx

Milliecat Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 7:42am

Repeat above comment - spot on Anna - thank you for writing this and capturing that space so well. I hope you will remember we are all here too - Ixx

Susan Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:07am

In hell. Cried on reading this. I've been here so many times in the past and it always manages to terrorise me - I lose myself - I'm here but I'm gone - it's so frightening.

Debs Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:12am

Dearest Susan, I am reaching out to you across the miles with a hand to hold. Hang on and just be. There will be many brighter days so just hold tight. Sending so much love and tenderness, do something lovely for yourself today and be gentle. Xxxxxx

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:54am

Bear hugs, Susan, Bear hugs x x x

Mrs Jul A Non Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:58am

Dear Susan. What is the matter? Is it anything specific? Or a generalised feeling of awfulness, can't cope with anything and so on? Saying you are in hell is worrying but also many of us have been there and come out the other side (even if not fully) just as you will. I promise. Please write and tell us how life is for you today. But if you don't have the energy, please know that we are there for you, I am there for you. You have helped me so much in the past, you have supported me and always said the right things to make me feel encouraged. I am so very sorry you are feeling like this. Are you feeling any better as the day wears on? Love Julia xx

susan Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 10:05am

Hello Susan, we know you live in the usa. Do you have access to healthcare? I don't understand the system over there but know it can be difficult. I sympathize with the way you are feeling...it's horrid. And frightening, as you say. So sorry you feel like this again today! Hold tight. xx

Frankie Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 11:46am

Hello Susan - I have just lit a candle for you - each time I look up from my work I think of you and send you a huge virtual hug and plenty of virtual tissues - oh, and tea (I drink gallons when down ...) We are here ... Frankie x

Mrs Jul A Non Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:02pm

Hi susan. I may have replied to the wrong susan. I think I mean you when I say you have helped me such a lot. Obviously my sentiments to Susan and with capital S remain the same. Julia x

the room above the garage Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:31pm

Susan, I'm joining the group in saying that I'm here too...xx

Skyblue susan Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 1:58pm

Hi Mrs Julia:) I thought you thought it was me...but I didn't want to be presumptuous there. Thank you, your message reaches both susans. To avoid confusion, i am ready to change my name if need be. You are the sweetest person, Julia. I hope you know that about yourself. Thanks again. xx

Skyblue susan Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 2:02pm

oh dear....looks like I've done it already. xx

Mrs Jul A Non Wed, Dec 2nd 2015 @ 8:54am

You are so kind Skyblue. Love Julia xx

danielle Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:09am

this is so beautifully written Anna, I am sure it will strike a chord for most of us. I hope that you are your 'glimmer of happy me' and not 'nearly depressed me' - but if you are in a darker place please remember that we are all here for you and that this too shall pass. thinking of you and awaiting with anticipation (with balloons and welcome home signs and cake) the return of 'glimmer of happy me' xxxx

Down the well Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:26am

Thank you so much for this Anna. Just what I needed this morning as I'm in the grip of a period of anxiety and depression that has been pretty relentless and has robbed me of my self belief. A wonderful reminder of distorted thinking patterns and the fact things do improve xx

Catherine Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:49am

Hi Anna

This is beautifully written so apt and like most of us I have been there countless times . I noticed that you expect recovery in the spring and was wondering if you had tried light therapy, I have found this helpful in the winter months to keep the dog from the door.

Tania Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:03am

Anna, you could be writing that to us all. I felt the first twinges of winter self doubt this week, panic, everyone would be better off without me, incapable of daily tasks let alone the bigger ones and this is unbelievably reaffirming. and why moonscope is such a wondrous platform. THANK YOU

Hopeful One Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:07am

Anna darling- oh my word! such powerful stuff and so eloquently expressed! As the others have said try remembering the good times in any way that you can. Try telling yourself it is only a cloud and like ALL clouds it will pass.

Do you think a laugh might help( my default setting when I feel I might be heading towards a dark place)? with apologies to all blonde Moodscopers.

A blind man walks in to a bar and says up to the bartender in a hushed voice , "Want to hear a blonde joke?" The guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The guy to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler. Each one of us is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still want tell that joke?" The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:53am

Ho, Ho, Ho, HO!!

susan Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 10:15am

OH HO, this one had me rolling on the floor. tee heeeeeee. xx

danielle Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:06pm

haha! Love it HO :) xxx

Mary Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 4:30pm

(Rolls up sleeves in a purposeful way) Right. I'm a blonde Mr HO. Also a grammar Nazi (you probably guessed that, didn't you?) When referring to a man with fair hair he is a blond, not a blonde. This is one of the few words in English which has a feminine and a masculine form. Now - what was the point of that joke again? Can someone explain it to me please?? :)

Hopeful One Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 5:40pm

Phew! So glad I got in that apology. Always happy to be corrected. One could explain but I suspect you know and hoping I will take the bait .First rule of being in the dog house? Stop digging which is what I will do. No offence meant.

LillyPet Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:13am

Anna I echo the comments about what a great way to remind yourself of better times and that things always change. People here have already responded by reaching out to say how awful it feels. You have shown from experience that it can feel like that, but it's in reality just a way of seeing things. When I am low I also convince myself that people are just "being kind" when they say nice things. It is important to trust them and respect what they are saying. Like ratg said yesterday keep doing the things that you lnow are good for you. I also loved the idea of treating yourself as if you loved yourself that was mentioned yesterday. It may be hard to truly feel love for yourself when you are low, but you can treat yourself as if you did! The just do it thing. Something that you know you like. The real you knows. These feelings come from negative thoughts, they are not the real you. Susan If there is nothing threatening you other than your thoughts where you are right now, dont be scared. Thoughts arent real they can be changed! The great thing about Moodscope is that we can share the darkest of feelings and there are always others who totally get it and are there too. There are also others who are not in that place who are feeling strong and can share love sunshine and even a smile :)
Susan and Debs we are holding you! What would your brighter times letter sound like?
Love and light to all LP xxx

danielle Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:07pm

<3 LP you are so lovely xxx

Debs Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 7:04pm

Thanks Pet :-)) Lovely girl xx

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:52am

Glimmer, glimmer, little shimmer of hope peeking from behind the pillows; waving a few fingins at you...hello, Anna...! Beautiful blog, Anna.
We are here holding outstretched arms to you, every time you slip lower; every time you hit that bump in the road; when you're at the end of your tether....there's always someone here for you Anna, for Debs, Danielle, Lillypet, Hopeful One, Tania, Catherine, Down the Well, Milliecat (purr) oh, and dear Susan...come up for air from the hell you are in...nip outside as the rain has stopped and take a deep breath of fresh, December air. Then pop back in and do one more thing for yourself today...yes, just for you.
With biggest Bear hugs from a
Bearwhowantstohibernatenow.com :)
x x x

danielle Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:09pm

and for you too Bear, we are here for you too. You are always so cheery and have good advice and support for us - it is much appreciated - more than you will ever know xxx

susan Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 10:11am

Anna, this is such a beauty! You've really captured it. It made me feel such compassion for all of us today. Thank you so much. xx

Anna Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 10:23am

Wow.. What lovely, encouraging, kind comments from all of you. Thank you. To the first Susan, sending you virtual support and hugs. Hoping Moodscope can help you a little today.

As for me, I did go down but only for ten days. Now back up again and stable. And yes I do often get low in the winter, but sometimes in summer too. Light therapy is a good idea that I keep thinking of trying.

Thanks again all x

danielle Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:09pm

so glad to hear that things are a little better now Anna.lots of love xxx

Anonymous Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 11:09am

This is very very good Anna, I love it and it's helpful to me today, right now, thank you.

I too know that it helps to have "another me", one who's kinder, gentler, calm, sensible, and who can comfort me at low times and help me see that this will pass, and help me to look after myself, and help me to carry on and help me to come out of it and back into the light again. Thank you.
Anon, London

Frankie Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 11:52am

Morning Anna - what a brilliant idea - thank-you!
Frankie

Suzy Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 11:56am

LOVE this. That ever present fear of going back to black.

Frankie Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 2:27pm

Hey - great to see you Suzy - missed you! Frankie

Mary Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 4:38pm

It's lovely to see you here again. Hugs to you Suzy!

danielle Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:11pm

Reading all these comments on Annas excellent blog (and others every day) and I had a strong moment of realisation - moodscopers are some of the lovliest people i know, event though every one of you has tough (understatement of the century?!) times now and then, you are all so supportive and caring and bring happiness to me every single day. a big fat THANK YOU XXX

the room above the garage Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:27pm

:-) ditto

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:33pm

-"-

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:34pm

Oops...that's a ditto mark! Bear x

Mary Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 4:41pm

Danielle - so true. This is about the only place I can really be myself - with all my self-doubts and feelings of inadequacy and the bleak dark times. I know that you are all there for me just as I hope I am there for you when you are walking in the shadows. What a lovely community this is.

the room above the garage Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 12:26pm

Hello Anna, this is such a beautiful note to self. Really beautiful. It's personal but it's also so fitting for every one of us. This is what being kind to yourself looks like in black and white. Lovely, lovely stuff. Keep it flowing! Xx

The Gardener Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 3:55pm

My depressions luckily are only a memory - but after each 'bout' I would look back and think 'I could not have acted like that - what happened? It all seems so stupid now', and, most of all 'what on earth started it -that wasn't me'. And you say 'it's never going to happen again, I'm stronger now'. But, the cloud descends. Now it's strength I need - have a son with me - marvellously helpful - and proud of doing things for his mum he did not think he could do. Husband out or hospital tomorrow, and I shall be back to 24/24 duty - majority of the responsibility for a man weak in mind and body, and who is always frightened of something. Cajoling, persuading, calming, keeping my temper, hiding the boredom, never bemoaning what I can't have, because I have had so much. I have to find, like Anna's blog, 'another me', who will determinedly enjoy the good bits - although rare, and cling to that greatest of feelings 'I am not alone'.

Mary Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 4:43pm

I will be praying for you TG, that you find strength. So pleased you have your son with you - sons can be a great blessing. I know my Tom is. Daughters too of course, but in a different way.

Leah Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:16pm

Gardener, my thoughts will be with you. It is wonderful you have your son there. I feel your strength and determination through your words. You are definitely not alone. Hugs from across the seas.

Helen Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 4:09pm

Anna that is beautiful and comforting. On a blue day no reason just a blue day. This may not have lifted me bit it has challenged me and I shall now make a cup of eat and look outside. Thank you

Mary Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 4:45pm

Anna - I think Tania is right when she says that you could be writing for us all. One of the most frightening things about depression is that we are not capable of thinking clearly and rationally. We need to be reminded that what we are experiencing is not real. And that makes me think of another blog - so thanks for the inspiration Anna. This is a fabulous post.

Skyblue susan Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 5:01pm

"We need to be reminded that what we are experiencing is not real". And with that little sentence, Mary, you have just made an important little shift in my thinking". Thank you. xx

Whitney Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 5:13pm

Well done, Anna.

Anonymous Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 5:39pm

Beautiful. Written with such compassion and humanity..in the way and style I'm 'supposed' to speak to myself (as I would to anyone else without question). But when it comes to me.... well somehow, it is possible to bring in irrational reasoning that distorts reality. This writing is a real treasure. Thank you Anna.

Ruth Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 7:05pm

Your writing today was amazing.You were talking to me...yes,me.Been feeling 'not quite right ' for a little while now.Having strange dreams-not good,not bad but left me feeling odd.Also,feeling tired so I doze in the day.Something I don't do when I am well but hey,that's life,and I'm determined to keep going and if I'm hanging on the edge maybe the drop won't be that far down this time.If it is,I'll get up again as I always do....in the meantime I will remember to eat,exercise,sleep and drink healthy stuff.Its just a feeling that's all,nothing more nothing less.We all need to remind ourselves of that.
Keep writing and I will keep reading;you are great Anna x

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:18pm

Ruth, if you are dozing in the day, it's because your poor liddle body needs it so go with it. Your dreams are taking their toll on your precious sleep and probably exacerbating the 'downs' because you are worn out. So sleep when you can - keep eating and drinking healthily...a low may still arrive but if you're kipping on the settee when it happens, you won't have far to fall when the going gets tough! Love and Bear hugs x x x

Nicola Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:01pm

Anna, beautifully written and very helpful blog. This is such a lovely community, so good to see people rushing in to support others xx

Lexi Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:29pm

Thank you Anna. This post rang true for me. About two years ago I wasn't sure if I'd make it. It was the worst depression that I had experienced in a long time. I was certain that there was no way I could explain it for others to understand, or that anyone could help me. Everything was bleak, black, hopeless, no end in sight, no purpose, no reason to try. No one could see it but me. I was so angry and drowning at the same time. So ready to challenge anyone who thought I could "get over it". But then somehow, miraculously my MIL sent me a text one day saying Lexi why are you suffering so. this is no way to live. get help. So I numbly saw someone and got medication that miraculously started me climbing out of the hole and back into the light. Now I see that what I thought and BELIEVED was hopeless wasn't. My mind shifted. I could see things differently. I still fall, but not nearly as hard or far, and now I know it doesn't last and that there will be light one day again soon. Thank you for your post.

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:11pm

Hi Lexi....so glad you made it and are here with us..and so pleased that your MIL helped. It is a difficult thing for us to cope with, but we do, minute by minute...day by day...but the miracle is, we are still here and on good days we CAN see the wood for the trees! We may still fall - each and every one of us - but at least you have seen and most of us know, there will be light and in the meantime, there are wonderful peeps here, shining liddle torches to light the pathway onwards and upwards...and as I said yesterday...sideways too! Bear hugs x x x

LillyPet Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 8:59pm

Lexi that is SO good to hear! There comes a time when we know that it's time to get help, with other illness perhaps we don't struggle for so long? As I 've mentioned before I cant thant my GP enough for recommending Moodscope to me and adjusting the anti depressants to what is better for me. I too feel stable with ups and downs but if ever I get that I cant cope feeling that goes on for more than a few days, I'll be straight back! Not the answer for everyone, but asking for help, taking action, is a strength. Xx

Bearofliddlebrain Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:12pm

A huge strength, Lillypet, and much courage x x x

Leah Tue, Dec 1st 2015 @ 9:18pm

Anna,
a wonderful post that everyone can relate to. I have actually written to my self but in the dark times of depression I would not believe the words and felt someone else must have written them. Look forward to more posts.

Down the well Wed, Dec 2nd 2015 @ 12:12am

Ah what a wonderful community this is, as others have said above. I always read the blog in the morning on my way to work but reading it now and catching up with the days chat has added some light to the midnight hour. I hope those of you that are struggling have had as gentle a day as possible, and I send you lots of love and compassion.

The one thing that always amazes me from the writing on here is the positivity, I so admire that. I have to admit at the moment I am really struggling to be positive, and that bothers me a great deal as I feel I am not helping myself. It's like the negative thoughts are so automatic and I feel at a remove from those folks going about their lives and seeming not to be struggling. Can anyone relate to this? Leah I absolutely know what you mean about not believing the words. I think that's why I struggle with CBT, because I don't believe the alternatives I write. It's like I'm in a parallel universe cut off from rational thought, I know it's there somewhere on the other side but I can't reach it. And I'm scared because I feel the darkness is really settling in, thoughts I could identify as irrational are becoming beliefs about myself and I struggle to hold them at a remove. I worry I don't take responsibility for myself, that somehow I am wallowing in this. My counsellor suggests all these tactics, trying to talk to myself like I would a friend, seeing it as a devil and angel on my shoulders, but I can't seem to connect with this or use these suggestions in any helpful way. Sorry to add darkness to such a beautiful blog...xx

Frankie Wed, Dec 2nd 2015 @ 12:55am

Hi DTW; yes, the positivity is great - but do remember that many are expressing positivity whilst feeling the exact opposite! The fact that you are here and voicing your fears is, in itself, a hugely positive step (though it may not feel like that). One of my favourite quotes from good old "Anon" is along the lines of "Do not compare your insides with other people's outsides for you are not comparing like with like" ... My counsellor uses the phrase "It's only a thought / feeling which is passing through and which can and will change" Good luck! Frankie

Leah Wed, Dec 2nd 2015 @ 12:55am

Down the well,
I think many of us can you relate your struggling to be positive. I deal with that struggle often. People here have suggested that accepting you may have negative thoughts at times and to just acknowledge then do what you have to do.

I think you would be surprise that many of those folks who seem to be coping are struggling too.

Pleas do not lose heart and you are not wallowing you are trying to make sense of something that makes no sense.

Keep coming here as others have said this is a safe place to say how you are really feeling and that is a start.

Not every process will suite everyone. I can relate to what you say.

I suppose I know I will never be a cheery positive person even when I am ok. If writing helps keep writing.

Take care. Don't apologise for the darkness, I found your comment beautifully honest and very touching.

Down the well Wed, Dec 2nd 2015 @ 9:40am

Leah and Frankie, thank you very much for your comments and encouragement, I really appreciate it. And Frankie I know you're right about the positivity, I guess when I'm in a dark place I feel that everyone is coping better than I am, when of course that's not the case! Not that I would want them suffering of course! I have this romantic notion that at some point I will get some level of comfort with my difficult feelings and be able to accept them in some zen-like way. Maybe I'm aiming a wee bit high!! love to all, DTW xx

Nicco Thu, Dec 3rd 2015 @ 1:33am

Thank you so much for this. I just read it. You have put into words what I have not been able to. I will keep referring back to it when I need to remind myself. Had a rotten day being told by whom I thought of as a very close friend that she doesn't believe I'm ill & neighter does anyone else, then saying that I make myself ill - cause my own illness - and that I'm a burden to her and her husband. Having just emerged from a two month battle where I've not even seen her & where I've been using every ounce of strength that my M.E.-racked body and mind can muster in order to hang on and push forward/through/out, I felt moved to tears when I read it = I'm so glad there's someone out there who understands how it feels. Thank you. Nicco.

Emma Wed, Dec 9th 2015 @ 2:19pm

An incredible piece of writing, thank you! I'll keep hanging on for that welcome home party X

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