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Not Today Thank You. Friday July 28, 2017

My Mum used to play a game. Whenever myself and my children arrived for a visit, we would ring the doorbell, she would fling the door open saying 'Not today thank you,' and close the door again in our faces! Obviously she was joking! It was good fun and my children loved her sense of humour. I feel very lucky to have 'inherited' my Mum's sense of humour and now, in her darkest days whilst she battles with Alzheimer's/ Dementia, 'making Mum giggle' has become my mission. Precious moments.

I was lying in bed two days ago thinking about her saying 'Not today thank you.' So often I feel this way for real, and I'm very sure that you do as well dear Moodscoper. Whether you are curled up in bed, lying on the sofa or maybe sitting in your favourite chair - when the phone rings or the doorbell goes, how often do you want to shout 'Not today!'

That's ok isn't it? We cannot always have a sense of humour, we cannot always feel chatty, we do not always want to be available to others. I think it's nice to know that people care but we cannot always respond.

Maybe we can turn the phrase around to, 'Thank you so much, but not today.'

I love you Mum. Thank you for inspiring me to write this blog and thank you for all the giggles we have shared over the years.

Dear Moodscoper, where are you today? Are you feeling sociable or is it a 'Not today thank you' day today?

Jane SG
A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Molly Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 2:13am

Hi again Jane, I am kind of fed up of my own voice today but can relate to your blog, so just one more comment from me! Many times I feel like this, I want to ignore the door and the phone. Some people make that difficult as I find myself having to make excuses and I am not one that wants to lie yet "I didn't feel like being sociable" does not seem to be adequate and I may well sound like I am contradicting myself after my blog but sometimes when my phone rings I go into complete panic! To the extent I wish I never had a phone!

It is so hard and sad about your mum. My mum-in-law had Alzheimers and my husband found it so very difficult. He lost his mum much longer before she died. What a cruel disease. He would shout at her as he struggled to understand but she still sat there smiling (although she gave the odd evil look at him) which made me smile because she was no bother at all but wanted him to shut up (as I do sometimes too).

One day when she phoned in complete confusion, I told my husband to go and collect her and she stayed with us (in my small house). We gave our bed up for her and my husband slept on the settee and I slept on a beanbag. She was one of the nicest people I had ever met in my life. Eventually she went into a care home, but she never did stop smiling. I sat with her in the care home for hours holding her hand. It sounds strange but I wanted her to die, whilst I was there with her so I could go home and tell my husband that it was okay because I was holding her hand.

She was a fighter, and she wasn't going anywhere, although we do have a little joke now - as when she did pop off we had a call from the Filipino who was looking after her (lovely girl) in the middle of the night, and she said "she gone".

And we actually can smile at this.

Much love to you Jane, it is so very hard. Molly xx

p.s. I am wondering, like Mary, whether I should reply after midnight!

Mandy Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 9:16am

My mum also has Alzheimer's & vascular dementia, she lives in a care home & my mission is also to make her laugh, I normally try to see her when I am having a good day, if I am feeling low I will put on an act while I'm there & pretend I am ok, when she says 'she can't remember something she normally then tells me she's got s head like a sieve, I normally tell her, that's because she has a little dementia lady in her head who's decided she's got enough memories in her head & she hasn't got room for a load more, that normally makes her laugh

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:32am

Oh Molly, this moved me so much. I've had a cry. It's been a emotional rollercoaster this week as I had to drop work and travel to my parents as Mum was so ill. We thought we were going to lose her on Monday. My Dad was devastated. She is now stable. We've been told it could be up to 6 weeks. I'm now back home. Thank you Molly xxxx

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:34am

Yes Mandy my mission also is to make Mum smile. My 12 year old daughter was also with me this week. She was so brave in the hospital and kept making her Grandma laugh. Xxxx

Molly Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 4:55pm

Oh Jane, I am sorry. My comment must have been a bit close to the mark for you. I am not sure what to say as I don't want to say the wrong thing. Be strong and sending more love. It is lovely that your mum is still laughing. I think this eases the pain a little if we know that they are happy xxxx

Molly Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 5:27pm

Mandy, that is sad that your mum also has this dreadful disease but I like that you also make her laugh, I really think it helps if we can keep some humour going. Love to you as well. Molly xxxx

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 6:42pm

Not at all Molly, your responses have helped me a lot. You've been so caring. Thank you :) xxxxx

michelle Sun, Aug 6th 2017 @ 9:12am

Hi Jane Today I am going to say a special prayer for you and your family and then smile , as your a inspiration to all . Xxx completed

Jane SG Mon, Aug 7th 2017 @ 4:01am

Michelle, this is so lovely. Thank you so much xxx

Leah Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 2:41am

I am not replying after midnight but 20 mins before midday but I wonder how I can follow your wonderful moving blog Jane and Molly your touching comment.

Your blog has bought back so many memories of my mother even though she died over 16 years ago, and had dementia for the last 10 years of her life. She was aggressive and angry and mean at times, but if you could get her in a rare moment of clarity , she would say how do you put up with this old fool and we would both laugh. You have reminded me how precious those moments were.

I find it hard to say 'not today thank you' , I may saw not now but later.

Jane, my thoughts are with you, your mum and your family at this difficult time. Thanks for writing this evocative blog. xx

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:35am

Thank you so much Leah. You have been a great support to me xxxx

Leah Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 11:27am

Jane , your openness and honesty has helped many people on moodscope so they don't feel alone. Xx

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 1:05pm

Thank you xxx

Jul Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 7:49am

Dear Jane SG. My husband will say "Not today thank you" when he opens (very slightly) the door to me (If I've forgotten my keys or can't take them on my bike rides for instance. I am allowed a key lol!) and I still laugh every time. So I smiled when I read that in your blog. I am so sorry your mother has dementia. It sounds as if you have always loved her a lot so the loss her illness creates must be so devastating. I feel unsociable most days but force myself to meet people. There are many days when I don't feel chatty and I suppose when I do meet up with friends on those days I don't speak much, just listen. I always find there is someone who wants to talk. It's lovely your mother has inspired you to write your blog today. I do hope you as her daughter are not suffering too much Jane. Jul xx

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:37am

Thank you so much Jul. Humour helps me so much, I definitely inherited it from my Mum! It's nice to hear that you and your husband share this little joke. It's great that you can still feel you can go out and just listen sometimes, without feeling the need to have to be chatty. Love to you xxxx

Sally Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 8:14am

Hi Jane. My Dad did this too! Your blog was just right for today, as I have been having a less than optimal summer... your words hit home and made me smile.
You have a lot on your plate with a Mum with Alzheimers. How lovely that your mission is to make her giggle! Good luck, Jane, and thank you for a great blog.

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:38am

Dear Sally, I'm so glad this brought back a happy memory for you. I hope it continues to make you smile today. Xxxx

David Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 8:15am

I have opended my door wide to the World for over 6 weeks after having it shut tight for 6 months.
Are their any male Moodscopers commentating???

Jul Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 8:27am

Hi David. Good point and one which I often bring up about lack of male commentators. There are some but they haven't posted recently. There have been some great comments by men and a few blogs in the past. But I do wish there were more, as men often have a different but helpful perspective on life. Lex blogs every Monday and I have raised this issue with him. Do you have any suggestions about how Moodscope might attract more men? Glad you mentioned this. Jul

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:39am

Hi David, glad to hear you are able to open your door wide at the moment. Take care xx - yes would love some more male comments today please!

Leah Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 11:30am

If you have any ideas to get men to comment let us know. AS Jul says there have been some but they come ago besides Lex of course, I have been on Australian sites where there are many men commenting , maybe be overseas men are shyer!!

Molly Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 5:37pm

Do men in general 'feel' as much as women do. I think their brains are wired up differently. No offence David. Or maybe they just find it harder to open up. David have you told your wife you love her yet? Because I did think that if she is not used to you saying it, she might think you have been up to something! :-)

Sarah yellow rose Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 8:46am

Hi Jane, thank you for your heartfelt blog. Yesterday I took my 85 year old Dad to visit a much younger friend in a care home. She has dementia and was very low anxious and confused when we arrived. Instead of just sitting there I decided to act. I had recently been to a talk from dementia friends. I held her hand , talked to her cut her nails did her hair encouraged her to eat her lunch. My Dad played the piano I sang with her ( she used to be in show biz) by the time we left 3 hours later she was a different person.

Marmaladegirl Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 9:51am

What you did for your Dad's friend is so beautiful it is making me cry. I am really touched that you did these things and encouraged that relatively small things can make such a difference. With the rates of dementia growing so rapidly, we all need educating and then to put in some thought and effort like you did. MG xx

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:41am

Dear Sally yellow rose, a big cheer for you. Fantastic. This is just what is needed. My Mum definitely picked up when some of her grandchildren visited and there were more of us there interacting with her. Thank you xxxx

Sarah yellow rose Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:46am

Thank you MG for your kind comments. I also encouraged my Dad to talk to her about the past and she calmed down a lot as she could remember the 60's and 70's. It was also nice to see a lot of the other residents enjoying the piano playing too. xx

Sarah yellow rose Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:50am

Thank you Jane. Your blog was timed to perfection xx

Molly Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 5:40pm

Sarah Yellow Rose - how lovely, what a wonderful thing for you to do xx

the room above the garage Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 5:37pm

Sarah this is beautiful! Lost my last granny this year and this is exactly how she was so often. Similar to you, hand holding, rubbing in hand cream, re-visiting the past was always far safer than the present. Wonderful! On her behalf I say thank you! Xxx

Orangeblossom Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 9:01am

Hi JaneSG thanks for the blog which is positive in the midst of distress. It is not surprising that you don't like to answer the phone either with such a proliferation of nuisance calls. They do bring out the worst in me. I usually aim to be polite but they are persistent and a perishing menaces. I believe that Alzheimer's or any form of dementia is very distressing for all concerned. The only thing that I can say is try and take one day at a time, much more difficult to say than do.
Thanks for being there for us Moodscopers.

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:43am

Thank you Orangeblossom. Yes the nuisance calls are the worse, and can come at the worst times also. I will take one day at a time. I hope you have a lovely day today xxx

Wyvern Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 9:23am

Hi JaneSG: My mother, too, used to say Not today thank you, as a joke to my friends and me when we wanted to come in from playing in the garden. I had forgotten about it until you mentioned it. It seems to have been a standard reply when the travelling salesman came round and you didn;t want to buy today, but wished him to call again another day... Mama, too, now has dementia and is in a care home; I, too, find my mission is to get her to smile / laugh; she still has her sense of humour when she is having a good day. Precious moments, now.
These days I try to Seize the Day, but yes, there are still days when I prefer to say, Not today, thank you, and give myself a break from the world.

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:45am

Thank you Wyvern. You are right, they are indeed precious moments. I took lots of pics at the hospital this week, including us all making silly faces! I'm glad it brought back your memory xx

Marmaladegirl Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:01am

Dear Jane - You mentioned your lovely Mum a short(ish) time ago (when she was in hospital) so it is great to know a bit more about her. What a wonderful person! Thank you so much for writing this blog and giving us a glimpse of both your hardships and your happinesses. Keep giggling and getting your Mum to giggle too! With love, MG xx

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 10:46am

Dear Marmaladegirl, what a lovely comment. Thank you! I'm really touched that you like hearing about my lovely Mum. I will keep the giggles going. Thank you xxxx

the room above the garage Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 11:05am

Hello Jane, what a beautiful blog. It's a real tool and strength when you can break through the dementia and paste up the very real woman over the top of it. I adore that your daughter is in there and dealing with the situation so very well. I believe the grief we feel is directly affected by how those last weeks are dealt with. You will garner huge strength from remembering how this time played out. And your daughter will learn how to let go in a beautiful way. I hold you close in my thoughts today and I will continue to do so. On the subject of your blog...I remember really bad days when the doorbell would cause me a deep chill. I'd hide from the door and my children would come too...I worried over what'd they'd learn and think but I was always able to say "it's just the lovely postman but I don't have time to chat today so I'm just going to let him post the things through"...even though I was dying inside. Your mum is merely travelling on to the other side of another door. If I knew you I'd give you one of those proper hugs. I'm sending it. Love ratg x.

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 12:29pm

Dear ratg, your lovely response made me cry, in a good way. I seem to be very emotional today. Thank you so much. I understand hiding from the door with the children, I did that a lot when they were younger! Xxx

the room above the garage Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 5:27pm

Re hiding I'm so glad I'm not as weird as I worried about! :-D. Crying is great, very healing. i never understood "oh don't cry" as a kid and when my kids cry I always hug and say "great, have a big cry and get it all out". All tears are good xx.

Jane SG Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 6:11pm

Thanks ratg. Yes I agree :) xxx

the room above the garage Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 11:06am

David I often wonder if us females talk so much the men don't feel they can break in. Or is it just that we find it easier sharing our troubles?

LH Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 11:26am

Hi ratg, I thought you were a man until one comment were you made it clear you were a woman!! I thought Lex was a man in his 70's until I saw him on youtube! I have an image of many of the regular commenters which would probably be wrong so wether someone is male or female is of no real interest -it's the comments that matter. I also think the use of aliases mean that anyone could be anyone-without the need to conform to gender stereotypes. LH x

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 12:31pm

Hi LH, yes I thought Lex was in his 79s until I saw the video, sorry Lex! You make a very good point. I hope also that Moodscope does reach out to all, male, female, transgender etc.... love to you all xx

Sarah yellow rose Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 1:08pm

You made me smile! I thought Lex was in his 30's. I thought Molly was in her 20's. I think RATG is a young at heart Mum. Everyone seems caring on Moodscope

Molly Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 5:48pm

I also used to think that RATG was a man - I wonder if it is because 'garage' is in the name! Sarah yellow rose - I am not sure if that is a compliment or not ! Am I immature or should I be thankful that you have taken 20 years off my age ! Lol :-) xx

Sarah yellow rose Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 6:08pm

It was meant as a compliment :-) xx

the room above the garage Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 5:29pm

I love that you lot thought I was a man! I always tried to write in a neutral way to keep myself completely unrecognisable (because I'm scared on my own shadow!) so it looks like I did well! :-D

the room above the garage Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 5:34pm

44 and female, attractive wrists, polar bear legs (white, lumpy and sometimes hairy). Which is great if you are a polar bear.

Jane SG Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 6:12pm

This made me chuckle! :) Hooray for polar bears! Xx

Molly Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 6:27pm

Attractive wrists ! :-) Can I join the polar bear club ? xx

Jane SG Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 9:33pm

Why yes! Does that make us the three founder members..?! Xx

Molly Sat, Jul 29th 2017 @ 11:01pm

Yes I think Moodscope need to watch out for the competition :-) xx

ED Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 11:56am

Lovely blog Jane. Thank you

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 12:26pm

Thank you so much ED. And I'm assuming you are a man? Cool! X

The librarian Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 12:25pm

Good one, Jane. I'm feeling a bit 'not this year or even possibly the next' at the moment, not just 'not today, thank you'.

I really like your alternative, word-shifted version and might try it.

All the best.

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 12:27pm

Thank you Librarian. Good luck with trying the alternative, I hope it works for you xx

Molly Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 5:50pm

Not this year or even possibly the next ! Love it. Molly xx

Lexi Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 2:05pm

What beautiful comments today. All I read are words of loving kindness and compassion. All of you have reminded me today of the preciousness of life and to not take for granted time with loved ones. Thank you. And today I woke up knowing this would be a day that I want to hide away. I think I will borrow the "Not today, thank you!" for myself :) xo Lexi

Jane SG Fri, Jul 28th 2017 @ 3:59pm

Dear Lexi, I hope you are having a nice quiet day using the 'not today thank you' :) xx

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