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No self-pity and no shame. Thursday June 1, 2017

Today I noticed something new in me.

I was with the community at the stables where my mare lives. She has had an operation and has to live in a stable for 3 weeks. I take her out to graze morning and evening. I do not know what made me feel sad – maybe it was a certain abruptness of others asking me not to bring her out while they brought the stallion in – or maybe it is that when I took her out her behaviour was so wild that I had to bring her back in. (Her wild behaviour was the reason for the operation as she had ovaries with a tumour which causes extra testosterone and stallion like behaviour in a mare.)

Anyway I grew sad and quiet and did nothing about it but felt it.

Everyone was there and invited me for a cup of tea – which I accepted saying "I am in a grumpy mood". My presence added little – I was quiet – however I appreciated the conversation and the laughter and was able to laugh myself at the funny stories told so well. I felt others' kindness here an there asking gently if I was ok but not probing.

I did not ask for anything – I did not pull on anyone for commiseration or pity. I did not try to fake happiness nor feel uncomfortable that I contributed little. I was present to what was going on. I felt close to everyone and enjoyed their company.

Later I went to the shops and bought a few things and I was myself and I made an effort to engage with everyone I met - except for the Big Issue seller who I walked around the other side of the potted plant stand to avoid! I made a decision not to feel ashamed of myself about this.

I realised that I was not indulging in self-pity nor in shame – or at least only to a very minor extent. I was not asking "why do I feel like this?", not saying "I am wrong to feel like this". At the shop where I bought some organic salmon, I spent time with the assistant choosing a piece which was cheaper and I had no shame about that either.

Progress rather than perfection. I am happy with my progress. I wonder if you relate to this and what your relationship is with your own self-talk?

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Orangeblossom Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 8:00am

Thanks for your blog Melanie. Hope your mare soon recovers her emotional equilibrium & the operation & healing process kick starts. I have loads of self talk usually about not being really accepted, just tolerated. Sometimes when I am feeling at my most vulnerable, I have real problems disregarding the self-talk or offering counter arguments. Then I want to hide in hobbit hole.

Jul Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 8:25am

Melanie. I love your blog! Your description of how you felt when you took your mare out to the field and you sensed some ill feeling but couldn't pinpoint it and then when you were sitting with the others having coffee and you were quiet. This for me is almost an everyday occurrence. Worrying I may have upset someone but not really knowing if I have and then being in a social group and not being the life and soul but finding others jokes sometimes funny. It's as if we are unable to behave naturally and constantly analysing our behaviour. Your day is very much like mine can be. I really like your writing; it says a lot to me. Thank you. Julx

The Gardener Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 8:36am

Dear Jul - I am the opposite - steal the conversation - tell too many stories - now I sit back (a bit) and positively enjoy the stories and experiences of my many visitors . Total strangers last night - a fantastic 26 year old girl among them. Also, Jul, you don't HAVE to sing for your supper - the life and soulers can be jolly unpopular but are too thick-skinned to realise it! The Gardener

Jul Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 8:47am

Ha ha yes you are right. I am glad you enjoyed yourself yesterday evening. Are you sitting outside as you write this? Away from demands or is Mr G with carers right now? I hope you have good day. I also hope you are trying to figure out how you can arrange long term care for your husband. He seems to recognise everyone doesn't he? So not too far advanced with dementia? or am I talking nonsense? Go well and enjoy the sunshine and the kindness of others... I'm talking about your good friends in the village where you live. Julxx

the room above the garage Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 9:57am

TG you've hit the nail on the head and I agree...'the life and soulers' being unaware of it. And something I'm trying to show my youngest daughter at this point in time. Sending good wishes for your day with Mr TG and some internal peace for him too xx.

The Gardener Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 8:32am

My self talk is like a 'pep talk' before something like a football match. Panic set in - another bank holiday chez nous - three days with no respite. Having been 'in the pits' with lots of others yesterday I am saying: lunch out Saturday, mass Sunday;, beg somebody to come to lunch Monday - use my two gardens, if Mr G insists on sulking/skulking in his armchair, he'll have to get on with, I will ignore the nagging, swearing and self-pity and get on with life without feeling guilty. Somebody yesterday - all SO kind, said was there anything practical could be done from Moodscope? Not really, but I've always liked betting on horses, so what odds would you give that I can achieve my target? Personally, don't think I've got a hope in hell, but I'll have a darned good try. Melanie, horses. In my livery yard I had a spectacular black gelding who tried to kill is owner. I rode the horse, and as things got more and more dangerous I had to give him up, and also riding. It turned out he'd been badly treated by men - and, after the horse had to be put down it was discovered he had a brain tumour. As soon as I got on his back he tried to get rid of me. You can imaging the horror of anybody about (especially my family) as they watched a virtual rodeo. Glorious First of June - have a good day!

Sal Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 8:50am

Thanks Melanie. Yes, I relate to it too. I am often quiet these days in company - a relief compared to the days when I felt driven to 'perform', and to 'be someone'. It is so much less stressful to just be how and who I am, and it seems to be welcomed more than my performer too. (I agree with the Gardener there). Thanks for your helpful blog.

Sally Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 9:22am

Yes, it chimes with me all this, Melanie . I like your "Progress rather than perfection".

The Gardener Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 9:23am

Thought I had the 'forum' to myself. Chores provoke thought. Yesterday's tremendous response to a 'challenging' blog made me thing Moodscope should hi-jack the football anthem 'You'll never walk alone'. And for Lex and publicity/reaching out - I thought of agarophobics - can have a terrific friendship here, ditto wheelchair bound - may be some already. OK, going to build a stone wall and shut up.

LP Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 9:09pm

Hi TG I replied to your post yesterday today. LPXx

Angela Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 9:33am

I feel similar Melanie, i can only cope with 'small chunks' of life at a time. Sometimes it's good & helpful to be quiet, the world is an extremely ' relentlessly' noisy place which is so hard to cope with at times x

the room above the garage Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 9:53am

Hello Melanie, really enjoyed this today...what do you think has changed to give you that little space to see life slightly differently? It's big progress and one from which you don't return :-) Now you are aware I think you'll always be! My self talk is that I now actually listen to what I say to my kids instead of just saying it...and I apply it liberally to myself!! Self parenting has helped me progress :-) Thank you for this today, love ratg x.

Rose Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 12:06pm

MelaniE, what a great blog! Thank you so much xxx

Melanie Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 5:53pm

Dear All, thank you so much for your lovely thoughtful commments. So with me it is definitely progress not perfection however as the RATG says once the space is there it is there - learning to love myself as I am and give myself room to be suffering at times, rather than my old way to always resist and always fight the feelings. How did this space come - could I call it work? It is what I am drawn to do - studying to be a coach with Katherine Woodward Thomas, reading Teal Swan's book The Completion Process and doing the process with myself are the two things that come to mind right now. Thank you again. Yes Glorious June 1st. LOL PS Indi my mare doing great, much calmer - will be out in the field from next Monday night.

LP Thu, Jun 1st 2017 @ 9:07pm

That's good to hear Melanie!
Yes, I could identify with feeling moody about similar things. I've been harder on myself when I don't feel entitled to feel how I feel. It's the convincing myself that I have a right to feel like it that can spiral.
You're right. These days I care less than I did. Trust my gut feelings a bit better. Tell it like it is a bit more. Don't bother to excuse or explain myself as much. Hold back a bit from over apologising. Thanking people once not 3 times when driving, for letting me in front of them!
I'm not yet where I want to be, I had a go at parent last week. Tried to say it maturely. Message not received, habits of a lifetime. Roles reversed and wham! Awkward!
Still, it wasn't at work!
Self pity? no. Shame? a bit. Guilt? Yes, they're trying to manage with ill health and I was referring to things long forgotten except by me. BUT not guilty about having said it. Needed to be said. I tried my best. That's it.
Thank you for a reassuring blog.
LP xx

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