Moodscope's blog



N.E.D. Saturday August 26, 2017

I am a teacher. I still see myself as such even though I haven't been in a classroom since 2009. I became too ill to work and although I have managed to return to employment, so far it has been as a cleaner or shop assistant although I have recently gone up in the world by getting an admin job.

When I was working as a teacher I had a picture of NED and what he stood for in my classroom. Not my own idea but adopted from something my children had been told at Primary School:

Never give up
Encourage others
Do your best


I found it really inspirational that Primary school children were being encouraged to think like this. The degree to which mental health issues exist in our young people is becoming clearer and more disturbing every day. Anything we can do to make them aware, to teach them to help themselves and that encourages them to help others, will help develop their resilience. It is never too early to start building resilience that they can use for the rest of their lives. My first born started showing signs of depression at 8 years old and children, as you probably know, can be depressed a lot younger than that.

I am a Secondary school teacher - so I took NED and any other ideas I had to the teenagers there. They seized upon whatever I could offer them, however simple my offerings were, like a drowning person clutching at straws. I only wish I could have offered them an entire programme of life skills, but I was there to teach English so I had neither the training nor the remit to do so (Mr Gove was insisting on Shakespeare and syntax instead).

Only the other day I found myself encouraging my two daughters with those simple statements (still, after all these years!) And it made me think that maybe the Moodscope community would find encouragement from them too:

Never give up
Encourage others
Do your best

I don't know about you but I need it short, pithy, simple but also powerful when I am struggling (Keep It Simple Stupid! KISS - another mnemonic I use). So if you are struggling, write down NED. Tell yourself what each letter stands for and try to follow those instructions. I hope it helps a bit.

Lots of love,

A Moodscope member

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Carol Anne Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 6:45am

Love this Marmaladegirl. Thanks so much for sharing. NEF and KISS both new to me and will now be tools to help on those days where I need to give that extra push.

I'll also be sharing with my friends and family too. The ripple effect of you helping others extends beyond moodscope. Have a great day. X

PS just had some lovely Cypriot orange marmalade on my breakfast croissant (which I savoured).....then opened my email to find this. What's the chances!!!!

Carol Anne Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 6:46am

NED (obv) *predictive text fail*

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:17am

Thanks Carol Anne. Having my blog published is timely for me too as for the last few weeks all the advice I receive from Moodscope and all the advice I give myself has gone out the window. I am in pieces. Organising my mind to write these sentences to you feels beyond me... Today I will try to follow just the first bit of advice, any more would be too much. I will just focus on the N. MG

Lacey Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:19am

You CAN do this but I know what you mean The day your blog gets printed you are thinking but how can I follow my own words?? ;-( Starting with N is the best idea...the rest will follow and before you know MG you will be doing D Tale care Lacey xx

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:39am

Dear Lacey - Thank you so much for your encouragement. Actually, I just realised I am already doing D! "Doing my best" consists of very little just now - but that's fine. I need to do what will make me well again. Doing the absolute minimum in order to recuperate is not as easy as it looks! Thanks for your messages L. xx

Oli Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 8:22am

Thanks for NED. I especially like the specificity of "Encourage others."
I get a lot of mileage from simple statements of basic wisdom.
They are useful when things are not going so well.
That's when simple wisdom can guide to the next "right thing to do."

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:19am

Thank you for your comment Oli. I also get a lot from simple statements. Anything long or complicated and my mind can't cope! MG

S Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 5:11am

NED sounds so good. So many people have gotten so far in life and haven't learned it in any way. Why junior doctors I know sometimes loiter around psychiatric wards to giggle at impatients in secure rooms. It's not encouraging, or helping others. NED makes you happiest too - when nursing I was all about tenacity, respect, and all within my power and the effect it had on my self-worth was staggering to not only use that effort in your life, but selflessly on another. I think this is great, cause if kids are learning to be nicer younger, I'm all for it! They can stop throwing stones at my pregnant dog and all sorts on my lawn then! :P

Another Sally Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 8:29am

That is one for keeping. The NED mnemonic is brilliant, so simple, I wish I had heard it before.
I think I do live by this way, but it helps to have the NED reminder. Never give up. Encourage others. Do your best. Simple but worthwhile. Thank you.

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:24am

Hi Sally - I agree, short and simple is the most useful. I have observed my fellow Moodscopers doing "N.E.D." so often but as you say, it helps to have a reminder. Big hugs, MG x

Lacey Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:21am

I'm posting notes all over the house with your mantra on them which I think is just utterly brilliant given how you are feelin
Its a sunny hot day already
Never Give Up!!!
Love Lacey <3

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:34am

Hi Lacey - Luckily I wrote the blog a while ago. You will find, if you send something in to Caroline as a potential daily blog, that she sends it out when the time is right, so there is a good variety of themes, advice and sentiments. I couldn't write it today - but it is definitely good to read it. I put post-its up too - but then I put so many that they are everywhere and it makes me laugh out loud cos I get a picture in my mind of every single surface covered in yellow post-its. Has that happened in a film? The image is very clear in my mind but I can't place it. I know that I won't be able to go out today, but that's ok, I'm still in the hunker-down in my "nest" phase (also got what seems to be chest and throat infection - can't breath or swallow. See how sorry for myself I feel!) but I am glad it's a sunny day. I hope all is well with you Lacey. Have a good day! MG

Orangeblossom Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 10:00am

Thanks for the blog Marmaladgirl & the very helpful acronym. Generally I don't like acronyms but as you have defined it, it is helpful & pithy. As a teenager I suffered with depression and anxiety, but this wasn't defined as such. I believe that I was too much for my Mother. We have never brought out the best in one another.

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 10:15am

Acronyms, aphorisms, affirmations - they are taking over my life Orangeblossom! My mind is full of them. Do I like them? Not sure! It's strange to look back and with what we know now be able to understand so much better what was going on in our teenage years... Mothers and daughters - every relationship is different and I can't think of any that are really like what they are "supposed" to be (whatever that is!) Whatever your teenage years and your relationship with your Mother were like, you seem to be a very wise and kind person now OB.

Nicco Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 10:05am

MG - Thanks so much for your blog. I have memory problems so I definitely need KISS, and NED for me fits the bill. Nests are good to hunker down in when you need them - I pray that you will soon feel well enough to venture out of it, both emotionally and physically. Take care of your chest (vicks vapour rub is good) and your throat (medicated sweets & throat spray are both good). I rarely get them but when I do I hate them as they cab make you feel so rotten, esp on top of emotional torment. I have found those remedies help, but see your doc if it doesn't clear up. (Sorry, not preaching, just hoping to help a little!) x Nicco x

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 10:23am

Hi Nicco - How are you today? Thank you so much for your response. My memory varies - very bad just now! I will follow your practical advice (if I can get hold of Vicks, medicated sweets and maybe even throat spray). I will have to go to work on Tuesday (thank goodness for Bank Hols) but I'm sure that looking after myself between now and then will make a difference. I hear what you say about doctors; I have an aversion to them but that is a whole different story. YOU have helped me much more than they would! Hope all is as well as can be expected with you Nicco. MG x

Nicco Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 2:16pm

Hi MG - I used to dread going to doctors until I at last found a good one. They really helped with the huge infected insect bite I had on my foot a while ago for which I needed 2wks worth of antibiotics. They saw me really quickly & prescribed the right thing - but that was for a physical symptom. Helping with moods and emotions is much more tricky. I'm ok today - it was my father's 92nd birthday yesterday so he's staying for the w/e. I'm having some time on the pc today - it keeps my mind on other things rather than on worries. Do hope you start to feel better soon. x Nicco x

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 2:31pm

Hi Nicco - Are you still on the PC? My laptop is also quite a good distraction today, although it seems to emit a strange light that exacerbates the dizziness and brain fog I have (they are ME symptoms). I have turned down brightness. That's an impressive age for your father! I'm sure he is enjoying having a weekend with you. All the best, MG x

Nicco Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 8:27pm

Hi MG - I've been doing auction site listings of bits & pieces of 12th scale items I make for dolls houses today while my father's been out at a museum. I have ME & Fibromyalgia so can empathise a bit. There is a screen filter which you can get which fits over the screen to filter out brightness. I also have special screen specs to my own prescription which help. I'm fixed to a desk top though - a lap top would be useful as I could use it anywhere in the house. I used to go to an M.E. self-help group which was handy for sharing coping strategies - I find out things which help by talking to others who have similar conditions & symptoms and it's a two-way thing as I can help others in the same way. Hope you have a good night. x

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:25pm

I love dolls houses! My mother was given a pre-war one just after the war which my sisters and i played with. My two daughters loved it too... I used to like to tidy it up because I couldn't keep my actual house in order but at least I could keep one tiny house sorted! Unfortunately my over-generous mother has now given it to her neighbour's child. I hope the ME & Fibromyalgia you have is not too life-limiting. Have you had it a long time? Wearing sunglasses helps me with screens (and the lights in supermarkets which can have the same effect. I'm the strange woman going round indoors with shades on!) I used to go to a local ME support group but they just moaned a lot and had no positive suggestions, so I stopped going. MG x

Nicco Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 10:24pm

Hi MG - I've had M.E. since age 14 - over 40yrs, but of course no one knew what it was back then so I was diagnosed with depression. I wouldn't worry too much about having to wear sun specs indoors if they help - my sister in law has to wear them indoors too. My specs change colour but I have clip-ons too as they're sometimes not strong enough & don't stay dark indoors. I stay out of the sun as much as poss but therefore have to take vitD. I also carry ear plugs with me as can't stand loud noises in places like the cinema or shopping malls. I know what you mean about the moaning at the meetings - I like to try & find ways of coping so that I can still do things rather than just sit around moaning! Re the dolls houses - I think I tend to do my houses in a way that I'd like my own house but can't afford! It's a shame your house was given away, but it's never too late to start again!

Jul Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 10:36am

Hello Marmalade Girl. So lovely to see your name and read your brilliant comments (despite not feeling good today). I love "Never Give Up" I saw a wristband with that written on it recently. N.E.D is a great thing to remember. But never give up is the best or should I say that relates so much to my life. Despite going through some pretty harrowing stuff, I have never given up. Like you, something has driven me forward. I've picked myself up dusted myself down and started all over again. Lots of Love to you. Jul xx I keep singing that song now.. Never give up on the good times.. by? Not sure. Bros maybe? I'll check!

Jul Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 10:37am

Ooops. It's the Spice Girls xxx

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 11:05am

Hi Julia - Good to hear from you too (Caroline mentioned you had been asking after me. Thank you for noticing I haven't been around - I've been on a slippery slope for what feels like weeks now. Not sure how long it is really as my sense of time is shot. When one feels bad it feels like it has been forever, don't you think?!) It has come as a surprise to me that I have always determinedly kept on going, despite, as you say, "some pretty harrowing stuff". I didn't know I had it in me. I don't know where it comes from, but I am very grateful that I have it. "Never give up on a good thing - remember what makes you happy" - is that the song you are thinking of? I googled it and it says George Benson. Oh yes, "Never give up on the good times", Spice Girls... Music is such a good mood lifter - doesn't matter who did it (I used to describe my ex as a "music fascist" he was so brutal in mocking me if I enjoyed a good song that he thought wasn't cool. Worse than a "music snob"!) Anyway, great to hear from you and i am thinking of you too! MG xx

S Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 5:29am

Ahah Music Fascist - I'm pretty sure I've been called that myself. I think some people who learned the classical method before they learned to enjoy popular music come across badly cause we are used to a range of styles over centuries rather than decades, so modern music often sounds quite monotonous if you get my meaning? We look for things that aren't necessary for a good song, but we know from masterpieces. An ex of mine hated my classical musicianship and complained when I practiced, so I called him a classical fascist and uncultured and we left that stalemate there for one of many. On the note of a fascist, I just finished writing an indie-pop song about friendships even, so even us nazis can sink that low from time to time! (It has a catchy tune!)

Salt Water Mum Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 11:37am

I Love N.E.D. Marmalade girl, thanks so much. Hope you enjoyed your marmalede breakfast Carol Anne ! I'm a marmite girl myself !
And I love the Spice Girls - I have no time for music mockery - from Cyndi Lauper to Leonard Cohen, from Spice Girls to David Bowie, it's all bloomin brilliant and all helps with our moods, to energise or calm us... I'd be lost without music. And water to swim in. Oh - and chocolate!


Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 11:45am

Mmmm, Marmite and toast - now there's a good idea SWM! I haven't been swimming for ages though - perhaps I should give it a try. Mostly good ideas are not original (like NED, I was just passing it on) but we do need reminding (except for chocolate - nobody needs reminding that chocolate is good!) All the best SWM, MG x

Ach UK Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 1:09pm

Hi Marmalade girl, Thank you for your blog. Sorry you are a bit rough. I like your NED, a most exemplary fellow. But sounds like you need a bit of a rest, so perhaps NED should go chase Honey for a while.
When I am swamped and swimming against the tide, STEV(e) comes to the rescue ;)) - Self,Team,Equipment,Victim. (This is a useful (mandatory, really) mantra for all canoeists to observe on the water when an incident arises during a group trip).
Self - first make sure you are in a safe position on the water.
Team - secondly check the positions and circumstances of the rest of the team.
Equipment - Third make secure as much as possible cos you may need it later
Victim - Fourth - Now you may if it is safe to do so, help the Victim if necessary.
Sometimes even the most exemplary needs to rest.
So, inflate your buoyancy aid, nibble the chocolate and lie back safely in an eddy, once you are safe you can then consider whether you can aid the team,pick up the paddles and help with the victim.
Moodscopers make a great paddle team, Marmalade girl they're all coming to the rescue. XX

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 1:27pm

Thank you for this Ach UK. I'm sure many of us on here find it difficult to put our needs first, but as your canoeing analogy points out - what good are we if we haven't made sure we ourselves are safe (we end up just adding to the number of Victims!)? My NED and your STEV are good friends to call on, along with all our real friends on Moodscope. MG xx

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 1:30pm

A note to The Gardener - Just wanted to say that I was thinking of you when I wrote the line in today's blog about young people today developing resilience that will last them a lifetime. You are a mighty fine example of this! I hope your day is going OK. MG x

the room above the garage Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 1:33pm

I love Ned! So different from its usual meaning in Scotland which is a lout, numpty, eejit or generally loud and obnoxious ignorant person. I'm loving Ned and I'm glad you've taught me teacher. Thank you :-) love ratg x.

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 1:57pm

Hi RATG - Once a teacher always a teacher... Although you have taught me a new thing in the meaning of Ned in Scotland. I have taught plenty of Neds in my time - often they are the ones that need the most understanding and can be the most rewarding if you start to see the vulnerable person inside. MG xx

S Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 5:32am

Oh Neds, the bane of all scottish Schools! The Neds were nothing 'pared tae the muckle scunnered eejits though! Gotta love scots words for anything negative!

Frankie Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 1:53pm

Hi MG - I knew it was you before I reached the end! So sorry to hear you are going through a bad patch; I love N.E.D. and think it sums you up beautifully. You (and dear Gardener) are an example to us all. Sending gentle hugs. Frankie x

The Gardener Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 2:06pm

Hello again Frankie - nice to see you in print - lovely day here, hope there as well. Attended wedding of granddaughter 1 month ago in torrential rain. Best friends met there are marrying their daughter today - it's lovely. A really good modern phenomenon, the bride has two children, but is not marrying their father! xx

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 2:14pm

Hi Frankie - Really good to hear from you. I have been hoping that although you've been relatively quiet on Moodscope, that life has been ticking over OK for you... My ME symptoms have been increasing, all year to be honest. Like a fool I tried to ignore it at first and pretended it wasn't happening (I had tons of unavoidable stuff to get on with so I just had to grit my teeth and plough on). Now the inevitable has happened and I can hardly move, plus have some dumb virus to deal with. However, it is forcing me to take the signals from my body seriously, which I know will then slowly, slowly mean that I regain some strength and have less physical suffering. You know how it is. Anyway, lovely to hear from you. Gentle hugs back, MG xx

Frankie Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 2:15pm

Gloriously sunny, thank-you! Expecting brother and family on Monday - apparently we need to discuss alcoholic sister (sigh!) F xx

The Gardener Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 2:01pm

Thank you MG - my 'early training' seems to pay off. Now, as things get worse, I hope I am developing a different resilience. As 'threatening' the situation is wearing me down physically, emotionally and mentally. So I have a mindfulness? Don't know how to describe it. Never give up, yes - but give in, to exhaustion - do only vital things (count plant watering vital) then sit, listen to music, and when I get a surge of energy I go and attack something. The fact that any chance I get I sleep, so the batteries are still going. Above covers the 'D', the 'E' comes inwards, others encouraging me, not the other way round at the moment. RATG thought your description was 'Nerd' not Ned??

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 2:24pm

Yes, the things that have worked in the past don't necessarily continue to work for us. We have to find new approaches and adapt to survive! It might not be "giving in" but ACCEPTANCE can be a good strategy (and not as easy as it sounds!) You yourself Gardener don't have to actually encourage others because to me just seeing you getting on with it is massively inspiring and encouraging. MG x

Lexi Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 2:55pm

Good morning Marmaladegirl (morning here in the midwest) I love this blog. It's all we can really do, right? Then the simple things become simple joys when we achieve them. I hope you are able to rest and take care of yourself today. I too am "recharging my batteries" after a rough two weeks. I had planned to do all sorts of things this morning, but I’m still lying in bed with my coffee and my laptop, because really it’s the best I can do today. But I close my eyes and enjoy the silence of my quiet house and it feels glorious today. I will put NED to use today for sure. Thank you. Xo Lexi

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 5:40pm

Hi Lexi - Lovely to hear from you. I hope you are having a good day recharging your batteries, sounds like the best idea if things have been tough lately. Love and hugs, MG x

The Gardener Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 8:13pm

Been out to dinner, and visited excellent art exhibition, parking Mr G on pavement. Circus just starting up - marvellous for summer, we have a big camp site, lots of B & Bs, and chairs in town square full every night. The day has NOT been good, and now mulling over how we cope with 'difficult' situations, Frankie's alcohol sister, Another Sally's sad story, my situation. In the past there was the 'loony' bin, private nursing homes, or you got on with it. If mum or dad reached old age, they had their corner by the fire, and in really longed for death because they knew their family's means were stretched to feed them. Foibles? You put up with it. Frankie's family 'meeting' is interesting - troublesome sister 'never darken our doors again' put up with her, or persuade her into re-hab (expensive buck-passing). Mr G decided, from yesterday, that he could not walk anymore. Heard minor battles with nurse this morning. He slept all the morning, so no out to lunch. Then - how would you cope? He needed to go to the toilet, (4 metres from his armchair). He was going to fall over. I panicked, shoved an office chair under him and used it as a wheelbarrow. OK. Then I settled him, warm, with music, left kitchen door open, notice on it to say where I was (just across the road). When I came back he was in the road, with his walker, AND he had let the cat out. Looking round the house he'd been upstairs looking for me. Distinctly peeved, I said if he could go round the house looking for me he could walk to the loo. Reply? 'Oh, I can walk in an emergency'. How DO you cope with that without losing rag. And is it worth 25,000 euros a year to get shot of all this hassle? How DO I set my mind to cope with it? Sorry about this - suddenly (and I have not had much wine) I realised how the 'resilience' and 'acceptance' voiced by MG matter in whether you cope or go under. Our longest standing friends are all over 80 - they all need input of family, care in a home or grim medical treatment. I'm not being flippant, but perhaps we need some form of training to cope with being 80 and 90 (quite a few friends over 90). I think MG's 'NED' is a good base.Thanks again.

Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 8:49pm

There's no easy answer is there Gardener? As children we think that adults have all the answers, then we become an adult ourselves, and, personally, I find each stage completely baffling and unexpected (but at least it IS only a stage, a phase - each one passes). Relationships in early adulthood - no one gave me any advice and I learnt a lot the hard way. Having children - people talk about a "club". Yes, it's a secret club that nobody is completely honest about until you are IN. Getting older, the menopause - again, nobody seems to be capable of describing it. And I'm sure it will be the same with old age. I watch my parents enter their eighties (father 86 this year) and their struggles with all the challenges and changes that are thrown at them. My feeling that I enter each stage unprepared presumably comes from the fact that HOW do you prepare someone? You can describe your own experience until you are blue in the face to a younger person struggling with personal relationships, young children, middle age, etc but each person's life experience is going to be unique to them and advice given not necessarily relevant or relatable to. However, dear Gardener, your suggestion that we receive training for being 80 & 90 - brilliant suggestion! Not having set preconceptions, keeping an open mind, continuing to search for solutions and keeping a positive attitude, wherever we may be in life, is hopefully a healthy, helpful approach (but whether it really works or not, I'll let you know). All I know at the moment is that adjusting and learning to cope NEVER ends. We have never actually ARRIVED at the place where we can sit back, feet up, totally relaxed - but that's good; that's LIFE. Let's see what tomorrow brings Gardener! Lots of love, MG xx

S Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 9:31am

As some may know, I have a passion for caring for others. It's the thing I do best in the world, other than memorise useless knowledge. And i mean it - I was an amazing nurse when I worked agency. Every ward sister offered me a permanent placement with in-job staff nurse training within a week of me meeting them, they offered me shifts over other more experienced staff because of the quality of care I gave. Things like women nurses having never thought to clean a man's nether's properly, I did not stand for! I was the proper imagge of modern nursing, both caring and precise and efficient. I learned many tactics dealing with the elderly, especially when they weren't quite as rational as we'd like them to be. I'd be happy to share any tips with you on getting him to do more for himself where possible - no refusing to walk was permitted by me! Even hours after a hip transplant! Best for recovery - I wasnt always the nicest nurse, but I was the best one. I get the feelling you have the same struggle there. Taking care of one mother was harder than 20 90 year olds at times, just cause of the attention you give thtem, and how difficult they can be. Be careful with the wine to cope, it's the slippery caring slope that led me to a dance with the devil to cope with being a carer for a while. Do you go to VOCAL regularly? You really should - i recommend using them as long as you need.

S Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:09pm

Ahh school, was great for some, horrid for others. Horrid for me, but also euphoric - I used academia to mask my mental health issues. Of course i had meltdowns, cried, ran out of school in tears several times, and the teachers just said I was "A bit sensitive". They in fact used it to try to reduce my only coping mechanism - more academia. 5 books a day, 2 subjects more than average, top grades in the country (AAAA at Advanced Higher, equivalent of 5/6 As at A level) second to only two guys in Shetland (but they had little else to do). Academia was my way of dealing with problems.

Until it wasn't. One day I discovered something more fulfilling and it was dangerously so - love. It superceded all rationality or responsibility. All dignity or respectability. It was intoxicating and I had to have it, cause with BPD, that feeling made me complete. It's dangerous for us, for we look so normal at first. We walk and talk and flirt like a normie, but inside we're a mess of insecurity. Our borderline is one between psychosis and neurosis. I can't tell which one is which sometimes, and neither can those around me. Talk about invisible mental illness? People can't tell when you're delusional and out of your mind - literally non-sentient running on survival instinct - or just plain inappropriate and unwilling to change. It's a testament to how i learned to cope that some people think the latter - it's a compliment really, that I can function so well to a point people think I'm just an almighty arse when the delusion comes. But when we remove the delusion, what do we have?

BPD is a hurricane that will tear down the walls of your life, home, love, family and security, all while aiming to preserve that. It's a sick form of irony, ingrained from loss of loved ones. When I realised every father figure I had, I lost, it shook me. I was looking for him, still. My father abandoned me at 2, my godfather died in front of me, my grandfather died too. My godfather was the real father to me, and his death reaffirmed what I learned as a 2 year old - they leave me. So all focus turns to ensuring nobody else does, and by now, my claws of normality make this behaviour seem overemotional, chaotic or attention seeking. It is in many ways, it's a cry to reaffirm that my fears are unwarranted. Academia was easy for me - I have a photographic memory. I crammed an entire year of university level chemistry in one night and got above 90%. It was easy - learn, achieve, be wanted. I would be valued and cherished for my intellect.

Emotions were more fickle. Other people had their own goals and thoughts and the insecurity of it was devastating. There is no flowchart to learn to never lose the one you love, and sometimes trying to prevent it, causes it. Sometimes the love is so hot it burns the one you care for, and you end up harming them, irrevocably.

I'm back to academia now, for I realise there was a difference between school and love that wasn't to do with esteem. WIth academia, I can improve myself and feel better about myself, for myself. I can learn all I want to learn with voracity. School wasn't about that - not really. It was about bitchiness and kissing a boy I liked in the music store room. Academia was sideline those days. As an adult, when you realise how messy emotions and life are, and how much hurt you can cause others, a flowchart seems pretty appealing. Being a machine, not a monster is not good, nor bad, but it doesn't harm anyone, and one day we learn that's the most important lesson of all. One most of us didn't know in school. I live by that now, and while I have sinned, I lament every ounce of pain I may have caused any human in my life, and aim to fail at learning, than loving for now.

Sorry this is offtopic, the mention of school got me thinking about what school means to us. To me it was escape, and I didn't really learn the lessons of socialising until I was much too late, and with too much regret.

If anyone would like a post about BPD, I have one I'd like to submit called 'How's your vision?" discussing visibility of mental health, and those conditions we sometimes don't even know are there. BPD is a big one for this, where it's so on the line, people think you're crazy, but not psychotic, and you get the worst of both paints on you. It touches on depression and schizoaffective disorders too. Anyway, I enjoy reading these blogs, sorry for my tangent.


Marmaladegirl Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 9:41pm

Hi S - You should definitely e-mail your post about BPD, "How's your vision?", to Caroline ( It sounds like it might be helpful for anyone who has the condition or feels they have something but they're not sure what. It helps for people to read things that they identify with and that makes them feel less alone and that may also have positive coping strategies... The only thing might be is that ideally the daily blog should be about 500 words, so maybe try to keep it short (for those of us less academic than yourself who struggle to absorb large chunks of info all in one go!) By the way, I don't think you need to lament every ounce of pain you may have caused any human in your life - you haven't set out to do that and it is not your fault. Don't add their suffering to your own - you have quite enough on your plate. Your tangent was very interesting - thank you for writing it. MG

Molly Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 11:28pm

I wanted to stay away for a while, then I read this from S. Being diagnosed with BPD myself which is now called something different in the UK. As they like to change names and I cannot keep up with it, I can very much relate to this. I was asked to do a blog about it. Two reasons why I didn't, firstly I didn't know where to start. Secondly Another Sally's daughter had it, so I didn't know if it was appropriate. I am struggling right now and would be very pleased to read your blog S. I am just about holding on to my marriage right now and have no idea who is at fault. Previous relationships failed and again, I am at a loss to understand, to the point of obsession, that I was happier before, but I wasn't.

S Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 8:34am

Molly, as a fellow BPD sufferer, would you consider being buddies? Ehh I don't really know anyone here, and us both being self aware gives us ssomething in common at least.

S Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 9:56am

Both are always at fault in some way, but as a BPD sufferer your share of the blame is often larger, but more justified. You are MADE wrong psychologically, I used to get told "You're not normal!" "You just can't fucking cope with real life like a normal human it's pathetic! You're pathetic!" That kind of thing, and that was from people who loved me. You take more blame with BPD, but if they know you have it, they can choose to take an equal share. BPD It's a matter of wanting to change hard enough or just be happier or changing the way you behave with one another. It's about fear of abandonment or rejection on a level most people cannot comprehend. So it makes us say and do crazy, sometimes somewhat abusive and manipulative shit out of fear when running on pure adrenaline. We watch our bodies doing this from the outside iwth horror knowing it's wrong, but can't rationalise, because we're no longer a sapient adult. We're an emotional child. Which was something else screamed at me often "Get help1" "You're like a fucking child! It's pathetic!" It is pathetic, and we do need help, but where to get it from? Doctors just give antidepressants that are ineffective, refuse to refer to psych, while you destroy everything good around you, when you can't take it anymore and try to end it (termed "Borderline End-stage" or "Borderline Fulfillment") they just make you promise to not do it again so you can go home and get to your own bed after failing to even do that. So there you have it endless cycles of destruction, but remember, it's not your fault - you are built differently, in a different emotional way. Your brain learned that bonds can vanish or sour quickly at a young age and developed primal coping mechanisms to protect them at any cost... sadly. Anyone you're close to MUST understand the extent of this and how hard it can be if they sense ANYTHING wrong - if you want something to work you need to be open and honest truly constantly cause BPD has super-observant powers of anything wrong that they can obsess over and believe is an imminnt break-up that could be just that you have a headache. It shouldn't be sad that you need more reassurance or looked down upon, but encouraged to build healthy self esteem you never had the opportunity to, not used as a weapon against you. You're an emotional burns victim effectively and your husband if married to you should know this by now and should learn that while he shouldn't have to in an ideal world, he should be careful with what he says/does and why/what? He should know what triggers you easily and avoid it and make extra effort to prevent it, not just be indignant that your triggers are fired. Sorry this is long but i've had a long time to think about these sorts of issues. So, given what I've said - he is your husband after all, you should have equal blame in whatever? You cannot cure your mental health, and he promised in sickness and in health, and is there to support your weaker side. So IMO BPD Shouldn't factor into this disagreement, or if it does, he's maybe not being sensitive enough to it. :) Hope i Helped molly.

Anonymous Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 2:43pm

Oh indeed apologies for my language in my direct quotes indeed. If there was an edit button I'd asterisk them! Darnit! Is that a feature that's been considered?

Molly Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 4:28pm

S - I am happy to be your buddy but I rarely do the test these days and I think that is all it does - share scores ? If you give Caroline your email address and permission to pass it on to me, we can perhaps have a private conversation about BPD. You explain it so very well, I could very much relate to what you say here. I would love to have shown my husband what you have written but he will moan that I have even been talking about him, so I just read a few bits out to him. He does struggle to understand me although he tries his best. I am forever confused as to whether I am overreacting to something or if I am justified. Thanks for sharing this with me, you have explained it really well, much better than I could have done.

Anonymous Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 4:46pm

Of course. Anything I can do to help at all. If anything I have learned from the ehorror show of BPD can help someone else, I am willing to go to any length. Will email Caroline now.

S Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 9:25pm

I am now S, the one and only. *bows graciously*

Molly Sat, Aug 26th 2017 @ 11:32pm

MG - I don't want you to think I didn't respond to your blog, it was a good blog, I am just in a bad place so couldn't think of much to say xx

Marmaladegirl Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 7:35am

Dear Molly - So sorry to hear that you are in a bad place. I also see in your comment to S above that your marriage is difficult too. That's bound to make you feel worse, after all you have put into it... I don't know if it helps, but you are not alone Molly. Try to find the strength to put your feelings out on Moodscope and people will respond to support you. I am not well myself at the moment so putting words down is hard (I wrote the blog a while ago). I wish I could say more to encourage and support you Molly... Be kind to yourself, this will pass. Thinking of you. Love from MG xx

Frankie Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 10:36am

Dear Molly; sending you gentle hugs - MG is right. Frankie x

Lexi Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 3:10pm

Molly, I'm sending you hugs too. I often read your posts and think we're in the same leaky boat. I'm separated from my husband going on two years now. Not sure where this will lead - divorce or reconnect - cannot last in this state of indecision forever.But in the time alone I have discovered that there is nothing wrong or bad with me. I am just wired differently than most others around me. I am learning to manage my sensitivity and through that I am actually discovering that I am lovable and capable of love. You are too. Xo Lexi

Anonymous Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 3:40pm

My BPD Commnt about the marriage was iintended to be supportive from an objective pov.

Molly Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 4:33pm

Thank you MG, Frankie and Lexi. I really appreciate your kind words xxx

Nicco Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 6:41pm

Molly, I really feel for you as I can identify with a lot of what you say. I, too, am all at sea with my marriage and I understand what you say in that you are unsure as to whether you are justified or over-reacting. I think maybe I became super-sensitive because of all that I was going through with the abuse when I was growing up - certainly super-sensitive to 'bad vibes' and also in what people would say to me - wasn't sure whether to take things literally or to laugh it off - so I sometimes find it hard living with my emotions which at times seem to swing so strongly and I end up upsetting those around me when all I wanted to do was be honest. I sometimes value the time I spend alone as I can, in some ways, be 'me' and not have to live up to others' expectations etc, but then I also sometimes get a deep loneliness, even when with other people, as I feel others don't understand me. It's a tricky balance. I also identify with a lot of what S said, esp the bits about being built differently, having to develop primal coping mechanisms, getting home and into your own bed, and promising for better or worse in sickness & in health. I was only 22 when I married but I took my vows very seriously. My husband resents having to be a carer so seeks solace in moaning about me and getting sympathy from other women which is hard to accept. So some days going to sleep & not waking up seems preferable but somehow I find the strength to cope & to kkep forging ahead. I pray that you will also find that strength. x Nicco x

Leah Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 10:59pm

Nicco, I know you wrote this to Molly but I just wanted to say I am thinking of you. You have expressed yourself so honestly.I found your post very moving. Please keep finding the strength to keep going. I always your contributions to Moodscope so helpful and honest. Even though you are having problems you take time to care about other Moodscopers. Sending kind thoughts.Leah xx

Molly Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 11:50pm

Hi Nicco, thank you so much for this. It really helps when someone understands. Where to start? I had a difficult childhood so I guess my problems stem from that. My dad left when I was 8 and my step father was not a nice man. Trust became difficult, yet when I did/do trust someone I push them away. I miss my space but when I had it, I too could also get lonely. I crave for the good then reject the good! I got married much later in life than you and never thought I ever would marry. I question it now but I cannot think of any alternative and the thought of losing him terrifies me even though I tell him often to leave! I get obsessed with the fact (in my head) that I should have stayed with my ex but these are not real thoughts, yet I cannot get rid of them. I am not sure who the carer is in my house as my husband is very unwell too so I guess we are clashing right now. Whilst I try and do everything for him physically, I guess I am wanting him to do some understanding mentally. Everyone seem so concerned for him but not many people are understanding about me! I feel they just consider me as a nuisance and it is not the way I want to be. I can also relate to what you say about other women. My husband will have a laugh and a joke and a flirt with other women to the point he is unrecognisable to me. So I often tell him that he married the wrong woman. Another essay here. But thank you for opening up and relating to me, it really is helpful. Molly xx

Anonymous Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 1:51am

MOlly Im so sorry to hear you're in a hard spot. I've given the mods my email, so if you need, you can tell me what is the hardest, and maybe some of the tricks my therapist came up with can help you without being a paragraph your husband gets angry over as you say :)

Anonymous Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 1:55am

Or of course we can talk about the BPD routes of the reactions, maybe you can explains them and make it easier on you both that way. BPD takes 10 years to cure, in this scenario in a marriage it's his responsibility to take care I would say without being harsh. You cannot control iconsciously, he can. :( *internet hugs*

Molly Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 4:23pm

It hasn't been passed onto me yet. Is there more than one person going by anonymous on here, it's a bit confusing. Could you stick to S ? Your call of course ! Thank you for your offer of help and kind words. I wasn't aware there was a cure for BPD. This gives me hope. I used to read a lot about it but I've not been very good at helping myself for a while now and have got into a bit of a rut I guess. Depression won't lift, just when I think it is, it returns.

Voldemort Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 9:23pm

I was feeling a little self-loathing and went for voldemort. Of course, I have literally any idea if people im talking to are understanding references or not, or if i even know them. it's not quite fair, but I'll keep with S if it makes you feel better.

Leah Sun, Aug 27th 2017 @ 10:49pm

Marmalade Girl,
Thanks for your blog.
I am sorry you have been struggling. I always look forward to your blogs and comments as you are so kind. I have noticed on Moodscope that when people are not in a good place that is when they show extra compassion to others who are not doing well. This is what makes Moodscope such a caring community. I am sending healing thoughts to you.
Leah xx

Jane SG Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 5:24am

Sending hugs to MG,Molly and Nicco xxx

Molly Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 4:30pm

Thank you Jane. I also tried to have a break from here (saw your comment somewhere else), but it's addictive somehow. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. Paranoia is awful isn't it, I often worry about what I have said for instance. I don't know what your reasons are but I would certainly miss you if you were not here. You are always so kind xxxx

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