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My blog. Friday July 7, 2017

If I could change one thing about myself what would it be?

I am only allowed one thing. That would be impossible as there is so much I want to change. How do you choose just one single thing? Do I select something easy and physical and say I want to be taller or thinner - no that would sound so superficial and I think I am so deep and meaningful.

Do I choose one of my annoying behaviours, the way I sometimes pick at my food, eat with my fingers, leave a lot of water on the floor after my shower or not close the fridge properly. Changing all those behaviours would make my partner happy, but I am not sure they are worthy of my one chance to change myself.

What do I want to change and why do I think I should change because people have told me I should improve some aspect of my personality?

So, Leah just pick one thing. It is not that hard I told myself.

I would like to change my indecisive nature. As you can see I find it hard to answer a simple question. When I am depressed, deciding is nearly impossible for me - I would like to be a decisive person who can make important and unimportant decisions by weighing up the pros and cons and then making up a decision. Also, I don't want to feel guilty later. Is that more than one thing?

Now your turn to answer.

If I could change one thing about myself what would it be?

Or complete 'I wouldn't change a thing about myself because...

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Molly Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 3:18am

Hi Leah. Without a doubt it would be 'my depression'. I can of course think of many other things I would like to change, but that would be my priority. I agree, making decisions are so difficult when depressed, not trusting our opinions amongst many other things, so if we could get rid of the depression it would cure the lot !! Well, maybe not 'cure' but it would make life alot easier !! But then I read your last sentence, and I kind of thought, "hold on, we are what we are". One of the nicest things ever said to me was "don't ever change". So I will complete that sentence that you request and say "I wouldn't change a thing about myself because I am me". What a relief! Thank you for another thought provoking blog Leah xx

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 8:46am

Thanks Molly for your comment. I like when you say "because I am me: so I wouldn't change a thing."I like the way you expressed your thought process. XX

Larry Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:58am

Hi Leah, if I could change one thing about myself - it would be to better control or stop my addictions!

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 10:04am

Thanks Larry for your comment. I wish you well that, it must be very challenging.

Isabella Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 6:55am

I wouldn't change a thing about myself because I am who I am. Take it or leave it! At least that's my thought today on this beautiful sunny morning.....

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 8:47am

Isabella thanks for your confident statement and I am glad Yu like yourself the way you are.

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 7:11am

Eating to live, not living to eat maybe? Then perhaps I wouldn't always be a hungry Bear lol !! :)

Hi Leah, great blog.....I suspect many of us would like to not have depression in any form, however, I expect many may feel 'this is who I am and what makes me (fill in the blanks with...) human, kinder to others, empathetic, thoughtful, well as many negatives!
......and after all, that's what brings us here to help our self, to help others when we can.

a vet deep and meaningful blog, which will give many a lot of thought today, Leah.
Thank you!

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 8:48am

Bear, Thanks for discussing the different options. This is who I am sounds like a good place to start. Xx

Orangeblossom Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 7:26am

Thanks Leah for the great blog. Self-acceptance is something that I have had to work at. I sometimes think that I have reached that point and then the ground shifts. I am back to the starting point, or so it seems.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:05am

Orangeblossom Thanks for your comment. I try for self acceptance but then it goes away and I have nothing left.

Jane SG Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 7:31am

Great blog Leah, including the title. It grabbed my attention.
I would change my overthinking, without hestitation. This gives me more grief then anything else in my life xxx

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 8:52am

Jane , Thanks for your comment. I am guilty of overthinking too, xx

Tychi's Mum Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 7:40am

Good morning Leah,I loved the simplicity of your blog today. Very thought provoking. I have to say, yep, me too..the first thing i'd want to change is not to have depression. I was already a kind, thoughtful and empathetic person before depression descended.
I wish I could just tell it to bugger off (and that's putting it politely).
What's always been really important to me is being a "nice" (awful word) kind and thoughtful person. Those are the things I definitely wouldn't change about me.
Wishing you all a peaceful day full of "happeness". (See Monday's blog) which I also loved x

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 8:55am

Tychi's Mum, Thanks for your comment. I like the way you thought the answer through.

waterfall Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 8:34am

Leah, firstly I love your name.
I would love to blow my depression away for good like a dandelion clock.
One thing that does annoy me about myself, always trying to please, say the right thing, many times it has come back to bite me in the bottom. Wish I could speak my mind, without spending ages afterwards beating myself up "you shouldn't have said this that or the other" people say what they think regardless of whether they are hurting someone or not, I couldn't do that. I feel it is better to stand back and just listen, because that's what the majority want, very few listen to what others say, they're just waiting to get their say in anyway, Hope this is not a load of twaddle ha ha.
Keep looking on the bright side of life. xx

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:00am

Waterfall I like your name as it is so poetic, I can relate to much of what you say , I wrote a blog on people pleaser a while ago. Listening is good. Great comment thanks.

Sally Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 8:44am

My depression. When feeling great, I plan this and that. But this is then sabotaged by my inertia in depression! When everything is a chore, and has lost its sparkle. Grr!

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:01am

Sally, Thanks for your honest comment.

Jul Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 8:51am

Hello Leah. Looking back, the things I would like to change about myself have been different over the years. Now though? I guess I would like to be bit more self confident when I'm with others. I would like to be able to express myself more articulately and with words that convey exactly how I am feeling at any one time. I am articulate expressing my views on most things to others, but not about myself. Jul xx

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:03am

Thanks for your comment. You have insight into your character. I have trouble expressing how I feel to others I just come across as whining!

The Gardener Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:06am

Thanks Leah for the 'challenge'. Mr G has been so foul this morning I am still shaking - handed him over to respite. I don't think I would change anything about the way I lead my life - the mass of friends, smiles, back-up means I can't be the monster my husband sees me as (grammar?) What I WOULD love to change is my total inability to sell 'myself' (not in that way!) No, I do beautiful knitwear, written books people like, but some prudishness stops me 'pushing' anything I've achieve myself, except my gardens - no problem in showing them off - but I feel it's not 'me', but just helping nature along. Every time you write Leah I think of my two grand-sons, very happy studying and working in Melbourne - lucky them, I love the city xx

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:52am

The Gardener Thanks for your comment. Oh to see us another see us because I would think you would be more than confident enough to sell you wares and skills. Gardener being born a Sydney girl, I have only been to Melbourne about 7 times, There used to be a big rivalry between Sydney and Melbourne. Mrs G , I think you are wonderful just the way you are.

The Gardener Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 12:14pm

Thanks for your vote of confidence - big holiday period coming - will make an effort. Only been to Sydney once, for New Year 2nd hottest day in Sydney - A/C breaking down - fabulous occasion - but I'd never get to grips with Sydney - boats fun, Bondi beach a disappointment - no bars!

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:38pm

Not sure what you mean by bars? Pubs? There are plenty there now. Must have been a while since your last visit. many nicer beaches than Bondi.

Mary S Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:10am

Hi Leah,
The one thing I would change is my lack of self-acceptance. Maybe it would be properly termed 'confidence' or 'self worth' but Im not sure.
I think that is the problem at the heart of many issues mentioned in your post and in the comments; like indecisiveness, guilt, overthinking, trying to please everyone. I also struggle with those things, but if I trace my thoughts back to the heart of the matter more often than not self doubt ('Im not ok') is at the core.
It also contributes greatly to depression in my case. Or maybe is a consequence of depression. It is a chicken and egg scenario when you have physical/genetic factors, traumatic experiences, and habitual thinking patterns going on.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:54am

Thank you for your detailed response to my question. I keep nodding at things you mentioned. The chicken and egg dilemma is an interesting one. I worry if I get rid of bipolar and I am still sometimes moody and irritable what do I blame then??

Anna Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 10:05am

Thanks for your lovely blog Leah,

Well I wouldn't change a thing about myself because... thoughts surrounding wishing I was different, wanting to change myself or focusing on my flaws are my "mindfulness alarm bells" that tell me I could be about to slide down the rabbit hole of depression. So over the years, learning to love and accept myself as I am has been one of the biggest healers, and ironically it has made some of my character flaws (such as being over critical or quick to anger) have all but melted away. I'm now proud of other harmless quirks of character and have learnt to wear my unconventional lifestyle like a badge of honour rather than dragging it around like a sack of shame.

I hope you're feeling well today and focusing on the lovely things about Leah!

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 10:24am

Anna Wow what a great comment, if only I could get that to work for me, I have never had luck with mindfulness but am glad it worked for you- that is inspiring.

Anna Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 11:07am

Thanks Leah. For me it's just about noticing thoughts - kind of stopping them as they come in, spinning them around and examining where they might have come from. I don't meditate. But having said all that I know I'm still vulnerable to depression, and to mania. Thanks again for your blog.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 11:38am

Thanks Anna, Thanks for explaining 'that to me.

Vivien Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 10:18am

Hi Leah, I would like to change my lack of confidence. I get knocked down and I run. Just to be able to stand up to my demons would be brilliant and have them on the run. I will try to do this. If someone tells me I can't do something or shouldn't do something, I would like the chance to be confident and tell them, nicely or politely, that this is how things are going to be and if they don't like it then tuff. Keep smiling!

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 10:25am

Vivien Thanks for your comment. I agree confidence is a hard one, sometimes I can have it,and others times it runs away,.

Christian Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 10:50am

Hi Leah, very good blog today.I also know the difficulty to take
decisions with depression. Before my depression I had no difficulty and was in fact very decissive in private and job.That´s not possiblle now. I would like to change my automatic daily negative thoughts in all kind of situations,my
aggressions and hence lack of confidence. Medication unfortunately is still poor for some mental symptoms.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 11:04am

Christian Thanks for your comment, I think changing ones automatic negative thoughts would improve things for many people.

Valerie Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 12:06pm

Hi Leah,That's a hard one-narrowing down to just one! My first thought,being vain and shallow,was my scraggy neck.I've settled on something that would transform my life more rewardingly.I am always worried and fretting about something.These thoughts seem to breed,and before I know it I am exhausted from sleepless nights,followed by feeling worthless and depressed.It shames me to think of the years of my life that have been wasted.Some lucky people just say "I'll deal with that when it happens",how I envy them.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:42pm

Valerie Thanks for your comment. I can relate to the worry, the exhaustion and sleepless nights. PEople say to me just do it and don't worry. if only it was that easy.

Nicco Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 1:10pm

Thanks for your challenging blog, Leah. I would change my impatience. The older I get, the more impatient I seem to become with just about everything. I see it as a negative in myself and f I could change it for a calmer me, be more accepting of each potentially annoying situation, I think it would improve my life for the better, and definitely for those around me. I do work at it but, sometimes, it seems the harder I try, the worse it gets, and I see many other things that are born out of it too (anger and swearing, for example). I won't leave on a negative note so I'll just say that so far, today, I haven't been impatient or angry and have not sworn! Maybe each day I could stretch that to just a few mins longer - that's definitely something positive I could try towards a change. I'm off to try to peg my now washed, very large & heavy bed cover on the line, so I'm going to try very hard not to get impatient with/about it!

Jul Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 1:19pm

Hello Nicco. Oh how I agree with you about the anger thing. Is it age or what is it that makes me increasingly angry at small irritations? The heat right now is overwhelming so I do have an excuse but I do notice my language (not good) and my knee jerk reactions to life far more than I used to and have to keep all of this in check. I don't want to become an irritable so and so which can I am informed get worse the older we get. Talking about pegging bed covers on the line, I get so cross when the pegs are not strong enough to hold the first bit of the cover on the line and the whole thing drops to the ground. I hope you managed without getting cross! Jul xx

Bearofliddlebrain Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 2:36pm

Nicki and Jul, just wanted to add my four penny worth in to the 'pegging out the washing debacle!' I have super king-sized sheets to change and when pegging them out, I pick up the two corners (doesn't matter which two as long as they are on the same length) leaving the rest of the duvet cover in the wash basket or hang the rest of it over my shoulder whilst I peg up those bits first ...that makes it a bit easier to hang; then pick up the rest of it and peg up!! They're so heavy when damp and I mutter and curse at them every week...but thankfully most of it is done in whispers so as not offend the neighbours! Lol! Bear xx

Jul Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 4:41pm

Thank you Bear. I too do that, leaving the remaining bit of the sheet/duvet cover in the basket. I have one of those pull out rails or racks which is attached to a wall, popular in France and Spain and I noticed a washing line in France which had a large sheet or cover pegged to two rails so that it looked like hammock. Much quicker drying time. Oh the joys of domesticity...Jul xx

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:46pm

Nicole I was tossing up between impatience and decision. Sometimes I am not aware of my impatience until someone comments on it. It is good you are aware of it. THanks for your comment.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:47pm

Sorry auto text changed your name Nicco

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:49pm

Jul Thanks for your comment to Nicco. I can't imagine you ever being an dirritable so and so. Just wondering if it is so hot why you need the heavy bedcovers?

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:52pm

Bear Thanks for your helpful comments to Nicco and Jul. one never knows where a blog will take one! STill confused about using duvets in summer. It sounds like an aerobic work out.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:54pm

Jul Most of the backyards here have a rotary clothes line. maybe instead of changing ourselves need to change the clothesline and get the attachment you suggest. Thanks again.

Molly Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 2:39am

I don't have a problem with 'pegging out' but I so hate changing the duvet cover. I will put this task off for as long as I can. Good point Leah about why do we need duvets when it is so hot! I think alot of people have summer duvets and winter duvets, I suppose the weather is so changeable here in the UK. Personally I have an all season one and like to feel something 'on me'. Gosh that sounded rude didn't it. I will refrain from the joke I was to make there and agree with 'however did we start talking about duvet covers and domestic bliss' Oh yes - irritability, I think Jul is right, it is probably an age thing. Our tolerance levels are failing. M xx

Leah Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 11:08am

Molly I feel irritability comes as we age because we no longer suffer fools

Nicco Fri, Aug 11th 2017 @ 1:47am

I didn't realise my laundry routine would promote so many comments! I employ the techniques Bear describes. Also... I was washing the heavy cover because it's the end of the season and, with the warmer weather, (which now seems to have turned into rain) I didn't need the heavy top cover!

Molly Fri, Aug 11th 2017 @ 2:39am

Nicco - rain ?? Blimey, if I see anymore of it, I will consider turning into a duck x

TexasGirl Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 3:04pm

I would change my lack of motivation. There are so many things I would like to do and so many things I should do and I just can't find the motivation to do them. If I could ratchet my motivation up to a 10, it would solve a lot of issues in my life.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 9:56pm

Texas girl, Thanks for the comment. I can relate to that too. SOme days I find it so hard to motivate myself.

Wyvern Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 4:29pm

I wouldn't (couldn't) change anything about myself, because I am me.
What I do work on changing, though, is things I do, ways I react, ways I think about things. I change some aspect of these things, but I am still myself. I want to become my truly authentic self that doesn't hide behind a carefully constructed mask.

Even my mother, who is losing her ability to think things through and remember stuff, because of dementia, is still very much herself and I can't see that ever changing. There are aspects of her that have been masked over the years that my sisters and I are only now starting to see. We can see the child in her and relate it to family photos and family stories about her childhood, now that she has no masks left.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 10:02pm

Wyvern Thanks for your comment. I suppose I see what I do as being a part of who I am. I like the description of your mother and found it moving. Alas when my mum had dementia her flaws were exaggerated and instead of the loving caring grandma she became loud, irritable, and ultra critical . I am glad you like the mother behind the mask.

Jane SG Sun, Jul 9th 2017 @ 8:34pm

Absolutely. I've spent the best part of 3-4 years working on changing my reactions and also bring more authentic. It's hard, scary and sometimes 1 step forward and 5 steps back. But worth it! X

Jane SG Sun, Jul 9th 2017 @ 8:35pm

Also glad to see my Mum still has her sense of humour in spite of dementia and being very ill x

Leah Mon, Jul 10th 2017 @ 12:53pm

Jane Changing ones reactions and being more authentic are challenging so well done.

Leah Mon, Jul 10th 2017 @ 12:55pm

Jane A sense of humour is great alas my mother lost hers to dementia. Thanks for your replies.

Leah Fri, Jul 7th 2017 @ 10:07pm

Thanks everyone for your great responses. I found it very interesting that some people wanted to remove depression from their lives, while others were content with who they were. WYvern,s comment made me think can you change an aspect of yourself without altering who your authentic self is?
IT is not too late to respond. THanks again for reading my blog.

Wyvern Mon, Jul 10th 2017 @ 10:22am

Perhaps you can, in the sense of removing masks that allow the authentic self to be revealed. That's if you call the mask an 'aspect', which perhaps it can be ... gosh, getting very philosophical here!

Leah Mon, Jul 10th 2017 @ 12:56pm

Wyvern Thats is a good point it is often of how we frame things and name things. I might try it.

Salt Water Mum Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 9:18am

Thank you Leah for asking such an interesting question. I read all the comments last night but felt a bit too low and tired to reply.

My first instinct was to say 'I can only change one thing about myself...???' There are so so many.

My sadness. My lack of self-confidence. My anxiety. My worrying. My procrastination.

If the sadness could change, maybe the rest would change too? I don't know.

I do admire those people who responded that they accept themselves as they are. I wish I wish I could do that but I am constantly criticising myself. It's exhausting. I am constantly comparing myself to others. Also exhausting.

I am working on the comparing though. I am - as Anna mentioned - trying to catch myself when I realise I am doing it and have a good ol talk with myself - 'yes, you're not so-and-so but you're okay and you're doing the best you can, so let it go...'

I wish it all wasn't so difficult. I wish I could pass on serenity to my children. And self-belief and confidence but how can I when I don't have it myself? So, I pretend to be more sorted than I am. I pretend I am confident and sure of myself. That pretence too is exhausting.

So, just one thing? Then I'd have to say I'd like my anxious, sad, worried, racy head to calm down... too much to ask for ? Probably!

Thanks Leah and to all Moodscopers - great comments.


Leah Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 11:01am

Thanks for your comment. I like the way you consider all of your options before deciding on one. I wish I had a magic wand to grant it,

Leah Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 11:03am

Sally am typing on my phone and my chubby fingers forgot your name.

Leah Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 11:10am

Saltwater mum maybe I should change my typing ability. Sorry for getting your name wrong.

Silvia Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 10:10pm

Very good question, Leah!
"change an aspect of yourself without altering who your authentic self"
1. lack of energy
2. be vulnerable to other's behaviour
3. indecision

I know these three for along time and could improve a lot using different resources. Learning techniques of time management helped me a lot. When indecision is the point, I usually write the pros and cons of an action. If this not enough I ask someone to help me decide.

Leah Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 11:18pm

Silvia Thanks for your comments. Thanks for your tips I am a pros and cons girl but then I still cant decide or I can't decided what is a pro or con and spend time debating that, No one will decide for me as they know I will blame them if I don't like decision!!

Silvia Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 10:12pm

So number one is to have strong vital energy, I am just average or a little bit low others.

Leah Sat, Jul 8th 2017 @ 11:20pm

It is so liong since I had energy, I would like average I often am running on empty! Thanks again Silvia

S Sun, Jul 16th 2017 @ 11:54pm

If I could change one thing, it would be to not have BPD. Honestly, it's almost like imagining having an extra sense that I have no notion of cause I've never had it. The ability to function, cope and lead a normal life without being drowned by overwhelming emotions and endless intrusive memories that make me want to vomit.

It's a small thing, but it would be all I would want in the world. No question.

Leah Tue, Jul 18th 2017 @ 4:57am

S I see that as big thing that would make a big difference to your life. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

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