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Doing the right (unpopular) thing. Wednesday August 14, 2013

Don't you just hate it when you upset someone else?

It's impossible to go through life causing offence to nobody, but I guess a number of us try to do just that. Then, when we do inadvertently hurt other people's feelings what do we do? And how do we feel?

Well, there seem to be two kinds of people in this life. There's the "well, if they can't deal with it then it's just their problem" category and the other type, who obsess and worry about how to fix things so everyone is happy. That would be me then. Oh, you too, eh?

And it can't be done. Sometimes we have to take a stand. We have to do what we feel or know to be right, even if that stand means that other people don't get what they want; even if they hurt us right back by accusations of unfairness, cruelty, not understanding them and so on.

Sometimes we are in the wrong. We can acknowledge that we have perhaps been insensitive in the way we've dealt with things. Maybe we have been tactless with the words we've used. Maybe we have not taken their natural feelings into account.

We can apologise, we can try to understand why the other person is hurt, but in the end, we have to do what we feel to be right. Long term, compromising our own beliefs is a canker that will cause us more suffering than standing fast to what we know to be good and truthful and right.

Thinking about the Moodscope cards, we're going to score that "guilty" card in both cases, but one is a reflection of strength (go on, score "strong" with a 3 then) and one a weakness, that we've let ourselves down. It's a tough choice, and if you're like me you'll hate having to make it, but the Moodscope maths make sense. So (deep breath) "I'm sorry you feel like that, but I have to do what I feel is right." Hmmm: I think I'll go practise saying that a few times before actually trying it out.

A Moodscope User.

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Anonymous Wed, Aug 14th 2013 @ 1:33am

As always Mary, an excellent post ;o) Love the final paragraph. So, so true.

olegzaezdny Wed, Aug 14th 2013 @ 9:00am

What a wonderful post today! I can easily relate myself to you, I always feel guilty when I don't do the things somebody expects of me. But I'm trying to learn to say "no" when it feels the right thing to do. It's not easy, but with time I'm getting more and more confident. Being honest and true to oneself is important.
Well, you've written a great post. Thanks:)

C A Morgan Wed, Aug 14th 2013 @ 9:07am

Can't believe what timely reflection this post was for me this morning as I'm facing a difficult situation today where I know what I have to say will not be welcome. I've worked with a charity for three years but now, because of physical health issues- which impact on my mental health - have to say I can't do it anymore. I need a break but will still support on the sidelines but can't put in the work I have been doing. I should have done this nine months ago but have struggled on but now have to face the issues before I collapse.

Thanks for helping me rehearse my thoughts and what I will say- which I know is right for me.

Rowan Wed, Aug 14th 2013 @ 10:47am

Well, how timely is this! For years (since 2004)I have been resisting all efforts from my partner to move us from our lovely home in a beautiful seaside town to a remote spot somewhere else. after many heartaches I decided the only way to show her that her dream was actually my nightmare, was to agree to move so we could hunt but, with luck, either not find anywhere suitable or find such a wonderful place that even I was utterly convinced.

What happened is that we have sold our place and after much begging tears and the efforts of both her brother and sister, she agreed to withdraw from our sale and Stay Here.

BUT. On the day that was agreed,a friend, totally besotted with my partner's plans for a Good Life, has subsequently sold her own home and is "coming with us" in 25% share of whatever we find.

Now, I am really in a dark and terrible place. Now, it is not only my life and the life of my partner I'm messing up, but also that of our friend.

What on earth should I do? Back out now, divorce from my partner of 36 years and go it alone? Smile and move happily to a wet hillside in Wales?

Help me with some advice, please Moodscopers....because I'm stuck!

Fiona Wed, Aug 14th 2013 @ 11:48am

Hi Rowan, what a difficult situation. Does your wife realise how much you don't want to move? Have you been totally honest? Because you said to her at one point that you would move, perhaps she doesn't know how you really feel.

If your wife agreed at one point to stay where you are, what are the reasons that persuaded her. Perhaps it was all your friends or relatives being around - whatever it was, keep reminding her of the reasons she decided to stay. I'm sorry, but I don't think your friend's decision should impact on your lives. You have every right to change your mind and how do you know whether it would work having your friend living with you.

On the other hand, you never know, you may like it. I think before you decide whether to divorce and go it alone, discuss it all fully with your wife. Maybe even give it a try. You can always move back if it doesn't work out.

Rowan Wed, Aug 14th 2013 @ 12:25pm

Thank you for your response; I do not feel there is any way out of this. My civil partner is utterly aware of how I feel; she just believes "I'll get over it" when we actually move. She agreed reluctantly to stay here after being bombarded by her brother and sister; but ultimately, she dislikes this town so much she thinks, hopes and fervently believes, that moving to the Welsh countryside is best for us all.

I am disabled. I rely on her to drive me around as I can only get about with 2 sticks. I cannot drive myself anymore; following brain surgery 2 years ago, I'm pretty stuck, actually.

I think partly, our friend coming to live with us will ease my partner's struggles with me and will provide her with company and assistance in her plans for developing a permaculture garden.

Sorry; but the woes they just keep coming right at me!


Anonymous Thu, Aug 15th 2013 @ 9:46am

Hi Rowan, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. It's clear you don't want to move to Wales and your wife is very unhappy where you currently live. So where's the middle ground? Currently it appears that one of you will be unhappy whether you stay or move to Wales. Is there a compromise? Have you thought about where you would be willing to move to? Are you both able agree that moving to Wales isn't an option and staying isn't an option and you need to work together to find something that suits both of you? Maybe draw up a list of what you both need in a home and community and try to find a place that meets both of your needs.

This could be a opportunityt o bring you closer together. I think the friend is confusing the issue and really if your relationship is suffereing as a result then you have to detach the friend from this problem.

I hope this helps in some way.


Rowan Thu, Aug 15th 2013 @ 3:12pm

Thank you, Sam for taking the time to reply to me. Right now, however, I think the only thing for me to do is to go with the plan and move to Wales. I don't want to. I have explained as clearly as I can just how much I don't want to; it all turns out to be my "fault" for being negative. Today I have been told she hopes she can get to enjoy it a little bit before I ruin it for her....

Really, I need to leave. I know that. I just don't know how to do it.

The friend is most definitely confusing the issue. I don't see how I can detach her from this, as she is determined that the 3 of us are "meant to be".

Ah well. I'm 60 next birthday. I can't have much time left.

Anonymous Fri, Aug 16th 2013 @ 9:58pm

The "Ah well, I'm 60 next birthday. I can't have much time left" upset me. I am 61 and know that a disability is a hard " spanner in the works", but I wish you could look with hope at the future! I think more talking is necessay, both with your ptner, and with your friend, until communication between you is clear. At the moment, no solution comfortable to all has been found, andyet, it will be possible to find one if you persevere, I feel sure. Don'tgive up hope, please!!!!

Rowan Mon, Aug 19th 2013 @ 10:26am

Thank you for your concern; please do take note that it has never been my intention to upset you. I do look with hope to the future - I hope there will not be a long one for me!

I have communicated with everyone involved as clearly as I can. The only honourable thing for me to do, is to concede defeat and to accept the move, with as much pleasantness as possible.

I am quite good at "making the best of things" To meet me, you would never know just how bad I am feeling inside; likely, you would think "What a happy smiley and friendly woman!"

So; please know I hope only the best for you; to be 61 and not disabled is a plus in itself.

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