19

May

“Meh!”

Wednesday May 19, 2021


t’s such a good word, and so accurately sums up everything.

Lockdown is easing and you can meet up with friends outside!

“Yeah, that’s nice.”

You can open your studio again and finally see all those clients!

“Okay.”

From Monday you can hug your mother!

“I guess I’ll see her on Thursday, then.”

Things are a bit grim just now. The scores have slumped, and the great grey beast of depression is nudging my shoulder again and blowing his breath, like chilled chloroform fumes, in my face.

It was yesterday when I was forced to admit it. I had gone to the bank to get some paperwork signed. It took two delightful gentlemen to deal with my somewhat unusual request and, while one of them was away doing whatever gnomish things he needed to do in the Gringott Vaults, the other waxed lyrical about his prospective visit to the cinema. He loves the cinema and has one of those unlimited tickets. In normal times he would go three times a week and find his solace and escape in the dark auditorium and the bright lights and sounds of the story on screen. He has missed it very much during the last year.

“What are you really looking forward to?” he asked, and I was stumped. Before the grey beast arrived, I was looking forward to seeing my best friend for a cup of tea – inside, out of the cold wind; I was looking forward to being able to hug my mother; I was looking forward to a meal out, to inviting friends round for dinner, to long walks along the beach with more than just my immediate family.

Now? Now, I want lockdown all over again. I want to hide away and not see anyone. I don’t want to see my clients; I don’t want to see my colleagues; I don’t want to see my friends – all bar those very, very few who totally understand and never say, “What’s wrong? What has happened? How can I help?”

I can’t be the only one who is finding the easing of lockdown harder than being in it.

There are, however, some things I can do to help myself.

I know I need to keep faith that this will lift and that things will get better. I need to pace myself, adjust my diary and build in self-care.

It’s also important still to do those things which usually bring joy, even if I can’t feel it right now.

So, I’m still going round for that cup of tea, inside. I am still going to hug my mother and give thanks I still have a mother to hug, I am going to ask those friends around for dinner and walk with them on the beach.

Are you, like me, finding it hard to come out of lockdown? What are you looking forward to? And is it bringing you joy?

I hope so.

In the meantime, there is that useful word, “Meh!”

Mary
A Moodscope member.

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