No, I don’t mean mascara or lipstick - the last time I wore those was when my daughter got married in 2008.
I mean, that which makes me ‘me’. I suppose each of us is on some sort of spectrum and entirely different in what makes us tick.
It took over 30 years for my married daughter to get a diagnosis of autism, though she always felt ‘different’. Now I can recognise some of myself in her. A tendency to personal clutter, but a compulsion to pick up litter. Needing quiet space away from the children (don’t we all?). Relaxed with people who know me and reticent in a larger group.
What I think I have a problem with, is being able to look inside myself and understand what I am feeling. Most of the time I score a 0 on all the blue Moodscope cards, they don’t seem to have labels that I am experiencing. I am able to recognise a bit better when I am anxious, as I bite my lip - sometimes till it is sore.
When I had some horrid news last year I lowered the score on the red cards and ticked 1 or even 2 on the blue cards - feeling ‘sad and troubled’ or ‘jittery’.
I still can’t make out if I am avoiding experiencing my feelings or if I just don’t feel the way that others seem to me.
I seem to have come to the end of what I composed to write. Talking of composed, I think that maybe I have not been overwhelmed with grief at times of bereavement, because I had family members who needed my support. Then when life had moved on, the moment for personal grieving seemed to have passed and I just had to get on with day to day life. I wonder if this makes sense to anyone out there?
Wishing you all well.
Another Sally xx
A Moodscope member.