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Love me... love me not. Monday August 28, 2017

I grew up in a culture where men came first. It sounds negative but it wasn't always. Men being first on the food chain also meant they were to shoulder the heavier responsibilities in life; such as earning the family's income and disciplining the kids. Males went forth and slew dragons while the females looked after the household, their man, and the children born of that union.

The life I signed up for was the life I knew was expected of me. At fourteen I fell in love without reserve and planned my future around him; his work and provision for us, right down to the used, modest mobile home with dark paneling and shag rug. We would set up home in the yard of a family member like young couples did in my hometown; until we grew enough equity to place the trailer on a small acreage.

One day he just turned and walked away. We were fourteen - neither of us had the skills to manage a relationship muchless a breakup. It hurt me deeply then and it often comes to mind.

After a second boyfriend came along I found it helped assuage the pain of rejection from the first. And so on. I went through a string of unhealthy relationships. So desperate for love and affection that had been missing from my austere upbringing. I did not date so much as seize ahold of someone and hope to build something that worked. I became a relationship addict.

My children were conceived in ill fated relationships and I have many major regrets around that and the numerous failed romances they were affected by.

"You have a broken picker," a friend told me once, in regards to men.

I have a diploma in addictions counselling that has helped me along the journey of healing, self forgiveness and acceptance.

"Addiction is that thing that makes you fail in your responsibilities," was the speech the principal gave at my oldest daughters grade nine graduation. He continued on to say that the fourteen and fifteen year olds were at the age where addictions were established.

Sometimes I still get an outbreak of the; "if only's," that I have to talk back to. "If only my first love had worked would have been so much more organized." Then I ask myself; do I really wish I was living in the shadow of another? Would I be happy stuck in a town so tiny and equally small minded where even stomach aches are practically communal? No, no, and no.

Today I have two beautiful daughters, a dozen careers and a rainbow of experiences to draw wisdom from. I refuse to have hurtful relationships; friendship or otherwise. When I visit my hometown the women and I exchange admiring glances. They perhaps looking at my freedom of clothing and expression; myself appreciating the role they staunchly perform in starched dresses.

I am grateful life turned out better than I signed up for.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Marmaladegirl Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 12:19am

Morning Molly! I just wanted to say there is a comment for you from Nicco, right at the end of the comments on Saturday's blog, "N.E.D". Don't think you'll see it unless I tell you... Thinking of you. MG xx

Marmaladegirl Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 7:46am

Looks like you already replied Molly ;-) Fascinating blog Bailey. Thank you! MG

Molly Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 5:05pm

Thank you MG xx

Jane SG Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 5:41am

Great blog Bailey. Sounds like you found self love which can be really challenging. Wishing you all the best x

Lacey Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 6:38am

You are so right about loving yourself and the bit about looking at others. The grass is always greener as the saying goes!!
I was brought up to be seen and not heard as were others. My parents and theirs came from strong Victorian values
I felt unloved and unwanted but I was a hard worker; getting up to help my Dad on his milk round at 8am winter or summer. From the age of 7/8 I remember
My Aunt Dora had a farm and I worked hard there too doing the housework and endless washing up..without gloves!!
However it stood me in good stead as I learned SO much with her from setting a good fire (ok, that might have been Brownies!) to feeding the calves and baby chicks. Such fun!!
So, I also wanted love and sought it out at 13 years old but there was nothing sweet and light about my first sexual experience sadly.
But I won't go there now
All I want to say is sometimes it can take a while to find ourselves..
Don't know about you but I'm still looking..yet smiling at the same time....;-)
Have a lovely B/H Monday
Lacey <3

Lacey Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 2:51pm

TG and anyone else that's reading! I have a curates egg feel about my sexual history-good in parts! Must say though that I ended up developing BPD after my husband of 20+ years told me Inwasnt good enough ;-( OMG-what I needed to say I cannot repeat here but,of course, I never actually said anything to his face which was a big loss to me. He was a hypocrite and knew it,just couldn't help himself, He's been on his own for 23 years now.Silly arse, things were meant to be so different. His selfishness killed me and him if he could look me in the eye But he can't and thereby hangs yet another tale! Crikey, I'm full of them and all true Couldn't make it up could you? Love and peace to all Lacey,sunbathing on zero nights sleep Crazy Watford Lady,that's me ;-))

LP Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 7:35pm

Hey Lacey, sounds like you had a great escape! My exhusband thought of himself and the things that he wanted to impose on us, nothing else. Being the polar opposite I am so much better off now was pretty much a single parent maintaining house finance and work anyway, so made no difference separating. I quite enjoy mowing the lawn and putting the bins out! I've had a relationship since where I was naively just a rebound and the rejection was unbearable. Feeling not good enough hurts no matter how much you're told it isn't true. It can hurt for a long time. I kept telling myself that I'm not sad because of him, it's the rejection that hurts. That and having no choice in it. It's a few years on and I can see now that he was even more selfish than the first one! I listened to his marriage ending pain brought out his old self again gave him his confidence back and boom! Off he went and little more than a year later he remarried. You've made me see that I had another lucky escape too! Sending positive and healing vibes to you, LP xx

Voldemort Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 8:08am

Sorry to be a one track record and derail a post again, I'm just looking at my post to submit and thought I'd offer if anyone had any specific things they wanted clarified about the condition they might not know? I know we're all open minded here, but BPD is the big bad wolf of mental health, so don't be shy.

Lacey Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 2:56pm

Yep sure is. Revolving door system for those who suffer too. Feel better and they discharge you as they have me. Then you start the cycle all over again and you have missed your chance at help. But I don't care as what they know I could write on the back of a postage stamp. If I sound arrogant I apologise however I know this to be correct as I've been there,donethat and am wearing the t- shirt now hee hee Got to laugh, there is no other way methinks Love Lacey <3

Molly Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 5:14pm

Good to hear two others with the condition. Well, not good, but just makes one feel less alone. I'm pretty sure I would be a different person without BPD. I try not to let it rule me, but most of the time it does, along with depression.

Voldemort Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 8:53pm

You don't need to apologise cause I think i said it much more forcefully already. I spent a decade loathing myself with everyone telling mee I was abnormal, and should want to get help, but it was unavailable. A decade on, and I am having to institutionalise myself for months to get on the DBT therapy as a crash oourse at least. IT's a nightmare, cause what are we to think then? That we just don't want to/can't change for people wee care fpr? It's a horrible helpless feeling

Orangeblossom Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 8:26am

Thanks for the blog Bailey. I am relieved that we can learn from our choices & mistakes. Hope to replace the distasteful filling with something more pleasant which reflects a sweet aroma to those with whom I come into contact.

DAVE Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 9:01am

Hi Bailey,
It must be 6 months since my last post. Both my wife and I have been ill, she got pneumonia twice, then bronchitis twice and then Plurisy, in hospital for 2 weeks.
I looked after her at home...Usual household chores, cleaning, washing Ironing and cooking shopping etc etc, during that time, I had a bone removed from my thumb, very painful, Ibruprofen was prescribed for the very painful effect, this caused inflammation of the bowel, Crohn's disease which I've had for several years, this led again to A Gastroscopy and Colonoscopy both at the same time.
They also thought I had Giant Cell Arteritis, so pumped me with steroids, but they were unable to get test results, because of the Crohn's meds interfered with the results.

Then whilst this was going on I became aneamic, and 5 1/2 hours in hospital in March for iron infusion.
Whilst this was going on my wife's back gave out and she's still struggling.
To cap it all Bipolar depression reared its ugly head, and it was sheer hell, you know unable to go out speak to anyone, all this happened from October last year, in all about 10 months.

At the end of July I developed a stomach ulcer, "Not quite burst yet" the doctor said.
So put on yellow card urgently, with in 2 weeks, having been on a very bland diet, I was to have another Gastroscopy, a week ago last Saturday.
Then if that wasn't enough my iron level went right down, so ended back in hospital for another Iron infusion, at the end of July.

I am now really all antidepressants, and other tablets that cause physical damage to organs.
I always come off unnecessary meds every 4 years or more which is my BP Cycle.

So having bored to pants off you....I have solid testimony, that these adversities to which we all experience in life...We must look on the bright side, because it always passes these trials which come from nowhere.
Bailey I am a firm believer in not looking back in the rearview mirror of life, not looking too far ahead, because that is not clear, but look to the moment ! !

The 'NOW' is the time we can enjoy such simple pleasures, by keeping a positive attitude, trying to smile, to laugh sometimes through gritted teeth.
"Smile and the world smiles with you, cry and you cry alone".

You're brilliant Bailey, you're intelligence shines through your adversities......
The time between Life and Demise, as you say is a 'sandwich' if you want to enjoying it, then fill it with a meaningfully and tasty filling, OR something detestable....That choice is our free agency.
Good luck and thank you.

Lacey Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 2:58pm

Lordy,Lordy Voldemort You have been through the wringer haven't you? Where did you get the tenacity to hang on in there? Thank God you have Live and best wishes to you and your wife Lacey xxx

Leah Tue, Aug 29th 2017 @ 3:19am

Dave Good to hear from you but sorry you and your wife have been so ill. Keep well Leah

Molly Tue, Aug 29th 2017 @ 4:13am

I am totally confused as to whether Voldemort is Dave, S, or Anonymous. I think it is unfair that people use different names. S said he was Voldemort but then Lacey answered Dave by the name Voldemort. Or maybe Lacey is Voldemort too. What a shame that people are playing games. No wonder we have no trust.

S Tue, Aug 29th 2017 @ 5:01am

I think people were pulling legs these past few days here and there heh. I need to take more drastic action than make symbolic vague sentences of kindness to prove to myself I have expelled my grief. Ofc I want to heelp people, but I do think naturally there's an aspect where misunderstanding can happen on this topic, and I am deluded to think I should be here, or speaking to anyone related to those years of my life. No trust iindeed. All smoke and mirrors.

S Tue, Aug 29th 2017 @ 5:32am

The one about BPD and second love down thre, that was my voldmort though. It was probably a little too pathtically reminiscent for a forum with complete strangers anyway. I wish you all well. I'm off to try to learn to survive in the highlands and get my act togethr for a month or two. Literally a survival test. For 5 years "You are not even a proper human being, can't take care of yourself it's pathetic" has haunted m terribly and often. I am a stubborn man, and will even hunt and eat meat if I must, but mostly being alone with a more important focus gives me less opportunity to hurt or scare othrs in any way. Maybe one day we can have that BPD talk. :)

Molly Tue, Aug 29th 2017 @ 4:47pm

S, I often feel like running away. It isn't the answer however, because your mind goes with you. I don't feel survival in this respect is achieved by being without food or being alone, unless that is what you really feel you want to do. You don't want to be in a situation where you are causing yourself more problems. I don't know who told you these bad things but it is ignorance on their part and you don't have to punish yourself just because there are some judgemental people around who have no clue what you are going through. You might feel you want a break from here, but you haven't upset anyone. I have had comments removed before but it is a place where generally you CAN open up and nobody will judge you! It is hard but you have to be try and be kind to yourself, and tell yourself that you DO deserve it and grab what support you can. You have helped me alot as I can relate to many things you say. If you live in the UK, the Samaritans are great. I email them and they always reply, never judge. You probably know this already but please do not give up !! Keep fighting !! My thoughts are with you as I can feel your pain right now.

Voldemort Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 10:27am

In my experiences, I fouund I had to learn idealism isn't realistic, and looking for it made me unhappy. These people in and out of life, I look back and think sometimes "Hey if we hadn't been so preoccupied with propriety, we'd have had a great time". BPD is natural addictive personality too - love and romance is the most addictive. Having danced with the devil, I would never have done the things I did for intimacy for heroin, no matter the circumtance.

What should and what will be are now quite clear. MonoPolysaposexuality seems the way to go.

(Which i just made up and means many unique bonds with unique people, without all that label nonsense.

Mary Wednesday Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 11:11am

Love the mono-poly-sapio-sexuality thing! And yes, I've noticed I have an addictive personify. Substances, activities, people. Had not realised this was connected with the BPD.

Julie Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 11:51am

Is the BPD your referring to Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder as I thought the latter was just BD? Thank you.

Voldemort Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 11:55am

BPD and addiction go hand in hand from the get go. One of the main causes of BPD is a disconnected first bond to a parent that never recovers. THat unconditional love doesn't become truly believed and we're left with what we affectionately call "the sucking void in our chest" of something missing. It's why emotional attachment that makes you feel that kind of love, or a drug that pretends it is so appealing. It makes you feel like a nomral human... teemporarily....

Lacey Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 2:59pm

Hi MW Looking forward to your broadcast on Wednesday Take care Lacey x

Molly Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 5:55pm

Hi Julie, yes BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder and BD is Bipolar. They changed the name of BPD in the UK to Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (I always struggle to remember that) because the word 'borderline' was deceiving, but it does not seem to have caught on, as I still say BPD as I think others do. It is easier than EUPD ! So BPD and BD are two different illnesses (they overlap in some ways). Bipolar used to be called Manic Depression. I think that was also deceiving and Bipolar seems to have become more 'out there' now since they changed the name.

Mary Wednesday Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 12:53pm

Dear Bailey, your life sounds like a novel. One of those long novels where the heroine has to go through many types of hell before coming to a place of serenity, sufficient unto herself. Your grit and grace is inspiring.

Lexi Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 1:15pm

Thank you for your post today Bailey. I am so thrilled to hear when one goes through severe adversity and rises on the other end a beautiful soul. Your story is inspiring. Thank you. xo Lexi

The Gardener Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 2:35pm

Dear Bailey, so pleased that you have 'come out into the sunshine' after what seem topsy-turvy years. Having watched, lived through (suffered) the agonies of 5 children and 6 grand-children go as the traumas of broken 'intimacies' whatever you call them, I feel (and not prudishness) that this one to one relationship so young is dangerous, With our grand-children, the best adjusted, even if they had a disturbed childhood, are those who go through university (often a too intense relationship breaks up just through practicalities of distance) having lots of 'mates' playing sport or working with charities. Our family record of 'sticking' is awful - Mr G's grandmother left her husband when Mr G's mother was 7 - it affected her life badly, brought up by a Victorian grand-mother she had a job to show affection or enjoy her own children and grand-children. Mr G's brother divorced, as did his only daughter. My parents split when I was 15. 4 out of 5 of our children have been divorced. Our children's generation (yours, perhaps Bailey) seemed scared stiff of not being in a relationship - the boys seemed to think girls would run out! They would seek a replacement, however unsuitable, as soon as possible. So many of the girls were under the age of consent, scary - the rich parents near us were the worse - the girls were in unsavoury pubs, 14 looking 20.Lacey, I wonder if anybody has good memories of first romance? So much expected, so unready for emotional upsets, and at an age when any failure is out of proportion. A fair number of girls I knew, with unhappy upbringings would be mesmerised by an older man, go with him because it seemed so 'safe' then find he was married or nasty (or both) your work seems fascinating. A young friend, just married, works for an anti-bullying charity.

Ach UK Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 3:21pm

Hi Bailey, thank you for your blog. Glad that at last you are able to take joy in your life.

Molly Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 6:12pm

Hello Bailey, I can relate to your blog. Having had several serious relationships, I look back and wonder if I was looking for something that was not there. Each relationship that ended (usually my decision) I actually would dwell on it and could never quite let go. This consisted in many overlaps, many complications but somehow the drama was what I needed. I didn't think that at the time, and suffered so much myself, as well as others suffering. Seems a real contradiction but I could not bear hurting others, yet I hurt them. I often think, was it because I felt I was not worthy, therefore how could I possibly hurt anyone! Now married and settled (and bored) with a firm assurance to myself I will not stray or hurt anyone ever again, I often look back with the 'what ifs'. Like you, I do get some comfort in that I gained experience along the way. "It was what it was" and it was how I felt at the time. If you were to stay with your first love, you would not have had the other experiences in life which might have made you resentful. 14 is far too young to settle down, I was not ready to settle until I was 40 ! I don't know what age you are now, but I do wonder if we reach a certain age where we contemplate our lives. Mid age crisis, as they call it, I am certainly having one of those ! Thanks for a great blog. Molly xx

The Gardener Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 8:53pm

Molly, I should stay bored, much more peaceful. About three guys could have thrown a spanned in the works of our marriage - only because (exceedingly common, I'm sure) they showed me fascinating facets of life I'd never had known with Mr G. I absorbed the extra interests, and am glad of them. If I'd ever been tempted to 'throw my hat over the windmill' it would have been a total disaster. Why were the guys so fascination? Total egotists, showmen, extroverts - any woman would have played the dutiful listening squaw.

The Gardener Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 8:59pm

I've traced the guys - important enough to be found by googling - little me would never have kept up with them - especially as one has been indulging in a high-profile hunger-strike recently

LP Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 8:08pm

Hi Bailey,
I can really identify with your blog. That feeling of addiction seems more of a reality than I realised. I also craved love from a very very young age.
The nostalgia of a first love and it's intensity can last a lifetime. It might also be very disappointing to meet that person without the rose coloured glasses of youth on! :)
Thanks for a great blog! xx

The Gardener Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 8:56pm

Hi LP - no teenage first love for me - I had 'crushes' on school teachers - I still blush for them - and they had to put up with it!

Voldemort Mon, Aug 28th 2017 @ 9:02pm

Actually for me, the first guy I loved, I of course borderlined to hell after the breakup, but it was my second love that really hit me. More beecause despite how horrendous for my mental health with the way we both were, you know one of those hot and cold types that drags on. I think it was the vague knowledge I felt despite my borderline beliefs someone cared for me as I did them for the first time. IT was precious to me, even if painful.

LP Tue, Aug 29th 2017 @ 9:21am

Oh yes the crushes! I had a teacher one too! Same addicted feelings there too. Xx

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