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Losing someone dear to you. Sunday July 24, 2016

Have you ever woken up and just for that tiniest split second all seemed to be well in your world and your day lies before you perfumed, pink and without a fluffy cloud in sight?

Then just as quickly the heaviness of heart strikes as you remember that you have lost someone so very dear to you?

This happens to me every day and has done for over three years, then just as that happiness of that teeny weenie split second seemed to be somehow stretching to minutes before that dreadful heartache, that black pain that reminds you that you are not part of the same family you once were, another deadly blow by that awful enemy called Death leaps into your life and you find yourself to be a complete adult orphan.

It is soul destroying, and now I know how utter sorrow feels - the wretched thing has me in its grip and tight.

This feeling I will never survive... but then again I might??

Like the birds above I long to be free of this deepest sadness, but there is no easy way out.

I recently dreamt that I was climbing out of a window, (such a struggle it was) but I finally got through and felt so free, free of pain and all the dark feelings that billow around me endlessly.

Somehow though part of me is hoping one day I can close the windows, open the door and let myself try and be able to live again.

There will never again be the 100% moments of perfect happiness that I took for granted. The songs playing on the radio in the kitchen on a sunny afternoon, the laughter of a family picnic, the sunshine and the salty sandwiches on a day at the seaside, the smell of apple pie and the two pairs of eyes that watched over me endlessly.

Memories are met on the path of longing and I need to try and hope that one day we will all be together again in some sunny haze where the birds are singing and there is just a lovely perfumed pink day ahead, and I will feel those caring arms around me once more.

A Moodscope member.

Thoughts on the above? Please feel free to post a comment below.

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Night Owl Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 12:39am

Sending big hugs to you, Audrey. Tough feelings, but very-well described.
NO xx

the room above the garage Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 12:55am

Hello Audrey, what a beautifully written but heartbreaking post. That pain is seared, branded and raw. What possibly can I say to bring comfort? Just that I believe you will have those caring arms around you once more. Keep doing it your way and lean on us. Sending love to you, love ratg xx.

Adam Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 7:35am

Hi Audrey. I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know whether this will help you at all: grief is a normal and natural response to the loss you describe. It is like your whole world is suddenly under water, and you feel you will drown in it. But slowly (and the rate varies from person to person) the water will start to recede a little and islands will begin to reappear - where for short times you will feel the sunshine on your face again and the grief won't be all-consuming. Gradually the islands will become more numerous. The water will never go away, but you will achieve a healthy balance where you take comfort, rather than feel pain, when you think of your loved one; their smile, their laughter, their care and love for you. Death is completely normal and natural - we will all die - but for now enjoy the sunshine on your face when you can. I'm sure it is what they would want.

DAVE Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 8:49am

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, I have not yet been in that position, but cannot ignore that one day each of us will find ourselves in that same pssition, that is no comfort to you, because each of us is different and that if you deeply loved this person the pain is almost unconsolable. Some in the same situation will feel likewise and some will have maybe opposite thoughts....that is solely dependent upon how they treated you and in return your loving kindness to them.

I will not try to justify my own thoughts, but I believe in Deity, God, His son Jesus Christ, last but not least The Holy Ghost, whose spirit dictates to each one of us through our conscience how we live our lives, knowing right from wrong, and our agency to choose either trait to endure mortality.

I believe that a place we call heaven, once in spirit, we sat with Deity, we chose to live righteously, and in the war in Heaven between the two sons of God, Jesus Christ and Satan we close Jesus, because unlike Satan, Jesus would go down to create this earth and give that Glory in obedience the His Father. Satan wanted the Glory for himself.

You and I followed Jesus, and strived to always do the right thing in this life and so because of your loving kindness to the person that has returned to God, you naturally feel alone and lonely deep down.

Please be comforted Audrey, all is not lost, as in your loved one's demise, the body separates, the body returns to Earth fron whence it came, and the spirit has returned BACK to God.

One day you and I too will return to our Heavenly Father and be welcomed back once more amongst all our predecessors and together once more with the person who really has only moved into the room next door, so-to-speak.

At our birth, Our Spirit and Body became a living soul, human and from then on we struggled to live by the teachings of Jesus in the Heavens or Spirit World from whence we came.

Deep stuff this Audrey, but I am not afraid of death, if like you I live a decent life giving to others who struggle, and always do right, as one day I'll have to account to them above all the good and not so good things that in my imperfection have realised, whilst tarring this sojourn on earth.

I'm sure in your quiet moment you talk to them, be comforted and know that God loves you very deeply as He loves all of His children, and one day we'll all be reunited together as a very large family.

God Bless.


The Gardener Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 9:25am

Audrey. I am so sorry the sadness makes such a heavy burden. My mother in law lived to be a hundred, and was a widow for 25 years - she said you never can accept that 'void'. One of the prettiest, liveliest nurses who come to Mr G in the morning lost her husband to cancer - she is not 40, and has two teen-age children. Not even growing old together to look forward to. I am 'grieving', because I still have my husband after 61 years, but Alzheimers has turned him into a near monster - there is no companionship. Then our second adopted daughter 'turned' on us 5 years ago - I doubt we will ever see her again - I look at the pictures of this adorable, happy baby and lively girl growing up (she is mixed race, three races!) and wonder what turned her against us. No help to you in your situation - my only solace is to 'look outwards' as much as possible, gardens, hence my name, communication through e-mail and phones and contact, lots, with people - so glad we chose a town. Surprise, this morning, BBC Appeal was given by Ruby Wax for autistic children - she has suffered from depression - one of those like many who write here, and I myself, who can't make anybody believe that we 'suffer' because our exterior 'persona' effectively hides what is seething underneath.

Lesley Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 10:28am

Dear Gardener, I feel for you as you are going through a living death, day by day. Hugs xx

Lesley Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 10:28am

Dear Gardener, I feel for you as you are going through a living death, day by day. Hugs xx

Lesley Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 10:28am

Dear Gardener, I feel for you as you are going through a living death, day by day. Hugs xx

Lesley Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 10:26am

Beautifully put, Audrey. You are very fortunate to have known such love and family bliss. The only way is through.

Jul Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 12:09pm

Dear Audrey. Your blog is special as is your writing. But such heartache is not easy to read about. I haven't experienced a death in our family apart from my parents who lived to a great age. I can only imagine how sad you feel. Thank you for writing about it. Has it made you feel any better? Jul xx

Jul Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 12:27pm

Hi. I am back from Italy now so have managed to read your comments to my bog the other day. I have posted a reply to you all at the bottom of the blog page. I imagine you are feeling better today ratg. I have had those days when I simply have to go to the Dr for help. They are rare but I know them well and will probably experience such a day again. I send my love to you. Julxx

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 12:51pm

Hi Jul....hope you have had a restful, lovely time in Italy :) Bear x

Jul Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 1:50pm

Thank you Bear. Yes we did! It wasn't restful though as we drove for four days in total there and back just for two days in Lucca. Oh the draw of a Summer festival and the group I love. I do love Italy though. A feast for the eyes. Nice to see you Bear. Julxxx

Bearofliddlebrain Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 12:50pm

Dear Audrey, keep breathing, keep remembering those salty sandwiches, keep remembering those you have lost. It is the memories that keep our loved ones alive in our hearts and minds.
Remember to look after yourself and be kind...remember to laugh as well as cry or be angry!
Don't feel guilty at carrying on without them, at having a lovely day, or going on holiday - no one would want you to hide away and be miserable - do this gently.

'Time being a great healer' to me means taking each day to learn this new way of life - that's what takes the time - lots of time.

When a loved one dies, it's a new life for us to start: we have to learn how to do everything without them with us or be able to ring and ask their opinion. I still reach for the phone to ask my Mum something or update her on what's going on...just to hear her voice would be lovely :)

There are challenges ahead but you will get through - as Lesley says above here: the only way is through; and you will do it!
Just keep remembering those you've lost then by carrying on and doing the grief-thing in your own way, (there's no right or wrong way) you'll manage.

With love and Big Bear hugs xxx

Skyblue Sun, Jul 24th 2016 @ 1:39pm

Dear Audrey, your entire beautiful, sad, blog had meaning all the way through for me, but the opening sentence made me flash back so vividly. My father died when I was 12 and I remember those mornings afterwards--that split second of peace you mention and then the surreal bleakness that overwhelmed as the heart broke yet again. Yes, you will work through this in your own way and survive--your window dream spoke to that. And if I may....I have learned that love does not die, for either of you. Your relationship has changed but will never end. Sending love to you, Audrey. xx

Caroline Mon, Jul 25th 2016 @ 8:22am

25 years ago today (Monday) my sister died.

I am as sad and resentful about this as ever; but the daily grief does change: you are still in the early stages.

Much love,

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