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Life's Real Facts - Feelings. Thursday July 9, 2015

"People don't remember what you say – but they always remember how you made them feel."

I have used this phrase many times, to offer an insight for people who may get lost in the detail of what they are presenting or writing.

In such a data driven world, most will focus on giving the facts, believing that this is what is important. For me however and I'm sure for many others, it is the spirit with which anything is delivered...the underlying 'intent' that counts...and thus how it makes us feel.

For the listener, if we do not feel comfortable with the speaker, we will find ways to either ignore, or even to ensure in our own 'heads' that these facts are actually false.

We will find ways to convince ourselves that they are not credible, or from the wrong 'tribe', or were wrong last time, even that the person delivering these facts is wearing the wrong clothes or even tie, speaking too quickly, saying politically incorrect things, of the wrong gender, has unprofessional hair, anything in fact that will be a disowning statement.

If the spirit of what we are hearing is 'false', even although the 'facts' are correct, we will not believe them. We WILL believe the only thing that is factually true to us - our feelings.

Our feelings are our REAL facts, and emotions ARE our human reality, as our first reaction as a person, is not rational – it is emotional.

I also believe subliminally, that feelings are why we have mostly turned away from the second least trusted profession in UK life – politics! Politicians are so bad at what they do, few trust them and yet they still carry on from the wrong spirit, rarely telling us what THEY are going to do, simply, almost constantly, talk destructively about anyone else.

In other situations we are all too often told to leave our feelings aside, for example, that work is simply about being an unemotional 'robot'! So we've also often demoted the importance of being aware of our feelings in school, in work and often at home...yet for me and many others, that is ALL that we feel.

How can you be more aware of how you make people feel, when communicating, face to face, by text or email?

Can you make someone aware of how they make you feel? You are not criticising them, they have the choice then of being aware of the most crucial aspect – the real communication, that of the heart and how they make you feel.

What can you do today to become more authentic about your feelings and make your world more real?

A Moodscope member.

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Anonymous Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 6:51am

Well said Les!


Anonymous Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 6:56am

This is PRECISELY what I have tried unsuccessfully FOR OVER 2 YEARS to explain to my employers...a bank! We need to gain customers' trust by helping them feel good about themselves & their new business plans, THEIR needs not the bank's targets.If we achieve this, we will be seen as authentic, listening and engaging with them on an emotional level which transcends every aspect of life...the bank doesn't see the value of this approach... seems to want us to be robots and just ensure we don't say or do anything for which the bank could be fined in the future...the stress of failing that criteria has kept me off work with stress since oct 2012!!! Their loss but also mine.....Sue

Hopeful One Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 7:57am

Hi Les- thanks for the timely reminder. It is true that it is not WHAT one say but HOW one says it. That believe me is quite a skill. Although our feelings are like facts to us normally there is one situation when one has to cultivate a different strategy. This occurs in depression when our feelings are blue and we need to remind ourselves that they are not facts even though they claim to be.

Julia Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 8:13am

I remember how good this quote made me feel before Les when you used it. It's not what you say to people but how you make them feel.One of my friends from a while ago said once that I always made her feel better. I valued that. At the time and often now, I don't get my words out how I would like to, don't express myself eloquently because of low moods, tiredness, lack of confidence but I do listen to others and help if I can or just join in a conversation if I have something to contribute. When I'm feeling tired I tend to just chip in and let others do the holding forth. I am grateful to them on such occasions. You talk about politicians and their negative effect but maybe Tsipras in Greece is heralding a change in the way politics is done. A brave man in my view. Thank you Les for this blog.

Les Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 9:39am


Les Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 9:49am

Yup......where there is little trust and thus not a People focus (EQ) and they use Processes, Procedures, Policies or Programmes all IQ things to ensure that everyone should be doing the same, even although most situations are different.....employees become Human-Doings and thus as you say 'robots' This is where we are asked to leave our hearts and brains at the door.

In a customer facing business - this can never work for anyone who seeks a realistic and authentic conversation or relationship.

I have head so many people left the banks when those at the front counter were asked to sell and each day had to meet targets rather than deal with customers they may have known for years.

Put in processes and you lose any real emotional connection and I titally agree it is all about ensuring that there is no risk to the bank..............and yet every risk to caring employees.

I can also fully understand the stress you talk of - a lady in my village had what I can only assume was similar. She knew most of her customers, who had been coming in for years and could not face attempting to suddenly sell to them...........she then left.

How can you find something that allows that relationship and emotional side in you to grow and flourish? My friend dropped salary and went to be a classroom assistant in schools and loved using her skills and grew in confidence again through it.

Good luck

Les Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 9:54am


Yes the relationship with an internal discussion which you identify will be different....and the principle is the the 'audience' i.e. yourself doesn't want to listen.

So I believe it is just the an internal dialogue also has a speaker and a listener.

It is also when a third party - like a good friend of family member can help to 'hear' things differently.....same as an external situation.

Les Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 9:59am

Hi Julia

ta for that.

Sometimes all we need to do is be 'present' in a room or conversation and our spirit eases things. I go back to the HeartMath stuff....we both send and receive electrical signals to and from our hearts....this means that we do not have to speak for people to 'feel' our presence.

I'm sure we all know someone who, when we are with them, make us feel safer and better.

It'd also be FAB to let people know that is how you feel about I'm sure it would help them understand their effect.....and self-awareness is the start of all change.

So even when you are tired you may well be making a difference.

Anonymous Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 10:02am

A truth blog! Many thanks yet again, Les. When talking with someone, i try to direct my intent and energy to their soul (which involves practising unconditional love) and try not to get sidetracked along the way either by their stuff or my own. I believe it opens the way for a meaningful encounter. susan xx

Les Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 10:22am

Yup....totally agree.....

The 'intent' is always the message......and usually how people will receive it.

When we are 'attached' to a certain outcome we want......our spirit is already 'coloured' and thus not neutral...and thus can affect what and how we say our piece.

Soul talk would be good........... :-)

Leah Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 10:40am

My problems is sometimes my feelings are misinterpreted. My daughter says I suffer form a 'tonal' problem. So sometimes it is not what you said or how you make people feel, it can be how you say it. What I think is my cheery voice is sometimes heard as sarcasm, my interested , inquiring voice is heard as patronising etc. So no matter how authentic my feelings are they are misinterpreted. Yes I have worked on changing on my tone , and not everyone thank goodness misunderstands me,.
Thanks for food for thought.

Les Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 10:51am

Hi Leah

For me.....if people do know you, they'll get it and thus they will understand you..regardless of tone.

If however people are not sure due to the tone......if they are authentic with you, they will seek clarification if it could be taken in two ways.

If they do not......then either they do not care or may not feel safe enough to ask.

As you identify can alter your ensure it is taken the way you wish, which for sure takes more just depends how important certain people or situations are to you.

The only person we can ever change is as always it is in your hands.......and how you wish any situations to evolve.

The key is you are self-aware......which can lead to self-control.......if you want it to.

Mary Blackhurst Hill Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 11:03am

Hi Les, Great post, thank you.
I frequently bemoan emails and social media as tone of voice does not come across easily (with careful wording it can do) and emoticons can only go so far - even if one can bring oneself to use them. We all need to feel validated and valued. Only then will we listen to facts or arguments presented. By the way, Les, if politicians are the second least trusted people, which are the most distrusted?

Leah Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 11:17am

in a 2013 poll in Australia there were 3 professions ahead our State MPs- not sure of UK equivalent- they were car salesman, advertising people and real estate agents, with nurses then doctors being most trusted. I am assuming this was not a rhetoric question!
5th least trusted are Insurance salesmen, then at no 6 our Federal politicians. Am interested if UKs no 1 least trusted comes from our top3 least trusted!!


Les Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 11:31am

Hi Mary

Only national journalists and local journalists are below politicians on the trust index.....national being at the bottom!

The same for politicians national 3rd bottom and local 4th bottom.

At the top are always GPs - because they have to listen before they prescribe......they were of course even in my lifetime the only profession that used to be able to sign your that trust was even shown by government at the time.

The level that you trust someone is the exact level that you will listen to them. Only trust 5 out of 10...only listen to 50% of what they say...and it might be the 'wrong' 50%!

Think of a person - think of a score between 0-10 with 10 being complete trust.....the score is already in your head as soon as you think of the person.....your heart knows :-)

Aye the % given are 55% non verbals / 38% tone and only 7% the words emails BY FAR the worst and telephone next and video conferencing next and face to face by far the best. Cut corners in speaking about important things by doing anything others than meeting up face to face = future challenges.

In general business = busyness and no time for the important stuff of human relations (true HR)

Anonymous Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 5:19pm

Mary, just to say thanks for answering my question today in yesterday's blog. I found it! Much appreciated. susan

Anonymous Thu, Jul 9th 2015 @ 10:01pm

Hi Les
Don't you think that some people use technology (text, emails & even phone) as a communication aid rather than face to face, as they feel they communicate better in this way for whatever reason. Trust plays a big part in communication, as your title highlights (real facts), it does not mean that person is detached from society because they choose to or have to communicate in that way, it does not make them any less present. Responses also recieved in this way can also change a person's spirit, state of mind and their emotions. Though you can always delete what you've read, but you won't forget it.

'The heart knows what the heart wants' but if the trust is broken or lost then , you only have yourself to rely on. This society is lonely and if they are not lonely then they choose not to interact because of the negativity, the manipulation, the one sided control that is so apparent, face to face communication is just is not worth the paper it's written on.
E.g. Look at the amount of dating sites out there that people can hide behind, they choose not to be real, they can be whoever they want to be, say whatever they want, technology is who they trust, it's the barrier between real and fake.
You can make someone aware of how they make you feel by whatever means necessary......

Anonymous Fri, Jul 10th 2015 @ 8:12pm

Oh "Les" whom I do not know. Dear brave blogger, after a great deal of my life was ruled and ruined by letting my emotions be boss, I am so glad to now have more balance concerning the many facets of my life; including my so deep and important emotions. I am not trying to hide identity, but dunno how to blog ...

Les Sat, Jul 11th 2015 @ 2:50pm

Hi Anon

You did pretty well there in those few lines..........

Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is about knowing and controlling self.......only then can we lead and enable others......

Just go for a blog......check it out with friends and family.....first if you want?

"To improve any relationship, you must start with yourself, you must improve yourself." Stephen Covey

Les Sat, Jul 11th 2015 @ 2:56pm

Hi Anon

For sure people can use any means they simply works far better face to face.

And for sure distance causes challenges.....for any reasonable and meaningful relationship I would always meet face to face to start with.....or for me, I'm not really committed, as I know it matters. After 'feeling' that I could so electronic processes.

Dating sites work for many - especially those that are who they say they are. At first meeting - or fist call - if someone is not who they have identified.....walk away.

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